How do i trust her ever again and should I stay?

[love my wife]

Please I am desperate for some advice.

My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years and we have 2 young kids. She is a member of the Army and spent a year alone overseas in Korea and is currently deployed in Iraq for a year. I just found out that she cheated on me with 3 different guys in the last 7 years. Now let me say that I wasn't the greatest husband. I was inattentive, absent-minded at times. I didn't listen to her like I should have. I didn't give her the love and attention that she needed in our relationship. I know I messed up, I admit it, but does that excuse her cheating? I myself have never ever cheated on her. I was 100% faithful even when she was overseas. The first 2 guys she cheated on me with were when she was stationed in Korea for a year. I stayed back in the states with our 2 year old son while she spent the year in Korea. She claims that the first guy she cheated with, they tried to have sex, but she says they couldn't go through with it due to guilt. Do I believe that? The second guy she had sex with, she did in Korea that same year as well. She says they had sex on 4 different occasions and that she spent time with him cuddling in bed afterwards, but she claims there were no feelings it was just sex. This year in Korea happened 4 years ago and was year 7 of our marriage.

 

The last guy she cheated with was man #3. She is currently deployed to Iraq and this last incident occurred in November 2008 in Iraq. She claims they only had sex twice, but were together as close friends for almost 2 weeks total. With this man she claims that she actually did feel something for him, but that it was not love. She did spend a lot of time with him, he held her hand in the recreation tent, she had sex with him twice, once unprotected. She then told him no more sex a few days after the second incident, and that she wanted to work things out with me. At the time she was also being moved to a different basecamp, and would no longer be able to see him anymore, but she claims that she would have broken it off if she was staying anyway. Would she really have broken it off if she could still see him? My wife claims that this man had feelings for her as well. However, he knew before he had sex with her that she wanted to work things out with me and fix our marriage. They had sex the first time and she broke down and cried afterwards and he left quickly, but he saw her start to cry before leaving. She says he knew that she was heartbroken at what she had done the first time, but he had sex with her again a few days later anyway, this time unprotected. After the second time she claims he stayed for a bit because she broke down again and she says she mentioned something about hurting herself and he stayed to calm her. She broke it off with him a few days later and he said OK, good luck. I did not catch her cheating, she told me herself. She took it upon herself before telling me she cheated to get a full std health screening, she answered any and all questions I had with what I can only assume was her full honesty. I asked for certain tough to hear details to see how she responded, and she seemed to be brutally truthful. I asked her if they had any more contact after the affair and she said no. Now I come to find out there were actually 3 emails exchanged afterwards. Supposedly they were innocent emails, like hey how are you doing. I kept asking her more questions and eventually she admitted to the 3 emails. She claims it was an oversight on her part and she forgot to mention them earlier. Should I believe that?

 

From the actions of the 3rd individual, I have doubts that he in fact felt anything for her. I am in no way excusing her actions, but if he really cared for her, he would not have slept with her to begin with knowing she wanted to work on our marriage. Supposedly the relationship blossomed as he listened to her vent about us and difficult situations in her life due to family health issues. He absolutely knew she wanted to work on our marriage, even gave her advice on what to do. If he really cared for her, after he saw how hurt she was the first time they had sex, he would not have done it again. He knew from day one that she wanted us to work on our marriage and if he in fact was a good friend and cared, he would not have done what he did. I am in no way trying to excuse her. She had feelings and she admitted it to me, though says it was not love, just like a really good friend. She says he had the same feelings for her as well. I believe my wife had feelings in this, but I feel like he used her for sex and she let him. I can't see a 37y/o divorced male, having deep feelings for a 30y/o married female, knowing damn well she wanted to work on fixing her troubled marriage after only a week of knowing her. I can't see how if he in fact did have feelings for her, how he would sleep with her the first time knowing what it would do to her hopes of fixing our marriage. I can't see how, if he felt anything for her, after seeing her breakdown and fall apart emotionally after the first time having sex with him, he waited only 2 or three days and had sex with her again. He knew she was heartbroken after the first time. Yet he did it again. Is this what a person who cares for her in any way whatsoever would have done? It seems to me that this may have started as a friendship, and then turn into nothing but a sex game for him. Does that make sense? I know they are both equally guilty, but I feel like while her feeling may have been genuine, I feel like in the end the feelings were one-sided and she meant nothing to him but sex. Am I wrong? If he felt anything at all, he would have backed off after the first time and he saw how she hurt.

