Ladies-would your feelings lessen if your SO hesitated with label at two mnt

[pittguy578]

Here is the situation. I met someone as a friend back after a breakup in June. I had just gotten out of a relationship. We hung out a few times in the summer and then sort of lost touch..but were friends on Facebook. Then.in mid October we started chatting again..went out to dinner and drinks a couple of times and a few other fun dates..kissed for the first time on Halloween. We then started dating. Things progressed.. She asked me to be her boyfriend right around the two month mark.

I told her I just needed a little more time

 

My reason for a slight hestitation..not sure how much of a hesitation it was..only about TWO WEEKS was I had a previous relationship that ended in the middle of last year in which I dated someone for 5 months..and she asked me to be her boyfriend..and then broke up with me two weeks later..for still reasons unknown.It may have been only a five month relationship, but the previous girlfriend and I had talked about moving in together and discussed children..down the road..but children were discussed.

 

I told my most recent girlfriend why I had reservations. I told her at the time it was not the commitment that bothered me..just the label girlfriend. I told her I was committed to her, and I cared about her. I told her I did not want to date anyone else. I even told her it has crossed my mind..asking her to me my girlfriend..even before she asked me. I just needed a little more time.

 

I really was not being a player. I was not afraid of the commitment. It was just the label boyfriend that scared me..sort of like pavlov's dogs..just created a sense of discomfort. I mean I was committed, and I did care for her and showed it. I though that was all that mattered.

 

This may sound totally ridiculous, but she said she would not have sex with me again until after I committed. I intentionally did not have sex with her the night I asked her to be my girlfriend because I didn't want her to think I was just asking her to get sex. I loved her for much deeper reasons.

 

I mean if it was the "End" for her, why did she keep on dating me and accept me as her boyfriend two weeks later?

 

Ladies, would that mean the end of your feelings ofif someone didn't want the label at the two month mark, even if they told you they were committed to you and just didn't want the label? I had no idea how much it would hurt her or our relationship.

 

I should not have brought my previous relationship into the discussion.

 

My therapist said it usually takes twice as long as the time of the relationship for someone to heal from their previous one. When that girl asked me, I was only about 6 months out from a relatively painful ending to a relationship..I still was able to commit about two weeks later.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[SoulSearch_CO]

Ouch - twice as long to heal as was the duration of the broken relationship. I guess I have 9 more years to go. I don't think that's a hard-and-fast rule. I've heard one month for every one year.

 

But anyway - given your explanation of why you didn't want the label, no - I wouldn't be upset at you not accepting it. I think if she chose to be upset about it, she was choosing to disregard your feelings about the whole thing and was only considering her own. It was a little selfish on her part, IMO.

 

I hope you guys get a chance to work past this.

[serial muse]

Well, I admit that if I heard that I would wonder, in the back of my mind, if that's the only reason you're hesitating. I guess it's hard not to at least wonder. But it wouldn't mean the end of my feelings, unless I was already reaaaaallly on the fence.

 

And I also think that you explained yourself really well - actually, mentioning your past seems like it was not only appropriate but necessary to explain what was going on. It sounds like you were honest and straightforward, and hopefully she'll appreciate that properly. I don't think you have anything to reproach yourself with.

 

The only thing I'd say is that maybe it was a little soon for you to date again. But hey, sometimes you just meet the right person when you meet her. I hope it works out for you.

[Holding-On]

Yes.

 

Well you explained yourself really well and she explained herself really well. She doesn't want to have sex with someone who isn't her boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that. It seems you are still dating each other. In time you may get back to this place.

 

If I asked someone to be my boyfriend and he said, no, not right now, my feelings would lessen a bit. I would back off. I wouldn't run away but if I were her I would feel both hurt and that you honestly weren't ready for that level of committment (as your story collaborates - you talk about needing to heal). So yes, emotionally, I would hear "back off a bit" and I would.