Is it ever too late?

[cek]

I'm sure many of you here have read about my story. If you have not, you are welcome to ask, and I will fill you in.

 

Basically, I'm now wondering if it's ever too late to work things out. I suppose if your ex of several years is now happily married, the chances of reconciliation are slim to none, but my case is clearly not this extreme.

 

I really do not want a cynical response, please. I know that not all cases work out, and most of the time, the advice is to move on. For me, I am not moving on, and in fact, believe I've found the one. I still have hope that things will work out between him and I. I would love to hear success stories and positive advice/feedback.

 

Is it ever too late to reconcile?

[Aerorobyn]

I wish I could be of some help to you, but I can't. I'm in the same situation as you--madly in love, with the belief that I've found The One, and not willing to give up or lose hope. It may be hope that will never happen...but you know when you're truly in love.

[monkeymaid]

no, it may never be too late, but you wont know that unless you actually let go and move on with your life. as long as you are hoping, you are restricting your own growth and the ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone. once you let go, you will see clearer. letting go doesnt mean forgetting, it just means that you see through the fog and can maneuver in your best interests

[EasyHeart]

It seems counter-intuitive, but giving your ex and your self some space can actually bring you closer. After a break up, you both need some time alone and time to figure out what went wrong with your relationship. Only if both of you are willing and able to change can you come back together. Otherwise, you'll just go back to exactly where you were before -- a relationship that didn't work.

[chrissreef]

Easyheart " After a break up, you both need some time alone and time to figure out what went wrong with your relationship"

 

can this occur if the person ran off with someone else right after a relationship?

[cek]

Perhaps it is my instinct that this situation isn't completely over. I am a physician and trust my instincts with diagnoses every day. Throughout my entire life, my instinct has not failed me. And my instinct is telling me that I should not move on. It is also telling me that he is the "one". Ironically, my life is "falling into place", so that I will be near him. It could also be my "drive" as a disabled person not to give up on a task unless I've exhausted all possible ways to complete it. It could be any number of reasons. But I know in my heart of hearts that I am in love with him, and I do in fact love him. That I do not doubt.

 

To try to make a long story short, due to being emotionally abused by my peers, and being raised in a broken family, I unintentionally gave him the signals that I only wanted friendship, which was not true. I've always wanted more, as did he. We both realized after becoming just friends that we both loved each other, but neither knew it. He wanted to be just friends, and knows clearly that I did not want that. Even after becoming just friends, things did not remain completely platonic. To this day, we are the best of friends, and know each other inside out. He is disabled with the same rare disorder, which nearly killed us both. I am less physically affected. However, he did not endure the same emotional abuse from peers, and was raised in a closer knit family. Of course neither family is perfect, but his parents have a wonderful marriage, whereas I do not even remember my parents being married. Also, my family is not openly affectionate (except between women and children), whereas his family is very openly affectionate. I had also been told from a very young age that men are awful, unreliable, and will leave a relationship once he "doesn't feel like it" anymore. All of these experiences made it difficult to open up to him, and trust his word when he complemented me and told me he loved me.

 

I began to trust him more, and opened up to him. I did my best to send out the signals that I wanted more than friendship. He saw that, and seemed to know that I wanted more. He was very clear that he wanted more than friendship. When he decided that a friendship would be better, it could not have been under worse circumstances. Within two weeks, I had undergone major surgery and lost a very close relative. In fact, during our first meeting/date, he spent the night with me at the hotel I was staying at, and went with me to the hospital, staying there the entire day of surgery. I woke up from surgery to him holding my hand and watching me sleep! I was hospitalized about a week, and he came to the hospital nearly every day until I was discharged. To me, it's as if I was in a "rough spot", and perhaps not thinking as positively as I was before. I didn't feel as though I had truly been myself. We had spoken several times of our relationship. He apologized multiple times for hurting me, saying that he didn't want to lose me forever. I admitted my love for him, which he was very glad to hear. I often received mixed signals. But most recently, he has said that perhaps things could still work out for us, now that he understood why I had questioned and second guessed him so much during the relationship. And of course, we have remained the best of friends, talking nearly every day.

