jen83 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Dating this guy for 7 and a half weeks. Met on a dating site, we talked in depth for a month every day online before meeting. I see him 1-2 times a week, he lives 20 minutes away. We usually have a sleep over once a week too. We are not yet exclusive(it hasn't come up--I'm reluctant to bring it up). When he's with me, he goes all out. Surprises me with my favorite things, takes me out, pays for things, opens car doors, cooks me dinner and brings wine, gets me little gifts, is completely affectionate and interested--holds my hand at the movie theater, all cuddled up with me on the sofa during movies or when we sleep, kisses me goodbye if he leaves my house for work after sleeping over and I'm still in bed. The perfect man. But then oftentimes he'll sort of disappear or back off for several days at a time. I won't hear from him, he won't log on, he doesn't text/respond to texts...so I start wondering what's up. But then, he'll be back, just as "perfect" as always and ever so eager to see me maybe 2-3 days later. This is odd to me because before we met in person, we talked over AIM every single day, without missing a day. I guess I still have it in my head that that's "normal" for us and I still am a little curious when he doesn't come online for a few days. He oftentimes talks about things we need to do in the future. He's told me, very straightforward, that I'm probably the coolest girl he knows. That he feels like he can be himself around me and that he can relate a lot better with me than other girls. He said he wishes he'd met me sooner. He also mentions that he probably behaves a little more "goofy" and himself around me because he feels comfortable with me and he's probably more "normal" with other people who he's less comfortable with--pretty much, he feels like I won't judge him if he says or does something silly. Makes jokes about how I should move into the massive-multi-person-party house he lives in(he's said this in joking at least 7-8 times since I've known him), but obviously this is silly because I've only known him two months and I own my own house. I've met all of his roommates and friends. Some times he says things that I find odd. For instance, he *knows* I'm single. He knows this, there's no way he could not know this. I met him on a dating site--all of my online accounts-myspace, facebook, etc, all say single and I've never mentioned another guy to him; but he'll make some quick remark in passing that "my boyfriend" wouldn't like something--like a mark he's left on me from kissing or something he's left in my house--like a toothbrush. He always laughs when he says it, but I find it very odd and I always brush it off or dismiss it. I don't know if maybe I'm being "tested" or what. Any way, so he goes back and forth from being gone for days or aloof--speaking to me briefly daily, to being completely attentive. What is up with this?
xenomaniac Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Wow, this sounds a lot like a situation I am also in. Except we didn't meet through a dating site but because he was overseas at the time, a lot of our "predating" ritual developed online. And we instantly bonded. Had a great time going. Became intimate quickly. Then he withdrew. Explained he had old hang-up issues. I tried to move on. He came back. And the dance continues...
socialight Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 i don't know how old this guy is, but next time you see him, tell him that socialight says he plays the game like a champ.
xenomaniac Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Oh, and it sounds to me like he's hiding behind his "teasing"/"suspicions" because he himself is a little skittish about committing. He's playing a game.
Lucky555 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 def. date other people. Don't get to hung up on this guy. I like the fact that his a great when he is with you but imagine him doing this for a long time!! Sounds very much like a "game" with you. Not committing and hes probably seeing other people too. I think you can keep seeing him but the game gets old fast.
xenomaniac Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Oh, and if he's under 25: take everything he says with a grain of salt. He's probably in his prime tomcat years.
GAchasen Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I have the same situation. I think that each relationship is unique and there is no right answer. I think it comes down to what you are willing to put up with. He may be running from you due to being hurt before (I know very lame) but how can anyone pretend to know what is going on with the two of you...? He could be playing you? Why don't you communicate with him in a low key angle. Have you ever brought this topic up to him? I have found when neither person speaks up then both will continue in the relationship withhout being able to communicate, thus not having a solid relationship from the beginning. I know what you feel like. I have been dating a man for almost 4 months and he acts that way. From the beginning he has told me all about his ex and how he is the way he is. So, being in my situation I have realized I can either stay with him or never talk to him again. I have learned we do what we want. I decided to continue with him because I care. He has been slow with his feelings but I am ok with it...for now. However, if you feel he is playing you...or whatever then turn the tables on him and try to be less available to him. Maybe then he will see what he has in front of him. If not, at least you have a option... Hope everything works out!
xenomaniac Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 In my case, we communicate wonderfully about everything. Except our own situation. *rolleyes*
Cherished Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I definitely would not get sexually intimate with him again until he changed this hot/cold behavior. He is treating you like a girlfriend for a few days, then backing off??? And you are not exclusive? If he was really into you, then he wouldn't be backing off like this and you wouldn't have any doubts as to your relationship status. He would let you know he wanted you, is crazy about you...all the time, every day. the backing off thing and no contact for 3 days is...not a good sign.
heartoutside Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I"m kind of in a similar situation. The girl I've been seeing for about 2 months (we've gone out about 5 or 6 times) will sometimes just not reply at all to my texts, but only went 2-3 days without a word because she was too busy once. I also discovered this weekend during a drunk'n day of fun with her that she's scared which is way she pulls back sometimes and isn't always herself. So it could be that he is a little freaked out. I know i don't call the girl i'm seeing sometimes cuz I'm freaked out I'll look too pressed. But then again, now i'm sitting here wondering if she'll give me a call or text replying to the text i sent earlier.... so it may be a game, or it just may be that he's a little freaked....
