BCCA Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I’m sure many of you already know my story, so I’ll just get to my point. I’ve been hurting lately, and shes been on my mind a lot. I know that I really should just leave well enough alone, and move on with my life, but I feel like there is something inside my head telling me to try and make amends. I don’t want to spend anymore of my life worrying that I’ll run into her, or that she’ll assume I hate her forever. While I cant control what she thinks, I still want to walk away without trying to burry the hatchett. Her dad was very sick when we split. I just want to send a simple card saying I hope your dad is ok, and that things are going alright for all of you. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t want to ask her to hang out, or talk about us or the relationship. I’m not going to rush to see her if she asks, and I’m not interested in getting back together. I don’t expect a line of communication to be opened up, or for her to ‘realize’ she made a mistake. Those are unrealistic expectations. I want to send a card vs a text/email, because I don’t want there to be a simple ‘reply’ button. If she wants to reply, she can take the time. And if not, then that’s perfectly fine, too. Truth be told, this is as much about her dad as it is about her, but I don’t want to drag her family into our mess. They were good to me, and always wished the best for us. So, talk me out of it. I have a card I just bought, and I was getting ready to write it out, but I’m thinking it could be a bad idea for the reasons I give people all the time. She’ll just think I’m still pinning, it will be a waste, etc… Thanks all.
wanthimbackwithme Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Hey BCCA, stop being so hard on yourself - you know what you have to do (or not as the case maybe). Read all your threads where you have been helping everyone else. Is she really worth your time? As much as you say its for her father, is there no-way you can contact a relative of hers to ask? And if she comes up in the conversation just say you'd rather not speak about it? That way you're not dragging them into it either??? I don't know, all our situations are different, but hard for each and every one of us! Sorry I've not been much help. Good luck whatever you decide.
Author BCCA Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 Well, I threw the card in my drawer. Not sending it out today, or ever probably. I dont feel like its a great idea, and I really dont see any reason to worry about time. There is nobody in her family I can talk to. I cant contact them, I dont have any numbers, and I doubt they would even really want to take my calls for fear of getting involved. Oh well. I'm going to let it go.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 BCCA, I think that's wise to not send the card. You've had your finality from her, now it's time to give yourself some finality by forgiving yourself. Let her go. It's why you're unable to drum up serious interest in anyone else. Women can tell when you're only half-heartedly interested or interested by reflex.
Author BCCA Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 BCCA, I think that's wise to not send the card. You've had your finality from her, now it's time to give yourself some finality by forgiving yourself. Let her go. It's why you're unable to drum up serious interest in anyone else. Women can tell when you're only half-heartedly interested or interested by reflex. I know. It's just hard to get yourself there. Its like, Im not hung up on getting back together, but my mind is still in pieces. I have been really interested in women before, but I suppose its not fair to waste anyones time until Im completely over it. I guess I'm in the sucky part of this ordeal, where you dont want your ex back, but you know you cant really offer anyone else everything you should right now. Time...I know it will heal all wounds, but I was hoping to be in better shape after 6 months. I think it might take me most of this year to really digest everything being over. Again, its not even that I want her back at all, its just that I feel sort of like damaged goods.
Trialbyfire Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I know. It's just hard to get yourself there. Its like, Im not hung up on getting back together, but my mind is still in pieces. I have been really interested in women before, but I suppose its not fair to waste anyones time until Im completely over it. I guess I'm in the sucky part of this ordeal, where you dont want your ex back, but you know you cant really offer anyone else everything you should right now. Time...I know it will heal all wounds, but I was hoping to be in better shape after 6 months. I think it might take me most of this year to really digest everything being over. Again, its not even that I want her back at all, its just that I feel sort of like damaged goods. You're far from damaged goods. You're human and it takes time to heal a deep hurt. Seriously, in wanting to reach out to her, you're looking for forgiveness from her, where you and only you, need to forgive yourself. Her opinion doesn't count anymore. Let go.