 

Though we live in different states, I am moving there for career purposes. I knew that long before I ever met him. However, I will be staying with him for an extended amount of time in the near future. Perhaps this time could be my chance to reconcile? We will be essentially living together for quite a while.

 

Unfortunately, he is meeting a new girl, who lives in yet another state. I am closer to him than she is. She spoke with me recently, giving me warnings and belittling me. I did nothing to provoke her, and I did not tell him about what she had said. I know that he would not, and does not tolerate anyone emotionally abusing me in any way. I don't know if he would end contact with this new girl if I told him what she has said to me, but I know he would at the very least be upset with her.

 

He and I both have very strong religious beliefs that God will lead us in life, directing us in where He wants us to go, who He wants us to become, and who He wants us to be with. I pray every day that this will work out for me and him. My only fear is that it is too late to correct my mistakes. My instinct says it is not too late. I can only hope that my instinct is correct, and I am not too late in correcting the situation, and reconciling the relationship.

[BCCA]

First, there is no 'the one'. There are litterally thousands of persons you could have a wonderful and long lasting relationship with. On a psychological level, the 'one' is a way to keep holding onto something out of fear of loss, and to dismiss the obvious facts for the sake of believing that what you want will come to you if you want it enough.

 

Next, you have to understand that it absolutely takes two to tango. YOU alone can do nothing to make any relationship work, it takes both of you making an equal effort to keep things afloat. Unless both of you make the decision to make things work, and follow up those words with actions, you will get nowhere.

 

You've also done some very counter productive things. For one, you should not be talking every day, and I question how you could truly be best friends if you didnt even know about this other girl until he was going to see her. Being friends with someone you have romatic feelings for is without a doubt one of the worst things to do. Youre living a lie, youve said before you dont want to be just friends, so why are you? I know it seems as though it opens up an opportunity to talk more and wait him out, but it also gives him your emotional support and companionship with no strings attached. He could really dissapear tomorrow or date someone else, and he wouldnt have wronged you. Telling someone you love them when theyre telling you theyre having doubts is also usually a bad call. I'm sure it was nice to hear, but he didnt feel the same way. This is the crux of your issues actually. You and him seem to have a different view about your relationship and what you want for the future. He's looking at someone else, while youre waiting on the bench. That does NOT make you more appealing, its quite the opposite actually.

 

What you need to do is tell him straight up that you want more than a friendship, and if he doesnt want to pursue a relationship, you need him to stay out of your life, at least for 6 months to a year. You cannot let him have his cake and eat it, too, or thats all he's ever going to want. Youve given him all the power, when your opinion does matter. If he cant offer more than a friendship, then respect his wishes, but you have to move on.

 

Is it ever too late to reconcile?

 

The fact that you asked this question tells me what youre really thinking is 'convince me that waiting indefinitely will work', and I cant help you out there. Remember, it absolutely HAS to be something that you BOTH equally want, and its pretty obvious thats not the case. Fine, nothing wrong with giving it a try, but if you continue to offer this friendship and talk to him all the time, I can assure you that youre reconciliation will go nowhere. Why would he make a choice if he doesnt have to?

[concerned citizen]

I am a romantic and believe that love is an odd and wondrous thing. We can't control who we love, when we love them, or if they love us. We can control how we act upon that love. No it is never too late for a second chance. It is never too late for any number of chances.

[BCCA]

No it is never too late for a second chance. It is never too late for any number of chances.

 

Here is the only thing anyone needs to understand:

 

It's never too late, but it takes TWO people deciding to make something work. You wanting to make something work with someone who doesnt feel the same way will NEVER work, it just wont.

