jwi71 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Ask her. Instead of going nuts simply ask your W. She certainly had to know your friend would inform you. So asking her is an expected and reasonable question.
Author samprez Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Ask my wife or the MW? My wife didn't contact my friend, MW did. I want to contact MW and tell her to back off. When we went NC, I admit, it came from her....but now that I've been through my process and feel like it may make sense for me to restate my expectations of NC. Doesn't it realistically include 1st degree friends? I'm totally lost this morning.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Don't do anything. Don't break NC, it isn't worth it. Your silence will speak louder than you contacting her and telling her to back off. I take it this friend of yours knows about the A?
Author samprez Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Yes, he knows. Was caught off guard because she doesn't know he knows. Anyway, my problem is that I honored NC when she asked for it. I never set any boundaries myself but have operated with rules. I blocked or unfriended all of her friends and have done EVERYTHING I can to move away from her world. I think it's unfair that she did this and I'm a mess this morning. I'm not pining, but I'm angry. Really angry. I want to send her a NC email saying what I think the rules should be and that I want nothing NOTHING to do wit her. Why can't I do that? I never did. Guys, I've come too far on this to feel this way.
bentnotbroken Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Does your wife know OW went fishing? If she doesn't tell her and then the 2 of you send a NC letter that also says if contacted again you will seek a restraining order. But, please speak to your wife first if you haven't already. The best game plan is a united game plan.
Author samprez Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 You think this is fishing? I do...I'm so upset gang. Can't believe it...was escaping from this. My wife is out and I can't reach her but plan on telling her. I'm so angry right now. This is fishing right? I'm in pain again. I hate this woman now.
tami-chan Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Hi Samprez! been following your progress---pretty amazing journey, if not for the pain...I think you and your wife must talk to the MW and tell she that she is to back off from you and your friends or will tell husband...hmmm... as a matter of fact..your wife should call and set-up a meeting with MW's husband and tell him to rein in his wife. Damn, Samprez, MW has the makings of a bunny boiler.....why do I feel encrouching your inner circle of friends is just the beginning? nip it in the bud!
Reggie Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I'd just ignore it and tell your W about it , so it does not bite you in the ass. What's the big deal? She is trying to contact you. Just don't respond and, unless she is truly psycho, her attempts will decline.
bentnotbroken Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 You think this is fishing? I do...I'm so upset gang. Can't believe it...was escaping from this. My wife is out and I can't reach her but plan on telling her. I'm so angry right now. This is fishing right? I'm in pain again. I hate this woman now. Yes, it's fishing. But acting out of anger could cause you to make a wrong step. Settle down, think about how you wish to approach your wife to upset her as little as possible, then tell her you would like to respond, but only with her permission and cooperation. I do agree the OW's H probably should also be notified of her actions. As someone who had to deal with OW too much, you need to make sure your wife is protected as much as possible. Tell your wife how you feel about the fishing incident, who you feel it might impact her, and about your feelings of setting up permanate no contact.
Author samprez Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Reggie, you're right but you know what? I'm pissed. I'm really a decent man who f'd up big time. I want to move on with my life and having her poke around my friends is aggravating and immature. I know the NC rules are what they are, but I never stated them from my point of view. I'm devestated this morning because I would never knowingly touch base with one of her best friends...NEVER. For any reason. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. This is crap and I've sat on my hands for so long and felt no power. I understand how my wife felt now because again I feel like a foolish powerless person. Why can't I rip off an email and say "stay away from me and my friends or I will call your husband and tell him." Why can't I? I need some distance and management of this too. Can you tell I'm pissed?
Author samprez Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Yes, it's fishing. But acting out of anger could cause you to make a wrong step. Settle down, think about how you wish to approach your wife to upset her as little as possible, then tell her you would like to respond, but only with her permission and cooperation. I do agree the OW's H probably should also be notified of her actions. As someone who had to deal with OW too much, you need to make sure your wife is protected as much as possible. Tell your wife how you feel about the fishing incident, who you feel it might impact her, and about your feelings of setting up permanate no contact. I'm in IC. My wife knows I feel a sense of frustration over my lack of closure and that I struggle when I forfeit control on something. I'm sitting in my office at work crying because I just can't seem to get in front of this. I have respected her from the day she pushed away and as I've gone through things, I've seen clearly what happened here. I'm just sad and overwhelmed. I'm sorry to be emoting out here but I've worked to hard to feel this way today. It's aggravating and sad. I have not done a thing because the advice I get is all over the board. My instincts are to do what I think I should do. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tami-chan Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 All right, Samprez... you need to calm down...do not do anything, yet! We understand you are angry. We understand why you are angry....keep on posting until the anger subsides....or...can you call your counselor? Maybe a talk with him/her will put everything in perspective....?