northstar1 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I’m sure many of you already know my story, so I’ll just get to my point. I’ve been hurting lately, and shes been on my mind a lot. I know that I really should just leave well enough alone, and move on with my life, but I feel like there is something inside my head telling me to try and make amends. I don’t want to spend anymore of my life worrying that I’ll run into her, or that she’ll assume I hate her forever. While I cant control what she thinks, I still want to walk away without trying to burry the hatchett. Her dad was very sick when we split. I just want to send a simple card saying I hope your dad is ok, and that things are going alright for all of you. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t want to ask her to hang out, or talk about us or the relationship. I’m not going to rush to see her if she asks, and I’m not interested in getting back together. I don’t expect a line of communication to be opened up, or for her to ‘realize’ she made a mistake. Those are unrealistic expectations. I want to send a card vs a text/email, because I don’t want there to be a simple ‘reply’ button. If she wants to reply, she can take the time. And if not, then that’s perfectly fine, too. Truth be told, this is as much about her dad as it is about her, but I don’t want to drag her family into our mess. They were good to me, and always wished the best for us. So, talk me out of it. I have a card I just bought, and I was getting ready to write it out, but I’m thinking it could be a bad idea for the reasons I give people all the time. She’ll just think I’m still pinning, it will be a waste, etc… Thanks all. BCCA, you've been one of the most rational posters on here the past few months, so I'll try and give you some of the advice you gave others. It's very nice of you to think about her father, no doubt, BUT as you've said, it's also a reason to be in contact. Not to be a jerk, but when someone breaks up with you, and you are still healing (and I would say you probably still are to a degree), all rights to communication, and support etc go with it. I just don't want to see you go through any pain if you send something and she doesn't reply, or it ends up being more 'games' etc.
chrissreef Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I would send it, I hate running into someone and pretending i don't see them or it's awkward. At least this sort of ends it on a "high/good" note I would add to it though "please don't read into it" or something so she doesn't get the wrong idea. I don't know your story or how long it's been etc. For me, I'm in NC mode but really want to say hi to her parents (probably bad idea as I think they're hurt) and also send her a letter just saying hi, being playful and not talking about our relationship at all, just hello so we're for sure on good terms. I was advised not to, and even if I sent it, she wouldn't reply. It's sad how such wonderful relationships/connections between lovers can end so poorly. Even an honest "hello" seems hard for some =( edit: just curious, you sound like you've been on these boards a while. is reading the boards keeping her in your mind? i've been here like a week and I'm thinking I need to not visit after another in order to stop thinking/comparing other people's issues with my own. I'll be back in the future for sure... but needing lady advice once I've found one =)
Author BCCA Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 edit: just curious, you sound like you've been on these boards a while. is reading the boards keeping her in your mind? i've been here like a week and I'm thinking I need to not visit after another in order to stop thinking/comparing other people's issues with my own. I'll be back in the future for sure... but needing lady advice once I've found one =) I come here only when I'm passing the time. Initially, it was hard to resist and I found myself rehashing my pain everytime I came. I take a few days off when I feel like I'm in a rut. FYI, didnt send the card, and wont. Its over, done.
audrey_1 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 BCCA, you seem like such a nice guy, and nice guys will never finish last with me. I think putting the card in the drawer was the right thing to do. You bought it with the best intentions, but sometimes they're best left as only that - intent. Your words to others have helped me a lot. I struggle with NC every day, with this soul who I have deep, inexplicable feelings for, a true rarity for me, but they're unrequited. So, you move on. You have to. Life is too precious to waste, isn't it? There's so much more out there. So many more people, places, experiences. You just one day finally draw your line in the sand and stay on your side for good in order to heal once and for all. I found the comments about bringing family into it interesting. The last straw with me, where I wanted to ensure there was NO going back without looking like a complete tool, was emailing his mother, telling him to help me get him to completely back out of my life. Our business dealings are over, so there's no need for us to be in contact. He wants to send me a "birthday surprise." It's next week. I asked her to tell him breadcrumbs are for birds. I tried, he rejected me. Now get him to leave me alone, I simply won't spend another second on her clueless, heartless tool of a son. Ah, that made me feel better. Whatever his reasons are for not wanting to be with me are fully within his rights, though. It is fully within mine to reject any attempts by him to include me in his life in any way going forward. It is only for his selfish purposes. I want none of it. Sorry to unload a bit about my situation into your post, but we're kind of running parallel with our feelings in our situations. I drop by once in a while and troll the posts, as it does seem I do make more progress when I'm not mired in the sadness of others as well as my own, but I just wanted to tell you you're doing the right thing and to hang in there. Best, Audrey
Author BCCA Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Its really sad when you come to the realization that not only are you probably never going to hear from them again, its probably for the best. I think breadcrumbs are worse, but sometimes, silence isnt much better. Thanks for the kind words, Audrey. I drew my line in the sand, and I have to stay on this side of it, for good. Reaching out to someone who obviously doesnt care enough about me is indeed a waste of time. I guess its human nature to not understand how someone can just walk away without even a peek back in your direction, but thats reality, and you either accept it and move on, or you stay stuck in limbo forever while your ex moves on with their life. This is one of the worst experiences of my life, honestly. Its nice to learn new things from every relationship, it just sucks that it has to be bad stuff to look out for next time.
