Crimson107 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 My wife and I of 12 years are having a rough time. I had a vasectomy over 4 years ago after our 4th child. I took plenty of conveniencing to get me to have the 4th. I only wanted 2 kids. So at one point when she was tired of the kids. She said something about being done. I jumped at the chance and talked to doctor and had the operation. She signed the waiver but always said it was under protest. We can't afford the 4 we've got. We are in a period were we are still trying to live on a budget. She wants to quit her job and bring in a new life and be at home as much as possible. We moved from one state to another because she finished her teaching degree. Jobs were short so we came here to pursue her career. It's a very demanding teaching job and she doesn't have the time or energy for it anymore. She crys that she wants to be back at home for the kids... and have another one. Well finances suck enough for us as it is. How do I afford to get a reversal, She quit her job and lose our insurance, support the family that is growing in today's economy. I don't have any job security. I am a sub-contractor by day and an illustrator by night. We have a foreclosure and repo's and terrible credit. Everything screams at me that is just doesn't make sense. Stop crying for another and love the 4 you have. It's like my daughter who cries when she sees puppies. Of course all her colleagues are have the 1st and 2nd babies and she's jealous. Last night we had a big fight about it and she makes us sound like the marriage is over because we dissagree over this one thing after 4 years. I would bend and get her pregnant if I wasn't sterile. I did it because I am a horrible push over. Damn I love my wife but she is making our lives hell fighting over this. I told her we could save up for the reversal or look at fostering/adoption but our money is still crap. It is patronizing to her but look at the reality of it. I can't compromise to make her happy because she wants me to want the baby like she does. I looked at the fostering or adoption but that only treats the sympton for a while. So it's setting me up to just be a big jerk. How do I just deny her pleading? I love her very much and will be a fool to show her. Then reality smacks me in the face and I got to think about the good of the family. If I am suppose to be the leader in a biblical sense then why can't she take my lead on this. I am so confused and it's causing me to hurt her when I really just want to love her.
Eve Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I would have to agree with you from what you have said - another child right now does not seem at all viable. To me, it seems as though your Wife wants an emotional escape from financial problems and the burden of work. Now, if she was saying that she had a master plan of some sort which could help out somehow then yeah, get that off the ground first and maybe plan another child in a couple of years based on whatever stability you have created. Right now I would say that if you were to have another child you both may end up with a huge emotional gap between you. Or has this already happened? At the end of the day, the only logical reason I can see why your wife is behaving in this manner is that she is used to getting her own way. Essentially, she knows that it is only a matter of time before you give in... again. Hate to be bleak but who is to say that the pregnancy will be a healthy one? I dont know how old you guys are but pregnancy is an enormous strain on the body. Has she stopped looking after herself as well as she has done in the past? Sometimes women feel an enormous shift in their personalities once they have children .. maybe she thinks she is only good as a Mother? What concerns me is that she is willing to sacrifice your happiness in pursuit of another child when you have already relented to child number four! Hubby and I have four children and I do understand what it is to want more children so I am not dissing your wife entirely. BUT if she is not looking after herself etc it could be that she is using motherhood as a bit of a shield rather than being the best that she can be as a person.... maybe? All in all, you will have to make it clear that enough is enough if you really do not want another child. But from what you have said already I think the chances are that you are going to give in anyway and end up pretty unhappy. A word of caution my friend. Children are a gift .. but they are little sods. The fun times you are having right now will turn into pure had work as they get older.. You are stacking up a whole lot of challenges for yourself which many parents do not have a clue how to handle when the time comes! You are struggling to support the ones you have now. I dread to think how you are going to cope with five teens all with individual needs. It is seriously hard work and can drive a wedge between the most loving of couples. Please think carefully. Take care, Eve xx
signedin2008 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I think your wife has some mental problem, or at least some emotional problem. Is she a loving mother? Can she handle the four kids you have now? Does she handle them well and give them all the attention they need while having a full time job? Can she improve her quality time with the four kids?
quankanne Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 baby envy, pure and simple, IMO. Fostering would be a good solution, but it's a huge commitment, as is bringing your own newborn into the world. Tell her to consider being court-appointed special advocate for voiceless children. Tell her to volunteer for the church nursery on Sundays. I think once she sees the realities, she just may decide that she's not in a position to handle the responsibility of a newborn anymore, and that she's doing just fine with the four y'all have.
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