Cherished Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I'm sorry but what she's saying are excuses for she's not that into you. I'm sorry. I"m kind of in a similar situation. The girl I've been seeing for about 2 months (we've gone out about 5 or 6 times) will sometimes just not reply at all to my texts, but only went 2-3 days without a word because she was too busy once. I also discovered this weekend during a drunk'n day of fun with her that she's scared which is way she pulls back sometimes and isn't always herself. So it could be that he is a little freaked out. I know i don't call the girl i'm seeing sometimes cuz I'm freaked out I'll look too pressed. But then again, now i'm sitting here wondering if she'll give me a call or text replying to the text i sent earlier.... so it may be a game, or it just may be that he's a little freaked....
Chocolate001 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 It has been only 8 weeks or so. If you like him, please give him a little more time. He could be playing a game, but we don't know for sure In the beginning of the relationship, some people (especially men) feel need to slow down or step back. Maybe he is evaluating his feeling. When he disappears, don't contact to chase and force him come back. Leave him alone so that he can fully evaluate his feeling. If you are interested, read mars and venus on a date book. It may help you. Having said that there is possibility he is not that into you or playing. One thing that I pay attention is his small sweetness in order to judge his true feeling. Giving me gifts, opening door, saying sweet things can be done if it is his "manner" and/or based on calm calculation. But, small things he does when he is not really thinking, such as he leans over to me with smile when I speak a little quietly, remembers a little non significant thing I said, etc.. can speak loudly about his genuine feeling to me. Sorry my example here may not be good ones... Good luck!
heartoutside Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Cherished- Thanks for the advice, and that's what I thought at first, but there's more back story to it...She and I briefly dated before way back when (about 8/9 months ago) but I disappeared on her which is why she's freaked. And I had my reasons to disappear and she and I have talked about it. She also has a busy life, to the point of almost too insanely busy. I really don't see them as excuses, I did at first. Which is why I'm saying to Jen83 that it can either be a game he's playing or just something else, something deeper. I know for a fact that when people first get into a relationship they fear communicating what is really bug'n them and that will start to manifest itself in other ways. Like not calling. But what it boils down to is if you have the patience to see where it can go. Right now, I do, and I'm willing to take the time.
serial muse Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 We are not yet exclusive(it hasn't come up--I'm reluctant to bring it up). ... But then oftentimes he'll sort of disappear or back off for several days at a time. I won't hear from him, he won't log on, he doesn't text/respond to texts...so I start wondering what's up. But then, he'll be back, just as "perfect" as always and ever so eager to see me maybe 2-3 days later. Sounds like he's still dating other people. You met online - does he log in frequently still? He's told me, very straightforward, that I'm probably the coolest girl he knows. That he feels like he can be himself around me and that he can relate a lot better with me than other girls. He said he wishes he'd met me sooner. He also mentions that he probably behaves a little more "goofy" and himself around me because he feels comfortable with me and he's probably more "normal" with other people who he's less comfortable with--pretty much, he feels like I won't judge him if he says or does something silly. Hm...this could go either way, but in the context of what you've been describing it could be friend-zoning... Some times he says things that I find odd. For instance, he *knows* I'm single. He knows this, there's no way he could not know this. I met him on a dating site--all of my online accounts-myspace, facebook, etc, all say single and I've never mentioned another guy to him; but he'll make some quick remark in passing that "my boyfriend" wouldn't like something--like a mark he's left on me from kissing or something he's left in my house--like a toothbrush. He always laughs when he says it, but I find it very odd and I always brush it off or dismiss it. I don't know if maybe I'm being "tested" or what. Again - could go either way. But taking your entire OP as a whole, my impression was that he's still dating around, likes you but is not prepared to commit to you, and is saying joking things about you having a BF as a way of creating a little distance and indicating that he's not taking things too seriously and doesn't want you to, either Any way, so he goes back and forth from being gone for days or aloof--speaking to me briefly daily, to being completely attentive. What is up with this? This doesn't sound so good to me, I'm afraid. If you want more from him - and it sounds like you do - you could just sit his butt down and ask what's up. But I wouldn't expect too much...I think he's happy with the way things are, which does not involve committing to you or being exclusive. Sorry.
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