65tr6 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Not in a million years I thought I would be posting here.... Curious as to what you did and intend to do (in you are still in an affair) when you affair was busted ? How did it turn out ? How "ugly" was it ? What did you learn from the A ? You think it was worth it ? What would you do differently, if any, if you had to start over again ?
tanabanana92207 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 The biggest thing to come out of the discovery of our affair is their impending divorce. Once my MM wife discovered the affair, he went and saw a lawyer and she was served with divorce papers at the end of January. He has since moved out and they are in the midst of negotiating a financial settlement. Our relationship continues as before. She did not initiate the divorce. In fact, she didn't even really confront him per se. She just made it known that she knew what was going on. She told various family members that she was agreeable to him continuing his relationship with me as long as they stayed married and she could continue her current lifestyle. If I could change anything, it would be that the relationship did not start as an affair. Having said that however, i would not do anything differently. I say this knowing that I'll get flamed by some, but why lie? I make no apologies nor do I offer any justification for our relationship. It is what it is.
stampdaddy Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Well, I will try to keep this condensed. Many months before Dday, I had started to realize that she was "content" with the way things were, meaning having BOTH a husband at home that wasnt giving her any issues or marriage, making zero sexual advances for the last 3 years (she promised me that she was coming and that her marriage was over) and having me there in her EVERYDAY life. I started to talk to her about how IF things dont "change" then all we are is an AFFAIR, and that, I would not have. Then one typical Sunday morning in June, she was here waking me up at around 7am. We sat outside on the patio, having coffee and she sensec something was wrong with me. So I said, "it's time for me to end this affair. I don't want it anymore. The "momentum" of your promises has run out. It was a calm, beautiful morning and the conversation was calm as well.. She was real quiet for a long time. We took a walk and not much was said until we reached a park bench and sat down. She looked me square in the eyes and said, "My life is with you. I am scared and I dont want to hurt anybody, but I cant lose you. I will start the talks at home.. PLEASE don't let me fall....." A month later: BOOM! Her H found a phone. A few days later, he started to call me. So, we started to talk. After about the 3rd or 4th conversation he asked me for 2 weeks. Said I could live without her for 2 weeks. Of course I said OK, and I actually said "whatever you need" (which meant I would walk away). At that moment, HE became REAL to me. It is very strange how sometimes they don't even seem to exist. Maybe it's because you are being told that they marriage is dead, it's over, and it's starting to become "Chapter 1, and you are now becoming Chapter 2", I dont know. Well, of course the 2 weeks passes in a blink, and actually before that, she has been staying with a friend. OK, I think, well, this is the beginning of a Divorce. She has been asked to leave the house. "please don't let me fall" are the words ringing through my mind and my heart. SO, I stay. I don't pursue, I just sit. And wait. And wait, and wait and wait... This was over a year and a half ago now. I am not waiting anymore, really, there were a couple more Ddays. Enough is enough. I think I have FINALLY reached a point where I am OK with moving on, leaving her behind, and IF/WHEN she falls, IT WONT BE MY FAULT....... So, to answer your questions: **what did I learn from the affair? THEY SUCK!! it is the worst possible thing I cold have EVER been involved with. **how ugly was it? well, 4 years of BEAUTIFUL has turned UGLY. and to me, that is very sad **if I had to start over again? I don't know, I loved her.. But I would'nt want the affair, so I guess I would have passed... again, sad to me to say
confusedinkansas Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 My A ended because the OM found out that his wife was cheating on him & he decided he couldn't trust ANY woman after that. She left him for the other man. We split for a year & then ran into each other again - started it back up again. (In between all of this I did confess to my H about the A. His response was he didn't care that I had an affair, he cared that I didn't share the juicy details with him DURING the affair- Sick Yes) Anyway, After another year the the OM he broke things off again...due to some other circumstances too long to explain here. (H didn't find out about the 2nd round) FF One more year, I leave my husband (not for the other man) OM decides he wants to be in my life BUT he has a GF he isn't willing to ditch...Ya see, she's married as well!!!.......Serial Cheater! Apparently. (eyes rolling) What I have learned from all of this is that affairs are NOT WORTH the heartache that everyone has to endure. Over & Over this man broke my heart - I truly was in love with him. (probably still am - but am moving on) Never, Never again will I cheat ON or WITH anyone. The lies at the beginning are easy, but as time goes on it's harder & harder to conceal things from your significant other. None of it is worth it! If your marital issues are so bad that you find someone else to fulfil what your spouse isn't giving you, it's time to get out. (Easier said than done, I know) But that, I believe, is the bottom line! Am Much Happier Now!!!!