 

Now I love my wife, I really do. I want to stay with her. She has sworn that she would never ever do this again. We had some serious marital issues, and while I don't think that is an excuse for her, I do understand that we had problems. We have agreed to go to counseling, and she has agreed that if we don't solidify our marriage that we will divorce rather than cheat. Oddly enough on that one particular point, I believe her. I don't think she will cheat again. While the cheating happened with 3 different guys over 5 years, she has never promised not to do it until now. Until now i did not know anything about what had happened with any of the guys. I kinda thought something may have happened with the second guy, but never pushed the issue. She came to me with this, I did not catch her. She says she came to me because she wants us to stay together. We had already talked about counseling after Iraq beofre all this, and she said that she wanted me to know everything before I decided whether we are worth saving or not. Am I a fool for staying with her? Is counseling even worth it with her? I am madly in love with her even after this. She has her faults but she is the most incredible woman i have ever met.

 

SHe wants to prove that I can trust her. She wanted to give me her email Password so i will believe her and watch her inbox periodically to see if they contact her. Should I accept the password and check? What should I ask for as proof that I can trust her? Is there anything? Did guy #3 really have feelings for her at the end of their relationship, or was it as I think, just sex for him?

 

p.s. I found out all this 4 days ago, and we have been talking about it online as she is still in Iraq.

[samspade]

Now let me say that I wasn't the greatest husband. I was inattentive, absent-minded at times. I didn't listen to her like I should have. I didn't give her the love and attention that she needed in our relationship. I know I messed up, I admit it, but does that excuse her cheating?

 

Not at all. And it sounds to me like she's been trying to make excuses for her behavior and blame you. It's HER fault, my friend.

 

She came to me with this, I did not catch her. She says she came to me because she wants us to stay together.

 

I suppose if your wife gets any credit, it's that she volunteered the information. As far as staying together, if you need to do it for the children, that's understandable. Though frankly I don't see how that's even a good idea; she is setting a terrible example. In addition, you will probably NEVER be able to fully trust her again. She sounds like she needs counseling; you don't.

 

In addition, consider that perhaps she wants a divorce and can't come out and say it.

 

And who cares if there were feelings involved? Cheating is cheating.

 

In any case, she put your marriage, family, and your own health (by having unprotected sex) all at risk. Does someone who disrespects you in such a way deserve your love anymore? If I were you, I'd drop the axe.

[silverfish]

I am not going to excuse your wife's behaviour. Its a disgusting thing to cheat on someone.

In her favour, she has volunteered the information to you. Whether you can forgive her or not is your decision, and yours alone.

The fact that she did not tell you face to face is cowardly, but understandable. Maybe she wants to confess all but is scared of how you would react if you were there in person.

As she's working away a lot, maybe for your marriage to work she would have to give up her career and come home.

It's incredibly difficult to deal with a situation like this and cope with 2 kids on your own. You need to try and get some time alone or with a friend who you trust and take it all in. Maybe start writing a few things down, tell her you are laying low for a week or two.Let her stew for a bit, but let her know you will get back to her.......

Make sure you take care of yourself - sleep, eat...

[kimbop]

If it was just you and her without children, I think everyone in this forum will tell you to drop her like a used tissue a dirty hobo just blew in and then spat on. However there are children involved which merits that you work at your relationship. But an important factor to this situation is that it seems that your wife works quite a bit away (like in another country). Has she been even involved rearing your children with you? If not then that's a consideration you need to take upon yourself to decide whether staying in the marriage for the children is the top priority.

 

It seems that she is taking a step to reconcile things. But is it a little too late at this point? It's been how many years, and she finally claims that she will NO LONGER cheat? After four guys? Seriously? And even if she did give you her email password, that wouldn't stop her from creating a new account which you won't be able to monitor. It would be especially easy for her since she's overseas.

 

If I was in your shoes and knowing these basic information and nothing more, I would adamantly request that she comes back or else this faithfulness issue on her part and your trust issue will never be resolved. I don't know whether it's required that she stay there for economic reasons especially in this recession, but if she can feasibly return home then you should be hollering for her to do so. If she does not then that should motivate you to not accept her excuses anymore.

[been there dun dat]

DOOD, I saw on the other forum you said this thread was here and I know you from the other forum. I was the guy who was the other man a few times. Not proud of it, but hey, that's life. I am not gonna address the first two times since in the other forum you said that it hurts but you are more concerned with this last one.