northstar1 Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Its really sad when you come to the realization that not only are you probably never going to hear from them again, its probably for the best. I think breadcrumbs are worse, but sometimes, silence isnt much better. Thanks for the kind words, Audrey. I drew my line in the sand, and I have to stay on this side of it, for good. Reaching out to someone who obviously doesnt care enough about me is indeed a waste of time. I guess its human nature to not understand how someone can just walk away without even a peek back in your direction, but thats reality, and you either accept it and move on, or you stay stuck in limbo forever while your ex moves on with their life. This is one of the worst experiences of my life, honestly. Its nice to learn new things from every relationship, it just sucks that it has to be bad stuff to look out for next time. It is very hard. I know NC is the way to keep going with, but sometimes it is very hard to rationalize that the person that not too long ago was meshed into your daily life,and whom wanted to talk to you every day, and see you, and cared deeply about you, is not someone with whom you have no contact at all. I agree you have to accept it to move on with life, and the past is the past, but damn, sometimes I think "Is this really the same person I was with?"
Surfer Dude Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 It is very hard. I know NC is the way to keep going with, but sometimes it is very hard to rationalize that the person that not too long ago was meshed into your daily life,and whom wanted to talk to you every day, and see you, and cared deeply about you, is not someone with whom you have no contact at all. I agree you have to accept it to move on with life, and the past is the past, but damn, sometimes I think "Is this really the same person I was with?" It's really hard to see this kind of world, where someone who meant so much to you, is someone you can't even say hello to. I sometimes (rarely) have a bad day or two, and it feels really sad that I can't even talk to her. People who were once connected, who shared everything, whose souls were one - are now strangers. That's life, and it's best to accept that. We all had great times with our exs and we should cherish those times, be thankful for having those good memories and experiences that built our characters and personalities. I'd rather have those memories of good times, than never having experienced them at all. Besides, our exs are alive and well and they're probably doing fine. As much as my ex upset me in the past (and still sometimes does by breaking nc), I do care for her deep down in my heart, but I understand that contact would be detrimental for both of us, and it would absolutely be of no benefit for either. Hang in there man... life is good, don't waste it on grieving.
gwynieatpain Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Hey BCCA, You sounds a wonderful guy. I have been reading your threads and posts, you know you have been helping a lot of people on this forum, I'm one of them. "Life is too short to be unhappy", where I quoted it from my selfish ex, and that's the only wise words I learnt from him. Many of the LSers have posted good advices already. I'm here just because I want to be one of them to cheer you up. You are not alone.
EmperorR Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Hey BCCA I know its hard but dont do it, heck yesterday I had a dream aobut my ex woke up and was going to send her a text then I said hell no. She's the one who cheated shes the one who dumped me and never tried to contact me in 6 months. I don't hate her but I came this far 6 months NC to turn back and mess it up again. Stay strong my man, trust me I doubt she is thinking of you and worrying about you so much.
RecordProducer Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Why not send the card to her dad then? Or even call him. Are you really interested in his health that much or is it to show her that you're a fine man? I do get your point about feeling stupid though. My husband dumped me and I don't call any of his relatives, not even his mom with whom I am very close. Because I don't want him to think that I am finding ways to sneak back into his web - like I would care to do that after how he treated me. You know, it sounds nice, but the card is too much. You thought about her (dad), you went and bought a card and sent it. If he is still ill, call him and say "I wanted to know how you were doing." Be short and when they ask you how you're doing tell them "Work is fine, everything is great and... I am going to be a father in 8 months!"
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