Author pkn06002 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 65tr6 Let me start off as no I do not regret marrying my wife, she was a good choice at the time. I was pretty much a mess emotionally at that part of my life and had pretty much zero in the way of confidence. She was the first woman that really responded to me after 2 years of searching. Two years earlier to that I was in a relationship that very much crushed me. My wife in many ways was like that woman that crushed me. Now I did have another option when I meet her that really should've taken and I even knew that at the time. There was another woman that was more of a better match, but because of my low self confidence at the time I did not go after her. There are some other mitigating factors like my wife being a virgin that made me feel obligated to her. For the first several years of our marriage it was good. I really did love my wife and had passion and desire for her. Even after our daughter was born I still had that. But my wife went through early menopause and that changed her emotionally. She went from a young at heart person to acting like her mom. I tried for a long time to change that to no avail. Do I regret my daughter NO!!!!! I love my daughter more than ANYONE in my life. She is the reason I smile in the morning (even when she is bad). Fog causing me to be negative?? I don't think so, that type of thinking ended months ago. I no longer long for the affair or see it as the ideal relationship. Was the OW more compatible in many ways yes she was. Would she be my ideal partner I am not really sure of that now, at one time I would've said yes. Don't get me wrong I think you can have this "magic" type of marriage that everyone wants. You just have to of found the right person to have that with or someone that is willing to work with you to have that. How many people actually get that? I was fanatic about "fixing" things when I first told her. It got burned out of me over the months. I saw a repeat of what has always happened in our relationship I gave she took and was happy. I got very little back that made me happy, so I quit. You are right it is not a good sign. I have brought this up to the MC and she told me what she sees in me is someone that is not happy but not willing to leave either. So it is to my benefit if I try to make things better. I know that many BS will say it is my responsibility to put it all back together, but if the relationship is going back together in the same shape it was before the affair what is the point? Still in love with the OW??? To a small extent that is true, but I work very hard to keep her out of my thoughts. It is one of those interesting things someone you still care for but want nothing to do with. One of those wonderful duplicity things from and affair. What makes me think I am thinking better now about what would be a better match then when I meet my wife. Good question and here is my answer. The OW was very much a collection of traits that I had in different relationships that made those relationships work to a varying extents. But those other relationships always ended because something was missing. But with her there was something different that made it click (yes I know idolizing the OW), but bare with me. There was really one BIG difference with her that I could not quit get a grip on and that was the fact that sex was not my driving force. Yes it was good but I rather of just spent time with her. I had a desire for her that was different than any other relationship I have had. I wanted to share things with her that I never wanted to share with anyone. So I really started to think about why I felt that way and I see saw traits from my wife and two other relationships I valued in this one person(believe me she has her flaws, that I now see). I actually made a list of those traits and I can even tell you which woman I found those in. On that list there were repeated traits that I always looked for. Especially a specific collection of traits in relationships I was very passionate about. It became one of those "ah ha" moments when I saw what made this and one other relationship very different from all the others I have had. Am I playing is safe for now, yes you have that right. That is for a lot of reasons some you have mentioned.
Author pkn06002 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 I do want to thank everyone that is responding. You are helping me very much letting me talk this out in a constructive non-combative way. It does help a lot to get this all out instead of just having it spin around and around in my head. Taylor/65tr6 or anyone that may ask. I know now (finally) that my xOW is not the only woman that could meet what I want. She was just the one at the time that did. Believe me that has been a good thing to get my head around in terms of moving on.
taylor Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 PKN, Your Post #76 was one of the most honest and introspective posts I have read on this forum in a long time. Thank you for sharing.
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