Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 JW That is all fine and dandy. He can do all those things. Yes, the wife shares responsibility in the state of the marriage and she can commit to fixing her end. But one thing still remains......she was betrayed in one of the worst ways and what he did to her will stay with her. She won't forget. So both of them had a role in the state of their marriage, but only one of them cheated. You talk about HER taking responsibility in the marriage that led pk to cheat, but say nothing, other than lip service and some slick psychology, of what HE should do for his part in what happened. Words are nothing...actions are everything. So jw, what is it that pk needs to do besides talk a good game?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 pkn, here's hoping you will find some kind of joy with your decision---no regrets and no resentments.... no regrets? he shouldn't regret his affair?
Author pkn06002 Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 no regrets? he shouldn't regret his affair? Dexter I will give you a nugget you can hold on to and use to your hearts content against me. I have no remorse, guilt or regret about my affair. None. But tell me oh wise Dexter what else I can do to "win" my wife back?? Huh??? I have followed that magic marriage builders method, read everything I could find on how to make things right. Go to MC make date nights, open and transparent etc.. etc.. all that USELESS CRAP that a WS is supposed to do. Oh and what has that gotten me NOTHING! I have a BS that is wanting to keep the status quo of how things were before my affair. Why because that is where she is comfortable and happy. Before the affair: I tried every trick I knew to make a woman happy. Since a happy wife always wants to make her husband happy right??? Oh wait that did not work either. So spare me your stupid crap of how I cheated and this is all on me to fix. Sing that song to someone that cares, because I don't. Without participation by both of us this is such a useless exercise is it just stupid. Frankly at this point I really don't care what the out come of any of this is, other than I want my child happy. Oh before you give me the "simple" answer of divorce. See my other posts as to why that is not an option for me right now. You want to argue with other folks go start your own thread.
Owl Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Pkn...I'm not "calling you out" here, but I'd like to point out a very, very basic "Catch 22" that caught my eye in your last post. You told Dex: I have no remorse, guilt or regret about my affair. None. But tell me oh wise Dexter what else I can do to "win" my wife back?? Huh??? And my immediate response to you is this...you cannot possibly "win her back" if you have zero remorse or regret for your affair. If you do not regret the affair...I'd seriously tell you to file for divorce, because I do NOT see any opportunity for recvery here. That's not an attack...but it's my first response to what I've read. If you don't regret it in any fashion...there's nothing left to build your marriage on. Call it a day. As far as staying for your child only...that's your call. But I'd be seriously worried at what you child would learn abour marriage/relationships from observiing you and your wife in a loveless one for years. I wish you well, friend.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Dexter I will give you a nugget you can hold on to and use to your hearts content against me. I have no remorse, guilt or regret about my affair. None. Then set your wife free from you. But tell me oh wise Dexter what else I can do to "win" my wife back?? Huh??? With an attitude of no regret?....nothing. That is unless you can snowball your wife and she doesn't know you don't regret it and merely ACT like you want this marriage. Before the affair: I tried every trick I knew to make a woman happy. Since a happy wife always wants to make her husband happy right??? Oh wait that did not work either. So spare me your stupid crap of how I cheated and this is all on me to fix. apparantly you can't read. I said, if you care to look again, that she has a responsibility to share in the role of your marriage and she should fix things on HER end. Sing that song to someone that cares, because I don't. its obvious you don't care about your wife....and can't read. Without participation by both of us this is such a useless exercise is it just stupid. And again, I advocated that 2 people need to participate in fixing the marriage. However, it was suggested that your wife do what she needs to do to fix it, but nothing about what you should do now that the affair is found out. Frankly at this point I really don't care what the out come of any of this is, other than I want my child happy. Well your child will be fine if you two divorce. And with your attitude, thats what I'd suggest. Oh before you give me the "simple" answer of divorce. See my other posts as to why that is not an option for me right now. I don't care about why its not an option for you. Unless you are tied to the hip to your wife and if severed a bomb will explode killing you both...there is no reason to stay married....especially with your attitude. Not finances, not your child, not losing a status quo situation....NOTHING.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If you do not regret the affair...I'd seriously tell you to file for divorce, because I do NOT see any opportunity for recvery here. BOOM! There you have it.