 

A lot of people are taking the realization that someone doesnt feel the same way as they do as giving up on potential for reconciliation. Its not, its just reading the writing on the wall. Unless youre both on the same page, youre reading different books.

 

Holding on forever is not romantic, its unhealthy. Only hold onto those that do the same for you.

[cek]

I am a romantic and believe that love is an odd and wondrous thing. We can't control who we love, when we love them, or if they love us. We can control how we act upon that love. No it is never too late for a second chance. It is never too late for any number of chances.

 

Thank you. That gives me more hope. I am a romantic as well, and believe the same things about love. I also believe strongly in following instinct. My instinct tells me that I've found the one. I know he's open to reconciliation, I just want to be sure that I don't wait too long to try. It would only break my heart more if I waited too long to try to work things out.

 

I still love him. I know he loved me. Who's to say he can't love me again? IMO, we're going through an odd period. He's not the type to play games, and I believe that when he said he didn't want to lose me forever, he meant it. To this day he says he'd be very upset if for any reason I was to disappear from his life.

 

I'll be staying with him for an extended amount of time in the near future, and IMO, it will be a great time to try reconciling.

[RecordProducer]

First, there is no 'the one'. There are litterally thousands of persons you could have a wonderful and long lasting relationship with. On a psychological level, the 'one' is a way to keep holding onto something out of fear of loss, and to dismiss the obvious facts for the sake of believing that what you want will come to you if you want it enough.

 

Next, you have to understand that it absolutely takes two to tango. YOU alone can do nothing to make any relationship work, it takes both of you making an equal effort to keep things afloat. Unless both of you make the decision to make things work, and follow up those words with actions, you will get nowhere.

I think this is wonderful advice.

 

However, I think you're mixing these two people when you say this:

 

He could really dissapear tomorrow or date someone else, and he wouldnt have wronged you. Telling someone you love them when theyre telling you theyre having doubts is also usually a bad call. I'm sure it was nice to hear, but he didnt feel the same way. This is the crux of your issues actually. You and him seem to have a different view about your relationship and what you want for the future. He's looking at someone else, while youre waiting on the bench. That does NOT make you more appealing, its quite the opposite actually.

 

It's HER who wanted just friendship when he wanted much more. Not the other way round. SHE pushed him away. That's the whole point.

 

CEK, if this man still loves you, there is definitely a chance for you unless he already fell in love with the other woman. But if he keeps saying "no, no, no" then it's best to let go. Dr. Chopra says "Whe you want somehting too much - let it go."

 

Then it comes to you. Or something better comes to you perhaps?

[cek]

I think this is wonderful advice.

 

However, I think you're mixing these two people when you say this:

 

 

 

It's HER who wanted just friendship when he wanted much more. Not the other way round. SHE pushed him away. That's the whole point.

 

CEK, if this man still loves you, there is definitely a chance for you unless he already fell in love with the other woman. But if he keeps saying "no, no, no" then it's best to let go. Dr. Chopra says "Whe you want somehting too much - let it go."

 

Then it comes to you. Or something better comes to you perhaps?

 

You are sort of correct. I wanted MORE than a friendship, as did he, however, I unintentionally gave out the signals that all I wanted was friendship. This was due to emotional abuse I went through growing up. He just met this other woman yesterday, and we all live in different states (I'm closest to him). He's not saying "no no no" to me. He wants me in his life, and often tells me how upset he'd be if I wasn't in his life at all. I love him, but am not totally sure of his feelings. He isn't in love with this girl, they just met.

 

Also, I'll be living with him for an extended amount of time in the near future. It's been planned for several months, and he still wants me to stay with him.

 

I've been rather ambivalent lately, but I've decided to put all of my feelings out in the open to him. We are best friends, and I know it won't ruin the friendship. He should know everything, and often says I should take more of those risks, and say exactly what's on my mind. I'm more afraid of waiting until it's too late to tell him. He and I share the same religious beliefs of allowing God to lead life. I feel as though I should lay out ALL the information. Then I can truly sit back, and allow God to take over.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

Didn't you reveal how you felt for him just recently?

