4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 So my bf of three months is going to go to a birthday party for one of his friends. When we first started dating he said he wasnt going because his ex, who broke up with him last year was going to be there with her new bf. He was pretty pissed the break up (5 year relationship) and didnt want anything to do with her. As time has gone by he said that he is so happy to have found me and have such a sane, peaceful relationship that he doesnt really care whether he sees her. So he decided he is going to the party....however, he didnt invite me to come along with him. I guess this party is something that happens every year and is a weekend long thing, where all the friends come from all over the country and spend two days at the guys house. It sounds kind of like an intimate thing so at first I didnt push for him to bring me along since i havent met many of these people (he kinda became a bit distant from them since the break up). However, as the day gets near im not sure Im too comfortable with him spending a whole weekend with her. I know i have nothing to worry about but Im just afraid he'll feel a bit....weird seeing her with a bf and him being alone. Ive been wavering between letting him deal with this on his own, and asking him to bring me along What do you think would be appropiate? Should I mention that I want to come with him? At first I had plans to go out of the city for the weekend, so it might be why he hasnt ask me to join him. That or he might feel like it would be awkward for me to be there.... Im not sure how to proceed...what would you guys do?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 ..and...so how should I ask him if it comes down to it? without being pushy? or clingy or coming off as jealous???
2sure Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 If she is bringing her new BF, I wouldnt worry about it all. If that doesnt bother him - he is truly over her and into you. But how can you know she is bringing her new BF? And since apparently others are bringing their SO...why not you? I would just ask as in: I'm not saying I need to go, but I am curious as to why you dont want me to? Its a perfectly fair and not hostile question.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 If she is bringing her new BF, I wouldnt worry about it all. If that doesnt bother him - he is truly over her and into you. But how can you know she is bringing her new BF? And since apparently others are bringing their SO...why not you? I would just ask as in: I'm not saying I need to go, but I am curious as to why you dont want me to? Its a perfectly fair and not hostile question. Well, we are both assuming she will because apparently she has in the past. Thats why at first he didnt want to go but I guess he is finally in a place where he is ok with her being gone and dating the guy she cheated on him with (i got major hostility towards her...dumbass girl...worked in my favor...but still...dumbass girl) In any case, Im not sure he doesnt want me to go...he hasnt said either way....he just hasnt invite me to, so i dont know if its because he thinks i may not want to, i may not be available or...what.... I was thinking about saying "i kinda wish I could come with you"....but i dont want to be too pushy about it... Im not sure.....aaargh its irritating me!!
Kamille Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I would just ask as in: I'm not saying I need to go, but I am curious as to why you dont want me to? Love 2sure's answer, except I would rephrase to : i'm not sating I need to go, but I am curious as to why you haven't invited me. After all, apart from the fact he hasn't invited her, we have no idea whether or not he consciously doesn't want her to go. But the general rule is, if something is on your mind, bring it up. Listen to his answer. If it makes sense to you, problem over. edit: sorry - just saw your answer 4, which reiterates what I was pointing out.
Kamille Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I wonder... Do you want to go? Or would you just like to have been invited?