 

Man, like I said in the other forums. If that Iraq relationship was exactly as you described or even closely as you said in this forum, yeah man, he used her. No righteous dude who really had any feelings at all, or cared even a sliver about a girls feelings would make a move for sex knowing she wanted to fix things with you. No righteous dude, with any concern whatsoever for a chick, would ever make a second move for sex after seeing her break-down and cry after the first round. No dude in his right mind would ever do that to a girl if he even had any feelings or even the slightest respect for her whatsoever. If he even thought of her as a real live human being, even in the most remote sense he would have backed off and never made a move. Even if he didn't know before the first sex round that she wanted to reconcile with you, even if he had no clue, after seeing her cry that first time, after leaving so quickly the first time, he would have never gone back, he wouldn't even have ever showed his face to her again if he though anything about her other than sex. But you and her need to remember this HE KNEW BEFORE THE FIRST LAY THAT SHE WANTED HER MARRIAGE TO WORK!!!! HE KNEW MAN!! This man was a dog, nothing more. I said it before and I will say it again, this dude was a pig, out for one thing and one thing only. I know, i have been there, I have done that. You become friends, find her insecurities, weaknesses, cracks, things that upset her and then you slowly relate to them. You don't move in at first, you slowly gain her trust. Then you show her you are a cool dude, easy to get along with, trustworthy. SHower her with attention. Be kind to her. Show her you fell for her and like her as a person and will be there for her. Smile whenever she is around. Pretend that in a sea of people she is the one who has your attention at all times. You show her you have been in her shoes and understand whats missing in the marriage. Then you take what she told you was missing and you give it to her, without her realizing it's on purpose. Be the shoulder to cry on that she wants. Then once she trusts you, you touch her innocently, watch for the reaction. Then you slowly gain more confidence. After a while you go to her place, not yours, she will be more comfortable and feel safer at her place. Then you go for the innocent hug, then the kiss, and then you make your move. If this dude even thought of her as a human, he would have not did that. If he thought of her as anything other than a piece of you know what, if he had any respect for her, if he was a friend, he would not have done it, or he would have definitely not have done it the second time. And if he really did care, he would not have let her end it so easily. A friend is a friend and will respect you and help you and not take advantage of you knowing it will hurt. He knew that even though she wanted to get your marriage working again, he knew that even though she cared, he knew that these acts probably would have destroyed any hope she had for fixing things in her mind, yet he did it anyway. Was he planning on marrying her, or dating her or seeing her in the states? If not, then why would he take a chance at destroying any last thread of hope she had in her mind for her marriage knowing full well he would never see her again after the deployment and she would have to live with what she did totally alone and sad, having to live with losing her husband and kids. She would have to live with and know and be sad about what she did for the rest of her life, a friend does this to someone? What kinda dude does that to a woman he even thinks of as human being? Did he care about her career? Seems to me like if he cared a penny about her, he would have not done anything. You said in the other thread she is an officer and he is a private in the national guard. Man, getting caught, all hell would be on her, not him. National guard don't care, and even if they did he is a private. They ain't gonna kick him out and what pay is he gonna lose, not much. He knew when they started she would keep her mouth shut because she has everything to lose and he has nothing. She has a career that she needs he is doing this part time and making a privates salary. This is her secret to keep, not his. He knew he was safe doing this and that she wouldn't talk. She didn't talk to her bosses, did she? See he was right in who he chose to make a move on wasn't he? Smart dude. She kept her mouth shut like the scared little officer girl he knew she would be and now he gets off scott-free while she and you are suffering. Does your wife think he told his girl back in the states about this like she told you? Or is he at his base chilling out looking for his next target? Oh wait your wife probably thinks he doesn't have a girl in the states or that they are having issues too, thats in the playbook for this maneuver. Your wife is in no way innocent. I think she is worse than he was. He went into this knowing exactly how to play this and knowing what he wanted out of it. Your wife went into this knowing she had a faithful husband in the states taking care of her boys for her. She knew she was married, had kids, had a life, had a man who she promised to be faithful to, had kids waiting for her back home. Yet she did what she did anyway. He at least went into this with a quest, she went into this with some major commitments in her life that she simply threw away when the time came. He knew if **** hit the fan and people found out, he would be in minimal trouble while she would be in a world of hurt. She should screw him over and go to the commander, wouldn't that mess up his day? But then you suffer yet again by losing income, losing money to buy the kids clothes, lose all the work you put into supporting you wife while she worked at her career. See again, he wins, and you both lose. I am impressed by this dude and his brains. He played this one exactly by the oldest playbook in the game of seducing married women. I can't believe your wife still thinks he actually had even the slightest feelings for her, is she really that blind and naive? Dude, your wife needs to learn distrust people at first and to make people earn your trust, not trust them until they earn your distrust, especially guys on deployments. Everyone has a motive for everything. Instead of assuming this dude was cool until he screwed her over, she should have assumed he was out for something until he proved he wasn't. Do you want to be with a woman who can't see things jumping out in front of her in broad daylight? Everyone wants to give advice on what to do and didn't answer your other questions so there is it.

