LDRwife Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Hi, I am a bit frustrated and need some advice. I got married 3 months ago and my husband and I are currently living in different cities (5 hours away by flight, even though we're in the same country). He is in the process of finishing his phd and will be done this june. I am in school at the moment and will be done my program next may. Our original plan was that when he finishes his phd he would come to live with me in my city until I finish school so that we could be together. Now things are starting to change, because he is starting to look for jobs in his city and open his options. He does not like the city I live in and has expressed to me numerous times that he loves where he is now. If he comes here, he only wants to stay until I finish, and then move somewhere else, therefore, he is only looking for a short term position. I was upset with him earlier today because I am getting frustrated knowing that he might not come here this year and we may be apart for one more year until I finish school. He said that I am not being supportive and putting pressure on him to come here, even if it means him doing a job that he does not like here. I apologized and tried to understand his point of view, because I do not want him to come here and be miserable working at a job he doesn't like. I later spoke to my mother about this, and she said that it should be his priority to come and live with me now that we are married, and even if he does not like the city or the job he gets here, he should suck it up and do it so we can be together. Can someone please give me their opinion on this? After marriage, should the couple make sacrificies for each other so they can be together, or is it fair for him to want to pursue a job he likes even if it means we will be separated for another year?
Lucky_One Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I like your mom. Bottom line - you had an agreement. He is now trying to change the rules, and putting the blame for that on you by saying that you are not supportive. The #1 priority should be marriage. He can move where you are, get a short term job, and then the two of you should decide as a couple where you will move together after your degree.
Island Girl Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I think you have every right to be upset since he is changing the original plan. And yes -- your mother is right. Now that you are married his priority should be you and your life together. If he finishes this June and you are finished next May - he gets a job in your city for a year or less and then you guys can move wherever you want.
Author LDRwife Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 well there is more to the story than him changing the plans. when we decided that he will come here originally, the chances of him getting a job here with a specific company were high, and now he is not sure if it will work out with them, which is the reason he is looking elsewhere. also, we had decided that when i finish school we would like to travel for about 6 months or so. traveling requires money and so he is feeling pressure to work until i finish school so that we save some money to travel. i just don't know what the best thing to do is. if he comes here until i finish school, we may not have any money saved because he might not get a job here. this would mean we would have to work for a couple of years after i finish school to save money and then travel if possible. but we would be able to start our lives together. on the other hand, if he gets a job in another city, he will be able to save some money for us to go traveling after, but it will come at the expense of us being apart for about 10 months. i am confused thinking about this. what do you think is the best thing to do?
Els Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I would definitely forgo the travelling, no question about it. But that's just me. However, this may not just be about your choices. If you tell him 'screw the travelling, I don't care about the money, just come', how would his own reaction be like?
Author LDRwife Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 i agree with you and also mentioned to him that maybe we can postpone our traveling for a year or two. he would do that if it makes me happy, but i think he would rather us be apart than lose the traveling, because he really has his heart set on traveling after i finish. he thinks that i am asking him for short term benefits with long term sacrifices. i don't want to resent him if he does not come here and works somewhere else, and i don't want him to resent me if he does come here and we can't save money to travel. aaah.
Els Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 How is putting off travelling for a year a 'long term sacrifice'? I would understand if say, he couldn't leave because his choice of career could only be accomplished there and he would lose everything if he were to just quit his job and come here (wouldn't he need to quit his job anyway to travel though?) -- THAT would be a long term sacrifice and probably not worth it.
Island Girl Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Hmmm. Travel, or spend time with my spouse whom I just married and have had no time with? Well, I can always travel WITH her later (and why would I want to travel and experience things WITHOUT her?). Uh yeah. It is a long term sacrifice to put your marriage on the line for the short term gain of sight seeing and travel. He plans on quitting his job and traveling elsewhere after a year ANYWAY. So what is the difference if he lives where you are for a year and quitting whatever job he is working at and then traveling to a new place together, living there for a while, and both of you saving money and planning a trip TOGETHER? Sorry but your husband sounds like he made vows but only is willing to make you a priority if it fits into his other plans. He is willing to sacrifice your feelings (and possibly your relationship) for some pretty petty things. I know I'd be questioning my marriage if the man I married was thinking this way and expressing these things. Travel to places would not be the same if I could not share it with my spouse - and I have been placed in situations where this has happened because of difficult circumstances beyond our control so I know what I am talking about. The fact that he'd resent you - or you think he would - because travel would have to be delayed due to the economy or job situations etc. really doesn't speak well of him or how he values your relationship.
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