Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 This is a question solely for the ladies. I'm curious about something. Do you ladies really want a sensitive man, someone who can read your moods and accommodate? If so, you realize that external sensitivity will most often equate to internal sensitivity. So, what do you ladies want? I know what I like but will throw in my two bits later.
Star Gazer Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Before my BF, I would have said no. But one of the things I love most about him is his ability to interpret my moods, a certain level of intuition, and respond/support accordingly.
Kamille Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 My instinct is to say yes. Plus this verifies in the fact that all three guys I've had LTRs with were sensitive men. It caused problems for them sometimes. It didn't usually cause problems for us - as I can relate to sensitivity; plus I'm grounded enough that we would usually balance each other's mood out. I said usually because in the case of last year's ex, his sensitivity was coupled with insecurity, and that was hard to handle at times.
blind_otter Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Sensitivity, sure. NO cry guys, though. I can't stand to see a man cry. But to be honest with you, in my case at least, I do not always want my mood to be accomodated because I can be an irrational bitch sometimes.
Isolde Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 If you're talking about sensitivity as in experiencing rarified subtle emotions and being able to incorporate them into a relationship, then yes, I can appreciate that. If you're talking about sensitivity as in emotional immaturity, taking offense at the slightest insult, overanalyzing my every mood, then no. As always, the happy medium seems to be the answer. I can appreciate a degree of stoicism as long as they're a good person.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Absolutely. I want a partner who is intuitive, sensitive, and caring. To me, all these attributes go hand-in-hand with multi-level intelligence, which is critical to me. In spite of whatever shortcomings he may have possessed, my last boyfriend was uncannily able to figure out what was going on with me beneath the surface, without me having to say a word. And most of the time, he knew how to take assertive action to counteract whatever was bogging me down. I treasured that combination of sensitivity and assertiveness.
Beautiful Inside Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 i had an overly emo guy and it sux man you feel like your not the freakin girl in the relationship. i think in the middle is good just to be open with your feelings to keep the communication open....ummm i like guys that are tough rough on the outside but can still cry when they need to but not over everything not like me!!!! im the freakin girl!!! lol
burning 4 revenge Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Sensitivity, sure. NO cry guys, though. I can't stand to see a man cry. Does it make you sick to your stomach? Does it make you want to slap them?
blind_otter Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Does it make you sick to your stomach? Does it make you want to slap them? Sick to my stomach. Extreme feelings of discomfort along with not knowing what to do to make them stop crying. Strangely I have never had an issue with women crying. Maybe because I only ever saw my Dad cry in association with funerals.
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 It's looking like many of the woman want men who are sensitive to their needs and/or to relationship needs. Any other women have input?
Ocean-Blue Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Yes, I want sensitive. As b_o said, I do not want a man who cries on a regular basis. I can't stand this. As I've said numerous times, there's only room for ONE emotional freak in a relationship. I'd rather it be me than him. My fiance is pretty intuitive when it comes to my emotions. The thing with us is that he doesn't react the way I'm used to. I used to have a highly emotional relationship with my ex. He tried to placate me, and even pandered to my highly tempermental ways. I've learned that doesn't work with my fiance. It has sort of forced me to evaluate the sincerity of my emotions. It's like the guy can read my mind!
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Yes, that's one of the most important things for me. I am very emotional and highly temperamental and I need someone who will read my moods and be nice to me when I am feeling crappy. I can not stand guys who can spend the whole evening with me and not even pick up on the fact that I am not in a good mood or completly ignore it (most guys do this). I feel like we don't have a connection if my moods are not understood and accomodated. Tough love doesn't work with me even if I am being irrational - that makes me feel even more alone and makes me want to retreat from the guy. I need hugs, comfort and tolerance of my moods - a sense of humor that makes me feel better would be nice too. Most guys are not sensitive or intuitive, that's the problem. I don't mind men crying but he can't have too many emotional issues because I already have more than enough for two. I also need someone who is more grounded than I am as I tend to live in a fantasy world - and two people living in the clouds makes for a very chaotic life. But I digress....