 

I think she may still love you man. You seem like a cool dude, yeah you screwed up too, but nothing ever deserves this crap. She cam to you with this. She did the tests without you asking. But, this isn't just sex, it's betraying trust, breaking vows, all that good stuff. Before you go off on her and leave, you need to remember that she is human, and the dude she was with knew what he was doing and knew exactly what the right buttons to push were. He knew exactly how to get her to the point he wanted her at. Yeah she was stupid and followed like a little child not knowing any better, but even kids run to strangers cars for candy knowing that their parents said don't. This guy was a pro, I bet she wasn't the first, and won't be the last. He followed the playbook for something like this exactly and she fell for it. She is as much to blame as he is, maybe more because to him it was a game, to her it wasn't so she is probably worse than he was, but hey he was on a quest for da booty and he got it from her. This is the oldest, most popular, easiest way for a dude to get a married woman into bed. I am amazed she didn't see it coming. I hope to hell she sees in now. Like I said in the other forum, you need to tell her what this was, and she needs to know it. Now, what to do.... Dude thats up to you. No one here is in your shoes. I would leave her right now. If I stayed I would make her pay for what she did by doing anything I asked of her IMMEDIATELY meaning right the heck now, whatever I asked no matter what it was or how miuch it hurt her. I would give her hell. If she really wanted to earn your trust she would not have asked if you wanted her passwords. She would have sent them in an email to you on day one, whether you asked or not. On day one she would have sent every single screen name, every single password to every single email, hotmail, myspace, work email account, messenger account she ever had in her life, and she would have sent them immediately without asking you if you wanted them. She doesn't get to the right to make you ask for it, she doesn't get the right to know if you have them or will use them. She would have said, Husband- I don't want to know if you check, but here it all is, do what you feel is necessary. And she would let you access them whenever wherever you want at any time you want. She would let you see every conversation she ever had with anyone. Thats the only way you will feel confident that those emails were meaningless and that she truly is not talking to them anymore. That is the only way for her to earn your trust back. Her life and personal space needs to be an open book for you. She had her space and privacy and she abused it and used your trust in her to her advantage. She lost that right to privacy for a while. Every day that goes by that she doesn't send it is one more day for her to sterilize her email history. She no longer has a right to privacy, at least for a while. If I were you I would insist on her sending all that info immediately. I am amazed she didn't do it for you without asking. Sounds to me like she is still hiding something or cleaning out the inbox. She asked you if you wanted it because she knew you would say no or if you said yes she would have done the guilt trip thing on you. Did she offer just one email address password she had or did she offer every single one to you? Who is to say the one she offered is the one she used with him? She needs to send every single email address, screen-name id name to every email- hotmail-messenger-myspace-facebook-flicker-friendster account and whatever else she has ever used along with the passwords immediately, without making you feel bad for asking for them, and without asking you if you want them,so you can do what you want. She doesn't get to play a guilt trip on you right now for asking for the passwords. She lost all guilt trip benefits for a long time with you. Don;t let her even try that guilt crap on you right now.

[imagine]

Lay a charge against them both.

 

This way she comes back.

[love my wife]

Thank you all for your comments. A lot of useful information. A lot of good insight. She came to me with this because we had discussed counselgin and she wanted me to decide whether it was worth it and to go into it with my eyes fully open.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I dont think I could take her back, I mean if she feels the need for male companionship when she's alone who's to say it wont happen again after counciling. and just because she says she wants help what is she doing to get it. She seems remorseful and upfront that's a good sign, but I wouldnt be so quick to take her back. If she wants you let her court you, let her put in the hard work to be forgiven. You just be attentative and open to her and see where you go.

 

But I would have a real problem forgiving her. I really would also, have you did a DNA test on your son, circumstances considered. Who's to say she havent cheated before your marriage?

[samspade]

But I would have a real problem forgiving her. I really would also, have you did a DNA test on your son, circumstances considered. Who's to say she havent cheated before your marriage?

 

Smart advice.

[concerned citizen]

Amen on the email passwords. This is day 4 and she still did not let you look through her email at your leisure. She is for sure hiding something in those email accounts. You should have all her passwords to every email account or social networking site both work and play, she ever used on day number 1. I am amazed she did not give them to you already. I am even more amazed you did not demand them. You know she cleaned those accounts out already, but at least if she wants to earn your trust she will give you the access so you can keep an eye on them from time to time. Tomorrow she needs to send you an email from Iraq with every username and password she ever used. I was over there so do not let her use the excuse email does not work. It does and there is no reason she can not send them to you. This needs to be done tomorrow so she can start showing you that she really does want you to trust her. Even if you never use them, the simple fact that she is entrusting you with the information goes miles in her showing you she cares. If she asks say yes you want them, if she does not ask, then demand them. This is definitely something she should have done on her own without asking you. You should have simply received an email one day saying, I love you, here are my accounts, feel free to watch them. Without her doing that, she can keep secrets from you. With secrets, there is no chance at her regaining your trust. If you can not trust her then how can you stay married to her?

