newscs Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I am married w/ 2 boys. After my husband trying to pimp me out to the "swinging" community I decided i had enough. In the meantime a co-worker was going through a break up. We began with emotional bond as I tried to comfort him through this tough time for him. After he got over it a few months later he started to flirt with me. At a Xmas party he kissed me and with my current situation in my marriage I did not fight it. About a month after that we had sex. Prior to this we talked and he said he only wanted sex. Stupid me thought I could have "guy sex" and be ok with it. I figured he would give me some attention and affection I was not getting from my husband so I agreed. The problem is while we are intimate its great. Then when he drops me off he doesnt even say good-bye. But then back at work its no phone call for 1-2 weeks. Pretty much ignoring me. I kept saying to myself that this isnt what I expected and I wont do it again but I have 2 more times. It makes me feel ugly and rejected. I dont blame him because he was honest with what he wanted but I hate feeling the way I do. Then when I run into him at work I dont know how to act. Its very awkward. I am sad too that the closeness we had as friends is gone. I am a BIG idiot! I dont know why I thought I could have "guy sex" and not get emotionally attached. It doesnt work for me. Now, last weekend I went out with a female co-worker and we had way to many drinks and I spilled the beans on my affiar. She is also friends with the OM. Now im in a panic because I've betrayed his trust to not tell anyone and I am afraid she will tell him that she knows. I really regret this whole thing. I want it to go away!
Owl Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 OK...you want it to "go away". This is simple...not easy...but simple. Tell your H about the whole thing. Leave out nothing. Stop hiding the truth about it from him. Write an "NC letter" to OM...tell him it was a mistake, you're going to work on your marriage, and you're done. Enforce NC...take active measures to prevent either of you from resuming contact with the other. Use MC and other tools to work out what's lacking in your marriage, and how to fix it. See...simple steps. Not easy...but simple, and effective. So...what's your plan from here?
wildsoul Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I am married w/ 2 boys. After my husband trying to pimp me out to the "swinging" community I decided i had enough. ... Stupid me thought I could have "guy sex" and be ok with it... I kept saying to myself that this isnt what I expected and I wont do it again but I have 2 more times. It makes me feel ugly and rejected. Ouch. That's a painful awareness, but one that you can use to make yourself better (or worse, if you continue the A.) You touched on something I hear from other women all the time: They somehow lie to themselves that they can have meaningless sex, or somehow separate their head/heart. Sure, some women can do that, but it seems to me that most of us CAN'T. All that oxytocin or whatever. It's a blindspot that can lead to incredibly painful feelings of attachment towards what one knows is a bad choice. The thing that is most jumping out at me though is that you were feeling bad about yourself and marriage because your husband wanted to "pimp you out." Then you effectively did the same to yourself. There's probably some depth work you need to do. Not just to extricate yourself from the addictive parts of the affair, but to undo some damage from the sexual wounding you experienced in your marriage & history. If you look at this positively, you can really use this time to heal yourself! BTW, a free resource that's helped me and is a safe non-judgemental place to talk about "taboo" topics is a 12-step group called Sex and Love Addicts Annonymous (SLAA.) Peace be with you.
JLee26 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Well, i suppose as a thought it may be best for you to tell him, that while it was great at first you really just don't see the need to continue this anymore. It will help you to be in the decision making role. When we as women step up to the plate and make the decisions it helps us to recapture the "rejected" feeling we may be having. As for your friend that you spilled to, i hope she was a close one and one you will never need to compete for a job against. I would perhaps give her a "we will never talk about this" kind of chat next time you grab a cup of COFFEE together (lol) hope all works out, but your not an idiot, you simply chose to think with your brain not your p#nis, can't be shamed for that!!!
skywriter Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 newscs, I don't think you're an idiot. You like many of us, made a mistake, got into something that you couldn't handle. If you don't think revealing this mistake to your H is an option. Do you believe that you can handle , living with this secret and remaining married? It will be difficult , very difficult to continuing seeing the OM at work and going NC. NC is the way to get over the emotional feelings that you are experiencing. The OM was honest about just wanting a "booty call" and that's all fine and good. You have the option to opt out and given that, I'd say, "bye, bye". I am sorry that you are going through this painful lesson, if you're anything like me, you won't have to learn it twice. Take care...
Author newscs Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Owl, thanks for the tips..what is NC and MC? I cant "work" on my marriage. My marriage is more destructive than my OM. My husband choose his swingers lifestyle over our family. I'm done with that scene. I just need to get out and start repairing the damage done.
