drummerprince81 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I'm struggling with the NC business except I'm in kind of a limbo state for this week. Its been almost 2 weeks, and we are both doing it although I'm dying to tell her how begrudged I am that it hasn't been a clean break, and that her NC is very harsh. I still feel like I'm hanging. But I'm also dying to tell her that even though I'm upset I agree we should be apart; I've done my best. I'm getting angry now, maybe thats a good thing... I'm in limbo because her birthday is approaching and I guess I can't shift it from my mind. I'm giving a card to her whether it is the right thing to do or not. My question is, do I just send a card? I have so many unanswered questions, but I feel like by meeting her it just gives me the chance to be stronger, calm about the break and allows me to walk away with at least some sense of sanity. Anyone else been here before? In my heart it is the right thing to do but I've been strongly advised to do it, and strongly advised not to do it. I'm so confused.
BCCA Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Dude, I had my ex of 6 years birthday in January, and it was hard as hell to do, but I didnt say a word. No card, nothing. Cards and well wishes are things you get from friends, family, and signifigant others. Right now, youre none of those things. I cant give you any more advice other than to let it go by like any other day, and dont give her a damn thing. Meeting her gives you the chance to feel like s***, but youre probably making a common mistake of believing that this interaction is going to put you in a better position for reconciliation. Its not. Youre giving her what she wants, to have a 'friend' and see that you dont hate her, while giving you absolutely nothing. Youre in limbo only because youre holding on. Youre not together, there is nothing to hold onto anymore. Dont do this to yourself, meeting her and giving her that card is asking for a heartbreak.
Beautiful Inside Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 BCCA is so right its sad and i know wut u mean about you cant take your mind off of knowing her bday is coming up and you wont have any part in that knowing and accepting that hurts and sux i know....i feel for you....even though you say you know yourself you should be apart it still hurts it still is soooo painful....i dont think you should give her anything unless you guys were still kinda working things out then ok but if your 100 percent done finished FINUTO lol then bitch gets NOTHING! lol no but in all seriousness thats my opinion.
Author drummerprince81 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys. I am finding it hard to accept that its over because we only went through a rough patch of a few weeks and kaboom (a rough patch - we just got into a rut and she is young and got confused but obviously that doesn't change anything at the moment). But I'm starting to accept it and it makes me sick in the stomach. But its a special birthday and its too close to the break, so I am sending the card - contrary to your good advice. She knows the type of person I am, and it only solidifies me as a nice person - her first love. The only thing that can bring me down is whether to meet her beforehand. She might refuse to meet me anyway but I just feel like I need to see her one more time just to get it out of my system because like I said, it still feels like I'm hanging. At the end of the day, she knows I'll be thinking about her birthday and by initiating contact it is only because it is related to that. I'm not even going to try to win her back - after this I'll be doing NC forever. Its tough, I just want her birthday to pass.
Author drummerprince81 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 And one more thing... I can't stop blaming myself, going over and over what really went wrong and after reconciling briefly, what went wrong after that. I mean, I've even started beating myself up over stupid things I said in the heat of the moment last time we met when I was obviously acting desperately to make her see sense. I hope I didn't blow it that night, because I've hardly heard from her since. One of the last things she said to me was "I bet your mum hates me" and I said "no, she doesn't" but then I did admitted she was angry because I was hurt. I bet she was upset about that and I feel so ****** stupid for saying it now. I think its trivial, but in my head it has suddenly turned into a possible pivotal moment. Am I just being silly now?
kizik Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 My ex's B-day is in a week. I'm not going to contact at all.
chrissreef Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 don't beat yourself up, it takes 2 to tango. i've apologized for a ton of things, she hasn't for a single thing... but looking back, a lot was her fault too for not communicating. let it go if you can =)
Author drummerprince81 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Yep, certainly takes 2 to Tango. I honestly thought she'd be missing me by now. Its not that I'm being delussional, I guess I thought she was loved me more than she said. The grass is always greener eh? Why is it such a bad thing to send a card?
BCCA Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Yep, certainly takes 2 to Tango. I honestly thought she'd be missing me by now. Its not that I'm being delussional, I guess I thought she was loved me more than she said. The grass is always greener eh? Why is it such a bad thing to send a card? Here is what the card signifies: 1. Even though she broke your heart, youre totally cool with her actions. You're obviously not. 2. You are still pinning for her. 3. You'll be waiting if/when she decides to give you another try. 4. Youre obviously not pursuing anyone else if youre still sending her a card. You may be a nice guy, but if you found a new gf, you wouldnt give a crap about sending her a card. 5. Youre telling her that she is so great that even after dumping you, you're still going to send a card. Ego boost for her, kick in the sack for you. Whats good about sending a card? She might say thanks, and appreciate it. You get absolutely nothing from that at all. What youre doing is justifying contacting her in a way that almost forces a response, because as you said - you thought she would be missing you, and she isnt. You were hoping that NC would force her hand, and she would have to break down and give you what you wanted, or at least comprimise. She didnt, in fact, shes almost calling your bluff. Contacting her at all is counter productive, and really - you just shouldnt. I've been in your shoes, I know how tempting it is, I do. But read through the forums - there is no threads of people being happy they broke NC. Its always the opposite. Youre feelings that it will make anything better will be immediately dashed, and youll feel much worse when you dont get the response you want (or even none at all). You're so much better off, on so many levels, with just letting it go. Shes not with you, and her birthday has nothing to do with you anymore. Youre not being an ass, youre looking out for yourself first which is what you should do. Ask yourself this, who do you love more - her or you? The answer should always be you, which makes it clear what you should do. Love yourself, let go, and you'll be happy you did.
Author drummerprince81 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 BCCA - your advice is so reasonable and thank you. I don't think I could sit down and think about all the possible effects sending a card brings. It is what you said about forcing a reply that is bothering me the most. For all she knows, I haven't been pining for her (even though I have)...but yeah, its the reply I don't really want. Listen - I'll be thinking about your advice long and hard over the weekend and if I send it, I'll give you my address so you can personally kick my ass. Have a nice weekend mate.
BCCA Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 BCCA - your advice is so reasonable and thank you. I don't think I could sit down and think about all the possible effects sending a card brings. It is what you said about forcing a reply that is bothering me the most. For all she knows, I haven't been pining for her (even though I have)...but yeah, its the reply I don't really want. Listen - I'll be thinking about your advice long and hard over the weekend and if I send it, I'll give you my address so you can personally kick my ass. Have a nice weekend mate. Look back through my posts, I would be an absolute hypocrite if I said that you should no better and Ive never done anything stupid. We all have, and everyone time you kick a kick in the ass for doing so it hammers home the idea that you should NOT do that next time. I can remember wanting to try all these new ways to get my ex to respond, and people on hear telling me not to. Thankfully, for the most part, the advice I got here led me to make some smarter decisions. I always think about it this way, she hasnt sent me so much as a 'hope youre ok' in over 4 months, why should I be the one handing out olive branches? It wasnt my decision to break up, and I didnt break her heart. While you want people to be happy, when its at my expense - I'm not going to pat you on the back and tell you 'good work'. She doesnt know youre pinning for her, but if she got a card she would. And the fact that you are makes it an even better idea to not send the card. Give it 6 months, and if after that you feel like saying hello, go ahead. Chances are though, you wont.
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