 

The third guy in your story definitely used her. There is no doubt about that, I think we all see it, and see it pretty easily. For not seeing the game he was playing on her, she is either naive or a fool, neither of which are attractive attributes.

 

You are a better man than I am. One affair is forgivable. Two is not, three is disgusting. What kind of selfish heartless woman is this? Did she not think of her kids? Did she not think of you? Or MOST LIKELY SHE THOUGHT OF YOU ALL AND SIMPLY DID NOT CARE!!!!!

 

I would dump her ass, take the kids, take her money, kick her to the curb and get on with my life. This is a selfish, cold, heartless woman. Not only did she ruin your life, but she betrayed her children. What kind of mother betrays her cubs not once, not twice, but thrice times?

 

If she really cared you would have known after affair number 1. If she really cared those email accounts would be in your inbox even before she told you what was going on, no questions asked. She is still hiding something from you and you are a nothing of a man for not standing up for yourself and demanding those email accounts. Every single one! DOn;t forget now everyone in the army has a military email account, make sure she sends that one too, if you ever grow a spine and demand them. If she was a real woman who cared, you would not have had to ask.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

...HE KNEW BEFORE THE FIRST LAY THAT SHE WANTED HER MARRIAGE TO WORK!!!! HE KNEW MAN!!...

 

 

...and?

 

 

She couldn't say, "No"?

 

What the hell? Of course she could have!

 

She just didn't want to.

 

 

 

Interesting little tidbit some "bad guy" males don't know (apparently) -- you might think you've gotten over on this woman, and sweet-talked her into something, ect., ect. -- but here's a little secret: she would never have step out with you if she did not want to. Period. End of story.

 

She may act regretful to the men in her life, but that's because she does not want to take responsibility for her choices, and is aware that these men may think of her as skanky if she admits she simply she did it because she wanted to -- with no explanations/justifications.

 

 

*

 

 

So seriously. Where is all of this coming from?

 

I'm honestly mystified.

 

 

What? She slipped, fell, and landed on other men's ****s?

 

It's those evil men taking advantage of her.

 

Right.

 

 

 

I hope you can see things exactly as they are, or I honestly fear you may end up blindsided once more in the future.

 

This situation is very sad. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

[ahab]

What a sad sad story. I am going to go against the current here. You screen name says "love my wife". You story sounds like a man looking for a reason to stay. Your sound like you really do love her. I say that if you can stomach it, if you can look at her again and not see her for what she did, then I believe you can stay with her. The good news is that these were short affairs, not that it's right, but it doesn't sound like she was in committed relationship with these men behind your back. If you really love her, if you really can get past this, then sure why not give her another chance. The pain is already there, it will never go away, but it can be dealt with. Based on her history, there is a good chance it will happen again, so you need to be aware. Counseling will help and in addition to marriage counseling, your wife may need to seek out counseling of her own. If this is going to work, she needs to prove to you that she does care and is totally remorseful.

 

 

 

You need her email account information, all of them, leisure and business.

 

 

 

You must understand that yes the man obviously used her, but she went willingly and therefore is as much to blame as he is, probably more so.

 

 

 

You must have her email account information, all of them, business and pleasure.

 

 

 

She should show you how much she cares and regrets her actions by turning herself in to her chain of command and suffering the consequences. This will also show that she does not feel for these people anymore, as they will be reprimanded with her. She did the crime, now she needs to do the time. If she really felt bad, she would do what's right and take her punishment. Yes it will be embarrassing to her, yes it may financially impact your family, however she needs to understand that this is wrong. If she is an officer or senior nco then she needs to turn herself in even more so. If she decides to do the right thing and take her punishment, and you want to continue your marriage, you need to be there for her when the punishment hits. it is going to be hard for all of you, but in the end it will be worth it. You will truly know she regrets her actions, you will truly know that she is completely over these men.

 

 

 

She needs to give you her email account information.

 

 

 

You need to understand that this is not your fault. No matter what you did or did not do to her in the marriage nothing deserves this, nothing at all. When she had the affairs, she betrayed her children as well as you. They are the ultimate innocent victims in her actions. What did they do to their mother to deserve this betrayal from her?

 

 

 

You absolutely need her email account information.

 

 

 

Get the email information. Get the email information. Get the email information. Get the email information.

 

Even if you said no, in order for her to show her dedication to make this work, and her openness to your trust, she should entrust you with every single email password she has. You can say no, but she should send them anyway.

