My Update - I'm Done

[samprez]

Figured I start a new thread from "New Question."

 

My W emailed my MW's H. That prompted a call to me from OW in which she was panicked about the email. I took a moment to ask her what her H had known up to this point in time (remember, he had caught us texting) to which she said, "nothihng." I said, "Nothing? Are you kidding me? You texted me to say he knew and that you were having anxiety attacks and migraines." She said he saw the text come up, shook his head and walked away. I was floored. She had clearly implied on her NC text that he was aware of us and that she was sorry we couldn't be friends. I respected the NC wishes and was making huge progress (still am, I'll explain).

 

I told her that I was really angry because I had been left with the burden of this entire A and that I was in real trouble with my W. She asked why my W would send her H an email and I said, "because she is scorned and needed to do what she needed to do." I added, "and because the consequences of our relationship are this. I've been in MC and IC working on things, talking about YOU and you've been living in blissful heaven while I've been in hell." She responded by saying that I would now understand what it's like to not be trusted by my spouse, like she was briefly in September by her H when he caught us texting the first time. I said, "uh, a little different. I confessed to our A when my W found the email, might not survive the marriage and have been basically burdened by the entire thing."

 

So, from the New Question thread, he never looked further and she essentially escaped his scrutiny. Ok, great, and I don't know if she deleted the wife's email or not. My W says that even if she doesn't hear from them/him she's fine and feels empowered. I'm happy for her and feel like we can get on now.

 

The MW had to run and said she'd call me back, and never did. I'm so glad I had that interaction with her even though it ended the NC. I can see so clearly now how selfish (me included) people are in these relationships and how much of a fool I was to have believed anything she said. While I've been essentially going through hell on my side, she felt like she had been blown clear of the A and was just living her life. It makes me angry, but it's misplaced because I'm ultimately mad at myself for allowing all of this energy to be focused on the A in the first place and then all of the damage after. Part of me hopes that her H saw the email so he can come out of the dark and that she can experience my pain, and part of me doesn't care.

 

But, I feel clear too. Somehow my W's email also freed me up too. I don't feel like I have anything left to say to MW. I think she and I did a terrible thing and there are things she did that I'll reserve from out here that I believe are awful and will have to be dealt with on her side. I've come to understand that the ability to just cover this up and move on is a sick way to deal with this and that her H deserves more. Reggie will laugh, but part of me wants to apologize to him and come clean. We haven't heard from them in response to the W's email, so I have no idea what is going on there.

 

It was funny, but I found her reaction to my W emailing them odd. What did she think she was doing in our A? For what it's worth, I was well aware that I was being a jerk and understood that if we got caught, there would be hell to be paid. I am amazed that I had feelings for her and that I would have ever considered her to be in a bad marriage that was all the fault of the H. I have a different view today and I'm glad for it.

 

Oh, and for anyone who is struggling with NC, it's great. What could I possibly want to do with her now or even say to her. I'm glad I got to hear her lame attempts yesterday to "move on" from this. I'm glad I'm in therapy and dealing with this and that my W is strong.

 

Ultimately, I think the H buried his head in the sand with the texting; which is is his choice. I think the funny thing is that his reward for doing that is....her.

 

W and I will recover fully because we are committed to doing so. She felt empowered yesterday and I support that. If H comes at us with other information or whatever, I will deal with it head on.

 

I used to say to my confidant that I thought that MW didn't understand that she was in an A and that it was serious business. She confirmed for me yesterday that she didn't. I'm no longer carrying the load for her.

 

These relationships are hell and stupid. I told the MC the other day with my W there that "nothing good" comes from them and that there is nothing worth allowing me to do this again. Anyone want to disagree with me? Another friend asked me when was my last purely good day. I said around August 1, 2008. Really worth the stress and loss of focus to feel like crap for 8 months huh?

 

As always, fire away.

[doushenka]

As always, fire away.

 

Congratulations. Enjoy this new lease on life.

[2sure]

Samprez - good job! Your wife did what she needed to do and you not only let her but understood the need.