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Why can't I rip off an email and say "stay away from me and my friends or I will call your husband and tell him." Why can't I? I need some distance and management of this too. Can you tell I'm pissed? Because you contacting her will only feed her ego and give her reaction that she is hoping for. ANY kind of reaction is her need of getting a "fix" from you, even if it's negative and a rude email. DO NOT CONTACT HER!!!!
bentnotbroken Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 That's why I said discuss it with your wife, only her opinion matters. And welcome to the roller coaster from hell, that most BS ,and I suspect some WS who are coming out of the fog and finally realizing what they have done and the damage it has caused. The ride is hellish but if you survive, it will be a lesson you never forget. 1
Owl Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 This is crap and I've sat on my hands for so long and felt no power. I understand how my wife felt now because again I feel like a foolish powerless person. Why can't I rip off an email and say "stay away from me and my friends or I will call your husband and tell him." Why can't I? I need some distance and management of this too. Can you tell I'm pissed? Why CAN'T you? Discuss this with your wife, get her agreemant, and send that exact note to OW...with your wife copied on it as well. Why not?
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 want to send her a NC email saying what I think the rules should be and that I want nothing NOTHING to do wit her. Why can't I do that? Again, don't break NC. You have NO control over what she does, who she talks to. What you can do though is, tell your friend if she contacts you again, DO NOT TELL ME, I don't want to know! Try to re-focus and remember things are OK with your wife. You reacting now is giving MW power, so try hard to keep busy and not let this ruin your progress.
wildsoul Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 You've already un-friended her, right? Yes, it's fishing. Here's WHY: if she becomes a friend of your friend on FB, then she is hoping for 2 things to result: She will be able to read your comments to your friend.You will have to read posts SHE makes to your friend.It's totally about getting in your face(book) again. Here is how you fix it: Don't just un-friend her, BLOCK her.Ask your friend, W, and anyone who knows about the A to do the same.Change your FB privacy settings! There's a preference to make it so that "only friends" can read your comments, see photos tagged of you, etc. (The default setting is that "friends of friends" can see everything, and she is banking on yours being set up that way.)
Author samprez Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 She's blocked. This is about getting to me or information about me. I had blocked her day 1 in February.
wildsoul Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 She's blocked. This is about getting to me or information about me. I had blocked her day 1 in February. Good! Here's an article about how to set up the rest of your settings, because I think she's trying to wormhole in thru the "friend of friend" opening. If you make everything "friends only," you'll *really* be able to keep her out of your business. 10 Privacy Settings Every FB User Should Know* http://www.allfacebook.com/2009/02/facebook-privacy/ *That site doesn't sell anything, so I don't think it's a TOS violation. I'm not trying to break the rules, anyway.
2sure Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I get the impression that Samprez's wife is unaware that his friend was privy to the affair with OW. OW is just fishing for whatever drama she can create.
Author samprez Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Told my buddy to undo her.... I'm sending my own NC letter with W tonight. Time to reassert control in my life.
Owl Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I agree with your plan, Samprez. As long as it's done WITH your wife, and you take POSITIVE, STRONG action to safeguard your marriage, this is good. OW seeing you and your wife as a united front AGAINST her is a good thing. Just don't let her contact you in ANY fashion directly. And ALWAYS keep your wife fully engaged in this battle.
Reggie Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Just blow her off and see if it goes away. Don't bother contacting her. What did you see in this woman? Must be tough realizing you pursued a relationship with a nut. But, now, at least, you can see what you and her husband were dealing with. Your poor wife.
Author samprez Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Reggie...you remain right. My problem is that I've been honorable throughout this NC process and I think it's terrible that she would even think about being in touch with one of my known close friends; AT ALL. And since I've done nothing in terms of defining boundaries, I don't know why I can't exert myself now. While I know I can't tell anyone who they can and can't be friends with, it's NUTS for her to want anything to do with anyone I'm known to be associated with. Why? I need to control the end of this myself. I've been sitting on my hands throughout this, posting here and doing nothing to control my own life. I did this, I think I need to undo this too. She needs to create space between us.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 I think you're giving her too much power. You have no control over what the exMW does or who she tries to contact to get info on you..All you can do is control your own reaction to it and try your best not to let it get to you. For all you know, she's googled your name too.. Anyway, yes she needs ot create space but again you cannot control what she does, all you can do is worry about yourself and your wife. Silence is golden and ignoring her attempts will speak alot louder and be more powerful than contacting her.
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