Author newscs Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Ouch. That's a painful awareness, but one that you can use to make yourself better (or worse, if you continue the A.) You touched on something I hear from other women all the time: They somehow lie to themselves that they can have meaningless sex, or somehow separate their head/heart. Sure, some women can do that, but it seems to me that most of us CAN'T. All that oxytocin or whatever. It's a blindspot that can lead to incredibly painful feelings of attachment towards what one knows is a bad choice. The thing that is most jumping out at me though is that you were feeling bad about yourself and marriage because your husband wanted to "pimp you out." Then you effectively did the same to yourself. There's probably some depth work you need to do. Not just to extricate yourself from the addictive parts of the affair, but to undo some damage from the sexual wounding you experienced in your marriage & history. If you look at this positively, you can really use this time to heal yourself! BTW, a free resource that's helped me and is a safe non-judgemental place to talk about "taboo" topics is a 12-step group called Sex and Love Addicts Annonymous (SLAA.) Peace be with you. Wildsoul, thanks so much for your input. That is really valuable. you said "The thing that is most jumping out at me though is that you were feeling bad about yourself and marriage because your husband wanted to "pimp you out." Then you effectively did the same to yourself." OMG that is so true. I recognized that i think but I continued because I felt like "ok if this is the kind of wife he wants this is the kind of wife he'll get" I wanted to get back at my husband for hurting me so bad and in the end I only hurt myself. I was pretty proud of myself today. I saw the OM at a meeting and he kept texting me and i deleted them w/o reply. I know he is wondering what is up. I think there is a lot of truth to what you said about depth work. I called to get some counseling today. I know I need it. I also plan on looking into the SLAA. Thanks so much. I really didnt expect this type of support . I expected to be bashed by others for my mistake. This is a nice surprise. Thank you.
Author newscs Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Well, i suppose as a thought it may be best for you to tell him, that while it was great at first you really just don't see the need to continue this anymore. It will help you to be in the decision making role. When we as women step up to the plate and make the decisions it helps us to recapture the "rejected" feeling we may be having. As for your friend that you spilled to, i hope she was a close one and one you will never need to compete for a job against. I would perhaps give her a "we will never talk about this" kind of chat next time you grab a cup of COFFEE together (lol) hope all works out, but your not an idiot, you simply chose to think with your brain not your p#nis, can't be shamed for that!!! JLee, thats exactly what I plan on doing. I cant do "guy sex". Doesnt work for me. Its over.
Author newscs Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 skywriter, yes painful lesson it is. You know, up until my husbands issues with the swinging scene I would have never even come close to considering an affair---NEVER! We have been married almost 10 years and up until last December it was not something I would have ever considered.
tami-chan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Hello newscs! Talk to the guy and tell him you regret the whole thing and that you do not ever want him to approach you again. Make it brief. If he asked why, tell him,the reason is obvious and you do not need to discuss it. Discussing it will just will prolong the drama. As for your friend, tell her the truth and how much you regret it and then never talk about it anymore-even if she asks! Btw, what do you mean your husband "pimped" you to the swinging community? Does your husband have sexual relations with other people you do not know? or does he let you know when he engages in these activities? I am sorry for asking a lot of questions, I am not familiar about the "swinging lifestyle". You seem really unhappy in your marriage, what is it about your situation that is making you stay?
Author newscs Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Swingers are couples who willingly swap partners either in seperate rooms or together in the same room or engage in a multitude of sexual activity. This was presented to me as an ultimatum last year. Since we were having so many issues with our teen I could not bring myself to leave my husband for fear it would make the teen issues worse and I really did not want him to walk out on me either in a time when I needed his support so I agreed. Each time we engaged in such activity I struggled for week with what we did and continue to do so. It ate me up inside, but I noticed now my husband was happier. Now that he had his cake and eating it too now he was ok and did not want to leave. So, on a particular internet site he often would market me to attract other men/couples to swing with. It made me feel rejected by him so much. I could not understand if this man loved me so much how could he be ok with watching his wife screw other men? So why do I stay? or did I stay (he moved out yesterday)? because of the kids, fear of starting over, hope that he would snap of it, because in other ways he is a good dad and husband. But I finally realized that he is sick and is dragging me into his sickness with him. I cant to it anymore. My husband doesnt understand why I feel the way I do. He says "but you enjoyed it". Which during the actual act yes, it is physically enjoyable but its the after effect that I didnt enjoy. I am so hurt that he put this thing before our family. Now we are all suffering. But, I cant get him to see that.
signedin2008 Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 So, you actually go through with it, the swinging? Aren't you afraid of cathing all type of diseases with these people who slept with probably hundreds of others? Protection can only protect against certain ones. I can't imagine any man who truly loves his wife be willing and open to let another man have his ways with his wife.
Owl Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Given what you've described, I can well understand why you'd want out of this marriage. If you're filing for divorce and ending the marriage...that just makes good sense to me. But...attempting to be with OM in the fashion you've described does not. It doesn't set the stage for a healthy family, which is what you've indicated as your top need at this point. Break it off with OM. File for divorce, and get seperated from your H...IMMEDIATELY. Focus on your family for now... I know...it sounds simple when you're not IN the situation...but if you break it up into manageable chunks...you can make immediate progress forward.
confusedinkansas Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Not that you are trying to save your marriage.........BUT......has your husband ever thought that MAYBE one of the men you "swing" with might very well fall in love with YOU or Visa Versa? (I know there are strict rules, but as always "rules are meant to be broken") Your marriage sounds like mine years ago. My husband "pimped" me out too. Trouble was, I took it the extra step, found a male friend to hang out with & next thing you know I fell head over heels in love. Hubby never thought that was possible. He thought HE was the end all, beat all, in men & husbands.....Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Just getting over the "pimping out" stuff will definitely mess your head up. Did mine. Try individual counseling - It helps!! Good Luck to you......I, like everyone else here - Hope your friend keeps very good secrets!
