now_what Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 My dissolution hearing is in 12 days and it's all I can think about. My husband left me after 30 years of marriage for a biker chick he had known for 2 months. He insisted on a dissolution instead of even attempting to work on our marriage. The hearing is scheduled for March 30. I've know this for about three weeks now, but the reality is really sinking in. I just dread going into the court room and stating that "yes, I want my marriage dissolved", when I really don't. I just don't know what to expect in the courtroom. Will there be just my husband and me, the attorneys and the judge? Anyone else? I'm just going along with this, because he is "happy" following the new path he has chosen for himself, but he doesn't hate me. I really have no choice in the matter. I don't want to cry and get upset, but I know I will. How can I steel myself, so I don't fall apart? I've been with this man since I was 16, but for the last two years he may as well have been a stranger. The whole thing just seems so sad - how being with his wife and daughter just wasn't good enough for him. I try to focus on why would I still want to be married to this man? He left me for another woman - actually he sent me an email and snuck out of the house while I was at work. It's just the finality of it all and the fear of the unknown that has me shook up. This is not how I expected my life to turn out.:confused:
Author now_what Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Can anyone give me some practical advice on how to control my emotions during the hearing? Or should I not even try to control the tears?
hopesndreams Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I just dread going into the court room and stating that "yes, I want my marriage dissolved", when I really don't. Get in the mindset of OH YES YOU DO want a divorce. He does. I read your story and it teared me up, I really feel for ya....but he is NOT the same man you've known all those years, he's changed and he's changed into something despicable. but he doesn't hate me Of course he doesn't hate you. He wants to get along with you. He's breaking your heart and has he shown you any empathy? He's doesn't hate you because he's indifferent. He left me for another woman - actually he sent me an email and snuck out of the house while I was at work. Just another yellow belly coward. No one expects their life to turn out like yours has, but you got plenty of company. Keep reading this forum, it can help you tremendously like it has helped me. There is no shame in crying just let the tears flow, it's the one good way to let your grief out.
Meaplus3 Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I'll have you know your story brought me to tears. I'm sorry for you and what your going through. 30 years is a long time to be married and I'm sure this is a big adjustment for you. But in all honesty you need to go in there and show him that he's not going to get to you. He is not the same man you married if he can up and leave you for some other chick.. so your probably better off. I'm not sure what else to say. Do let yourself grieve this.. and rely on your friend's and loved ones to help you along here. I wish you the very best. Try to stay strong and keep your chin up. and of course keep reading and posting here. Mea:)
Author now_what Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Thanks to hopesndreams and Meaplus3 for the advice and encouragement. So, just 9 days to go now. My stbx came over today to take our daughter out for her birthday. I had invited him to her actual birthday party on Wednesday and he was going to come, but changed his mind when he found out it was only 5 days before our hearing. Truthfully, I am glad he is not coming - not this year at least. The timing was just awkward. I had been trying to convince him that we can still be around each other when the children are concerned - we have three - 25, 23, and soon to be 16. I think I will be alright in the courtroom and yes I am sure I will cry, but I just want to get it over with and go on with my life. The hearing is in the morning, I am going to try to go to work afterwards. My manager told me if I came in, we all could go out to lunch, anywhere I liked. I think I will try very hard to go to work - I have an hour drive from the courthouse to the office., so that gives me a while to cry before I get there. And yes, I can cry and drive. I did it every day for a couple of months to and from work lol. I'd get my crying out in the car, so my daughter would not see me upset all the time. Sure, I cried at home some in front of her, but tried to keep it to a limit.
OpenBook Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I just dread going into the court room and stating that "yes, I want my marriage dissolved", when I really don't. What would happen - legally - if you went into that courtroom and said "no, I don't want my marriage dissolved"? Your lawyer should be filling you in on all your options. You DO have your own lawyer... right?
