Aerorobyn Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 First off, I'm going to apologize for making this so long. I just think I should start from the beginning, with everything that has happened, to get the best advice on how to handle this situation. My [ex] boyfriend and I were together four months shy of two years. This past Saturday, the 14th, he broke up with me. On the 13th, he spent the night at my house. It was a Friday night, we went to a late showing, and he'd planned to stay over here because of that. Saturday morning we woke up, and I was happy when waking up. About an hour later, a family member said something that REALLY upset me. And when I get upset, I can't help but to take it out on anyone who comes near me. I took it out on my boyfriend--I didn't cuss him or slap him, I just told him I didn't want to be near him at the moment that I needed space. I got it, we talked this over, and went to get some lunch together. While sitting in the car eating lunch, something came up and he said, "after our last little argument 2 months ago, I have been questioning this relationship...whether or not it can really work or not. I'm not sure that it can". I got upset about this--again, I did NOT cuss him, hit him, or anything. I just got really sad inside that he felt that way after nearly two years, and he'd never said anything before now. And he saw the sadness on my face. I told him I'd just like to go home. So he drove me home, and he tried to give me a kiss...but I could not give him a kiss due to being so sad still. So I got out and sat down on the curb. A minute later, he jumps out of the car and tells me, "It's OVER! I can't take it anymore! We're done!" And he gets in his car and takes off. I was devastated. He tried calling me almost two hours later, but I didn't wanna talk...I needed time. A couple of more hours later, we talked on the phone. And nothing I said, not even I love you and things will and can get better, changed his thought. He said, "Im just trying to make the right decision. I am not completely sure whether breaking things off is the right decision or not...but right now, at this point, I think it's right and I'm sticking to my decision". He says he still loves me and still wants a relationship with me, but at the same time he does not want a relationship right now. I don't fully understand this. I TRUST him! When he says he loves me, I know he does. When he says there's nobody else, I know it. But I don't understand how he wants to be with me, but doesn't...he doesn't think it'll last. He thinks I'm wasting my time with him because he "wont be able to provide me with the future I want"...for goodness sakes though, we're only 20-21! I'm not looking for marriage right now, I just want to be his girlfriend and his love, and see where time takes us! Now he's going through tough times. We're in college, and he is constantly pressured by his father to do extremely well in classes so he'll get into medical or pharmacy school. He also suffers from depression, and has emotion problems. I think he may even have a bipolar disorder. So I know he's stressed right now, which is why I told him (and I meant it) that even through this break up I'm always going to stand beside him. Anyways, it's been like five days since the break up. Nothing has changed. He still contacts me, still wants to be friends with me. He just says he's not sure about anything and needs time. He says that for right now, it's over for good...but he's not sure if it's forever. He's hoping, but not sure, that things may or may not pick up later. He just says give it time...and in a month or so, Maybe we can reevalute things and see if we can manage being together again. We both had wrongs in this relationship. Yes, I could be a little bit jealous at times--I never ever accused him of cheating on me though. And he could be clingy at times, which I didn't always like, but accepted becase it's part of who he is. And I truly, honestly, love that man. I'm gonna work on my problems (i.e. the jealousy) though...I've got an appointment with a counselor Monday morning at 9:00. I'm gonna start talking to a counselor once or twice a week. I've suggested to him that we could try working things out...by going and talking to a counselor together. But he didn't give me an answer. Just that we need to let some time pass. I don't know what to think of this. I'm honestly hoping for a second chance at this relationship, but I'm thinking that he is just so stubborn, he will never ever be willing to come back. I don't know though. Neither does he. Advice? Help? Thank you.
chrissreef Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Sorry for your pain... my fiancee of 2.5 yrs said similar things "right now, it's over for good...but he's not sure if it's forever" She says she wants me in her future but not sure how and that she needs lots of time to get to know herself... supposedly 6-12+ months. She's also said she loves me but she won't really talk to me so I'm trying to do no contact now after 2.5 months of trying to get her back. i think the difference is mine cheated and is now dating the guy where as yours isn't. The advice iv'e been given here is basically do no contact until they basically say they want to work things out. I've also been told that lines like "i want to be friends" and "not sure about the future" or "happy xyz holiday" are just BS lines because the person can't just come out and say something/call it off, or it makes them feel better about themselves... like it's not them, they're still trying to be the "nice" person. Things like "i still love you" - well, i've been told not to read into it because everyone still loves their ex's, no one wants something bad to happen to one of them. Love doesn't mean they're "in love" or that the attraction is still there. Anyway, that's the advice i got on this site. I'm at almost 3 monthssince mine left and it hurts daily. If there wasn't someone else involved I'm almost positive we'd be working this out... but while he's around and her mind is occupied having fun/going on dates, hope for me is slim until they have problems. Hope that helps!
WTRanger Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 First off, this isn't all his fault as you have put it. He's not the stubborn one, I think you are. You get upset at something your boyfriend didn't even do, IE your family member making you mad, and you take it out on him? I don't blame him for leaving you or questioning the relationship. He's probably tired of being the brunt of your anger and things he didn't even know happened. He's probably tired of trying to comfort you and you just push him away because of your inability to deal with your own emotions. The final straw was how you acted during lunch, you go distant when you shouldn't and he probably had enough of it. You don't have to cuss, yell, hit or anything else. From the way you acted you didn't have to do those. Happy one second and telling him in so many words to "piss off" gave him enough signals. He's trying to help you and you just pout on the curb like a toddler who doesn't get their way. No wonder he left. You get mad at him all the time it sounds like, so why are you so shocked when he finally gets mad at you? So stop blaming him for all of this. It takes two to tango as it has been said so many times on this board.
Truly Lost Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Aww, I'm sorry you are hurting. He is trying to leave his options open in case somewhere down the line he changes his mind. He most definately had been thinking about breaking up with you at least a few times. Discussions like breaking up with someone don't just pop out of nowhere. Things happened that built up to his wanting to end the relationship. My advice is to leave your ex alone. Let reality sink in. He will need time to miss you. But don't count on him coming back, just because you gave him space. Use this time to heal your broken heart. Second chances are possible, but the issue that broke you two up will have to be addressed and fixed first, otherwise another break up will surely happen.
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