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I'm in a new relationship just like you are - 2 months. Funny enough, he also had a 5-year relationship end because she started dating another guy behind his back. I can't imagine him at least mentioning he wishes I could go with him (because you mentioned that you had something else going on that would have prevented you going). Did he not say anything like that at all? Even hint at it? But anyway - even if he hadn't, if my previous plans fell through, I'd just mention that to him. Then I'd just talk to him. I'd say I know he hasn't invited me, but I'd be interested in going if he'd want me along. But then I'd have to be willing to not tie up feelings in whatever the outcome was (having only dated a few months, it would be kind of presumptuous to assume I'd be invited). It would be nice if he could give you a reason for NOT inviting you, though - if that turned out to be the outcome.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 I want to go....mostly because even though he says he doesnt care, i have a feeling its gonna burn nonetheless...i mean, being realistic here, he was with this chick for 5 years and I know deep down it still hurts what she did. I just kinda want to be there for him, sorta moral support. I realize a lot of my role in this relationship, though i feel he really likes me despite being burn, is to help him heal from what she put him thru (the cheating was one of the many offenses..). Im ok with that and i totally understand where he is at, since ive been there mysef one too many times and wished I had someone to stand by me when I had to face my past. He knows im not going anymore, and he actually invited me to go out with the group on friday night to a bar which she isnt going to be at...but the main thing, saturday, im still not invited to go to. Im not sure if its because he feels its just gonna be close friends, or if its because she is going to be there...I dont know.... I think i should at least mention that i want to go...but again im not really sure how. I guess Kamille's approach sounds good....so it doesnt sound like he has to invite me out of guilt and if its because he doesnt think i want to go he'll get the hint i do..... right??? Any more suggestions?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 hmmm actually, saying it in my head....the whole "I dont need to go but why havent you invited me to this party" sounds a bit pressumptious...like he SHOULD be inviting me to everything he is invited to.... no? should I assume that being his girlfriend (we had the whole exclusive talk a month after we started dating) it automatically means i should be invited to parties he goes to, specially if his ex is going to be there??? Kinda confused about the rules there
Kamille Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 If it sounds presumptuous in your head, then don't approach it that way. So the main reason you want to go is to offer moral support. That's generous of you as it is what you would have wanted had the situation been reversed. But maybe he feels this is something he needs to face alone. But since you feel you could offer moral support, why don't you approach it that way? "Honey, I would gladly go to that party on Saturday if you want me to be there". Personally, if you trust him, I don't see how being invited/not being invited is a big deal. You're meeting his friends on Friday and I'm guessing that the invite to the Saturday thing will issue from there.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 But since you feel you could offer moral support, why don't you approach it that way? "Honey, I would gladly go to that party on Saturday if you want me to be there". ohh i like this.... You're meeting his friends on Friday and I'm guessing that the invite to the Saturday thing will issue from there. Im actually not going this friday because one of my best friend's bday is on friday as well. Actually he said that he might just go with me to my friends party instead of hanging out with his friends.... But back to the "ill be there if you want me to be"....i like it...i like the sound of it, it really kinda says why i want to go. I dont want him to think i dont trust him, I want him to know im there for him if he needs me. My only worry is that he might see it a bit patronizing...but....i think so far thats the best idea
Star Gazer Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 hmmm actually, saying it in my head....the whole "I dont need to go but why havent you invited me to this party" sounds a bit pressumptious...like he SHOULD be inviting me to everything he is invited to.... no? should I assume that being his girlfriend (we had the whole exclusive talk a month after we started dating) it automatically means i should be invited to parties he goes to, specially if his ex is going to be there??? Kinda confused about the rules there I don't think it's presumptuous under these circumstances. I think that, as his GF, it's fair game to assume that he would naturally include you in these sorts of events - regardless of whether an ex is involved (but the ex's involvement makes it that much more justifiable to expect an invitation, IMO). If it was a guys' weekend, it would be very different. But if it's friends and their SO's, then you should definitely be there. IMO, charitable events and work parties where SO's are present, large birthday parties/get togethers, weddings... should all include an invite to one's SO.
Star Gazer Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 ohh i like this.... Im actually not going this friday because one of my best friend's bday is on friday as well. Actually he said that he might just go with me to my friends party instead of hanging out with his friends.... But back to the "ill be there if you want me to be"....i like it...i like the sound of it, it really kinda says why i want to go. I dont want him to think i dont trust him, I want him to know im there for him if he needs me. My only worry is that he might see it a bit patronizing...but....i think so far thats the best idea I don't know, I think that's kinda a wimpy way to approach it. You should want to go, you should want to be invited, he should want to invite you...regardless of his ex's attendance. Don't you think?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 I don't think it's presumptuous under these circumstances. I think that, as his GF, it's fair game to assume that he would naturally include you in these sorts of events - regardless of whether an ex is involved (but the ex's involvement makes it that much more justifiable to expect an invitation, IMO). If it was a guys' weekend, it would be very different. But if it's friends and their SO's, then you should definitely be there. IMO, charitable events and work parties where SO's are present, large birthday parties/get togethers, weddings... should all include an invite to one's SO. You know, i wouldnt be so hesitant if it was a regular, one night party thing...but its more like an extended, overnight thing at one of the guy's parents house. As i said i dont know anyone in the group. WEll except for one of his friends, but other than that, i dont know anyone. I kinda see why he would be hesitant to invite me to this kind of thing even if his ex wasnt there....but...at the same time....i think in his shoes i would ask my friend if it was ok to bring him along and then following that, invite him or make it clear that its a very close knit kinda thing...you know? I dont know......nervous nervous....I dont want to sound like a clingy "why am i not invited! i demand to be invited!" kinda girl.... eeehhhhh
manugeorge Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Be honest, at least with us....it's ok, we won't judge;). Do you really want to go to provide moral support to him or do you want to go because you're afraid of something?....maybe he'll fall into his ex's arms or feelings for his ex will return upon seeing her or maybe you just want to check out the ex, see what the "competition" is like? Because if it is just to provide moral support then you won't be so nervous or itchy to go. He's a big boy, if he needed the support, he would have just asked you to come, wouldn't he? I say just drop the whole thing, it's one weekend. If he goes running back to the ex, then he did you a favor. Plan your own getaway so you're not sitting at home biting your nails.
