silverfish Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Hi everyone. I am trying to make sense of what has just happened to me. I am going a bit crazy here.... I was in a LTR for 15 yrs that ended officially in Dec 2007. I have 2 children and my ex and me sort of get along now for their sakes but he lives away and is not in our lives much. Anyhow. In May last year I met up with a guy I had met via the internet. he is 30 and i am 37. We went to a sport event that I didn't want to attend on my own. I stayed with him for 2 days and we had a really great time together. We talked and laughed and did daft things. Nothing sexual happened because I wasn't ready - it wasn't even discussed. On the last morning I was at his place, we were talking in our PJs and something just clicked in me. I got on the train home and realised I had fallen for him - I got pretty emotional about it as I felt I had blown it by being too cool with him. We talked as soon as I got back and I told him I liked him, he said he felt the same. He came to visit me in July and we got together. we spent the whole Summer going back and forth, and in between speaking on the phone every day. He made me feel incredible in every way. He got a job in my town (very small town!) and moved down in December. He got his own place with a view to us someday moving in together. We spent Christmas with my kids and family, and he stayed with us 3 or 4 nights a week. I got a job working evenings in January and he offered to babysit. My boys love him by now so I said ok. Anyway. I had a disagreement with him about one incident that was really minor - I basically said that it was my job to discipline the kids when I was present. He took this ok and agreed. It was all getting quite domesticated and we both agreed to try and get out more on 'dates'. So a couple of weeks ago we went out and had dinner, went clubbing, danced silly all night. When we got home, we had a silly argument about the taxi fare - he thought it was a rip off, I was annoyed because I had paid it..we were both drunk so it just came out of nowhere over nothing. He left and went home. He says I kicked him out but I just said 'I think that would be best' when he asked if I wanted him to go. He was quite angry and we both needed to calm down. A few days later he got in touch, we talked and agreed it was silly, discussed a few other things like me needing a bit of space - he was round my place a lot and could not contribute because he had his own place and no money. Anyway. After an awkward few days when we were both feeling unsure, my dad was visiting and we didnt give eachother time to make up, he broke up with me. He just asked to meet me in town, told me he had to go at 9pm (it was 8pm) and then said he wanted to finish it. I couldn't speak as he didn't let me get a word in and I was stunned. Since then we have met up a couple of times. I apologised for a few things and realised I had pushed him away a little bit (not much!!). He said he would think about it and then I get 20 texts a day asking how I am, how the boys are. Answer is - we are all devastated. I am crying and miserable. They miss him and want to see him. I cant do the friends thing with him because I love him too much, and I am angry with him for not trying. he asked to speak to me last night after 3 days of no contact. I stupidly agree thinking he might have something to say but no just 'I know I've done the right thing'... This is the man who said 'wonder if we'll still be doing this when we're 50', 'I am going to marry you some day' (3 weeks ago), and countless times I am the love of his life. I am not kidding he was insanely in love with me... to the point where it got a little bit much for me sometimes. Now all I can think of is how to get him back. I love him so much and we had such a close, intimate relationship. I felt completely alive with him, and he's my best friend. How could he do this to me and my kids. He has been in our lives so much for the last 8 months. They really want to see him - dunno what to do about it.I am so emotional right now, and I dont trust myself to make the right decisions anymore..............just crying and crying about it
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 This is a long shot here but have you tried to talk to him about exactly how your feeling???
Author silverfish Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 Yes I think so...to start with I was angry and mad at him for not giving it a chance.that lasted about til wednesday last week. Then I went round to talk at his place. Said sorry and that I wanted a chance. He said he'd think about it. This the the bad part. i went out on friday and got drunk. Went back to his place - he said by text he wasn't ready and that he needed more time but come round anyway. I cried and talked, told him I wanted to him to kiss me. He didn't, and then I left. Went to get a taxi he followed me. Told me he loves me in the taxi, then asked the driver to stop and got out... Anyway he ended up ringing me when I got home and he was mad because I didn't respond in the taxi...I didn't know what to make of it. Said he never wanted to speak to me again. Then he rang on saturday morning. Arranged to go round again on Saturday night, and he asked me to stay over. I went over. I was exhausted from not sleeping or eating. He said he didn't know if it could work now after everything thats happened in the last 2 weeks. I said can't we just draw a line under it. he said he'd think about it (again...aaarrggh). I went home and said - you need to text me or call me when you know what you want Anyway that was it til last night, although i got lots of how are you texts, one I love you, then I want to talk to you - but about 'nothing important'. Nothing specific. Then last night he called but just wanted small talk. I resisted and gave him short answers. Then I pushed it and asked him what he wanted from me, and he said he'd made the right decision in breaking up with me, and was glad I hadn't stayed saturday night as it 'wouldn't have been right'. Then made loose arragements with him to see my boys to say goodbye (not sure about that now...) Got off the phone at 11pm. Cried and cried. Still awake at 3am and sent him a text saying I would always love him, sorry for being cold (re small talk) but I can't take 2nd best (IE friendship). He sent one back saying 'I'm going to miss you too. You're not cold, you deserve nothing less than the best. I'm gutted that I feel the way I do because I dont think I'll ever meet anyone as lovely as you. You are wonderful and you made me happier than i thought possible.Thank You x' The fact he didn't mention love is significant. And the the 'you made me happier'. Past tense. Harsh.....