[silverfish]

i can understand why you love her. She is laying it all before you to do with as you wish. She would only do this if she loved you too. If she wanted to she could have carried on deceiving you and lying etc. She does not have it in her to do this. I think this makes her a fundamentally good person. I have never done this BTW so have no hidden agenda. I have a close friend whose husband left her for her friend - a colleague at work. They were apart for 2 yrs but have worked it out.

You need to get to the bottom of WHY she felt she needed to do this. Maybe missing you,her kids, being the tough career lady.

Men do this to their wives all the time. Your situation is the reverse of the norm. One thing - if you decide to forgive her and make it work you must at some point decide not to punish her for what she's done.

She obviously respects you whatever the outcome. That may sound hard to believe right now, but she respects you enough not to live a lie and take whatever is coming to her. I assume that she may have considered losing her kids over this - as well as you.....

[ahab]

 

She should show you how much she cares and regrets her actions by turning herself in to her chain of command and suffering the consequences. This will also show that she does not feel for these people anymore, as they will be reprimanded with her. She did the crime, now she needs to do the time. If she really felt bad, she would do what's right and take her punishment. Yes it will be embarrassing to her, yes it may financially impact your family, however she needs to understand that this is wrong. If she is an officer or senior nco then she needs to turn herself in even more so. If she decides to do the right thing and take her punishment, and you want to continue your marriage, you need to be there for her when the punishment hits. it is going to be hard for all of you, but in the end it will be worth it. You will truly know she regrets her actions, you will truly know that she is completely over these men.

 

I forgot to mention that this may also get her home from Iraq sooner. Long distance is no way to resolve relationship issues. The faster you start counseling, the quicker she takes her punishment, the faster you will be able to move forward.

 

You sound like you ultimately really do love her, and so I hope you can work it out. My heart is with the two of you. Marriage is a wonderful and sacred thing. It is very rare in life to find someone to commit yourself to, and when you do, you need to hold on with all your might. It is going to be a bumpy ride, but well worth it if you can hold on tight enough.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

^

I would think that as well, except there are certain things that are still pretty wonky. Such as how she hid this for a very long time. I'm actually surprised by how long she did that.

 

Even now, he still had to pull things out of her, such as the e-mailing situtation.

 

I'm thinking that there's much more to these things than the H. knows, and he feels that as well.

 

But at the same time, I hear you. I imagine most BSs never really get the full story, and after a while the details are kind of moot.

 

 

 

Getting good professional help is required.

 

I do not blame the OP for questioning everything.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

OP, I apologize ahead of time if this was mentioned elsewhere in this thread --- but when you will both start to live life together in the same home on a daily basis? How long until your w. comes home for good?

[love my wife]

Hi everyone, original poster here. I need to clarify a few things.

First of all, when I said in the original post that our marriage was not perfect, I was inattentive, absent-minded, didn't show her enough affection, etc... that was me talking not her. Not once has she tried to use those things as an excuse. I took her for granted. I didn't show her affection, stayed up watching tv a lot of nights when she went to bed. I hit her in the ribs once. I didn't hold her when she needed it. I didn't see to her needs like she saw to mine. This is me talking, not her. I am not a perfect man, but I have always been honest with her though. I may not have shown her all the love and affection she needed, but I did love her more than anything and never meant to hurt her.

Second, she came to me and gave me the upper hand in this relationship resolution. I was in the states, had easy lawyer access, had proof of 3 affairs, had her admission, and I could have easily gotten the kids, her health benefits, money, house, and car in a divorce. To admit this while in Iraq with limited resources at her disposal shows me that she wanted this out in the open badly. Even knowing that coming forward to me would give me the upper hand, she did so anyway under her own admission. I did not ask her if she was cheating, I did not tell her i knew she was cheating. We were discussing counseling and she wanted me to decide if I wanted to go knowing everything first. I give her enormous credit for this.

The emails bothered me a lot. I don't understand why she was not forthcoming at first. Maybe it was a simple mistake, there is no way to tell. I see a lot of people here saying I need all of her email names and passwords. She asked me if I wanted one of them, and I said no. Yes I kinda feel that she should have sent me every single one anyway, on her own, that only seems fair. Honestly I wont look in the email anyway. Butt yes the emails bug me a bit.

We have been talking nonstop for the last few days about this and we are going to go to counseling and see if we can work things out. I don't feel anger towards her, I don't feel the need for punishment. I am frustrated, hurt, confused, suspicious, and a few others, but vengeful, or angry aren't in there.

If she decides to go to her chain of command and turn herself in, that will be her choice. I will not ask her to, but I told her I will support her either way and that by turning herself in, won't make me leave her. Unfortunately she outranks the other soldier by quite a bit and he is national guard, she is active duty, she is married, he is single with a girlfriend, so turning herself in would hurt her more than him. Those of you who are familiar with the military know that even if she does turn herself in, the army is notoriously slow with anything they do. She is scheduled to return in 4 months anyway and turning herself in would not expedite that. As far as the do the crime do the time comment, well thats up to her. I don't see the point in financially punishing herself and the family, but i do see the commenters point.