Author now_what Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 What would happen - legally - if you went into that courtroom and said "no, I don't want my marriage dissolved"? Your lawyer should be filling you in on all your options. You DO have your own lawyer... right? No, I do not have an attorney. My husband and I worked out our own agreement and he paid an attorney to file it for us. He is giving me much more that the state mandated child support amount and is paying off my car loan. If I spoke up in court and said I did not agree to the dissolution, it would turn into a contested divorce and the court would determine the terms. I did consult with an attorney and was told that if this happens, I would just get the state calculated amount for child support. I think my husband was feeling some guilt - ok a lot of guilt - maybe not for disrupting my lifestyle but that of our 15 year old daughter. The agreement pretty much works out to my advantage financially and custody wise also, so I think I will just go with it, I could not have done any better with an attorney. Also, since he is so adamant about being sooooo happy on his "new path" in life, I see no point in prolonging things. I knew neither of us was happy in the marriage for the past year or so, but I guess we had different takes on the situation: I wanted to work on things, he wanted a biker chick (he had developed an obsession with being a "biker" over the past two years, so having a woman who rides with him just completes the fantasy). Despite that, I really do not want the marriage dissolved, but I really have no other choice, so I should just let things work to my advantage. My two older children tell me that I deserve better and I am better off without him. My younger daughter doesn't really understand why her dad left me - and her really - but she tells me that she loves me and that we will be ok.
Meaplus3 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 My two older children tell me that I deserve better and I am better off without him. That's becuase you mostly likely will be. If the marriage was NO longer working and you both new that then it's for the best. You really sound like a strong woman with great kids. Would you rather your kids see you happy of miserable? I know it's tough now but. you will be ok. Stay strong and keep up the good attitude you seem to have. All the best. Mea:)
OpenBook Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I'm nervous for you, not having your own legal representation. You're letting your dipsh*t H call all the shots. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He may promise you the world, but if it's not in writing, you could easily get screwed financially. Can you hire someone to at least review the settlement agreement for you?
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Now what, you've been with this man since you were a kid. You don't even know how it feels to be single. Thirty years is a long period of dedication to one man - so long, that you don't even know anymore where he stops and you begin. Your identity could only develop within the boundaries of the marriage. Much like a person who's only worked for one company or only lived in one small town their whole life. You have no clue as to how wonderful it is to live on your own. It's not about the freedom to do whatever you want - it's the dreaded loneliness that actually feels so cozy. Do you know how many people in your age who are single don't want to get married? Sometimes they say they do, but they keep postponing it. Because it feels so good to be alone. I can't explain to you something that you haven't experienced, but trust me. I've been in two marriages and I've been single. I am always happier when I am single. Yes, maybe your marriage was good and mine were not, but really, are you even "competent," I dare say, after 30 years with one man, to know what makes YOU happy? I bet you're an expert in what makes HIM happy! I am not talking about experience with men or any other experiences. I am talking about an experience of being single, being your own person, not somebody's wife; being the whole team, and not half of a team... being a whole human being, and not half of it. Marriage always develops this symbiosis in which we give and receive, and we lose part of our authentic personalities in it. When you mix vodka and tomato juice in one glass, it's neither vodka nor tomato juice anymore - it's "Bloody Marriage"! Once the initial wounds heal, you'll discover happiness and peace like never before. So many divorced women in their 40's and 50's don't want to re-marry ever. Of course, you'll hurt for a while after the divorce is finalized, but don't think of this painful situation as a tragedy that found you unprepared. It's just a temporary thing. Don't get me wrong, I am not against marriages. I've been married twice and would gladly marry again. I too have children. I just don't see breakups as nightmares anymore nor am I afraid of solitude. I see them as opportunities to explore life further. Also, don't think that you wasted 30 years with this man. No matter what we do in life, we're practically wasting time. Think of this divorce as a rescue, as a path to an exciting uncertainty, as an opportunity to love and be loved again. You'll be more than fine.
