Untouchable_Fire Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 About 18 months ago I asked this girl out who works in customer service. She told me that because she doesn't date outside her race, she wasn't interested. Now, I can understand her feelings because she has a young son and I can see where it would be good for him to have a positive father figure that he can relate to in that way. So, no big deal. We are decent friends and joke around a lot when I am in the office. Yesterday, we went to lunch and she said that she had changed her mind and that if I was still interested she would be willing to go on a few dates with me. This constitutes a huge change in her belief structure, so I asked what caused the change of mind. She said that it feels like there are no men of her race available, because they are either taken, or date interracially. Here is the part where I need some advice. I got really upset, because that whole explanation makes me feel like I'm not her first choice. In fact, it really makes me feel like she is just "settling". I have not told her yes or no. It might be fun to take her on a few dates and see where it goes, but I also feel like it's not worth the time... cause honestly... I think she is racist. But... then why would she date me? Any thoughts? I'm kind of lost on this.
dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I too would feel like a second choice. I wouldn't go for it, but that's just me. I don't want to be someone's next best thing. I want someone to be interested in me for me, not because they can't find what they are really looking for.
pinkmarble Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I would just take what she said with a grain of salt. How likely is it that she told you exactly how she was thinking and feeling to such a casual question? What if she heard you say that you thought dating her would be "fun," but her idea of dating is not for kicks, so she decided you weren't worth it? That wouldn't be fair to you, who knows if you only date for fun? There's a difference between racism and not wanting to date outside one's culture. I didn't want to date outside my race either, but I fell for a guy who was. We had a few initial problems with the racial divide, but after a few years, the difference meant nothing. I think you should give it a chance. Or at least tell her how you feel and give her a chance to better explain how she feels.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 There's a difference between racism and not wanting to date outside one's culture. I didn't want to date outside my race either, but I fell for a guy who was. We had a few initial problems with the racial divide, but after a few years, the difference meant nothing. I think you should give it a chance. Or at least tell her how you feel and give her a chance to better explain how she feels. She is someone that I would take serious if I dated her. If she isn't some kind of racist... why did she turn me down the first time on the sole basis of race? That's one of the things I am having a hard time with. Culture is a completely different issue. We are both from middle class families in U.S. so we both have the exact same culture!! Maybe I just don't understand where she is coming from.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I dont date outside my race, which is to say I dont date anyone who is not a german-cuban mi
dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I would just take what she said with a grain of salt. How likely is it that she told you exactly how she was thinking and feeling to such a casual question? What if she heard you say that you thought dating her would be "fun," but her idea of dating is not for kicks, so she decided you weren't worth it? That wouldn't be fair to you, who knows if you only date for fun? There's a difference between racism and not wanting to date outside one's culture. I didn't want to date outside my race either, but I fell for a guy who was. We had a few initial problems with the racial divide, but after a few years, the difference meant nothing. I think you should give it a chance. Or at least tell her how you feel and give her a chance to better explain how she feels. Even if it wasn't about race, it took her 18 months to decide she wants to date OP? Even without race as an excuse, I'd still feel less the what she wanted.
Shygirl15 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 She may not be racist, just undecided, perhaps because she's afraid of negative reactions from either public or her 'people'. I think you could take her on few dates and see where it goes. I was in the same position for a while, and I know I'm not racist at all.
pinkmarble Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 She is someone that I would take serious if I dated her. If she isn't some kind of racist... why did she turn me down the first time on the sole basis of race? That's one of the things I am having a hard time with. Culture is a completely different issue. We are both from middle class families in U.S. so we both have the exact same culture!! Maybe I just don't understand where she is coming from. Sometimes racial attraction is a part of sexual attraction. Not to cross-quote, but I was just reading a thread where the poster is only attracted to members of another race/culture. That is not racism, it's attraction. Culture and class are not the same thing. You, as whatever race you are, and she, as whatever race she is, have different experiences despite living in similar environments. Please don't write her off as a racist without further understanding her self and character, especially since, as you said, she is willing to date you. Even if it wasn't about race, it took her 18 months to decide she wants to date OP? Even without race as an excuse, I'd still feel less the what she wanted. That sounds to me more of a self-esteem problem than something that is a problem with the other person, though I'm no expert. Just to pose another scenario, suppose race was a deciding factor at first, but 18 months of friendship later, she decided that she does see a possible future with him and is willing to overcome the racial barriers? OP, I am just saying, if you like her, then give it a chance. No one is omniscient. I myself would rather try it than not try it.
dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 That sounds to me more of a self-esteem problem than something that is a problem with the other person, though I'm no expert. Just to pose another scenario, suppose race was a deciding factor at first, but 18 months of friendship later, she decided that she does see a possible future with him and is willing to overcome the racial barriers? But she only decided this after she came to the conclusion that there is no one in her race for her, as in, if there was, she would be with that person. To me, if that's an issue for OP, it's not a self esteem one, it's just not wanting to be the next best thing. It would be another thing should she have been seeing someone else, or just not wanting a relationship at that point in her life. But she rejected OP based on his race, then after she tried to find someone in her race, but came up with nothing, she moved back to OP. What where to happen if all of a sudden this girl meets a worthy man in her race while dating OP? Would she drop OP because new guy is closer to what she's looking for?
