Which is worse, an EA or PA?

[Snowflower]

you continually refer to what "he says". He being your husband. Do you really think he would tell you, whilst trying to save your marriage that he was in love with his other woman? Or that he had feelings for her? He successfully had an affair, he is certainly smart enough to do damage control now.

 

Please, be very careful in what you choose to believe, no matter how much you want to believe it.

 

Problem was, he wasn't successfully having an affair. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't do what I should have-confronted him or really looked for the evidence because as dumb as it sounds, I trusted him at that point.

 

But yes, he could be doing damage control now and if I find out that my H continues or starts up the affair again, then I will move forward as I feel I need to, which would most likely mean a divorce.

 

But honestly, if he really did have feelings or was in love with this other woman, why would he even attempt to fix our marriage? There would be no point and trust me, I would be able to tell if his heart wasn't in it.

 

Sure, anybody can carry on with two people at once, it is possible-but the emotional toll for the WS would eventually catch up with them. The WS would slip up, make a mistake or whatever. I'm more vigilant now, that's all.

[taylor]

Problem was, he wasn't successfully having an affair. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't do what I should have-confronted him or really looked for the evidence because as dumb as it sounds, I trusted him at that point.

But yes, he could be doing damage control now and if I find out that my H continues or starts up the affair again, then I will move forward as I feel I need to, which would most likely mean a divorce.

But honestly, if he really did have feelings or was in love with this other woman, why would he even attempt to fix our marriage? There would be no point and trust me, I would be able to tell if his heart wasn't in it.

Sure, anybody can carry on with two people at once, it is possible-but the emotional toll for the WS would eventually catch up with them. The WS would slip up, make a mistake or whatever. I'm more vigilant now, that's all.

 

 

happyatlast - I admitted to my husband that I fell in love with my OM. I confessed 6 months into marital recovery. That's how long it took for me to admit it to myself, let alone divulge it to him.

 

There came a point in our marital recovery that would not let us move forward until I admitted this to myself and to my husband. It was causing a snag in the progress of the marital recovery and it needed to be addressed in order to move forward.

 

Snowflower - Yes, it is possible to carry on with two people at one time and yes, eventually it does take its toll and catches up with the WS.

 

It is also possible to begin marital recovery while feelings still linger for the affair partner. Connections, feelings, memories die hard. But it is possible for a WS to recommit to his marriage in spite of this if they value their marriage and don't want to lose it.

 

The WS has the difficult task of dealing with emotional withdrawal from the affair and addressing the marital issues that led to the affair...all at the same time. It is very difficult in the aftermath of an EA to disconnect from the affair partner and attempt to reconnect with the BS simultaneously. The disconnection has to be successful in order for the reconnection to be possible.

 

And yes, you WILL know if your husband's heart is in it or not. You will know if he is able to disconnect from the affair successfully or not. You will FEEL it. My husband became very keenly aware of the days when I was having trouble letting go..when memories or fantasies of the OM took over. It came and it went for months, but he always knew. He could sense a distancing..a detachment..changes in mood and behavior. You will be too if it should happen to your husband. You may sense him pulling away from you or shutting down at times. And then, before you know it, he's back in the game.

 

So if you hit a snag in your recovery, consider possible residual feelings your husband may have from the affair. I'm not talking just about feelings of love or lust, but also feelings of guilt or self-hatred. I went thru an awful period several months after D-day where I utterly hated myself for what I did and didn't feel like I deserved to be loved by anyone..especially my husband. This greatly affected our marital recovery for a long time. I wouldn't let my husband get close to me..not because of feelings I had for the OM, but because I did not feel like I deserved my husband's love anymore. I needed to forgive myself for what I had done before I could let him love me again.

 

Many BS wish their WS would just focus on marital recovery and marital issues and totally forget about the affair as if it never existed. But putting an affair in perspective and being able to successfully put it in the past (bury it) is a process that takes time. And unfortunately it requires a BS to be patient IF they want the marriage to recover. It's very unfair, but it is nonetheless the reality of the situation.