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 No, I do not have an attorney. My husband and I worked out our own agreement and he paid an attorney to file it for us. He is giving me much more that the state mandated child support amount and is paying off my car loan. If I spoke up in court and said I did not agree to the dissolution, it would turn into a contested divorce and the court would determine the terms. I did consult with an attorney and was told that if this happens, I would just get the state calculated amount for child support.What about marital assets? Are you staying in the house? Who's going to pay of the mortgage, if you have any? I, just like OpenBook, have a really bad feeling about your superficial consulting with an attorney. I sure hope it wasn't the one your husband is paying. Please remember, an attorney CANNOT represent two opponents. There is no such thing as "filing for both." He doesn't represent both of you. He is filing for your husband and including your name on the divorce paper. In the best case, he is just drawing the paper the way you and your husband advised him. When you see the words: Plaintiff: Your husband vs. Defendant: YOU you will realize that you are not legally represented by anyone. The divorce decree will not say Mr. & Mrs. Happy Couple. Next, for as long as an agreement isn't signed, he can always change his mind. For example, right now, he says "You, dear stay in the house with the kids, I'll move out." You think he left the house to you. No, he didn't. It just means you'll divorce with no agreement whatsoever about the house. I am just giving you an example. I don't know your financial situation. If you have any debt, you must agree on how you will be paying it off. Regarding child support, nothing prevents him from paying more than what the state mandates - it's his own child. Something is fishy about his quasi-generous offer. It sounds like a way to throw sand in your eyes. You could be entitled to alimony if your salary isn't big enough. Hiring your own attorney doesn't necessarily lead to a contested divorce. Most divorcing couples hire each their own legal counsel, who then negotiate the settlement. You might be entitled to much more than you think - especially after 30 years. This is ridiculous. You only end up with car loan payments. Child support is for your kids, not for you. You likely have some assets and debt accumulated over 30 years.
Author now_what Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 I'm nervous for you, not having your own legal representation. You're letting your dipsh*t H call all the shots. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He may promise you the world, but if it's not in writing, you could easily get screwed financially. Can you hire someone to at least review the settlement agreement for you? That's funny dipsh** is my pet name for him. He is not calling all the shots except for starting the legal process. His attorney drafted a preliminary agreement from our notes and we met to go over it. I felt there were some changes to be made to make it totally acceptable to me. We went over my changes then met again to sign the revised copies of the separation agreement and a shared parenting agreement. These agreements were filed with the court and copies sent directly to me from the court. These are what we will be signing in front of a judge on March 30th. Other than him having the mother of all midlife crises and being a chicken sh**, he has been more than fair. Financially, he is giving me pretty much all that he can and we really don't have "shared" parenting, my daughter is with me 100% of the time and will spend all holidays with me. He does call her and stops by to see her (he lives in another town) every couple of weeks. He goes to her school activiites and he bought her a car. He is making a real effort to stay in contact with the older kids also - probably moreso than when we were together. When he was at home he spent practically every waking moment riding his bike or thinking about motorcycles. He was obsessed. My younger daughter thought he didn't even like her - he spent so little time talking to her. It was just a weird situation and I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted in life, because it certainly wasn't me, and I told him I couldn't live like this anymore. He just took the cowards way by not telling me face to face that he wanted out. I may have just told him to go, since he didn't even want to attempt to work on the marriage.
