DontQuit02 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 How's everyone doing? I am a first timer here, glad to meet everyone. I probably should of done this sooner, but what's done is done i guess haha. Hopefully you won't be too bored with my situation and you can offer some kind of advise. My story is not the greatest in fact some might just tell me to move on, but regardless i am gonna just put down what has been getting at me. Ok so last march i met a girl and started seeing each other regularly, she had a bf of 5 years. However she was pretty much hanging out with me/sleeping at my house 4 to 5 days a week. This was a first time situation for a guy like myself, i mean i had never really wanted to mess around with a situation where the girl still had a BF. But i felt like things were clicking so much that i threw my own rule book by the side. Anyway after about 8 months of this i decided to give her an ultimatium (i know it was a bad idea). This was this past august. Anyway she decided against myself, mainly because i believe she is so comfortable with her current BF and i believe it was her first ever BF. He also makes alot more money than me, and whatnot. However through the past couple months she has kept in touch with me via the internet & phone. Recently in early 09 she came out to support my art and we clicked again for an instant. Didnt lead to anything sexual that night. But the following night she called me to hangout and i had my guard up and everything, i finally decided to meet with her the following night and she called it off just before hand. At the time prior to the show and seeing her, i was thinking i was getting over her. Then boom it all came back to me, and i figured why not try and give it a 2nd chance. After all i have made great strides in my work. Also another note of influence was that one of her best girlfriends tells me that she still always talks about me. I want this girl! so my question to you guys is, what advise do you have for me and what steps can i do to get this women back in my life? Now i know that most people tell me, why would i want a women who has cheated on her BF. But from my perspective her relationship with that man has run its coarse and from what i understand they dont have much in common, so i think both are afraid of being alone or pulling the plug. Also with families being friends with each other and what not, it really makes for a tough situation that even i can understand. This girl is a keeper though, i just wish she would have the courage to come my way for good. I may not have the money he has, but our personalities are on the same page and we have a fire for one another. Anyway i am interested to hearing your thoughts and would appreciate them. Thanks for your time.
SummerSun Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 There is no point of an ultimatum if you don't stick by it - and that means it may not go your way. When you gave her the ultimatum before she chose her boyfriend over you - and because of the ultimatum you HAD to let her go. If you give an ultimatum and then don't stick by it when you don't get the answer you want then you will be seen as a walk over and our words will mean jack sh*t. Now the situation is exactly as it was before - and all I can see is that for your own self respect you need to give the same ultimatum. If she is wanting a second chance with you then you have to give the condition that you only want an exclusive relationship. For her to be able to see you she has to leave her boyfriend. Do not start anything with her until she does - at least that way you will start a relationship on mutual respect.
BCCA Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 First, we all want to believe that our situations are unique, and that the circumstances involved defy conventional logic. Trust me, they dont. The best way to predict future behavior is by analyzing past behavior. She has cheated, repeatedly, on her bf with you. Thats the way she handles relationship issues. She is not one to try and talk things out, or resolve anything, she just goes off and messes around with someone else. Its totally selfish, shes getting attention and emotional support from both of you, while giving each half as much. Its a character flaw, part of who she is, not something that just happened because she met you. She also clearly chose him. Whether it be for financial reasons or otherwise, trust me, if she thought you were the better guy to date, she would dump his butt in an instant. You are merely an escape from reality for her, and who wouldnt want two guys to chose from on any given day. Her BF pisses her off, she runs to you, she gets tired of you, she goes back. Its a win-win for her, and a lose-lose for you and this other guy. The mature thing to do is break up with him BEFORE cheating. She is obviously not a mature person. Trust me, if she cheats on him, she'll cheat on you, too. Also, what Summersun said is dead on. If you give an ultimatum, youre stuck with it, or your words mean nothing. If you go back on your word, youre telling her that you'll accept whatever she has to offer, and expect nothing in return. Thats not cool. I would stick to your ultimatum - she can call when/if she dumps him. Until then, you have nothing to say to her. She'll try anything to manipulate you back into where she wants you to be, and lose respect for you anytime you let her slide.
Author DontQuit02 Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Thanks for the feedback. However i dont think she is quite all what you say BCCA with the character flaw thing. I mean she's 22 years old, about to be 23 and has been with this guy since she was 17. Sometimes people cant pull the plug or it just takes time. For example my dad and mom been married 37 years and never cheated, but my dad was seeing my mom when she had a boyfriend a few months after my dad gave the ultimatium she came back to him. Now i'm not saying thats gonna happen with me, if anything though it proves they can change. what do you guys think of trying to stay relevant and continuing to pop up in her life, just to remind her of me??? or maybe i just want to know, what i can do to try and steal this women? anything? i guess the ball is in her court, but if anyone has any advise i am there for the taking. Thanks alot for your time BCCA and Summer i appreciate your responses
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