 

Know that you and your husband are both processing the events of the past few months, but in different ways. He is processing the beginning, middle and end of an affair and his decision to stray. You are processing his betrayal, doubts regarding his lack of committment, and trust and forgiveness issues. And you are both processing the issues that led to a weakening of your marriage.

 

You are coming into marital recovery from different angles. But the more processing that takes place, the closer you will allign.

[HappyAtLast]

It is good that you are more vigilent, right now, as much as it is important to try to rebuild in your marriage, it is just as important that you make sure that you protect yourself.

 

You said he was not "successfully HAVING an affair". That is not what i said, though. I said he "successfully HAD". Which, he DID. But, I am not necessarily suggesting that he is doing damage control, or that he is still having or will continue to have the affair. What I AM saying is that, right now at least, just because he says something, does not mean that you should believe it 100%.

 

As far as having feelings for, or being in love with, the other woman - just read the stories on this board. Lots of folks have affairs, have real feelings for their affair partners, but choose their spouse. MOST times, that is what happens. But, by someone choosing their spouse, does NOT mean that they did not have real feelings for their affair partner.. those two are not mutually exclusive. I know that it is much easier for you if you believe that he had no feelings for his affair partner. But, if he did, it would not mean his heart was not truly 100% committed to repairing your marriage.

 

Again, I am not saying that he is still carrying on with this woman. But, a spouse that has cheated often goes through a whirlwind of emotions after ending an affair. You said that his affair partner had separated from her husband. It is possible that your husband only confessed to you because she threatened to tell you.

 

My point is that there are so many possible alternatives to what actually happened, what is going through your husband's mind, how he really feels. None of which you can be 100% certain of, especially if this is what he tells you at this point. You need to make sure that you allow yourself to at least be open to some of the possibilities that others on this board are talking about. You said that you trusted him, right? And did not think that he would have an affair. But, that turned out to not be true. You didn't want to believe it (no judgement.. who does?), but, it was true.

 

Please just allow yourself to be open to the possibilities that the scenarios others have painted on this thread could also be true. That way if some of them unfortunately turn out to be true, you will not be devastated once again.

 

Make sense?

[HappyAtLast]

Taylor - I appreciate what you are saying. You confessed to your husband your feelings for your affair partner six months in. I don't believe that Snowflower and her husband are that far into their recovery. I believe they are in the first few months still, way too early to see how things will finally fall.

[taylor]

Taylor - I appreciate what you are saying. You confessed to your husband your feelings for your affair partner six months in. I don't believe that Snowflower and her husband are that far into their recovery. I believe they are in the first few months still, way too early to see how things will finally fall.

 

I hear what you are saying here, HappyAtLast.

 

Every couple's marital recovery will look different than the next couple's. And their timeline will be different as well.

 

What my truth is regarding my affair is different from what the OP's husband's truth is regarding his affair.

 

But alot of times that truth will come out in spurts, over time...something commonly referred to here as trickle truth. BS hate it because they think the WS is witholding or denying truth. While this is true to some extent, I also found, at least in my case, that the truth came out over time as I had a chance to process the whole affair. It's a process of recognizing the affair for what it was and what it wasn't..separating the fantasy from the reality, understanding the reality, accepting it and then admitting it.

 

The OP should be aware that more "truth" may be forthcoming from her husband.

[HappyAtLast]

I hear what you are saying here, HappyAtLast.

 

The OP should be aware that more "truth" may be forthcoming from her husband.

 

Taylor, yes, that is what I've been trying to say (not nearly as succinctly as you did, however). The OP "does not know what she does not know."

[Snowflower]

taylor and happyatlast, thank you for your replies. You both have given me things to think about.

 

It has been a hard week for my husband and me with this. I don't know if it from me thinking about what has been said here or not.

 

I honestly think my H has processed whatever the affair meant in his mind. I think he did that a long time ago-probably about the time he confessed. He has said that he is now able to look back on it and see what a huge, stupid thing that it was and feels like he can just "put it in a box" so to speak and put it out of his life. He wants to concentrate on our marriage.