 

As a BS, I have one last thing to add. Your wife knows about OW's phone call to you? If not - TELL HER IMMEDIATELY! First, because its the right thing to do, also because if W gets any inkling you have spoken - all will be back to square one.

 

In the event you have told your wife, what does she think about the fact that OW may call back? Speaking as a BS I can tell you what your wife might want you to say to OW. Tell her that in restrospect you are aghast at what you have done and that you cannot imagine what you were thinking. Tell her you no longer want to hear from her in anyway, regardless of what news she may have.

 

Your wife, in her heart, wants the OW to know that you picked your wife and marriage not because you had to..but because you wanted to.

[LakesideDream]

Come to think of it.... I wish I would have had the gumption to "out" my ex's MM, I admire your wife's courage.

 

Kudo's to her.

 

Now go use your second chance to try and win back your marriage.

[samprez]

Samprez - good job! Your wife did what she needed to do and you not only let her but understood the need.

 

As a BS, I have one last thing to add. Your wife knows about OW's phone call to you? If not - TELL HER IMMEDIATELY! First, because its the right thing to do, also because if W gets any inkling you have spoken - all will be back to square one.

 

In the event you have told your wife, what does she think about the fact that OW may call back? Speaking as a BS I can tell you what your wife might want you to say to OW. Tell her that in restrospect you are aghast at what you have done and that you cannot imagine what you were thinking. Tell her you no longer want to hear from her in anyway, regardless of what news she may have.

 

Your wife, in her heart, wants the OW to know that you picked your wife and marriage not because you had to..but because you wanted to.

 

She knows about the call...and what I said. She had wanted to ensure I had closure so we could move on and we're both feeling good that I got it too. Two birds with one stone. OW will NOT call back. I learned yesterday by her reaction that she is immature and weak. I have nothing more to say to her and will meet any call with a "DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN," response. Feeling like brighter days are ahead.

[jwi71]

Samprez,

 

I hate being wrong.

 

I think, despite whatever pain you feel now, that breaking NC was worth it. I think you have made sufficient internal progress that NC was not a "risk" to slid back into the A. And it happens often.

 

Yes, pain and anger and hurt and a certain sense of injustice fills you now. BUT. You learned the truth. You, in a sense, got thrown under the bus by her.

 

Remember it. Do NOT forget.

 

Now, the past is past and cannot be changed. You cannot see the future always looking to the past.

 

Focus on your W and your M.

 

Explore yourself, your failings, your W's failings and the failings of the marriage. Not to place blame but to shore up weakness. To discover aspects of one another either long forgotten or never known.

 

Congratulations. You have turned the corner.

[Reggie]

Weird stuff, these affairs, eh? Life is too short for this drama. Damn, I am glad I am not married. Thank God my testosterone is depleted. I would hate to be digging out from this. Maybe being a BS is the easier of the two roles.

I'm sticking to hookers from here on.

[ezg3]

good for you brotha. stick to it, dont lose sight of this good and positive feeling you have about her NOT being in your life anymore. good riddance!!

 

i hit rock bottom last night...didnt sleep a wink. im haunted by all of this...introspection is a bitch. life IS to short for all of this...like you I cant remember a day of happiness in the past 6 months at least.

 

im glad you turned the page!! KEEP IT UP!!!

[OpenBook]

No offense, but I think you are still hung up on your OW. Clearly this recent contact with her was significant to you, enough to start a new thread about it. You are still thinking about the OW, trying to figure out where she's at/coming from, instead of focusing on your W and what HER feelings are and getting her through this.

 

You still care.

 

I could be wrong. I certainly hope I am.

 

This may sound like a stupid question (and again, I hope it is) - but do you love your W? How much?

[samprez]

VERY MUCH I LOVE MY WIFE.

 

You know, this isn't directed at you, but these A's are involved and frankly unhinging from them isn't like flipping a switch. You go through ups and downs and all of the normal things associated with a breakup. So getting some insight from her and seeing things through a different scope was good. So no offense, but expectations of just turning off all of these emotions isn't reality.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If you had NC in the first place why are you communicating with her?