She is and always has been an excellent mother to our boys. She is in the Army but we have been lucky enough that she only missed 2 years of our 7 year olds life and a year of our 2-1/2 a half year olds life. She is probably the greatest mother a child could ask for except for these incidents. While her parenting skills awill not be the reason I would stay with her, they are exceptional.

Thank you all for your insight, I am still stunned, but getting a little more sane each hour that passes..

[love my wife]

OP, I apologize ahead of time if this was mentioned elsewhere in this thread --- but when you will both start to live life together in the same home on a daily basis? How long until your w. comes home for good?

 

3-1/2 to 4 months left on deployment

[silverfish]

You are already in a unique situation. She is away, you are at home with 2 kids. Do you work ? Can you support her if she decides to leave her job? Does she feel the weight of supporting her family on her shoulders ?

Do not underestimate this. However much someone wants to be the breadwinner, its a lot of responsibility. You have more time than she to sort out the practicalities of that. Is there a money issue here too?

[ahab]

Sole breadwinner, main breadwinner or not, she should not have done what she did. Cheating is much more than simply sex. It is a breach of trust in a relationship that can never be fully repaired. It is a breaking of a sacred vow that 2 people make to each other. It is inexcusable under any circumstances.

 

 

 

Being the sole or main breadwinner in a family is no easy task. It is stressful, it is tough and it is an awesome responsibility. Your wife is breaking the norm as well being a mother in the military while the dad stays home. I am sure that adds to her stress as well. However, there are many military families that have a sole breadwinner or main breadwinner father, while the mom stays home, and the majority of them are totally faithful. Since she is a woman does that give her permission to cheat?

 

 

There is no excuse for cheating and the faster your wife sees that, and admits to herself what she did to not only you but the kids as well was wrong and inexcusable, the quicker the 2 of you can move on. She selfishly put her kids futures with her at risk by having unprotected sex with a man she only knew for a few weeks, or even if she knew him for years, she has no idea of his sexual history. Judging from the story behind their encounter this man was a womanizer plain and simple, there is no doubt about this. In his past there are no doubt scores of women naive and foolish enough who fell for his game, just like your wife. With multiple partners come multiple chances of disease. Are you absolutely sure your wife was really tested and not just saying she was? I would ask for the results on Doctor letterhead. Having been in the military myself I do know that being a female in uniform does make her a target for every soldier without a conscience out there, such as the one involved in your story. Remember she is the minority. She needs to walk around being extra vigilant and that is not easy. Has she considered exiting the military? You wife was taken advantage of, however she had every opportunity to say no. Even better she should have never let a person get that close to her to begin with. As a female in the military she most certainly should have know better and it is no ones fault but her own. Once again, i would demand the test results on Doctor letterhead.

 

 

Without those email passwords, trust is going to be hard to come by. You absolutely need for her to send you those passwords. You are obviously worried about the emails and a simple way for her to put this to rest is to give you the passwords. Problem solved! Does she know you are concerned with these emails? If so why did she not just send you the passwords and be done with it, whether you ask for them or not? Seems to me like she is still hiding something. Remember for every day that goes by when she does not send you her passwords, thats one more day to clean her inbox, create a new account and email her friends the new account name. There is no excuse for her to not just email you each and every password. It is a simple task, that will greatly put your mind at ease.

 

 

 

In your post you stated a lot of things that you neglected to give her. Every woman has needs. Every woman deserves to have her needs met. You did not meet these needs and that may have contributed to the situation. You also hit her once. This is unforgivable. You are her protector, you are supposed to watch out for her and by doing that, you betrayed her trust. Have you considered seeing someone for your anger? Even that though does not give her the right to do what she did. She not only betrayed you, but she betrayed her children as well. There is NOTHING worse than a mother who betrays her children.

 

 

 