Shygirl15 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 What where to happen if all of a sudden this girl meets a worthy man in her race while dating OP? Would she drop OP because new guy is closer to what she's looking for? Hopefully by then, she would be so deep in love with OP to care..
dreamergrl Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Hopefully by then, she would be so deep in love with OP to care.. I'm not saying it def wont work out, but there's a good chance it wont because there are factors that make OP less then what she's looking for. If it's an important thing to her, then she may be okay with it until she finds what is does what.
pinkmarble Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 But she only decided this after she came to the conclusion that there is no one in her race for her, as in, if there was, she would be with that person. To me, if that's an issue for OP, it's not a self esteem one, it's just not wanting to be the next best thing. It would be another thing should she have been seeing someone else, or just not wanting a relationship at that point in her life. But she rejected OP based on his race, then after she tried to find someone in her race, but came up with nothing, she moved back to OP. What where to happen if all of a sudden this girl meets a worthy man in her race while dating OP? Would she drop OP because new guy is closer to what she's looking for? As I said in my first post, her excuse is unconvincing to me, and seems more like a suitable answer to a casual question about a very uncasual subject. The OP simply does not seem to know enough about this person to make judgments based on a single statement. The idea of there being an "after she tried to find someone in her race" is ludicrous - if she is single and looking, the process is ongoing and not an event. There is no way she could have sought and asked out every viable male of her race. If the girl meets someone else that she thinks is a better match for her, then by all means, she should pursue that other person if she chooses. This is not an exclusive situation for race. What if the OP is dating her and finds someone he clicks with better? This is a common issue in dating in general, not a specific possibility.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 She may not be racist, just undecided, perhaps because she's afraid of negative reactions from either public or her 'people'. I think you could take her on few dates and see where it goes. I was in the same position for a while, and I know I'm not racist at all. Honestly, I grew up in a rural area, so I don't have a lot of experience with the AA community here. Do women really get that kind of pressure to "date within their race?" It wasn't the other way around were I come from... lots of mixing no issues. Though it's mostly whites, latinos, and asians... does that make a difference? I just keep thinking that if she chose her friends by race, or hired employees by race then she would be racist... so... why is it different for choosing dates? And that really bugs me because I don't see her as thank kind of person. But she only decided this after she came to the conclusion that there is no one in her race for her, as in, if there was, she would be with that person. To me, if that's an issue for OP, it's not a self esteem one, it's just not wanting to be the next best thing. It would be another thing should she have been seeing someone else, or just not wanting a relationship at that point in her life. But she rejected OP based on his race, then after she tried to find someone in her race, but came up with nothing, she moved back to OP. What where to happen if all of a sudden this girl meets a worthy man in her race while dating OP? Would she drop OP because new guy is closer to what she's looking for? Yes... no self esteem issues here. I respect myself a lot and am not interested in having someone "settle" for me. There are plenty of other women I can date. However, I really do like this girl.
7117 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I would just stay friends it's so much easier mainly because you guys work together.Its always gonna be on your mind that after 18 months she changed her mind but really I think settled was the correct word.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 As I said in my first post, her excuse is unconvincing to me, and seems more like a suitable answer to a casual question about a very uncasual subject. The OP simply does not seem to know enough about this person to make judgments based on a single statement. The idea of there being an "after she tried to find someone in her race" is ludicrous - if she is single and looking, the process is ongoing and not an event. There is no way she could have sought and asked out every viable male of her race. I know her casually. Do you really think she just threw that out to placate me? I know from her friends that she has been super frustrated with her dating life for the last couple years. We did a bingo night a couple months ago and this guy came up to her while we were on a break just joking around hit on her. It was really bad because he told said that he liked her boobs and wanted her number... she said no. (long story short). She said later that is the only kind of guy that ever hits on her... the thug type. When I told her that she needed to call me G-Unit due to my "thuggish nature" she just laughed. Maybe it would all be a non-issue if I knew her "type".
Shygirl15 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Honestly, I grew up in a rural area, so I don't have a lot of experience with the AA community here. Do women really get that kind of pressure to "date within their race?" It wasn't the other way around were I come from... lots of mixing no issues. Though it's mostly whites, latinos, and asians... does that make a difference? There's the whole "let's be loyal to our black men" cliche (that I was also struck with for some time) among most black women in US, even when black males are now rapidly dating outside their race. Unfortunately, black women face a lot more hostility in their communities for dating outside their race (especially with a white males), which makes it harder for them to open up to interracial dating. I will encourage you to go few dates and see where it goes. I have recently started dating interracially with someone, but just like your girl, I was very hesitant to go out with him at first. Washington DC is very conservative, and frankly I have not seen that many BW/WM couples around here. But as we move along, I find more and more reasons to think he's definitely the perfect one for me. So perhaps your girl was just having difficulties opening up at first, and now that she has carefully thought about it, would like to give it a try. Go for it and see where it goes. The racist judgement came too soon, I think.
