H0ney Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Hello everyone- I need some serious, serious help.. please know that i am a good person at heart whether you believe it or not and I just made a very, very bad mistake for the first time in my life and I'm so beside myself. I am in my early 20s and have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We get along great and for the longest time I was so in love with him, never pictured my life without him. Then all of a sudden, BAM! I began falling out of love with him. A lot of it has to do with the fact that he has lied to me in the past and I'm questioning his character. Also, in the beginning I put 110% into our relationship and never lied to or decieved him, and was the most loyal girl to him, but felt I never got the same in return. I guess after time it got frusterating and instead of communicating with him, I started having feelings for a guy that I work with, he is not bf material but we would just flirt a lot and stuff. There is a lot of attraction. A few nights ago I was at the bar with some coworkers, and my new crush happened to be there. I let things get WAY out of hand and went home with him. Please don't tell me I'm a horrible person- I already know I am and feel like the scum of the earth. Words cannot tell you how shocked I was at myself and how bad this guilt is getting to me. I feel so remorseful, I can't eat, I can't sleep, can't stop shaking, I can't even look at my boyfriend who I once loved so much, and I know would never do something like that to me. So, I haven't told my boyfriend, and doing so isn't really an option. I would rather deal with the guilt of what I did than put him through the pain. I got really really drunk last night with my bf and called him my crushes name though. He interrogated me and I think he knows something is obviously up, I tried to brush it off. I also know I can't stay with my boyfriend if I choose not to tell him, for either of our sake. Obviously there is something missing in the relationship and it needs to end. I don't know where I should go from here. I'm so lost. I never thought I would be in this position. Please help me!!!!!
Bleeve Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 You fell out of love with your bf and cheated. You can't take it back, so just break up with your bf. He can find someone that loves him then and you can find someone that you love and hopefully next time you fall out of love with someone, you will break if off first then, sleep with someone else. No guilt that way and far less hurt if he were to find out.
samspade Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 You're not a horrible person but you did a horrible thing. Break up with him like you should have in the first place. Also, in the beginning I put 110% into our relationship and never lied to or decieved him, and was the most loyal girl to him, but felt I never got the same in return. I guess after time it got frusterating and instead of communicating with him, I started having feelings for a guy that I work with, he is not bf material but we would just flirt a lot and stuff. It doesn't matter how much you put in, you cheated. No excuses. So, I haven't told my boyfriend, and doing so isn't really an option. I would rather deal with the guilt of what I did than put him through the pain. You mean you'd rather deal with the guilt than endure the potential consequences of him finding out. Here's the thing: If you DO tell him, it will be painful, but you'll still feel the guilt...and he'll be able to leave the relationship knowing it was your fault (if he has any self-respect). Your guilt and his pain are not mutually exclusive; don't act like you're doing him a favor. Nevertheless, I think it's just more important that you end it. What's done is done. If you can't tell him the real reason, at least own up to the fact that you don't want to be in a relationship with him. If you shift the blame to him, he'll feel like he can change and save things.
lkjh Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 You need to tell him. Also you started falling out of love with him because of this other guy. Girls tend to re-write history when they cheat. Don't lie to yourself. Just be honest and life goes on.
voldigicam Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I've been in some long relationships where one or the other of us falls out of love sort of, then back in even better. Things are complex. As an older guy, hey, things happen! I used to not get bothered very much when I ex stepped out. She'd be back. She was kind of cute to find spooned up with some chick when I'd come back to town early. Probably should have suggested a voldigicam sandwich, but it was her game and I wasn't about to horn in. Just leave quietly and phone in an arrival time. But it takes maturity and forgiveness and possibly some warped sense of this and that, at least in comparison to most of society. I don't believe people are naturally monogamous. Or even that monogamy for a lifetime is necessarily healthy for everyone. Hardest thing might be to figure out whether you are really wanting to be with current BF in the long run. If so, then a discussion would be in order. Set up ground rules, including what you tell and what you don't. Get the feelings up and down stuff on the table. Very hard to do. My current SO won't even get into the ground rules! Not even on what constitutes neglect in a relationship. Problem, when you commit to truth and talking about this and that, the BF will know something is up. If he asks for details, you've got to give them, and you might end up without a BF. I'm rambling, there you go. Some thoughts.
imagine Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 So now you wear your BF shoes. Perfectly matched I'd say.