Yes your wife may outrank the other soldier and turning herself in will hurt her more than him. However he used her, she let him, they should both be exposed for the people they are. Turning herself in and telling her chain of command his name would show you personally that you wife has absolutely no feelings left for this individual. There is no better way to show that and unless she does you will always have worry and doubt about whether she really feels nothing. Doing this will also help her with her guilt. She knows what she did, and turning herself and him in will help her feel punished, help her with her guilt, and help her put this behind both you and her. There is something called responsibility. Your wife broke the rules of both marriage and the military. It may hurt her, it may be embarrassing at first to turn herself and him into her chain of command, however, it is the right thing to do and you and her know it. This man will do this to more women. She messed up, and betrayed the trust of other soldiers. One post said she was an officer, well especially an officer or an NCO, a leader of soldiers, should step up to the plate and take responsibility. I have been in the Army, I know there is a huge shortage of soldiers who actually have something called integrity. Your wife is one of those lacking soldiers. Integrity means: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values. Your wife obviously has none unless she turns herself in and admits what she did. This is a very rare trait in the military. Few soldiers have it any more, and to find a soldier with it, to find a soldier with enough of it to take responsibility for her actions, is a rare and special and absolutely wonderful thing. If she has enough integrity and pride in herself to do this, you better never ever let her go. I don't think that she will however, like I said it is an extremely rare thing to find in a soldier these days. Based on her actions so far, she shows that she is not an officer, she is simply an empty uniform. She does not deserve to wear the rank of Specialist after what she did. There is a big difference between a leader and someone with rank. Your wife is no longer a leader, she is simply a person with rank. She needs to turn herself in, work her way back up to where she is now through hard work and proving herself trustworthy. Once she does that, she will be better, prouder, and more respected for it. She will be able to hold her head high rather than hide in the shadows because of embarrassment. Rather than soldiers suspecting that she did something terrible and rather than the innuendos going around the base, they will look at her with respect and admiration. You personally be EXTREMELY PROUD of her, and will respect her more as well, as will all of her friends and family. You said you would stand beside her if she chooses this. Have you told her that? If so I would really push her to do so, it will make both of you feel much better and allow both of you to hold your heads high. The other soldiers will see what she did was wrong, but that she believes in the right thing to do. They will see her as one of those rare, wonderful, special soldier with INTEGRITY. They will step back and saw "WOW look at what she did, turned herself in and took responsibility for her actions, Now that's not a soldier, thats a LEADER, Thats someone with chutzpa, someone with ethics, someone who believes in themselves, in their job, in living their life responsibly, and living their life with honor." As former military myself I would look upon her as one of god's most wonderful creatures. As a person who knows she is flawed, yet admits these flaws to the world. Admits these flaws and show everyone that even though we may not be perfect, we can accept responsibility for our actions, hold our head high, and get our life back on track. I would see her as a leader of soldiers regardless of her rank. I would see her as a very special, rare soldier with integrity. There is no higher compliment for a person in uniform to have bestowed upon them. Sometimes we have to fall in order to stand up higher!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

From reading all your posts "love my wife" one thing is painfully clear. You absolutely love your wife. The simple fact that after she admitted to 3 affairs and you are here now looking for ways to reconcile rather than just leaving her, says a lot about how you feel for her. The way you word your posts also show that love and care for her very deeply. I did not find one thing said in anger by you in any of your posts. I did not see one thing said in vengeance. You seem like a kind, forgiving, flawed man, who has been deeply hurt. It would have been easy for you to gain everything in a divorce. Does she feel as strongly for you as you obviously do for her? Does she know how strongly you feel for her? Are you really prepared to get past something like this? Remember she has things to get past as well. You were not a great husband by your own admission, and you laid a hand on her. On top of that she has her own guilt over what she has done.

 

 

 

I think that of the two of you really commit to each other, and really love each other, that you can get past this. Saying you have no vengeful feelings is a major hurdle already passed. Revenge is the root of all evil. Do not do it, you will regret it no matter how good it feels while doing it.

[silverfish]

Sorry but the idea that her fellow soldiers would respect her admissions of her failings is ridiculous. i have worked for many years with teams of men and actually that is the LAST thing she should be doing. If anyone in her environment knows about her personal situation her personal business it's because of male gossip or what she has chosen herself to disclose.

Their opinion of her is irrelevant right now. She is doing her job, and sorting out her personal life, supporting her family....

Maybe its all too much for her.It sounds like its become a really heavy burden to bear for her and she wants a way out. Be careful, she could be depressed and reaching out for help

[Chrome Barracuda]

...Why didnt you get the dna test done?

 

...Also what if it does happen again?

 

I mean she may not be so faithful in the future even if she does do the hard work, there is a reason why now she wishes to change.

 

Like i said if it was me I'd have a real hard problem with it, but if you want to work it out, then let her come to you. let her court you, let her buy you flowers , let her make dates, let her apologize. let her make things up, just hold up your end.

[EmperorR]

Seems like to much of a hassle, and don't blame yourself, its not like you invited some dude to go screw your wife, she's a adult and made her own decisions.

[CaliGuy]

My best advice if you want to save your marriage is counseling.

 

But in all honesty, you have every right to walk away from her and not look back. You have remained faithful while she was gone, I don't understand why she couldn't do the same. Her inability to control herself is a very bad sign.

 

Also read the book: "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson). Lots of good advice for people in your position.