blondesmiler Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Hungover this morning so just a simple ~ yes in agreement from me. x
lovestruck818 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 sensitive men are pansies. I want someone who can stand up for himself and say no to me every once in a while.
sunshinegirl Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I've dated both ends of the spectrum: a hypersensitive, insecure emo guy and a complete emotionally flat, un-empathetic guy. Both suck. I want someone in between: who is observant and notices when something is going on with me before I have to wave my hands in front in his face, and kind/confident/assertive enough to take steps to help.
BobSacamento Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 So when is it ok for a man to cry? Here's my scenarios for when I see a dude cry and I'm not like "MAN UP": - Funerals - When your team loses in the Superbowl/World Series game 7 - The end of the movie "Home Alone" I have seen some dudes cry when they got dumped by my friends. It's painful to watch and totally not a reasonable reaction.
Taramere Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 If 1 is a psychopath - utterly devoid of empathy and sensitivity towards others, and 10 is a quivering wreck of shattered ideals and neuroses, I'd probably err on the side of caution and go for a man who rated between 5 and 7. I don't think the fact that a man doesn't talk much about emotions necessarily means he's insensitive. With some men it strikes me that they just can't stand to show their feelings or to see a woman they care about being upset. Would prefer to ignore emotional distress in the hope that it'll go away. Avoiding the issue of someone's unhappiness isn't the same as not caring....but men are so discouraged from being touchy-feely that it's maybe very hard for a naturally sensitive man to deal with those situations in a way he's comfortable with. I associate lack of sensitivity with unkindness, emotional dullness and lack of consideration towards other people. Being with someone like that would depress me. I'd sooner be with someone who could be a bit tricky and quick to take offence now and again than with a cold fish who cared about nobody other than himself. Conflict between two sensitive individuals is manageable, but lack of emotion and empathy is something that just can't be changed.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I like having someone who can read my moods, but that's difficult to find in a man. Men are just built differently. We as women need to be able to speak up for ourselves if we feel our men aren't "getting" us. Not ideal, but it is reality. If we are dating someone who can't empathize with us, then it is time to move on. My guy doesn't always "get" it, but when I do tell him I'm feeling sad/confused/moody, he responds in a sensitive manner, which is all I can ask.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 If 1 is a psychopath - utterly devoid of empathy and sensitivity towards others, and 10 is a quivering wreck of shattered ideals and neuroses, I'd probably err on the side of caution and go for a man who rated between 5 and 7. I don't think the fact that a man doesn't talk much about emotions necessarily means he's insensitive. With some men it strikes me that they just can't stand to show their feelings or to see a woman they care about being upset. Would prefer to ignore emotional distress in the hope that it'll go away. Avoiding the issue of someone's unhappiness isn't the same as not caring....but men are so discouraged from being touchy-feely that it's maybe very hard for a naturally sensitive man to deal with those situations in a way he's comfortable with. I associate lack of sensitivity with unkindness, emotional dullness and lack of consideration towards other people. Being with someone like that would depress me. I'd sooner be with someone who could be a bit tricky and quick to take offence now and again than with a cold fish who cared about nobody other than himself. Conflict between two sensitive individuals is manageable, but lack of emotion and empathy is something that just can't be changed.But often lack of sensitivity and lack of consideration often dont come with emotional dullness Most of the really selfish insensitive people Ive known were actually rather emotionally explosive
Waitress Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 But often lack of sensitivity and lack of consideration often dont come with emotional dullness Most of the really selfish insensitive people Ive known were actually rather emotionally explosive Yes, this has happened with me, too. Sometimes people who are very sensitive are selfish, cold and explosive. I don't think that's the type the OP was talking about though. I think he means someone who is sensitive to the other person?? The guy I'm dating now is sensitive and warm. And this is a first for me to really want to be with someone like that. I like it!
