blair08 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 This is coming from a thread I started over in Marriage. I know alot of people, probably more so women that men, may say trust your gut instinct or intuition when you feel something is up. However,is there any one here who can say they had really strong gut instinct about something, only to find out later on, that strong gut instinct was wrong? I mean I would think its quite clear if someone has a strong gut instinct about something, that having one doesn't mean that what the gut instinct is strong about, is always true. In other words, I can feel my gut is strong about something, but just not always knowing clearly what it might be. Also, I would think most people would have to have some kind of proof at some point for why they feel the way they do.
runner Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I can feel my gut is strong about something, but just not always knowing clearly what it might be. i always step aside and give things a lot of thought when something seems off. my problems usually came about when i had ignored my instincts and arrogantly believed my plans to be full-proof - boy had i been wrong a number of times.
2sure Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 While I am HUGE on going with the gut... After my H's infidelity but instincts were beyond that and veered more to paranoia. In fact, looking back I did somethings that are now funny.
Author blair08 Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 i always step aside and give things a lot of thought when something seems off. my problems usually came about when i had ignored my instincts and arrogantly believed my plans to be full-proof - boy had i been wrong a number of times. Do you mean your problems came from the fact that you had ignored your gut instincts?
Trialbyfire Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 No, my gut instinct has never been wrong. It either starts with unease or kicks in strong. When this happens, you have to pinpoint why. Don't ever ignore it or try to rationalize it away. Been there, done that, bought the hair shirt, no thanks!
Author blair08 Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 No, my gut instinct has never been wrong. It either starts with unease or kicks in strong. When this happens, you have to pinpoint why. Don't ever ignore it or try to rationalize it away. Been there, done that, bought the hair shirt, no thanks! Well, that's kind of how I've been feeling lately myself. What were some things that were going on at the time that made your gut instinct become stronger?
Meaplus3 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 However,is there any one here who can say they had really strong gut instinct about something, only to find out later on, that strong gut instinct was wrong? Yes. Many times my gut instinct was wrong. However, other times it's was right. I think it really all depends on the hard core facts of the situation. The facts and proof support the truth. Mea:)
Trialbyfire Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Well, that's kind of how I've been feeling lately myself. What were some things that were going on at the time that made your gut instinct become stronger? It's not that my gut instinct became stronger. It's that my gut instinct for different situations, was either at low level or kicked me hard. Either way, stop, look and listen. There's a reason why your subconscious mind is telling you something. As long as you're not confusing judgement with gut instinct, or rationalizing away your gut instinct, you'll find it's always right.
JamesM Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 While your gut instinct may be right that something is wrong, it may not be as bad as you think. For instance, you are thinking full blown affair. he could "simply" be infatuated with someone and that has not been reciprocated. He may hope for more and he is preparing for it...such as changing password or turning off cell phone in case someone calls. Sometimes people fantasize more into a "relationship" than will ever happen. He may think the possibility is there that "she" (assumption) will want him at some point, so in his world he is preparing for the affair that may never happen. Or there is always the possibility that it is a guy. It could be that he is using porn again or did briefly and you scared him off of it. If he was using his computer and changed back the password, then this would explain this. Or yes, he could be in an affair. But if that is the case, some other clues would include (and others are free to add to the list), He is buying new cologne without your approval. He is taking more time to "fancy" himself up. He takes more showers. He seems a bit dazed as if in fantasy land. He works late (and it is out of the ordinary). And when he comes home, he avoids you. You smell a different perfume smell on him. And...
runner Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Do you mean your problems came from the fact that you had ignored your gut instincts? yes, exactly. now as for paranoia - sure that's always a possibility, which is why it's always a good idea to bounce things off with a trusted mate. bottling things has also got me in trouble before.
Not the love ace Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I'm a firm believer in following your gut instinct and your heart. If you truly feel something is wrong, don't ignore it. Always go through with it. Better to be safe than sorry.