Bryanp Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your boyfriend to be honest with you? You have disrespected him in the worst possible way. Please at least respect him enough to tell him the truth. Wouldn't you want the same?
hurt4life Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Hello everyone- I need some serious, serious help.. please know that i am a good person at heart whether you believe it or not and I just made a very, very bad mistake for the first time in my life and I'm so beside myself. I am in my early 20s and have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We get along great and for the longest time I was so in love with him, never pictured my life without him. Then all of a sudden, BAM! I began falling out of love with him. A lot of it has to do with the fact that he has lied to me in the past and I'm questioning his character. Also, in the beginning I put 110% into our relationship and never lied to or decieved him, and was the most loyal girl to him, but felt I never got the same in return. I guess after time it got frusterating and instead of communicating with him, I started having feelings for a guy that I work with, he is not bf material but we would just flirt a lot and stuff. There is a lot of attraction. A few nights ago I was at the bar with some coworkers, and my new crush happened to be there. I let things get WAY out of hand and went home with him. Please don't tell me I'm a horrible person- I already know I am and feel like the scum of the earth. Words cannot tell you how shocked I was at myself and how bad this guilt is getting to me. I feel so remorseful, I can't eat, I can't sleep, can't stop shaking, I can't even look at my boyfriend who I once loved so much, and I know would never do something like that to me. So, I haven't told my boyfriend, and doing so isn't really an option. I would rather deal with the guilt of what I did than put him through the pain. I got really really drunk last night with my bf and called him my crushes name though. He interrogated me and I think he knows something is obviously up, I tried to brush it off. I also know I can't stay with my boyfriend if I choose not to tell him, for either of our sake. Obviously there is something missing in the relationship and it needs to end. I don't know where I should go from here. I'm so lost. I never thought I would be in this position. Please help me!!!!! You sound like a good hearted person but what you did was still wrong. I happen to be in your BF's shoes, the difference is I know. It doesn't matter if you fell out of love or not, that fact is, you cheated on him. If you feel you want to try to make your relationship work, be honest with him and go from there. If you have already given up hope on the relationship, break up with him. Nobody plans for things like this to happen, it's a shame that it does. And noone is really prepared for the consquences nor the hurt it causes.
samspade Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Nobody plans for things like this to happen, it's a shame that it does. And noone is really prepared for the consquences nor the hurt it causes. That's b.s. Cut the passive voice. It didn't just happen. She had been flirting with her co-worker and had plenty of time to consider the consequences. She made the decision to cheat.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 So, I haven't told my boyfriend, and doing so isn't really an option. I would rather deal with the guilt of what I did than put him through the pain. I got really really drunk last night with my bf and called him my crushes name though. He interrogated me and I think he knows something is obviously up, I tried to brush it off. I also know I can't stay with my boyfriend if I choose not to tell him, for either of our sake. Obviously there is something missing in the relationship and it needs to end. I don't know where I should go from here. I'm so lost. I never thought I would be in this position. Please help me!!!!! You don't seem like the kind of person that can just deal with the guilt. You seem to have too much of a heart. Honestly... why are you staying with a BF you don't really love... and can't trust? Are you afraid to leave him?
hurt4life Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 That's b.s. Cut the passive voice. It didn't just happen. She had been flirting with her co-worker and had plenty of time to consider the consequences. She made the decision to cheat. All I meant was that nobody really goes around in life saying "i plan on cheating". I happens. Bad decision but it happened.
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