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 His attorney drafted a preliminary agreement from our notes Your notes have no weight unless you're completely informed of what you are entitled to. shared parenting agreement. Shared parenting? How does this affect his responsibility to pay child support? If he doesn't pay the amount he promised to pay, and you sue him later, the judge may say "Hey, you have joint custody, so the support you receive has to be much lower!" I don't know. I am just telling you that there are possibly holes in this agreement. You might think you're signing for A - but really getting B. These agreements were filed with the court and copies sent directly to me from the court. These are what we will be signing in front of a judge on March 30th. This doesn't mean anything at all. Some clerk received your papers, made copies and sent them back to you with a scheduled date for a hearing. With my divorce, I didn't show up at the hearing at all. The judge sent me another invitation, and I went to his office and told him "You saw that I didn't show up, so why did you send me another invitation? What if we reconciled or if I want to give the marriage aother chance?" he just looked at me in an apologetic way. You totally have a right to NOT show up at court next week. You are legally unprepared, you're not comfortable with the divorce, the husband is rushing you (I don't see what's the big hurry), and you think you have no choice because you're getting a great deal out of it. I am not so sure about that. Financially, he is giving me pretty much all that he can IF (!) he is giving you indeed. Is the promised child support taxable? If it is, then you're getting less than you think and for him it's tax deductable. See, I had the most expensive lawyer in the city (and I live in a big city) when I was signing my prenup, and my attorney drew the document and stated that I get X $$$ non-taxable. I would've never ever thought of that had I not had an attorney. I would've thought that I had no other choice but to pay tax. The IRS just wants one of you to pay tax on that amount; either he deducts it and you pay tax or you don't pay tax, but he may not deduct it from his tax (which means he pays tax to that same amount). and we really don't have "shared" parenting, my daughter is with me 100% of the time and will spend all holidays with me. He does call her and stops by to see her (he lives in another town) every couple of weeks. So, he's already asking for something that he's not fulfilling (joint custody). He goes to her school activiites and he bought her a car. Big deal! He is her father.
Author now_what Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 What about marital assets? Are you staying in the house? Who's going to pay of the mortgage, if you have any? I, just like OpenBook, have a really bad feeling about your superficial consulting with an attorney. I sure hope it wasn't the one your husband is paying. Please remember, an attorney CANNOT represent two opponents. There is no such thing as "filing for both." He doesn't represent both of you. He is filing for your husband and including your name on the divorce paper. In the best case, he is just drawing the paper the way you and your husband advised him. When you see the words: Plaintiff: Your husband vs. Defendant: YOU you will realize that you are not legally represented by anyone. The divorce decree will not say Mr. & Mrs. Happy Couple. Next, for as long as an agreement isn't signed, he can always change his mind. For example, right now, he says "You, dear stay in the house with the kids, I'll move out." You think he left the house to you. No, he didn't. It just means you'll divorce with no agreement whatsoever about the house. I am just giving you an example. I don't know your financial situation. If you have any debt, you must agree on how you will be paying it off. Regarding child support, nothing prevents him from paying more than what the state mandates - it's his own child. Something is fishy about his quasi-generous offer. It sounds like a way to throw sand in your eyes. You could be entitled to alimony if your salary isn't big enough. Hiring your own attorney doesn't necessarily lead to a contested divorce. Most divorcing couples hire each their own legal counsel, who then negotiate the settlement. You might be entitled to much more than you think - especially after 30 years. This is ridiculous. You only end up with car loan payments. Child support is for your kids, not for you. You likely have some assets and debt accumulated over 30 years. Sorry, I don't know how to break up the quote. I am getting the house, but yes, I am paying for it. He only took his clothes and personal items and of course his precious Harley. We are each paying our own credit card debt. I consulted with two attorneys, one the day after he left and another through my legal plan at work. I appreciate the concern, but I really don't feel that I could get a better settlement with my own attorney. My husband doesn't have anything else and we have similar incomes, he is an estimator for a home builder and I am an accountant. He did have a 401K, but in 2007 we were going to try a long distance relationship and he moved out of state to take what he thought at the time was his dream job. Turned out he hated it (after a month) and was actually crying on the phone for me to let him quit it and return to me and his family. Anyhow, he cashed in his 401K to pay off the expenses of that fiasco. We are getting a dissolution and are listed as Petitioner 1 and Petitioner 2. I don't think he is trying to pull anything, he is a pretty straight forward person other than not wanting to face his fears and get some help. I think he was suffering from depression and then he started making irrational decisions and he was never one to want to discuss his feelings. Everyone has said that karma would eventually catch up to him. It's kind of funny, but not funny, on my 50th birthday in January a drunk driver totaled both of his cars which were parked outside of his house. This really left his scrambling for something to drive to work. Two weeks after that he fell on the ice at work and cracked his head open. And who did he call? ME - the first time from the ambulance to let me know what had happened and later from the hospital to tell me that he was OK except for the stitches. After that though, his communications seemed to back off a bit, his tone changed. I think he still felt something when he called me and what was really strange when we met at his attorney's office the second time, you would never know why we were there. When we talked - while waiting for his attorney - we talked like old times when things were good. The whole situation is just weird and sad.