pinkmarble Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I know her casually. Do you really think she just threw that out to placate me? I know from her friends that she has been super frustrated with her dating life for the last couple years. We did a bingo night a couple months ago and this guy came up to her while we were on a break just joking around hit on her. It was really bad because he told said that he liked her boobs and wanted her number... she said no. (long story short). She said later that is the only kind of guy that ever hits on her... the thug type. When I told her that she needed to call me G-Unit due to my "thuggish nature" she just laughed. Maybe it would all be a non-issue if I knew her "type". I think that it would be difficult for her to answer such a personal question to a casual friend. Her answer seems to me to be something that she could say to prevent you from probing further into it. I personally would really not overanalyze the meaning of what she said. But if it really bothers you that much, you should tell her and gauge her response. I know you did not ask the question of me, but yes, from my experience, I do experience pressure to date within my race. But I also think that, rather than considering yourself as an exception to her dating belief, maybe she is opening herself to looking at dating in other ways. I don't believe in "types." My boyfriend is not my "type" but we are compatible. I met someone who is my "type" but who couldn't possibly compete with my boyfriend. I think this would be a non-issue if you gave it a shot (sorry for being so repetitive). If it works out, then it works out, and if it doesn't, then it doesn't. I think it's quite likely that if it doesn't work out, it will be for differences unrelated to race. There will always be a risk that you two are incompatible, race is just another factor, just like personality. I would just hate for you to give up without trying because of some initial misconceptions. You never know, right...
Lindarose84 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Don't go on a date. She DEFINITELY thinks she's settling and you don't need to be anyone's second choice. If she has already made it clear that she doesn't date outside her race I would just be like "hey that's your choice" and move on. I don't think it necessarily makes her racist. She just likes what she likes. There is not much people can do to change that. A person can't force an attraction that isn't there just because there is a fear of being called a racist. Just like there are people who won't date overweight people, this is just another factor of a person's body some people (unfortunately) think is not a desirable trait.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 The reality is shes just afraid white men have small ding a lings Its up to you to disprove that stereotype
Shygirl15 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I really don't understand why this '2nd choice' issue keeps coming up. I mean, was there a particular guy she initially chose over OP, or is it just the general comment she made about not dating outside her race?
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 There's the whole "let's be loyal to our black men" cliche (that I was also struck with for some time) among most black women in US, even when black males are now rapidly dating outside their race. Unfortunately, black women face a lot more hostility in their communities for dating outside their race (especially with a white males), which makes it harder for them to open up to interracial dating. I will encourage you to go few dates and see where it goes. I have recently started dating interracially with someone, but just like your girl, I was very hesitant to go out with him at first. Washington DC is very conservative, and frankly I have not seen that many BW/WM couples around here. But as we move along, I find more and more reasons to think he's definitely the perfect one for me. So perhaps your girl was just having difficulties opening up at first, and now that she has carefully thought about it, would like to give it a try. While I have several friends that are black... I never have conversations with them about being black... so it's very interesting to hear that kind of perspective. What kind of hostility would she face? Would it put her life in jeopardy? I really don't understand the "support our BM" mentality. That really sounds like something she would think though! She does have a son, and I know it is very important to her that he have a good AA role model. This may be thinking too far ahead... but I can't really provide that. However... our President was raised by his white grandparents and seems to have turned out A-Ok... so maybe it's not that big a deal? I think I will take her out a few times and see where it goes.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 The reality is shes just afraid white men have small ding a lings Its up to you to disprove that stereotype You've been watching too much porn! Most of the size queens out there are gay dudes!
Shygirl15 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 What kind of hostility would she face? Would it put her life in jeopardy? I really don't understand the "support our BM" mentality. That really sounds like something she would think though! She does have a son, and I know it is very important to her that he have a good AA role model. This may be thinking too far ahead... but I can't really provide that. However... our President was raised by his white grandparents and seems to have turned out A-Ok... so maybe it's not that big a deal? I think I will take her out a few times and see where it goes. Good decision. No, her life would not be in jeopardy, just some negative, harsh reaction/comments from (AA) friends, family and even co-workers. As minor as it sounds, can be depressing sometimes. I don't get this AA role model for her son. A role model doesn't necessarily have to be someone of the same race. My son and my BF get along very well, and after observing how the 2 interract with one another, he's likely to be the best role model for him than any of the black men I have dated in the past. The only thing that's a little bothersome to me is having to put my life story on display, because when the 3 of us go out together, people don't need to ask any questions.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 You've been watching too much porn! Most of the size queens out there are gay dudes! you can think that if it makes you feel better i once did a poll where i asked women if thed prefer a paraplegic with a ten inch penis or a healthy man with a five inch penis and one of them picked the paraplegic so dwell on that for a while
Shygirl15 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Oh, yeah? They are probably very 'wide' themselves.
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