Author 65tr6 Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 At that moment, HE became REAL to me. It is very strange how sometimes they don't even seem to exist. Maybe it's because you are being told that they marriage is dead, it's over, and it's starting to become "Chapter 1, and you are now becoming Chapter 2", I dont know. that is the part I am trying to understand. May be because I am more realistic or a pragmatic person....Just how could you think the other spouse doesnt exist or not real and then all of a sudden it changes once the affair comes out in the open ? If the affair has lot of emotional element to it, then may be I can understand...may be...but come on, you got to be blind for not seeing that. (just my opinion may be because I think everyone should, at any given point of time, be aware of what is going on)
stampdaddy Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 that is the part I am trying to understand. May be because I am more realistic or a pragmatic person....Just how could you think the other spouse doesnt exist or not real and then all of a sudden it changes once the affair comes out in the open ? If the affair has lot of emotional element to it, then may be I can understand...may be...but come on, you got to be blind for not seeing that. (just my opinion may be because I think everyone should, at any given point of time, be aware of what is going on) again, im MY case, I think since I have been divorced, I understand what it is like for a marriage to be "dead" or "over" and it is just the matter of finalizing it. It is when I realized that her marriage was'nt over, or the beginnings of it werent that I started to back away. I didnt want her to have BOTH and I didnt want to be the CAUSE of it ending. I thought it was because of THEM, not because of ME. So, it was like I was looking at an "ex-spouse", but just early... Still, it does NOT justify my actions
OWoman Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Not in a million years I thought I would be posting here.... Curious as to what you did and intend to do (in you are still in an affair) when you affair was busted ? How did it turn out ? How "ugly" was it ? What did you learn from the A ? You think it was worth it ? What would you do differently, if any, if you had to start over again ? Our A wasn't exactly "busted", as we were always very open and everyone (family, friends, colleagues, etc) knew except his (now x)W. Then some woman who'd hit on him previously (he'd turned her down as he wasn't interested) found out about us and got jealous, and started sending us anonymous emails threatening to tell his then-W, and cyber-stalking me. I tracked her down and threatened to report her and expose her activities publicly, and she backed off, but then began sending his then-W anonymous emails to "tip her off". His then-W didn't believe them and so nothing at all came of that. But it did focus his mind that he wanted us to be together more than anything, so he took steps to action that and prepared the kids for the split. They were very supportive. When he told his xW he was leaving, she didn't believe him. She didn't believe there was "someone else" and thought it was just a trick on his part to get her to agree to return to MC (which they'd started years before - but she'd run out on as soon as the MC told her that her abusive behaviour was a problem) and even after he moved out with the kids, she still did not believe it was over. She dragged the D process out as long as she possibly could, "losing" papers that had been sent to her lawyer and changing her mind on things she'd agreed to and all manner of stalling tactics, but eventually she just had to let it go. So: how did it turn out? Very well, in the end, but there were periods of real "ugly" when she'd phone up random people and hurl her abusive bile at them over imagined slights or offences. Luckily none of that for a while now - but she probably doesn't yet know we're M, so it may start up again when she finds out. It was certainly worth it; everyone (my H, his kids, his family) are all much happier now and his parents were saying just the other day how nice it is to have the whole family back together again, now that everyone gets on together unlike before. They're elderly and things like that matter very much to them. What did I learn? That there are some really broken people out there, that can't be fixed and are best just avoided - or, if you can't, ensure there are witnesses! What I'd do differently - hire a hitman!