 

After you told him that you love him, you found out about his girlfriend.

 

What could you tell him that would be new?

 

I get the sense that there's a lot of anxiety, tension, and/or discomfort that you would like to relieve by communicating this stuff to him - but I really wonder how much you are hurting your cause by doing so.

 

Something to think about.

[EasyHeart]

I think this thread is interesting because it highlights the two most common themes of advice that I've seen in this forum: (1) some people encouraging holding on to hope of reconciliation and (2) some people who think that once a relationship is over, it's over and you need to cut off contact.

 

Which of these two types of advice is correct depends on the situation. Lots of us get dumped and respond by being clingy and desperate, and begging for another chance. In those cases, I think 'no contact' is essential. Neediness is never attractive, and begging and whining will never get you back with your ex. (And yes, I've done it many times! )

 

Other times, people break up because of misunderstandings and miscommunications. Or because of external factors no one can control (stress with work, health problems, family problems) that distract them from the relationship.

 

In the first case, it's unlikely that you'll ever get back together with your ex. He/she has moved on, and you need to, as well.

 

But in the latter case, I think reconciliation MAY be possible. Not likely, but possible. You still need a little time apart for both of you to heal your wounds and to figure out what went wrong with your relationship. If you can figure that out, and IF each of you is willing to fix whatever problems you had, and IF both of you can forgive whatever hurt they felt during the relationship/break up and IF both of you are willing to start a new relationship from scratch, then I think it's possible to get back together. The world is full of happily married couples that broke up at one point or another.

 

But I think the key think the key is to be at a place where you are THINKING about your relationship, not FEELING it. I've seen a lot of your posts, cek, and they touch me because I can relate to many of the things you've said, and I got dumped a couple months ago by a woman who pushed me away. It sounds to me like you're understanding your issues, and that's good (my ex is not). It also sounds like your wounds are still fresh and you're hurting very badly. I know how that feels (and I'm sure LOTS of other people on this forum know it, too). But I think you're still at a point in your healing where you are reacting on pure emotion, and that is not a good position from which to start a reconciliation.

 

My advice is to step back for a few weeks. Don't contact your ex and try not to think about him (I know! "Easier said than done". But you CAN do it). Think about what caused your break up and exactly how you are going to address those problems. Not broad promises, but specific and verifiable steps (just like if you were treating a patient). The fact that your ex is still talking to you is a very good sign; if he had given up hope, he would have told you to leave him alone.

 

But you'll never be able to just 'get back together'. If you reconcile sometime in the future, it as to be as two new people starting a new relationship. Otherwise, it will never work.

 

You sound like a very sweet person who has suffered a lot of pain in her life. You've had to deal with lots of things that most of us don't, things we take for granted. Before you can have a healthy relationship, you need to make sure your heart is healthy, and that's going to take some time. Don't give up hope, but don't rush things along, either. If you do, you'll just end up in the same place you started -- a failing relationship.

 

Work on yourself before you work on your relationship. Hopefully, your ex will give you the time you need and you'll eventually be able to start over again. But even if he doesn't, you'll be happier and emotionally healthier when someone else comes along.

[RecordProducer]

...always reminds me of the myth about vampires (according to the low-budget movies ): namely, if you spill stuff in front of a vampire, he will stop doing whatever he was doing and pick up the spilled items (e.g. potato chips) - and then you have time to run away.

 

We do this with our relationships: when we see the mess that the breakup caused, we just can't walk over it and keep going. We must bend over and pick up every single piece, and we won't be satisfied until we pick them all up.

 

I understand that it's an emotional thing (love), but there are other emotions that permeate our hearts when we face troubles. The ego is a very strong "body part." We want to prove that we can change things, that CAN pick the mess up. Some people can't fall asleep if the door is open, some people can't go to bed if they haven't done the dishes. Moving on is not much different. We feel like we can't move on until we've cleared all the mess from the previous relationship.