Author newscs Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Owl, something you said was key...small chunks. I think it will be easier to digest in small chunks.
Author newscs Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 confusedinkansas, actually that nearly happend. The first couple we met it was obvious the attraction was between the male end of that deal and myself and still is. To this day we still keep in contact. The other couple have actally been very supportive to me. Oddly enough I consider them to be good friends now. They both know I will not be continuing the lifestyle and they support my decision in that.
Author newscs Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 confusedinkansas, like my situation I can imagine your situation was difficult to deal with but I guess its nice to know that I am not alone. In fact, I think there are probably more women out there that are dealing with this but cant discuss it. It s sad because it makes you feel so lost. I think what hurts most is that he (H) still doesnt think there is anything wrong with that even after he sees what it has done to our family. I just dont get it.
Author newscs Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 signedin2008 you said "I can't imagine any man who truly loves his wife be willing and open to let another man have his ways with his wife". Not only was he willing, he got off on it. That is why I felt so rejected and he wondered why I felt that way.
wildsoul Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 confusedinkansas, like my situation I can imagine your situation was difficult to deal with but I guess its nice to know that I am not alone. In fact, I think there are probably more women out there that are dealing with this but cant discuss it. It s sad because it makes you feel so lost. I think what hurts most is that he (H) still doesnt think there is anything wrong with that even after he sees what it has done to our family. I just dont get it. Here on the left coast, polyamory is a very common lifestyle choice. So is swinging and it's permutations (polyandry.) I'm liberal in the sense that I really don't see anything inherently wrong with it. However... It's sort of like being straight or gay, in that you need to know where you're at on the poly spectrum. But the thing is that not everyone knows for sure. Some have to try it. Some like your husband might take it up later in life. Others like you, may try it and then back the hell away from it. There's nothing wrong with consensual experimentation between adults. (I tried dating a poly guy years ago. So NOT for me! Yet I have friends who are poly and it works great for them.) And you're right. Not many understand that whole swinging scene. But if you want support in bashing your hubby and calling him sick, I won't join you in that. Not anymore than I would consider bashing you for being here. You've got to own your choices though...even the bad ones. It's difficult, but if you can find room to forgive your husband for being poly, forgive yourself for trying to get even with an affair, and then just MOVE ON and get a divorce, you're going to heal much faster.
Author newscs Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Wildsoul, I apprciate your insight. My Husband had this lifestyle before we married and never told me. Then 10 years later he springs this on me and I just have to swallow it. That, to me, is unfair. had he been honest I may or may not have made a decision to marry him but at least i would have been informed. I dont bash people who are swingers Im sorry if it came off that way. In fact, one of the swing couples we used to hang out with I have remained friends with and they have been supportive. I just know it is not for me. I am just angry that I was blind sided with this and its destroyed our family and that he put this before his family. That is what hurts the most. Then to top it off the feelings of rejection from my husband along with the OM springs me into this destructive behavior that now I have a hard time controlling. But, thank you again. Yes, divorce is inevitable.
65tr6 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 . I am just angry that I was blind sided with this and its destroyed our family and that he put this before his family. That is what hurts the most. Then to top it off the feelings of rejection from my husband along with the OM springs me into this destructive behavior that now I have a hard time controlling. But, thank you again. Yes, divorce is inevitable. newscs, I see anger, resentment, rationalization, rewriting history on your part to justify your relationship with OM. He may have pushed you to have an affair but it was your choice. You said you have two boys.... For a second please put them and your husband in front and forget about the OM. Like owl said, tell your husband about everything. Your affair with OM, how disgusted you felt about what he made you do. Tell him you want to divorce him. But alteast for the sake of kids, bring the truth and honesty out before you sneek out. Your husband has the right to know.
tami-chan Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 You said you have two boys.... For a second please put them and your husband in front and forget about the OM. Like owl said, tell your husband about everything. Your affair with OM, how disgusted you felt about what he made you do. Tell him you want to divorce him. But alteast for the sake of kids, bring the truth and honesty out before you sneek out. Your husband has the right to know.... I understand putting the two boys "in front"..but the husband? ! why? this is a man who has disregarded his wife's feelings about being with other men, who "pimped her out" to other people---he "got off" at watching his wife with other men....I just don't understand why it would matter to him....because he is not invited to watch? hmm....I do not think the man deserves a decent goodbye....The kids deserve a father who treats their mother better than that. He just needs to be dumped, period, no explanation-or it should be self-explanatory (to him).
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