monkeymaid Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 so what do you think of my letter. did i leave anything out?? and how would you take this?? ... i guess it doesnt really matter how she takes it, but i dont hurt ...at least not right now "hey, dont reply to this, i just need to say some things that night , that thursday night. ...the last night we talked on the phone. i hurt all night. it hurt in my head, and it hurt in my chest. when i made you tell me that we would never be again, it hurt so bad. ...so bad. ...ive broken ribs, ive been kicked in the no no spot, my mom left, friends, grandparents, and relatives have died, ive fought for my life, been alone in an unknow place for a year, and done, just stupid **** before and none of it, i mean NONE of it felt even remotely close to how i felt that night, all night.and the next night, and the next. i got no sleep and just sat there feeling nothing but what i can only describe as empty and dying. when i got off of work the next day, i sat down for a minute and the feeling came back. exercise wouldnt make it go away, maybe school work? ...nope. a date? yeah, right. then, as i sat, thinking "stupid me", i felt the tears well. it was strange though. i didnt cry because i missed you, or knew we couldnt be together, or because i was just sad. though i felt all of those things, i cried because i had made you, ______________, the one other person whose feelings i should have protected, the one who i so madly loved and wanted in my life as my friend, my lover, my equal, i had made her feel that very same way i had felt those nights before. i wish that on not even my most mortal of enemies, and i put you in that position, as you have so eloquently explained to me, not once, not twice, but more than 4 times. i cried for how i made you feel, i cried because i made you cry, i cried for making you feel hurt, for ripping your heart apart. i cried because i put you in a bad position,i cried becasue i asked you to overlook it, i cried becasue i didnt give you the respect of not calling you, and being selfish in my actions to reconcile knowing that you couldnt trust me with your heart. this is for your heart and mine (im not sure you need this, but i do) my sorrow runs deeper than you know, and i will carry it with all of those memories of you and i. I will hold it close as a reminder of just what fear is and love isnt. i want to tell you that i am sorry, and you to know that i mean it, for all of my ****ty actions, and for when i hurt you the most, and the not so most. for doubting you, for making you feel like i mistruted you. for being really crazy and overreacting. for not supporting you and building you up especialy when the other people around you wouldnt. whether you move to _____ or not, i wish you find the happiness you deserve. i wish the best for you in every way. I hope you find the perfect man. i hope hes everything you think you want, and everything you dont know you want. i hope you dance around the world, open your own practice, have the most wonderful children, and live the life i know you will. ...and i want you to know that i respect you more than just about anyone i know. i will probably kick myself a few more times for ending this but youll never knwo that This is my good bye to you. i know it will never feel enough for me. but this is it. i have nothing but good wishes for you maybe ill see you when i dream. till then, good bye to you."
Author monkeymaid Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 someone please tell me that she can pull closure from this, and that i can move on without a heavy heart. ...i tried to get her back, and it almost worked, but in the end (even though nothing ever really ends till we die) it didnt. ...i wish for her to be happy because i do really love her.
chrissreef Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 you can move on. i wrote similar letters and they were also long. when i re-read them weeks later i realize they were probably too long and she may never read more than half of them. either way, you did all you can do and gave it your best and told her how you feel. i suggest move on and she may/may not come back. remember tho, you tried =) edit - don't send her more, it will push her away.
Author monkeymaid Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 ok, so i still want her back, but i just dont hurt anymore. i almost feel bad because i know i hurt her and would get back with her in a heartbeat, but if i move on, hook up with other girls etc, i should have no remorse in not trying something else? or holding out just a little bit longer? i reall miss the physical aspect, and right now i just want to hook up. i just dont want to be wondering what if in 4 months because that is when we have to see eachother (for work. ...i work for her parents) ...and thanks for your reply, its actually nerve racking to not see responses when you post on herehoping to hear a few words of advice/suuport. so thanks!
Hersheys Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I have to say that the letter was quite a long read but sincere and heartfelt. I've always wished that my ex would write something like that. It's good that you expressed your thoughts and made your feelings known. Be prepared though because with letters like that even if we say that no response is necessary, there's a tiny hope in us that is waiting for any response or reaction. If she doesn't respond be glad still that you were able to tell her how you feel and that you've made you're own closure.
Author monkeymaid Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 i had soem time to think, and came to the conclusion that i have loved her from the first day i met her and want her to be as happy as i want to be. if its not with me, i still wish it for her, and to be quite honest, knowing that i got to love her and feel the love she gave me and to share what we did together and knowing that forever and ever, long after the worldturns to dust, we would have shared that speck ofeternity together calms me down and lets me know that that was real and i will forever be a better person for it, and those times will always be just ours. ...i sound so fruity right now
Author monkeymaid Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 i broke up with her around xmas time for a reaon that seemed good at the time (which was actually the dumbest reason ever). then we were hanging out again, dating etc, and she freaked big time and pulled away completely.
Recommended Posts