 

As icky and itchy as it may be, we must move on. We must let go of the ego and look ahead. Time doesn't cure anything if you choose NOT to let go. The reason why time cures love pain is because the distance clears our thoughts and helps us realize "Hey, it's not the end of the world. I am still alive!" The less you see your ex the less you think about them because you don't have any new information.

 

Nothing will change your feelings unless you let new information enter your mind. Time brings information that your ex never looked for you, that you're not important to them, that you don't like feeling unimportant - so you stop wanting your ex. The worst thing in getting over an ex is when they mess with your head by telling you how much they love you. I see most determination and success in healing in people who were brutally dumped and let know that they are history, that they are written off for good.

 

I had a very hard time getting over my first husband. He kept telling me he loved me. I kept begging him to reconcile. Six months after we split, I realized that he really didn't want me back, so I initiated no-contact. I was getting over him very slowly. One night, I came to his house and told him I still loved him. he told me "I don't love you anymore." This was the pivotal point in my healing. A few months later, I was completely over him, dating a new guy. I never ever looked back.

 

With my second husband I was doing really fine when we split, because I felt it was the end. Then I saw him suffering, missing me, wanting to spend a lot of time with me; I saw him jealous, trying to make ME jealous, he asked me to go on a vacation with him to the Bahamas, he said things that implied that he planned to be with me in the future, that he loves me, that it's not over. He even told me the other day that he wouldn't sleep with anyone for as long as we're officially married. I know him well and in his language this means "It's not over 'till it's over."

 

These things totally mess me up. Everybody warned me NOT to spend time with him, but I didn't listen. I thought I was immune to pain because I was feeling great and moving on. I made a huge leap just to be dragged back in the whirlpool of hope. The fact is, he is not initiating reconciliation. My grandmother used to say "If you put your hand on the door handle and your man didn't stop you from leaving - keep walking."

 

We are enabling people to play with our hearts because when they say "No, thanks, I am not hungry," we still serve them food. So they keep saying "no, thanks" and getting whatever they needed without having to ask for it. They're getting the milk without buying the cow, if you prefer.

 

When somebody says "no," show them that you're taking them seriously - if you want to be taken seriously. Don't play games. CEK, you're planning a game: you'll live with him and maybe you'll manage to sneak back under his skin. You don't think of it as a game, but that's what it is. If you think it was you who pushed him away, who made a mistake, just ask him one more time - and let him know that it's the very last time - if he wants to be with you or not. Trust me, a person who loves you will say "Yes." He'll dump whomever he's dating.

 

If he says "No," say "OK" and move on. You have to believe people that when they say "No" it's really NO. They don't have to say it three times or three thousand times. Once is enough. Living in his house while he's dating another woman will not do you any good. He will NOT want you more if you're around. On the contrary - he will want you more if you're NOT around. You don't have to live in his house. As a doctor, you will probably be financially able to rent a place.

 

Don't live with him. I know you won't listen, but just remember these words: you will get hurt like never before. Unless this is just a game for you and you feel compelled to steal him from his new girlfriend...

[cek]

Didn't you reveal how you felt for him just recently?

 

After you told him that you love him, you found out about his girlfriend.

 

What could you tell him that would be new?

 

I get the sense that there's a lot of anxiety, tension, and/or discomfort that you would like to relieve by communicating this stuff to him - but I really wonder how much you are hurting your cause by doing so.

 

Something to think about.

 

I did tell him recently, but have done so indirectly twice before. This third time was very direct, and he was glad I finally said it. She's not his girlfriend, that I know. I do have new things to tell him. Plus there are other things I think he's underestimating, and I'm trying to make my point hit home. I know at least our friendship is solid enough that it won't hurt my cause. It might actually help it, and give him some "food for thought".