shadowplay Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 This is a question solely for the ladies. I'm curious about something. Do you ladies really want a sensitive man, someone who can read your moods and accommodate? If so, you realize that external sensitivity will most often equate to internal sensitivity. So, what do you ladies want? I know what I like but will throw in my two bits later. I want the rare guy who is both emotionally supportive and at least somewhat sensitive to my moods, BUT internally a healthy balance of strong and vulnerable. Or that is to say somebody who has enough vulnerability to be emotionally available but not so much that he comes off as weak.
shadowplay Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 If you're talking about sensitivity as in experiencing rarified subtle emotions and being able to incorporate them into a relationship, then yes, I can appreciate that. If you're talking about sensitivity as in emotional immaturity, taking offense at the slightest insult, overanalyzing my every mood, then no. As always, the happy medium seems to be the answer. I can appreciate a degree of stoicism as long as they're a good person. I agree entirely.
shadowplay Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 As Isolde and Blind Otter pointed out there is a difference between a man who is sensitive in his ability to understand and relate to subtle emotions, and a man who is very insecure and "weak" for lack of a better word. Many women look for the former but recoil from the latter. Having the former ability is an important component of emotional availability in my opinion.
shadowplay Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 So when is it ok for a man to cry? Here's my scenarios for when I see a dude cry and I'm not like "MAN UP": - Funerals - When your team loses in the Superbowl/World Series game 7 - The end of the movie "Home Alone" I have seen some dudes cry when they got dumped by my friends. It's painful to watch and totally not a reasonable reaction. I'm not turned off by a guy who cries on occasion. I think it's abnormal to be in a relationship with a guy long-term (over a year) and NEVER see him shed a tear. Everybody cries once in awhile. It's healthy. And a strong man who allows himself to cry in your presence really trusts you. Now a man who constantly cries, that would be a turn off. My ex bf was a pretty emotionally unavailable guy. I saw him cry twice in the course of our relationship, and both times it was incredibly touching given how closed off he usually was.
Taramere Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 But often lack of sensitivity and lack of consideration often dont come with emotional dullness Most of the really selfish insensitive people Ive known were actually rather emotionally explosive When you see someone fly into a fit of rage or burst into tears at the slightest provocation, do you get a sense of them being intelligent? When I talk of emotional dullness, I mean dullness as in lack of emotional intelligence. Poor at reading and understanding other people's emotions, poor at managing and channeling emotions positively. Emotionally dysfunctional or delayed in the way that some people are academically delayed. Stuck at a certain stage in their development. Part of managing your emotions involves the ability to place yourself in other people's shoes. Empathising with them. So if someone pisses you off, you look at things from their perspective and decide "okay - I can see what happened there, and understand why they're behaving as they are..." and almost straight away you start to calm down. People who lack empathy have a real problem putting themselves in anyone else's shoes. They're focused purely on how they personally feel, and other people are merely positive or negative stimuli who exist to support them or antagonise them. Those people's feelings are irrelevant to the low-empathy individual. So anger or a sense of injustice builds up without the restraining effect of the other person's perspective and feelings being considered. There are very annoying aspects to sensitive men who become self loathing about/ashamed of their sensitivity. Who take that "no more nice guy" approach (in which they're generally doomed to the failure and confusion involved in not being true to oneself). On the other hand, at least there's a human aspect that one can have some level of optimism about. Unless their sensitivity is the self absorbed kind, uncoupled with that brand of sensitivity towards others which sometimes results in good people being exploited by the unscrupulous. In which case, I would say that you're talking about men who are already far down the scale. Men who were using "niceness" purely as a ploy to get what they wanted from other people rather than because they were genuinely kind people. On my scale, and in my mind, anyone from 4 to 7 would be well balanced and functional. Assuming the question involves a straight choice between an A-type, emotionally insensitive action man, and a more laid back man who I understand and who understands me, my romantic preference would be for the latter.
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