 

happyatlast, I don't believe everything he says. But, he has appeared to be as honest as he can about things. Not once, since we "recommitted" to saving our marriage about 4 months ago have I caught him in any inconsistencies of the truth. Not that this means that he definitely isn't lying, but that he has been very straightforward and consistent with what happened. It has taken a long time and a lot of work to come this far. We are still working on it and it is very, very difficult sometimes-like this week has been.

 

taylor, I can feel that his heart has been in it. I know what you mean by the detachment, the distancing that you speak of when you talked about what you were going through. I would most certainly recognize that detachment in him again and I really hope that it doesn't come back. But yes, I couldn't figure out why, after he confessed, that he continued to be so easily detached from time to time. He couldn't even understand it. This makes more sense now. The detachment seemed to stop after we really began to communicate with each other.

 

The trickle-truth scares me and I can see how that would happen. At least I will be prepared for it if it does. We talked for a long time last night about difficult things--nothing new was really brought to light but I am emotionally exhausted today and I am the one who feels distant from him at this point.

[Snowflower]

 

 

And yes, you WILL know if your husband's heart is in it or not. You will know if he is able to disconnect from the affair successfully or not. You will FEEL it. My husband became very keenly aware of the days when I was having trouble letting go..when memories or fantasies of the OM took over. It came and it went for months, but he always knew. He could sense a distancing..a detachment..changes in mood and behavior. You will be too if it should happen to your husband. You may sense him pulling away from you or shutting down at times. And then, before you know it, he's back in the game.

 

So if you hit a snag in your recovery, consider possible residual feelings your husband may have from the affair. I'm not talking just about feelings of love or lust, but also feelings of guilt or self-hatred. I went thru an awful period several months after D-day where I utterly hated myself for what I did and didn't feel like I deserved to be loved by anyone..especially my husband. This greatly affected our marital recovery for a long time. I wouldn't let my husband get close to me..not because of feelings I had for the OM, but because I did not feel like I deserved my husband's love anymore. I needed to forgive myself for what I had done before I could let him love me again.

 

Many BS wish their WS would just focus on marital recovery and marital issues and totally forget about the affair as if it never existed. But putting an affair in perspective and being able to successfully put it in the past (bury it) is a process that takes time. And unfortunately it requires a BS to be patient IF they want the marriage to recover. It's very unfair, but it is nonetheless the reality of the situation.

 

 

 

 

Know that you and your husband are both processing the events of the past few months, but in different ways. He is processing the beginning, middle and end of an affair and his decision to stray. You are processing his betrayal, doubts regarding his lack of committment, and trust and forgiveness issues. And you are both processing the issues that led to a weakening of your marriage.

 

You are coming into marital recovery from different angles. But the more processing that takes place, the closer you will allign.

taylor, I know exactly what you mean about the distancing. In my case, I felt it with my husband before he confessed. For at least 2 months before d-day, he would try to reconnect with me at times and then turn around and be distant. It was so hard for me to deal with!

 

But yes, I know now that disconnection has been made-whatever it was. taylor, your posts have helped me understand this. I remember it very clearly-we had been talking about our future together-it was about 2 weeks after he confessed. He had still been acting distant one minute and then wanting to connect with me the next as he had done for months. I was so tired of it at that point.

 

Then suddenly during the course of our conversation that day, it was like a light went on (his words) and that he could suddenly see everything so clearly. My H still talks about it now...how obvious everything was at that point. And, as best as I can tell, he has never been distant from me again. It was like I had my husband back again-including his mind, soul, heart, whatever.

 

 

I agree with the processing being different for both of us. I like the way you have interpreted it because that is what we have both been doing...in MC and on our own. Our MC has been impressed on how well we have been able to talk on our own. Sometimes in C, we talk about what we have been working on our own and she is surprised at our ability to process on our own together. She says it is rather unusual that a couple can do that so successfully on their own. I feel like we have been processing this for months.

 

thanks again for your thoughts about the recovery process, taylor. A lot of what you said is right on target. I think my husband's timeline was different from yours but that is to be expected. Everyone is different.