Star Gazer Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 You know, i wouldnt be so hesitant if it was a regular, one night party thing...but its more like an extended, overnight thing at one of the guy's parents house. That convinces me even more than you should be there. I bet everyone else's GF will be. Do you know if I'm right?
Kamille Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I dont know......nervous nervous....I dont want to sound like a clingy "why am i not invited! i demand to be invited!" kinda girl.... eeehhhhh Ever heard the saying "relationships are built on compromises"? Well in order for compromises to happen, partners have to be upfront about their needs. I'm wondering if the real reason you want to be there is to offer support, or if deep down, your issue with not being invited is that the set up makes you feel insecure. The thing is, it would be pretty normal that this kind of set up makes you feel insecure - even if you know nothing is going to happen between your bf and his ex. All in all, I think no matter what's going on here, you seem, like me, to have issues with bringing up concerns in relationships. The situation as you have described it is one that should be fairly easy to discuss, especially if you feel your relationship is solid. Yet here you are trying to figure out how not to sound clingy about something just because it bothers you. Basically what I'm trying to say is this; The situation bothers you. Try and pinpoint why and be honest with yourself. Approach him about it with an open mind. Like I've said: if you're premise is that you want to offer support, then you should be fine with his answer if he says he might not need or want support. If, however, the reason you would like to be invited is because it makes you feel like your relationship comes plays second fiddle to his relationship with his ex, then you should also be able to bring this up with him and he should be willing and able to reassure you.
Zorie Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 You can phrase it in a "harmless" way like: " Hey honey, you know the weekend of your friends party? well I'm going to be in town afterall if you'd like me to join you? Then you can see what his reaction is. But im hoping that you want to go because you want to spend the time with him rather than watching over him all weekend because it could potentially create issues over what could be a really fun time for you guys. Good Luck!
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Oh so many great points.... Alright, Ill come clean... Yes I want to be there for moral support.... BUT I also want to be there for many other reasons. 1. I HATE this girl. She fooled us all! I knew her when they were dating, we all thought she was this sweet nice girl. After he told me about the things she would do, good lord i couldnt belive it. I hate what she did to him and most importantly, that she behaved like he was never going to find anyone after she dumped him. She treated him like he was such a ginourmous loser that she was doing him a favor for dating him, plus she was getting perks because he had some money. Unfortunately he lost the money (or rather his parents did) and so she dumped him literally the week he lost his nice apartment. THEREFORE. I want to be there with him, be loving towards him, and show her what a loser SHE is.... (I guess this is just my own ego rearing its ugly head) 2. Another reason, i want him to see, face to face how different she and I are..... Sometimes i feel like he thinks ultimately im going to turn out like her.....I want him to see the stark contrast between us. 3. Last weekend he found an old note she gave him. His heart broke all over again, though he just said that it just reminded him how much time he lost there. He found composure after a while, but even so, I felt being there with him helped (yes i did held him for a little bit while he regained his footing). IF that happens with a note, whats going to happen when he sees her. In any case, I would rather him to deal with it by knowing im there with him rather than getting drunk or something else. Im acutely aware, despite him swearing he is over her, that, though for the most part he is, he is still hurting over how it all went down, and realizing that the girl he thought he wanted to marry turned out to be nothing more than a golddigger. Regarding having difficulty expressing my needs...you have no idea. Trust me ive come a long way. The fact that im even thinking about asking him about this is an accomplishment...Trust me this time last year I would not even think about it. I would just be sad and feel rejected. Star, I dont know if everyone's SO are going to be there... But the more I think about it, the more I feel like i need to let it be known i want to be there. Deep down I kinda feel i should be a bit pissed off he hasnt even brought it up...common sense right? Ex will be there...uhhh girlfriend MUST be there....no? Im all kinds of confused