Author blair08 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 While your gut instinct may be right that something is wrong, it may not be as bad as you think. For instance, you are thinking full blown affair. he could "simply" be infatuated with someone and that has not been reciprocated. He may hope for more and he is preparing for it...such as changing password or turning off cell phone in case someone calls. Sometimes people fantasize more into a "relationship" than will ever happen. He may think the possibility is there that "she" (assumption) will want him at some point, so in his world he is preparing for the affair that may never happen. Or there is always the possibility that it is a guy. It could be that he is using porn again or did briefly and you scared him off of it. If he was using his computer and changed back the password, then this would explain this. Or yes, he could be in an affair. But if that is the case, some other clues would include (and others are free to add to the list), He is buying new cologne without your approval. He is taking more time to "fancy" himself up. He takes more showers. He seems a bit dazed as if in fantasy land. He works late (and it is out of the ordinary). And when he comes home, he avoids you. You smell a different perfume smell on him. And... Thanks James! I have listed a few things that I had noticed in my thread in the marriage section.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Ah, so this has something to do with infidelity in a marriage! I can tell you that in my situation, it was my gut instinct that kicked in which led me to get proof of his infidelity. Once I had reams of hard evidence, it gave me the upperhand in handling his lies. It also gave me the upperhand in the divorce proceedings. This was the first time I had been cheated on in any relationship so that's one more reason why I trust my gut instinct. You know when a loved one is hiding something from you. What it is, particularly in a marriage, it's best to get hard proof of such so you know what you're dealing with.
Author blair08 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Ah, so this has something to do with infidelity in a marriage! I can tell you that in my situation, it was my gut instinct that kicked in which led me to get proof of his infidelity. Once I had reams of hard evidence, it gave me the upperhand in handling his lies. It also gave me the upperhand in the divorce proceedings. This was the first time I had been cheated on in any relationship so that's one more reason why I trust my gut instinct. You know when a loved one is hiding something from you. What it is, particularly in a marriage, it's best to get hard proof of such so you know what you're dealing with. Yes, I have a post about this in marriage with some concerns I have....the problem is I keep second guessing myself.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Yes, I have a post about this in marriage with some concerns I have....the problem is I keep second guessing myself.So you're attempting to rationalize away your gut instinct. Don't do that. Get to the bottom of it by checking all sources, like bank account, credit cards, emails, online activity, cell phone logs, etc. If you can afford it, get a PI. They're worth every penny! Hang on, let me backtrack. Have you ever been cheated on before or felt this to be the case, when it wasn't?
Author blair08 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 So you're attempting to rationalize away your gut instinct. Don't do that. Get to the bottom of it by checking all sources, like bank account, credit cards, emails, online activity, cell phone logs, etc. If you can afford it, get a PI. They're worth every penny! Hang on, let me backtrack. Have you ever been cheated on before or felt this to be the case, when it wasn't? NO I haven't been cheated on before. You're right...I probably am trying to rationlize away my feeling....I come up with every excuse for what could or could not be happening...the excuses seem to fit pretty well though. I hate this feeling. However, its pretty strong too. I'm not normally a suspicious person either, so feeling like this is a pretty crappy feeling...but feeling this way and really knowing why are two different things... My post in marriage tells a little more about why i feel this way and the things I have noticed.
hopesndreams Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Gut instincts are there for a reason. Don't hide your head in the sand. Snoop through wallet, cell phone, computer if you have access to it, coat and pant pockets, under beds, in the car. Do you feel as though you love him more than he loves you? Has he lost interest in what you are saying and doing? Is he always on his cell phone? When you go out does he always find a restroom and goes back and forth to it way more than necessary? Does he go to the store for milk, there is a corner store but he takes the car and drives to one? Is he buying you more "gifts" lately? Is he always "stuck" in traffic? Is he putting you down more than usual and trying to start nit picky fights? Does he still "look" at you like he used to and say you are pretty? Or does he hardly look your way anymore and instead you notice him off in dreamland, or perhaps you notice him looking at himself in the mirror more and looking quite pleased with himself.