Author now_what Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 The money is not taxable and is not deductible for him. Beyond the child support he is paying half of all my daughters other expenses: her band fees, her driver's ed class, the band trip to Florida, half of all medical expenses that insurance doesn't pay. Our shared parenting agreement does not have any fixed visitation rules. My daughter was actually worried that she would have to go stay with her dad. The agreement is whatever we want it to be. And since he is living in another town with another woman, the current arrangement works out just fine. Yes, I realize that he is just doing the things a father should do. But his own parents split up when he was a teenager and his dad disappeared from his life.
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I am getting the house, but yes, I am paying for it. Wait, so you're getting a house that you were both paying off for many years? The house will be in your name and you'll just be responsible for the rest of the mortgage payments? That's great. But if his name is going to remain on the deed, then he should pay half of the monthly payments. Make sure you take his name off the deed - i.e., make sure it's stated clearly at court that YOU alone are getting the house - if this is what you agreed to. Because you said that YOU are getting the house and making the payments. This is important because should something happen to him, and he's married to his new tattooed-leather chick, she might be after his part of the house. his precious Harley. The Harley is a marital asset, too. If you had a $10,000 diamond necklace purchased while married, it would've been marital property also. But I am sure you know that already. I consulted with two attorneys, one the day after he left and another through my legal plan at work. I appreciate the concern, but I really don't feel that I could get a better settlement with my own attorney. Okay. As long as you're well informed and have your eyes wide open. Turned out he hated it (after a month) and was actually crying on the phone for me to let him quit it and return to me and his family. Anyhow, he cashed in his 401K to pay off the expenses of that fiasco. What a loser! So he spent the entire 401K? We are getting a dissolution and are listed as Petitioner 1 and Petitioner 2.Are you sure it's not Petitioner (Plaintiff) and Respondent (Defendant)? I don't think he is trying to pull anything, he is a pretty straight forward person other than not wanting to face his fears and get some help. I think he was suffering from depression and then he started making irrational decisions and he was never one to want to discuss his feelings. Everyone has said that karma would eventually catch up to him. So, he's a good guy, but you think breaking his head was his karma? Well, which one is it, make up your mind! I think he still felt something when he called me and what was really strange when we met at his attorney's office the second time, you would never know why we were there. When we talked - while waiting for his attorney - we talked like old times when things were good. Of course he feels something, he's been with you his whole life. You know, there's a lot of flirting, sweet chit-chatting, great sex, fun, even vacations together going on after separation and divorce. That doesn't necessarily promise anything, but the feelings are there in any case. If he begs you to take him back, don't do it immediately. Sorry, I don't know how to break up the quote. You see the icon of a letter right above your text (when you open Reply)? It's next to the Fonts options. You select the text you want to quote, then you click on that. Alternatively, you can put the text between and . Just like you get it when you click quote. If you want to add different names to your quote,type ...the text goes in between...
Author now_what Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 We go to court on Monday. I emailed him today to ask him where we were supposed to go ( the courthouse is not where I live) and to make sure that just he and his attorney will be there. I would hope he would have enough sense not to bring his skanky girlfriend but you never know. I told him for the record, I still wished this wasn't happening, but it was out of my control at this point. I also told him it still hurt me that being with his wife and daughter was not what he wanted out of life. The only response I got was - the address should be on the letter the court sent you and that he would be coming alone. That was it. I knew he would not respond to the other comment, but I just had to say it. It still floors me that you can just leave your family and create a new life for yourself. I am so tense and my stomach is just in knots, but I will be fine after Monday. And so what if I cry, he hurt me and I don't care who knows it. It does not show weakness on my part. He'll probably just stand there looking stupid.