 

Now do you see why affairs are toxic to you and your family? WTF do you care what happens in her family, worry about her own if her husband knows of the affair let him deal with it on his own, whatever happens with them is no concern of yours once it's been exposed. Your making excuses to talk to her!!!!

 

If you want to recover like you say you do! then change your number and leave her alone!!! Is that so hard to understand!!! WTFF?

[Reggie]

Agree with Chrome. What's up with talking to her? You may be pushing the limits of your wife's patience/endurance. It is messed up.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, you love your wife, but you're still very attached (and addicted) to the OW.

 

Change your thinking pattern and keep telling yourself you DON'T care WTF the OW is doing or thinking, or what is going on over there. The A is over. Push yourself to get over the withdrawal, addiction part of this and don't let yourself cave into thoughts of the OW. PUSH those thoughts out of your head and remember how lucky you are that your wife is giving you this opportunity to prove you're worthy of another chance.

[desertmoon]

Weird stuff, these affairs, eh? Life is too short for this drama. Damn, I am glad I am not married. Thank God my testosterone is depleted. I would hate to be digging out from this. Maybe being a BS is the easier of the two roles.

I'm sticking to hookers from here on.

 

lol...reggie...<shakes head>...all that catholic education....

 

Hi Samprez! I am glad you learned the truth about your OW! good for your wife for sending that email. I would never have done that! Here's hoping for a smoother sail to a better marriage!

[samprez]

If you had NC in the first place why are you communicating with her?

 

Now do you see why affairs are toxic to you and your family? WTF do you care what happens in her family, worry about her own if her husband knows of the affair let him deal with it on his own, whatever happens with them is no concern of yours once it's been exposed. Your making excuses to talk to her!!!!

 

If you want to recover like you say you do! then change your number and leave her alone!!! Is that so hard to understand!!! WTFF?

 

Leave her alone? I didn't call her. I answered my work number. I'm totally fine. That was the point of my post. I didn't send her an email, my W did. My personal lines are blocked, I can't block the switchboard at my office. I'm honestly totally fine. You know Chrome honestly what's annoying about your post is that I wrote that A's are worth it in my note above and I was clear that I was ok with what happened so that my W could move ahead in our process. I was just relaying what happened.

 

I feel a total sense of relief for myself and my W that she made the contact. I didn't feel anything at all but total happiness that I was beyond her.

 

I'm totally cool with everything. W and I have been great since this all happened.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Leave her alone? I didn't call her. I answered my work number. I'm totally fine. That was the point of my post. I didn't send her an email, my W did. My personal lines are blocked, I can't block the switchboard at my office. I'm honestly totally fine. You know Chrome honestly what's annoying about your post is that I wrote that A's are worth it in my note above and I was clear that I was ok with what happened so that my W could move ahead in our process. I was just relaying what happened.

 

I feel a total sense of relief for myself and my W that she made the contact. I didn't feel anything at all but total happiness that I was beyond her.

 

I'm totally cool with everything. W and I have been great since this all happened.

 

..Yeah you keep telling yourself that, but i think your wife would see differently, oh and affairs are worth it? Really???? Reallly? so would you object to your wife now having a revenge affair while your out at work or outside? I mean hey it's worth it right, STD's, crimes of passion, infidelity, OC's, Half sibilings, Pain , anger, resentment, problems, hate.

 

You know Chrome honestly what's annoying about your post is that I wrote that A's are worth it in my note above and I was clear that I was ok with what happened so that my W could move ahead in our process.

 

Really it was all worth it, so you'd do it again and tell your wife you'd cheat again huh?

 

...Right. lol.

 

Also you need to do something about your work number, if your smart like me and your phones connected to a network have your tech guy ban the number or block it? or could you not do that?

[samprez]

Miswrote it..A's are not worth it..it's 4AM!!! Please reread.

 

In fact Chrome, did you read the original posting on this thread? I was very clear...I mistyped on the the response thread. NOT WORTH IT.....

[Chrome Barracuda]

I could point out many things on your original thread that makes me not believe you have detached from the OW...

 

Im under that persumption but if you say your done then be done. Dont mention the OW or her marriage, that is not your concern. Your only concern is your family and your wife.