2sure Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Prior to meeting my now H, I was an OW. I had affairs with several different MM , but just one long term - 4 years or so. I never entertained the thought he would leave his marriage, although he would "fantasize" about a life with me. I knew his wife's name but never noted where she worked. Well, one day I was introduced to her professionally. She became REAL. I stopped the affair. Karma came knocking on my door a short while later. I married and my H cheated. The first thing I did was make myself REAL to OW. We have recovered because of many things - but doing that was really helpful to me, and probably to OW as well.
Author 65tr6 Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 I knew his wife's name but never noted where she worked. Well, one day I was introduced to her professionally. She became REAL. I stopped the affair. . interesting. It is almost you take the wayward's word for it until the affair is busted or you come in contact with wayward's spouse. Karma came knocking on my door a short while later. I married and my H cheated. The first thing I did was make myself REAL to OW. I rather not deal with OM in our case...my wife's withdrawl is good enough for me. But i have gathered lot of information about OM just in case. Question...Did you end up marrying someone you had an affair with ? So the lessons you learnt from your previous affairs did not help you much in preventing your husband's affair ?
NoIDidn't Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 A former BW here. I cried alot when the continuing A came to light. He broke it off completely and then it became her turn to do some crying. Lots of crying and trying to talk to my H. I was already real to her, but because he was so convinced that we were about to be through, he told her not to worry about me. So I completely understand why a spouse wouldn't seem REAL to an OP. The MP makes it out to be that way in most cases. Most people wouldn't want the kind of pain that being one of the partners in an affair causes - OP or MP. But some stubborn, strong willed, and/or irreverent folks persist (no offense to the irreverent ones, nothing any of us can do about others behavior other than take note of it and avoid when we don't approve).
jj33 Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 My A was never busted but it ended. It was ugly between afterwards and caused us both a lot of pain that took a long time to get past. It wasnt a problem for his wife because she didnt much care (a marriage of convenience) as long as he did what he had to do. I would not do it again. Ever. Even for him. If I had it to do over again I wouldnt do it. If I had thought for one moment that our time together would have hurt her, I would not have done it. But I knew (from talking to people who knew them socially before it got physical) that this was their deal. I didnt understand it, I wouldnt want it for myself, but it is what it is. As it turnd out I cared. Its not something that works for me. I'm old fashioned, I dont get involved with single people who are involved with other people, it wasnt comfortable for me to make an exception for him.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Not in a million years I thought I would be posting here.... Curious as to what you did and intend to do (in you are still in an affair) when you affair was busted ? How did it turn out ? How "ugly" was it ? What did you learn from the A ? You think it was worth it ? What would you do differently, if any, if you had to start over again ? I didn't get "busted." He ended up leaving. It wasn't a messy divorce, it was actually pretty fast. Finalized in only 7 months. And we're married now, so yeah, I think it was worth it.
NoIDidn't Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I didn't get "busted." He ended up leaving. It wasn't a messy divorce, it was actually pretty fast. Finalized in only 7 months. And we're married now, so yeah, I think it was worth it. LOL. Can't answer a question without telling everyone that you married him, huh? Anything to get a chance to say that tidbit. J/K Seriously, since you weren't on either side of being "busted", you can't really answer the question, can you?
Mino Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 "busted, hmm, I don't like that word. My mm moved out 3 times, that is how she found out. His W stuck her her head in the sand, it was obvious he was seeing me, but she didnt want to know. It going on 9 months that he has his own place. We practically live together. Would I do it again?, No, many things I would have done differently if I could do it over. But its were we are now that counts. Was I think the hardest road.