WorriedOne Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Snoop through wallet, cell phone, computer if you have access to it, coat and pant pockets, under beds, in the car. The rest of your post has some good advice but this snooping stuff is asinine. Are you a 14 year old jealous teenager? Or are you an adult?
hopesndreams Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 The whole post has good advice and until your actually in the situation of your possible spouse having a possible affair for god knows how many possible reasons the best thing to do is to find out the truth (they won't volunteer it) and the sooner it is found out and brought out into the open the better chance of saving the relationship/marriage before they get in too deep. That's all I'm saying. I stick by my advice. I've lived it.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 The rest of your post has some good advice but this snooping stuff is asinine. Are you a 14 year old jealous teenager? Or are you an adult?The only way you're going to find out is to investigate it. If you've ever been cheated on in a marriage, you'll find that talking to them one on one with no hard proof, will just get you lies upon lies. After I had hard proof and confronted my ex-H about his infidelity, he lied and lied. I used my hard proof to negate his lies until finally, some truth came out. Or do you suggest the OP just up and divorce him because she suspects something but has no proof to bring to the table? This isn't like dating someone, y'know. There are HUGE legal ramifications associated to divorce, nvm the massive emotional trauma.
WorriedOne Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Or do you suggest the OP just up and divorce him because she suspects something but has no proof to bring to the table? This isn't like dating someone, y'know. There are HUGE legal ramifications associated to divorce, nvm the massive emotional trauma. If her husband fails to address her feelings and refuses to go to counseling then yes, I am saying she should divorce without any hard evidence of hanky panky. If he is being deceitful then he is not trustworthy. How can you love someone you cannot trust? I don't see what it matters if he is spending his free time with another woman or just his buddies. What is important is that he does not willfully share that information with the person he should be closer to than anyone else in this world, his wife.
Trialbyfire Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 If her husband fails to address her feelings and refuses to go to counseling then yes, I am saying she should divorce without any hard evidence of hanky panky. If he is being deceitful then he is not trustworthy. How can you love someone you cannot trust? I don't see what it matters if he is spending his free time with another woman or just his buddies. What is important is that he does not willfully share that information with the person he should be closer to than anyone else in this world, his wife. I would never divorce anyone without any hard proof of infidelity. While I strongly believe in gut instinct, marriage vows mean way, way more to me than walking away when things aren't perfect. You have to do your homework and if there's nothing to find, then it's time to do some serious evaluation of your communication styles.
Author blair08 Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 If her husband fails to address her feelings and refuses to go to counseling then yes, I am saying she should divorce without any hard evidence of hanky panky. If he is being deceitful then he is not trustworthy. How can you love someone you cannot trust? I don't see what it matters if he is spending his free time with another woman or just his buddies. What is important is that he does not willfully share that information with the person he should be closer to than anyone else in this world, his wife. Yes, we have been to counseling before. It did not work. It did not work because my husband didn't do his part. Now I'm, not saying by no means, that I've had all my issues cleared up, but I am saying that over the years, and past few months when we were in counseling that I DID do some things that were asked of me to do, and try etc. Yes, I feel I'm more connected to this marriage than he is. He has been distant for awhile now. I've tried many things that were suggested to me, that might would have helped him to get connected again, or at least try, the thing is he wont try. Its kind of like he's already checked out of the marriage. You're right there isn't alot of trust there on either part I don't suppose. He has always been suspcious of me...the reason he gave me when I asked him why and what did I do to make him feel that way, was he was just an insecure person and always had been. My reasons are different though. He has done things before that he is not trustworthy for. He knows this.
Author blair08 Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 I would never divorce anyone without any hard proof of infidelity. While I strongly believe in gut instinct, marriage vows mean way, way more to me than walking away when things aren't perfect. You have to do your homework and if there's nothing to find, then it's time to do some serious evaluation of your communication styles. Thanks TBF! I just want some answers, that's all. Also to the one who said snopping was just insane. I disagree, that's kind of like someone knowing something is wrong, but turning the other cheek because you don't want to know for sure so you sit and do nothing. I'm not the kind of person who will sit and do absolutley nothing at all. I'm going to at least try to see if I can get some answers. Most people that snoop, don't just wake up one morning and say, 'Oh I think I'll go check things out today on my partner." Most people feel they have a reason. You had also stated coming right out and telling him what I feel about all of this. He already knows I feel something isn't right, and that our marriage has been suffering for awhile and he hasn't really done much to help try to put it back together, but as far as me telling him that I have a suspicoin that he is doing something he shouldn't, like possibly running around, NOWAY, that would be the biggest mistake of all. Or at least it would be without any proof just yet.
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