 

The more you keep mentioning the OW and anything to do with her you mentally set you and your wife back, what have you done to recreate your marriage, Marital counciling with a pro marriage councilor? IC to figure out why the affair, surrounding your family with friends of the marriage? Dating your wife, reassuring her, loving her?

 

I mean it's on you, but from your first post that you wrote yor still emotionally invested. I do wish you the best.

[Reggie]

Yeah, but, damn, just hang up. Why talk to her?

[samprez]

I'm done....to hell with her. I'm with you guys. I'm totally fine.

[2sure]

Samprez - It has been 2 years since my H's infidelity. My H and I did all the things that you are in the process of doing. We are happy, I have forgiven him, and I am working on that 100% trust. In fact I can say that I trust him now as much as I did before we married. So, the rest of the way to 100% is an issue I brought with me.

 

You are going to be OK. Your marriage may be one of those that grows from this.

[samprez]

Thanks 2Sure.

 

I think sometimes folks have to understand that this is a process towards recovery. I'm doing everything I can to regain W's trust and what happened this week with MW worked for me. In combination with my IC, I have a real understanding now of what's been going on with us and how to cope with this. As I said in an earlier response, there is no switch to flip that makes things just go away. If there were, this blog wouldn't exist. People make bad decisions every day and then have to deal with the consequences.

 

My IC counselor gave me huge props today for owning my part of that A. He says it's rare that people do that. I'm proud of myself for that, and while the advice out here is awesome, BS and WS that are working through things should understand that managing this takes hard work. Sometimes "we" slip and fall back and other times we make great leaps forward. Ultimately, everyone has to do what works for them. For my W, sending that email was huge. She got to feel empowered and gain her sense of control, good for her.

 

For me, getting to hear MW react like she did helped me see things for what they really are. It set me free. I have no regret about that. It may not work for others.

 

I am looking forward to the day that I stop visiting Loveshack for me and can lurk to help offer words to someone else. Having said that, it will always be with compassion and kindness because now that I've experienced this, I understand the challenges that occur. Self realization and self awareness do not equate to coping and management. The process remains in place.

[2sure]

Self realization and self awareness do not equate to coping and management. The process remains in place.

 

 

HUGE statement right there. How many times have posters here said:

 

I know what I'm doing is wrong.....or ....I admit my mistake

 

As if that makes anything different. I suppose admitting you have a problem...yada yada - but you have to go further than that AS SOON AS YOU OWN it. If you dont, then its as though you admit you know the difference between right and wrong but just dont care.

 

Well, thats what it sounds like to BS.

 

All about the process.

[deluded realist]

Hey Samprez...I've read all your posts and the rollercoaster of emotions as well as the progress you seem to be making. I just want to say that it is extremely helpful and comforting to hear ways that you and others are able to move on from the stupidity and the futility of A's. You are so right...nothing good comes from these things.

 

I know for me, when I feel myself getting caught up in all the feelings that are still pretty fresh...and even though my own marriage is still pretty much a hopeless, loveless wreck and I'm hurting, I can still imagine how I'd feel if all that had been taken away and then by some miracle I got it back....and it really puts the stupidity of my A into perspective.

 

I am lucky that I am the only one I really screwed up with my stupidity and I know I will get through this and hopefully fix the REAL problems in my life. I know you must look at your wife and, even with all this heartache, you must feel incredibly lucky to have been given another chance.

 

I am looking forward to the day I feel more like you about your other person instead of the way I do. Hearing other people are doing it helps. Keep on keepin on and way to go!

[samprez]

Need some help. I'm furious this morning.

 

I have honored NC. My MW knows who my inner circle of friends are. Shew knew that yesterday was a special day in my calendar and last night in FB she friended one of my best friends. He called this morning to tell me. WTF? Why would she engage with someone in my inner circle.

 

He was looking out for me when he called and is acting like he doesn't know anything but I'm so pissed. Why would she decide to encroach on my circle? I've been working so f'ing hard to get past this and I feel like I took a gut punch this morning.

 

This has nothing to do with my friend..he did nothing wrong here.