 

Right now, after our difficult conversation last night it feels like we will never align like you are saying. It's me that feels distant. But hopefully that is just a temporary snag like you have mentioned.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

[taylor]

Right now, after our difficult conversation last night it feels like we will never align like you are saying. It's me that feels distant. But hopefully that is just a temporary snag like you have mentioned.

 

Snowflower,

 

I am so glad to hear you and your husband are talking AND truly communicating. It's key to recovery.

 

My husband and I talked ourselves to exhaustion night after night for months. There were MANY difficult conversations. These conversations made us step back from each other...we needed to do that to process the information and the thoughts and feelings that came from that information. Sometimes we had to stop conversations mid-stream because of information overload. It's OK to distance yourself for awhile. And it's normal to feel somewhat distant after an uncomfortable conversation. You aren't talking sunshine and rainbows with your husband. You are tackling some heavy duty subjects here. There's bound to be some bruising, some out-of-breath moments where you need a time out to regroup. This just tells me you are doing the hard work of marital recovery.

 

Marital recovery is a dance. You take one step forward and two steps back. You step on each other's toes. You kick each other in the shins. And sometimes you hold each other in a warm embrace and move in perfect rhythm. It takes time. Baby steps. You are going to get through this. As will I. We just have to hold on to the desire to keep dancing, even if our partner steps on our toes once in a while.

 

A suggestion..when you and your husband find yourselves completely whipped out from talking about the marriage...set it aside for a day or two and try to go have some fun...get some fresh air...find something new and exhilerating to do..something that can put a smile on both of your faces. Sometimes you just have to get away from it for a while.

 

There are other posters here doing the dance of marital recovery. I hope they will take time to post to you as well.

[Snowflower]

 

My husband and I talked ourselves to exhaustion night after night for months. There were MANY difficult conversations. These conversations made us step back from each other...we needed to do that to process the information and the thoughts and feelings that came from that information. Sometimes we had to stop conversations mid-stream because of information overload. It's OK to distance yourself for awhile. And it's normal to feel somewhat distant after an uncomfortable conversation. You aren't talking sunshine and rainbows with your husband. You are tackling some heavy duty subjects here. There's bound to be some bruising, some out-of-breath moments where you need a time out to regroup. This just tells me you are doing the hard work of marital recovery.

 

Marital recovery is a dance. You take one step forward and two steps back. You step on each other's toes. You kick each other in the shins. And sometimes you hold each other in a warm embrace and move in perfect rhythm. It takes time. Baby steps. You are going to get through this. As will I. We just have to hold on to the desire to keep dancing, even if our partner steps on our toes once in a while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marital recovery is a dance. You take one step forward and two steps back. You step on each other's toes. You kick each other in the shins. And sometimes you hold each other in a warm embrace and move in perfect rhythm. It takes time. Baby steps. You are going to get through this. As will I. We just have to hold on to the desire to keep dancing, even if our partner steps on our toes once in a while.

 

A suggestion..when you and your husband find yourselves completely whipped out from talking about the marriage...set it aside for a day or two and try to go have some fun...get some fresh air...find something new and exhilerating to do..something that can put a smile on both of your faces. Sometimes you just have to get away from it for a while.

 

Yes, this is exactly what my H and I have been doing for months now, talking, talking, talking, after our kids were in settled for the night. We would be exhausted but we made so much progress in that first month especially.

 

I hope you and your husband are doing well in your recovery, too. It is exhausting work. I feel like we have run up against a brick wall this week-almost like we are going backwards in the process. But, past experience with this has already taught me that sometimes it is by stepping back somehow, almost like backsliding, is what seems to happen before we make it over another bump or hurdle in recovery. I don't know if that makes sense...but it is like he and I have to regroup somehow before we go forward again. It's weird. I've never had to work through anything this difficult and draining before.

 

I know exactly what you mean and sometimes I think not talking about it for a few helps us heal and move forward even more. Sometimes, believe it or not, I think I'm making too big of deal about everything. It was horrible, but sometimes, at least for a little while, I can adopt a s*** happens type of attitude. It's a nice mental break. And, it's good to get outside and away!