PCLS Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Last week my boyfriend of almost 10 months broke up with me. It is such a long story but I will try to go from the beginning. Here goes.... We got together in May 2008 and things were amazing to begin with (as always!!), we spent loads of time together and both agreed we had never felt this way about anyone else before. 3 or 4 months went by and we had a few small arguments, nothing major but then his ex girlfriend gave birth to his son (I was aware that she was pregnant!!) and he started to push me away. His ex was only allowing him to see the baby on her terms and generally being difficult and he ended up taking things out on me and breaking up with me. I tried to sort things out with him for the best part of 3 weeks, but he didn't want to know. That was, until I had to move back to university 200 miles away. I went to visit him before I left and he was really upset, he told me he realised he'd made a huge mistake breaking up with me and that he wanted me back. I took him back and that weekend he came to visit me in my university city. We went out drinking, he got extremely drunk and started accusing me of wanting to see other men behind his back, I was crying my eyes out as he was being so abusive and rather than stopping, he hit me across the face and called me a slut. I was so shocked I went straight home and he followed. I showed him all of my emails, my facebook messages and everything just to prove how wrong he was but when he showed me his, I found private messages from 5 or 6 different girls, all of which had content which is totally out of order for someone in a relationship to be sending. I threw him out of my house but eventually he weedled his way back into my life and we got back together. Various different things happened after that which seriously affected my ability to regain trust in him despite the fact he changed his phone number and only gave his new one to friends and family. Still, we stayed together and I did loads for him, lent him money despite not having much myself and forgave him for lying about things that I caught him out on. Anyway, fast forward a few months and things were getting a bit better. A few weeks ago I sat him down and had a serious conversation with him about how I was struggling to regain the trust and how I was worried that next time I got upset about it he would snap and break up with me. He promised me this would not be the case and that he couldn't imagine being with anyone but me and that he would help me to trust him again. However, a week or so later I used his laptop with his permission only to find he had removed the display picture of him and me on his IM and changed it to a picture of his car. Not only that but he had removed the automatic sign in feature and deleted his password from the box so it would not sign in on its own. I called him and asked him why he had done this and he came up with a half hearted excuse, saying he didn't want people talking to me and bothering me when I was using his computer (this wouldn't have happened as he sets his IM to appear offline). I said I didn't believe him and he said it was over and to get out of his house before he got back from work. I came back to my university city and tried to reason with him but he said its over for good, that he loves me and wants to be with me but it will never work because I don't trust him. I know this isn't true though as I am working on my confidence and self esteem in order to help me to trust again. I tried no contact for a few days but I crumbled and called him tonight, he was very abusive and told me to leave him alone. However, just the night before he broke up with me he told me he 'loves me to bits and never wants to lose me'. I can't understand how he could just change overnight. I supported him through so much and forgave him for things that most people would see as unforgivable yet he has just thrown it all away over something he promised he wouldn't. I just don't know what to do next really. Any advice? (And if you have managed to read to this point then I thank you from the bottom of my heart!)
Author PCLS Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Can anyone give me any advice or insight into this? I've read people saying that men seem to get over things quicker as they have usually decided in their mind a long time before ending the relationship that its over, but in my case, there was absolutely no sign of this at all. He told me that he was going to save money up and get the problems with my car fixed for me, he said he couldn't imagine his life without me (he even went as far as saying he would be a quivering wreck without me), and even the day he broke up with me, he went off to work as usual, told me he loved me and would see me when he got home, yet 2 hours later he told me it was over and since then has pretty much totally ignored the fact I exist. Can anyone help me to understand this??? I feel so lost right now.
laRubiaBonita Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 i am not getting what you need help with? if i were you i would be celebrating! thank your licky stars this abusive manipulative douche is gone- how can you let someone hit you like a dog? and how can you allow someone to verbally and mentally abuse you? no wonder you have esteem issues..... respect yourself first.
crisla Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 First of all, I really understand how you feel. Feeling lost of someone, someone that actually not even good for you. From your story, he is not someone you can trust and if you don't trust him, and you shouldn't be in a relationship whatsoever with this guy. I'm in the same position. I love and missed a person that actually isn't even worth it. I feel empty knowing that he is not with me anymore. I've been feeling like this 5 times during our break up because he messed up with my head so many times. I feel like I'm losing him all over agian during our break up times until now. It's been almost 2 months and I'm still not over him (read my post).. It'll be easier tomorrow. I promise. Don't manage any contact on him. Focus on yourself. You will be fine. Remember, do you want to be in a relationship with the guy you cannot trust?
2sure Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 It is possible you are asking too much of this guy. Not too much for you and for many others - but more than he has to give. Using his computer is one thing, but without a more committed relationship , like living together or being engaged - he may feel that giving you his passwords is further than he wants to go. That being said, you have good reason to not trust him. He hit you, has become enraged, and is not trustworthy. Stay at University and live your life. See him on occassion if you must - but really - if you give yourself a chance - you will find not only that you deserve better , but that you do better.
Author PCLS Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Thanks for all of your responses. laRubiaBonita, what I needed help with is how someone can one night tell you they never want to lose you and the next morning tell you its over and then ignore you. I know everyone says I can do better because of how he had treated me but things were slowly improving, it just seemed like he was fed up of waiting for me to trust him again. (Although that is questionable because as I mentioned before, I initiated a conversation with him just a week before our break up about my trust issues and he assured me that he would help me through it) Its just extremely difficult to have someone you loved that much throw you on the used pile so suddenly. Crisla - thanks, I know I don't deserve the way he is treating me but he's been the biggest part of my life for the past 9 months and now he's just not there anymore. I'm glad someone can relate to that feeling. 2sure - I totally understand what you're saying about using his computer but we were supposed to be moving in together next month and he was genuinely fine with me using it, I asked if it would be ok, I said it doesn't matter if not but he said of course I can use it. Everyone told him that he was lucky to have me and he even admitted it himself, but now he's just given up on me and I find it so hard to understand.
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