LakesideDream Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 We go to court on Monday. I emailed him today to ask him where we were supposed to go ( the courthouse is not where I live) and to make sure that just he and his attorney will be there. I would hope he would have enough sense not to bring his skanky girlfriend but you never know. I told him for the record, I still wished this wasn't happening, but it was out of my control at this point. I also told him it still hurt me that being with his wife and daughter was not what he wanted out of life. The only response I got was - the address should be on the letter the court sent you and that he would be coming alone. That was it. I knew he would not respond to the other comment, but I just had to say it. It still floors me that you can just leave your family and create a new life for yourself. I am so tense and my stomach is just in knots, but I will be fine after Monday. And so what if I cry, he hurt me and I don't care who knows it. It does not show weakness on my part. He'll probably just stand there looking stupid. Now What, you situation sounds a lot like mine, almost nine years ago now. With my ex it wasn't a harley, it was her high school "soul mate", it's more similar than it appears on the surface. What I believe you are seeing, and dreading is the gigantic hole beginning to open in your life. It's a dark swirling thing, nothing escapes, not even light. That whole sucks everything into it. That whole is real. For me everything that happened before, the bad, but especially the good was sucked into it. All gone forever. I lived through it. I was sad for a long time. And that hole, or the aftermath still effects me. While reasonably content, successful, and stable I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. I was 50 when it all began, almost 59 now. We are simpatico. After reading literally thousands of posts I have come to believe that a person 25-35 even 45 cannot get a grip around how a breakup like yours affects us. Maybe 50 is magic? Keep posting and looking. I have 2500 odd posts, and I have no idea how the story ends. Reading your post made me sad. It made me remember. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Author now_what Posted March 29, 2009 Author Posted March 29, 2009 Hi LakesideDream: Thanks for your comments and support. I am sorry that you are still hurting from this - I just wonder how I will feel in time. I just don't see how people can decide after being married for years that they can just leave and create a new life for themselves - how selfish can you get? Just thinking about me, me me. My stbx left me, his 15 year old daughter, a reasonably nice home, a nice lifestyle - to live in the middle of nowhere (a town of less than 1000) with only his biker woman and his Harley. But this woman is not a young thing (what he told me), so this should make me feel better. Both times we were at the attorney's office he had hickeys all over his neck - how gross and juvenile for a 53 year old supposedly professional man to have his neck all marked up. His "woman" was probably marking her territory for me to see. Whatever. So the hearing is tomorrow morning at 10, scheduled for 10 whole minutes - and you know what I am doing afterwards - well not for two weeks really - I am going to Disney World!!! My daughter's marching band is performing at Disney and I will be spending the week in Orlando with my older daugher, her husband, my 6 year old granddaughter and 4 month old grandson. Before all this happened, I asked my husband to come with us, but he declined. I just want tomorrow to be over with, I want the numbness to go away. I want to go on with my life. In truth he left me emotionally about two years ago, physically he's been gone for 6 months, of which 4 1/2 of those months he would not even speak to me - would only email. I just found that to be so disrespectful, it made me feel like I didn't even exist to him. What a coward - he said he was scared to talk to me. If you are a big enough man to sneak out of the house you shared with your wife and teenage daughter, you should be big enough to own up to your actions. Anyhow, wish me luck at court in the morning. I want to go in, sign the papers, tell my stbx to go fu** himself and then go to work.
twicebitten Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Eventhough my marriage was only 15 years, I KNOW how you feel!! Mine left me for an employee & skipped-out-of-town!! Just TRY to keep your composure in there & not cry! It's hard as hell, but well worth the effort for them to see you STRONG!! Here's lots a HUGS OOOOOOOOO ... comin' your way!! XO
Ilovehim Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 what a douchebag. I honestly and sincerely wish you the best and hopefully you WILL be better off without him.
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