beautiful.bronte Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 My husband moved to an appartment 7 month ago. We live overseas, I am european and he´s american. We have two kids. None of us have family around.(except my mother). I love him, but I was unfaithful once. We had problems before and I know there is no excuse. He was addicted to pills (I found out later and he was hooked to pills before he found out about infidelity). He was never really committed into our relationship, but I accepted things like this because I did loved him overall. He also drunk a lot since we met and play with drugs once in a while (I didnt know either). All this became worst after he found out. He abused of cocaine and became an alcoholic. I stood next to him, went to therapy and it´s been a year an a half without drugs or alcohol. Afer this, when he recover, he left. (It took 5 years). He was diagnose with celotipia (jealousy to sickness). I know he had a real bad time and sufffer a lot because what I did. Now, he is a new man. He takes care of his kids, show interest for life, he´s healthy. Also he is very good looking and funny type. I can´t get over this. We have been married for 17 years, not divorce yet and he still comes around the house, ask me to go out togheter with kids, bring presents for san valentines...now it´s been a week and he doesn´t call me or stop at the house, only talk to the kids. Please advice me. He is my life
donnamaybe Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 The thing you need to do is tell him how you really feel and go from there. You might instead put it in writing. It's sometimes easier to really get across how you feel if you write, read, and re-write. It's also sometimes better this way because the reader has time to really think about what you've said before they respond. Good luck!
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 My husband moved to an appartment 7 month ago. We live overseas, I am european and he´s american. We have two kids. None of us have family around.(except my mother). I love him, but I was unfaithful once. We had problems before and I know there is no excuse. He was addicted to pills (I found out later and he was hooked to pills before he found out about infidelity). He was never really committed into our relationship, but I accepted things like this because I did loved him overall. He also drunk a lot since we met and play with drugs once in a while (I didnt know either). All this became worst after he found out. He abused of cocaine and became an alcoholic. I stood next to him, went to therapy and it´s been a year an a half without drugs or alcohol. Afer this, when he recover, he left. (It took 5 years). He was diagnose with celotipia (jealousy to sickness). I know he had a real bad time and sufffer a lot because what I did. Now, he is a new man. He takes care of his kids, show interest for life, he´s healthy. Also he is very good looking and funny type. I can´t get over this. We have been married for 17 years, not divorce yet and he still comes around the house, ask me to go out togheter with kids, bring presents for san valentines...now it´s been a week and he doesn´t call me or stop at the house, only talk to the kids. Please advice me. He is my life No one should ever "be your life" sounds like hes recovering from a very rough time personally. Maybe its not as much you as it is him needing some time and space to work on himself have you guys talked about things? Maybe try some marriage counseling at least hes being there for your kids sorry I couldn't offer more...
Author beautiful.bronte Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 Thanks for your answer. I tried that many times, but it didn´t work. It´s also very hard to have a convertation with him after all these years, he is still obsesive with the idea that I cheated. He acuses me of being bisexual, having affairs with many men and women, when the truth is that I cheated only once. When I try to walk away from him, he looks for me, but always make clear that it´s only because of the kids well being...
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Well then I'm sorry but it sounds like hes not going to allow himself to forgive you some times all you can do is cut your losses and learn from mistakes. Not very comforting I know but I wouldn't be holding out allot of hope for things if thats his feelings on the matter you need to start moving on yourself.. have you 2 talked about divorce?
Author beautiful.bronte Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 He never wanted to file, actually it was me, since I couldn´t stand his anger anymore, the one who decide it to go to a lawyer. It cought him by surprise and at first he didn´t want to sign, but then he told me that it was best thing to do, so he did sign the papers (last october), then we had some finantial problems and I didn´t go back to the layer. Papers are signed but none of us had turning them in. Can a man forget and forgive an infidelity?
troubadour Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Can a man forget and forgive an infidelity? I would say that some can learn to live with it but to forget and forgive... I seriously doubt it.
lkjh Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Its pretty simple. You cheated and he no longer feels the same for you. If he wants out just let him go. Who is the guy you cheated with? Did your H know him? How long did the cheating go on for? Did you volunteer the info? Did you lie to him? Did you put him down? These questions can help you understand how badly you really betrayed him.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Can a man forget and forgive an infidelity? No I don't think so..