Mino Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 What I would do differently, not put up with all the BS in the last few years.Gone total NC first time he moved back. Would have saved alot of time in between. Given him also the space needed to heal from his failed marriage. Set better boundries of what I will accept and what I wont.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 My A ended because the OM found out that his wife was cheating on him & he decided he couldn't trust ANY woman after that. LMFAO....what a dumbass. If your marital issues are so bad that you find someone else to fulfil what your spouse isn't giving you, it's time to get out. Exactly
Dexter Morgan Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I knew his wife's name but never noted where she worked. Well, one day I was introduced to her professionally. She became REAL. I stopped the affair. Karma came knocking on my door a short while later. I married and my H cheated. The first thing I did was make myself REAL to OW. We have recovered because of many things - but doing that was really helpful to me, and probably to OW as well. So not being impartial to messing around with several MM in the past, how did you handle your husband's OW? did you have a sense of, "so this is what it feels like"?
NoIDidn't Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 What I would do differently, not put up with all the BS in the last few years.Gone total NC first time he moved back. Would have saved alot of time in between. Given him also the space needed to heal from his failed marriage. Set better boundries of what I will accept and what I wont. This sounds very unstable. Why did he go back the first time? I thought his W buried her head in the sand and ignored the A. Did his BW suddenly wake up and realize that he left and wanted him back? Why did you have to be the one doing all the giving? Giving him time. Giving him space. Giving him the benefit of the doubt far too often.
confusedinkansas Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 LMFAO....what a dumbass. Yep Dex....he was a dumbass! But mine also is an example of those of us that become "addicted" to another person & "addicted" to the A. I still think about him. Still Love him...Wouldn't take him back - or date him if I were single IN A MILLION YEARS!!
boldjack Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I wasn't exactly "busted", except by myself. If you've read any of my posts then you know that I was a "serial Cheater", big ******* really, I didn't care about the women I screwed, so I didn't care about their SO's either. The pain that I caused meant nothing to me as long as I was getting what I wanted. I didn't stop until I ****ed a woman, who had just had a baby. After sex, I was walking around her appt. and looked down at this baby in her crib. This newborn person "busted" me in a way nobody else could have. I told her SO about what we had done, and others as well, and have never cheated again, nor will I. No sex, no misguided affection, no emotional gratification, is worth the human misery an affair causes. An affair is only a good thing to the cheater, to everyone else it is a horror.
Author 65tr6 Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 This newborn person "busted" me in a way nobody else could have. I told her SO about what we had done, and others as well, and have never cheated again, nor will I. . yep you were busted by the baby. I am working so hard to get into a "cheater" brain but the more i try the more i am unconvinced. But one thing that seems consistent is cheaters cheat because they think they will never get caught.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I think finding someone that truly loves you and you truly love them, is not a bad thing. Maybe it started out on a weird foot, but love can withstand many obstacles.
LadyDi Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I was one of the loons who just never thought we'd get busted. I swear, it never crossed my mind, how dumb is that?! When it did I felt awful, for everyone! He looked and was miserable, the W was miserable and the whole thing just exploded in our faces. I did love the man though. We ended up NC, he broke that after a few weeks.....things then went off and on for 17 months with several more D-days thrown in. I don't know why we kept coming back together, only to be miserable when a D-day came again. Insanity. What did I learn? That people are crazy. We do stupid, irrational things when we KNOW better. That sex/love/lies are powerful suductions and many people do not have the will power/good sense/brains/morals to avoid it. That once emotions are strong it is hard to turn and walk away. I learned I am not as strong an individual mentally as I thought I was. Would I do anything different? That's a hard one. I enjoyed loving that man, he was interesting, funny....had numerous qualities I admired and liked. I loved being around him so no, I wouldn't have changed the fact that I loved him. But I would change the situation if I had the chance. I would have just stayed friends with him, not stepped over that boundary in hindsight. I never intended to hurt anyone.
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