Author silverfish Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 urgh what a crap day. Got the kids to bed after crying in front of them and I've NEVER done that even when things were rough with their Dad. They are asking me when they are going to see him..... I got his last text at 8.30am and haven't replied because I don't trust myself in what to say or do. Advice / thoughts / slaps round the face appreciated
datura_noir Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I have to be brutally honest here- This man should have never been bonding with your children this soon into a relationship. They have already lost a father(?), whom you admit does not see them regularly. Add to that the fact that you have just come out of 15 years of co-habitating with the guy.....why no marriage?? That's an awfully long to be with a person with no clear future. You seem to be heading down the same path with guy number two.Please don't have new guy in do overnights so soon; you and those children deserve better, they need stability.
Author silverfish Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Ok - I was married but divorced last year. We continued to work together (we ran a business together and had no choice til it was sold). Our lives properly separated when the business was sold. It was fairly amicable and still is. He has a good relationship with our children and with me. When I met my boyfriend I was very wary of the bonding issue and discussed it with him extensively. He didn't sleep over til he moved down and was more than happy with that. As he then moved over 400 miles to be with me and we already discussed moving in together and marriage I didn't see his lack of commitment as an issue. I took lots of advice from family and friends who have met him and thought he was wonderful. My mother said I was being over cautious that I should go for it. I don't think it's possible to live as a single parent and have any relationship that is serious (the only kind I am interested in) without your children meeting that person and bonding with them. I am trying to work out how I got him so wrong, or maybe he just needs a bit of time to sort his feelings out?
Author silverfish Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Ok. I caved in and sent him a text. A parcel arrived for him at my house. I know - flimsy. He asked about meeting up with me and the boys at he w/end. Said he misses all of us. Hmmmmm.... Any ideas what to do - ball is in my court now
Beautiful Inside Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 try not taking him for granted this time and really appreciating each others company....remember this is also your best friend y you you ever want to hurt them. Maybe he's a little more emotional then you are....you have to take all these things into consideration. i dont get why the relationship ended in the first place over silly little arguments....but make sure you keep the communication lines open if you think something is wrong with him if he seems sad make sure you get it out of him so you guys could work it out right then and there not let it build up inside it turns into years of resentment and anger....
Author silverfish Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 We've emailed all day trying to get over the 'silly arguments' thing. i think this could be going somewhere. We seem to find writing things down that are hard a lot easier than meeting up and saying them in person.Theres more to it than i originally thought. What to me as a single parent seems silly to him is a big deal. I think i make him feel inadequate...
Author silverfish Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 After a w/end of back and forth, he asked me out for dinner and wants another chance. I want to meet him obviously, but not sure about the whole thing - how do I trust him not to do this to me again? Just been through 2 weeks of hell, wanting to see him more than anythin. Now he wants to see me I am not sure....
thegoodlife Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I say you go for it. It sounds to me like you two had a really great thing going that just got caught up in some silly arguments and it took a toll. But he wants you back and you want him back also. Go to dinner and talk it out. Recognize that the arguments were silly things (which it sounds like you already started to do), and that in the grand scheme of life and your relationship together you need to be strong and stick together because life will throw some pretty tough things at you. Especially with you having kids in the picture, it's vitally important that they have some stability. But you know all of this, so just go and talk it out calmly, and come to an understanding that you love each other and you want to be together so let it be. And in the future try to let the small things go. I hope it all works out! Keep us posted.
Author silverfish Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Met up on Friday evening with him. It was a complete disaster. I was feeling drained after the whole episode and wanted him to reassure me that things were ok. Told him by text before I met him that I was feeling crappy about myself due to what had happened between us the last 2 weeks. He'd been out previously to meeting me with a female friend from work, her boyfriend and his brother. We went somewhere noisy instead of out for dinner (it was too late to eat by then). He asked me twice if i was staying at his place. I got annoyed and said I wasn't there to see him for sex. He walked out of the place and left me there on my own.... He said it was my fault because I said I wanted something casual (I didn't -just wanted to take things slow, see eachother in neutral environments and not at my place) He said that because of the comment I made about sex that he has fallen out of love with me and doesn't want a relationship with me. Haven't spoken to him since and common sense tells me that I shouldn't speak to him again. I made a lot of effort the last 2 weeks to work things out, and yes it was a stupid comment to make. BUT he kept asking if i was staying with him, after we spent about 2 hrs together since he dumped me the first time. Was I wrong to make that comment, was I close to the bone? He's acting so offended by it, and I did apologise to him but explained why I said it. I was no where near ready to get physical beyond a kiss with him....I am angry, hurt, devastated.........why did I bother going? Argh this man has hurt me sooooo much........
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