Kamille Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I don't think you need to get angry before you bring it up. That would be unfair to your relationship. But do bring it up, calmly. And say what's on your mind - and hear him out. It'll work out. Just talk about it. I don't think there's any reason to show up there with a precise script and a planned outcome. The goal is for the two of you to hear each other out so that you feel better about the situation.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Alright so here is what im gonna say tonight. (Party is Saturday) So! I have a question for you. Well, you know how you have your friends bday thing this saturday? I was wondering, would you like me to come with you? I know your ex is going to be there, possibly with her bf, and I was thinking it might make it easier on you to deal with it if Im there? or So, i was wondering, you usually invite me to pretty much everything you are invited to. I noticed you didnt invite me to your friends bday party. Is there a particular reason why? What do you guys think?? can you tell im biting my nails over this???
LoveLace Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I don't think I could let that one go...weather the ex is involved or not, anytime it's a "couples" situation, I would expect to be invited...since the ex IS involved, naturally I would suspect that she has something to do with this...if he was eager to show her he's moved on, I'd think he'd invite his new girlfriend that he claims to be so "at peace" with. Something is fishy about this to me. Why not say, "I know it's going to be all couples so I'm wondering why you haven't really asked me to go?" Even if she's there with a BF, the fact that he doesn't appear eager to take you, would make me wonder if he wants to appear "available" to her...don't want to make you worry because I could be way off, but that's exactly what I'd be thinking if I were you. It makes no sense if he knows you are available and is not including you....not knowing his friends is a dumb excuse, he should be willing to introduce you to them if he's serious about you, and serious about being over her.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 I don't think I could let that one go...weather the ex is involved or not, anytime it's a "couples" situation, I would expect to be invited...since the ex IS involved, naturally I would suspect that she has something to do with this...if he was eager to show her he's moved on, I'd think he'd invite his new girlfriend that he claims to be so "at peace" with. Something is fishy about this to me. Why not say, "I know it's going to be all couples so I'm wondering why you haven't really asked me to go?" Even if she's there with a BF, the fact that he doesn't appear eager to take you, would make me wonder if he wants to appear "available" to her...don't want to make you worry because I could be way off, but that's exactly what I'd be thinking if I were you. It makes no sense if he knows you are available and is not including you....not knowing his friends is a dumb excuse, he should be willing to introduce you to them if he's serious about you, and serious about being over her. Its not a couples thing at all...its all college friends. Friends that were introduced to him by his ex...bassically its a party of the people he used to hang out with when he was dating her. Im leaning more towards the idea that he may not want me there because he doesnt want me to see how upset he might be if she is there with her new bf... I dont think he wants to appear available to her...that would just reassure her that he is in fact the loser she thought she dumped...besides the fact that she cheated on him and still dating the guy. ANother reason might be because he doesnt think its appropiate given the type of thing it is...thats more like what it sounds like when he talks about it "close friends only" type of thing....
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 You know....i was thinking about it....and Im seriously making this a lot harder than it has to be. All i have to ask, knowing him, and how awesome he is, is "You know your party this saturday? Do you want me to come with you?" If he says no, Im sure he'll tell me why. IF he says sure...well there i got my answer... I make things much more complicated than they have to be.
Kamille Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 You know....i was thinking about it....and Im seriously making this a lot harder than it has to be. All i have to ask, knowing him, and how awesome he is, is "You know your party this saturday? Do you want me to come with you?" If he says no, Im sure he'll tell me why. IF he says sure...well there i got my answer... I make things much more complicated than they have to be. [Kamille stands up and applauds]
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