Author beautiful.bronte Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 He didn´t know the man. It was one nigth stand when I was on a working travel. I didn´t tell him, but he found out once that he asked me and I was kind of sleepy. I told him the truth but he when nuts and was irrational, didn´t believe me....One question. If he doesnt feel for me anymore, why is it that he keeps coming around? I dont give him any trouble with the kids or the money or anything, i try to make things the easiest. I would like to say that he found out a couple of years after infidelity happened and that after he did find out, we stay togheter more than 4 years. In all this time he left work to try to overcame the problems, open a bussines then close it, went back to work, open another bussines (now closing it)....and I have always ben there....But all he sees is that I cheated, I lied, and I am a bad person....it make me real sad, that all the good it´s gone and he keeps me in his memory like a witch....but stil he doesnt cut the string. Any male can explain to me this behavour?. I woud like to know your point of view
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 It sounds to me its been over for those 4 years he was just to preoccupied to officially end it and it also sounds like hes hanging around so much for the kids but thats JMO.. maybe some guys will explain it for you... He signed the divorce papers so its a done deal on his end I think your just mulling it over and over because you don't want to except the envitable...
Author beautiful.bronte Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 I know you are rigth, but it´s just that I dont know how start again....Also he keeps playing around with me, he knows that everytime he comes around I am there. He lives like 1 hour away, and its more confortable to see the kids at the house. Do you think I need to stop this? Like ask him to pick them up and drop them off without seeing each other? Shoud I ask him to take his things out of the house and return the keys? How do you start again? All my friends are married and have their lives, I dont go out firstbecause I dont feel like it and second because I dont know where to go, it seems to me that if I go out by myself its like I am looking for something....do you understand? By the way thanks for your answers. Are you in the states? are you divorce?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I know you are rigth, but it´s just that I dont know how start again....Also he keeps playing around with me, he knows that everytime he comes around I am there. He lives like 1 hour away, and its more confortable to see the kids at the house. Do you think I need to stop this? Like ask him to pick them up and drop them off without seeing each other? Shoud I ask him to take his things out of the house and return the keys? How do you start again? All my friends are married and have their lives, I dont go out firstbecause I dont feel like it and second because I dont know where to go, it seems to me that if I go out by myself its like I am looking for something....do you understand? By the way thanks for your answers. Are you in the states? are you divorce? No prob glad to help I was never divorced but I have had long term relashionships end and I know its never easy I am American but live overseas as well... Now back to the issue at hand yes I would arrange a pick up for the kids or alternatively when he comes over for there time together you go out! Take that time to get errands done or just do something for yourself lunch movie shop and so on theres no need for you two to be hanging out anymore that much. Especially since its so hard for you at the moment next thing is yes if hes moved into his own place? Don't allow him to leave anything at yours theres no reason for that hope this helps some what
Author beautiful.bronte Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Hi again, yes you do help, it always does when you look at things from others point of view. It is my first time in a forum, I am not the type of person that is usually on chat or forums, but certainly now it helps to read and get feedback from others. I would like to write to you through my email, if thats fine with you. just need to talk to somebody about anything doesn´t matter, I know I cant be all day long talking about my husband??? exhusband???. Dont worry if you do not wish to contact me by email, if thats the case thanks again and I hope you keep on posting. My e-mail: [email protected]
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Have you ever sincerely apologized for everything you have done? If you didnt want the divorce why did you sign the papers. IT's time to clear the air. have a final talk with him, tell him the truth, You gotta approach him correct. Be strong! and dont say yout sorry show your sorry. He's wallowing in hatred right now, he's in the anger stage. I dont think he wants the divorce truly. He's being hesistant. anyman who wanted to divorce a woman that cheated would have pressed their lawyer on the issue. You gotta stop being around the bush, if you dont confront this problem head on how will you ever resolve it. So what he screams at you, just leave the room, he's entitled to his anger but you dont have to take it. just go into the next room until he calms down and talks in a rational manner. Rebuilding takes time, but if you love him and want to be with him then show it. actions speak louder than words you know.
Author beautiful.bronte Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Yes I did apologized and I really meant it, also I think that standing nex to somebody for al these years, after all the bad things, coming home drunk, spending money, not looking after anything, drugs etc, I think this shows that I truly love him, even in his worst moments. These days are specially hard on me, since he stopped calling me. After he left he kept calling me at work two times a day and later on we use to talk at night when he called the kids, and now suddenly, no calls, no visits..nothing at all and it is hard, maybe thats the problem, we have been separated but still in some ways togheter, and I am use to be the only one he consulted for everything in his life.... Thanks
lkjh Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 maybe he really wants to split and is looking for someone else.
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