georgejungle Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I'm a sort of people pleaser, as much as I like to deny it. It's hard for me NOT to feel bad/guilty about doing simple things. I feel guilty about my actions at times. I'm a good person and do A LOT of good for wife, for my family, etc. But since my wife is a sort of anti-social type, i tend to give in to that behavior and cater to what she wants and will feel guilty about say, leaving her to go be with my family because she doesn't want to go.. escpecially now, driving for hours with our new baby. Background: Been married 4 years. Happy. We have a baby. We haven't really been out in months..Wife stays home, Takes care of Baby, I Work. It's been hectic but so much fun. We've been very hermit-like though, the past several months. My Question: My 16yr old Brother is having a birthday lunch thing this weekend. Wife, Baby and I have been invited. But we don't do the driving/car seat thing just yet, baby hates it, plus it's over an hour away and there might be bad traffic coming back, which would make it longer. So wife does NOT want to go. She'd be willing to, but it's just too hard. So...Would it be bad if I just went? I feel bad going without Wife and Baby, but I also feel bad about ME NOT going, since it's my little brother who has always looked up to me and because Me and Wife have turned down a lot of things lately because we don't want to drive far distances with baby. I'm feeling like i should go and would like to go for a few hours and then come back home, not stay all day. Yet, those guilt feelings come around. I'm unsure of how to handle it.
MostUseful Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Go. Your wife has to understand the importance of social events, especially with close family. Her being anti-social isn't an issue for you to be anti-social. Don't feel you've got to please her wants and demands, she's got to be able to please her own wants and demands some of the time. If you rely on staying away from events and doing everything she'd like you to do. You'll find yourself slipping away from the people you love, your family and friends. A wife is as important as family and friends. Both require equal time, energy and attention. If either one competes for more attention, they should be assertively put into an equal boundary.
Art_Critic Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 If it were me in your shoes.... I would go alone..and leave early.. But........... Get your baby in the car now...they have to be used to it or you both will go crazy being trapped to the house.. Your wife needs to get out.. she needs to get out with the baby and so do you.. We had our baby in the car by 3 weeks.. as much as a 3 hour drive..and eating in restaurants by 1 -2 months Sure it took some patients.. and when he was about 2-3 months old a DVD player strapped to the back of the head rest with an Einstein DVD that kept him quiet.. also.. rolling the back window down about an inch works wonders.. the white noise it creates comforts him. We also found traveling near or at dark worked better too...
Author georgejungle Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 I appreciate the advice. I've known i've been a 'pleasing' person, but it wasn't until this morning after posting that I really realized how many quirks i have and how many things I do due to the fear of not "being there" for someone. I'm afraid to make any wrong decision or afraid i'll let someone down. it's to the point of obsessive. I do A LOT for my Wife and for my Family, but more for Wife since i've been married. I just need to chill out. I'm going to: "assertively put everything into an equal boundary" thanks for that.
redfathom Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I have a big family which means lots of family events. Birthday's, BBQ's, Easter, etc. Hubby grew up as a Jehova Witness and doesn't get these things. So often I go alone. It was a big struggle at first, but now we agree to disagree.
kizik Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 You're a classic Nice Guy. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. CaliGuy from this site, LoveShack, recommended it to me. You will learn how to take your balls, and your life, back.
Author georgejungle Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 You will learn how to take your balls, and your life, back. ha! thanks for the kick in the arse
kizik Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 ha! thanks for the kick in the arse Yeah I hope you don't think I was saying anything negative about you. I just meant that No More Mr. Nice Guy, albeit its cheesy title, helps you identify behavioral patterns in yourself, and shows you the steps towards really living life for yourself. It's an eye-opening, empowering read, and I hope you check it out. Good luck! -k
Author georgejungle Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Yeah I hope you don't think I was saying anything negative about you. I just meant that No More Mr. Nice Guy, albeit its cheesy title, helps you identify behavioral patterns in yourself, and shows you the steps towards really living life for yourself. It's an eye-opening, empowering read, and I hope you check it out. Good luck! -k not at all, i knew what you meant. Thanks for the book suggestion. I'm going to seek it out this weekend. Thanks!
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