Author pkn06002 Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Pkn...I'm not "calling you out" here, but I'd like to point out a very, very basic "Catch 22" that caught my eye in your last post. You told Dex: And my immediate response to you is this...you cannot possibly "win her back" if you have zero remorse or regret for your affair. If you do not regret the affair...I'd seriously tell you to file for divorce, because I do NOT see any opportunity for recvery here. That's not an attack...but it's my first response to what I've read. If you don't regret it in any fashion...there's nothing left to build your marriage on. Call it a day. As far as staying for your child only...that's your call. But I'd be seriously worried at what you child would learn abour marriage/relationships from observiing you and your wife in a loveless one for years. I wish you well, friend. Owl you are not telling me anything I don't know, actually in a constructive way (unlike some folks). Believe me I am trying really trying to figure out a way to be happy in my marriage to set that good role model. But for every step I think we are making forward we take 4 back. There are times (like this weekend) where events just have me thinking, why the hell did I get married. But I am coming closer and closer to what you mention above. Big part is I am really full of bitterness that I can't let it go. I am bitter that I broke one cycle that my father had but not the other. I am bitter that I cannot find my way back. I am bitter that I don't hate the OW no matter how much I want to. I am bitter that I don't feel period, because to get past the withdrawal I shelved my emotions. I am done posting for a while, this is becoming counter productive for me. You all take care.
taylor Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 pkn, Our MC told us that for a marriage to improve, BOTH my husband and I needed to step out of the box, step out of our comfort zone. While I agree with the MC that change does not happen unless both partners are willings to do some changing, it is a very challenging thing to do if one or both are very set in their ways. And it's nearly impossible if the change requires a total deviation from one's personality. For example, a shy person will never become a social butterfly. An extrovert will never become a homebody. A very physically active person will never be content to spend hours reading books/doing quiet sedentary activities. And a sedentary person will never find enjoyment in training for a triathalon. It's just not going to happen. Tell me this. Do you believe YOU changed over the course of your marriage and now want a partner that is more like the new you? Or do you believe your wife changed more over the course of the marriage and is now a person totally different than the one you married..and you'd like to have the old one back? I'm suspecting the latter scenario is closer to reality. You say your wife acts 30 some years older than she should...more like a senior than a middle-ager. Why do you think that is? I know people who are 25 who act 55 and I know 55 yo's who act 25. I like to hang with the young-at-heart crowd...prefer the company of those 5 to 10 years younger than myself. I feel more comfortable with this age group...interests, activities, energy. How about you? Do you think if you and your wife associated with younger people...if you tore her away from her mother once in a while...you might be able to "inject" some youthfulness in her. One of my fears, because of the differences in how my husband and I look at age, is that he will be heading for the rocking chair (mentally) way before I will. I vow to not let this happen because I plan on fighting it every step of the way when that time comes. (lol) I hate it when people say, "Act your age." What the he** does that mean? As long as you are being responsible and respectful, age, to me, is a state of mind.
Owl Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I get what you're saying about your fears, Taylor, but even if the two of you ARE different, that doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed. My wife is very much a homebody. She's not an active person. I am. On weekends, I go rollerskating with my boys, occasionally we play paintball, or go skydiving. My wife does none of these things. But, that's ok, because we've found that we are able to share a lot of other interests. We have our time apart, but we also have at least as much time together doing things we both enjoy as well. We've found a good balance in this. AND...we both take good measures to ensure that neither of us engages in "risky" behavior when we ARE doing our own things. I'm nearly always with my sons when I'm doing these activities, and do NOT get close to any females that happen to share my hobbies. My wife has put up very similar boundaries in her online gaming (which we both share to a degree) and other more sedate activities that I don't generally participate in as much. Find your balance, and keep good boundaries...it CAN work out. In PKN's case, I'm willing to bet that they've BOTH changed over the years...not that it's anyone's "fault" in that respect. It's normal...people change. It just sounds to me like his expectations of his wife have changed, and she's not very likely to want to or be able to meet them at this point. The comments about plastic surgery for bags under her eyes and fixing her nose are key points in this...to be honest, I'd be HEARTILY offended if my wife felt that I needed surgery to be attractive to her. Regardless of whether or not that was a pre-existing condition or not. Throw in how he feels about the overall situation, and his affair, and I don't see much reason for either of them to fight for this marriage any further. I think that it's dead, and is just waiting for the two of them to end it. I don't see this being fixed.
taylor Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I have no remorse, guilt or regret about my affair. None. I felt this same way for a long time, too, pkn, so I understand where you are coming from. A long time ago I posted about this..the post got lost in cyberspace with the great LS crash last spring. But I made an analogy that went something like this: You are in a hot, arid desert dying of thirst. No reprieve in sight. You are ready to give up, lie down in the sand and die. Then all of a sudden you see an oasis before you. Lush green trees and endless flowing water. Is it a mirage? You don't know. You don't care. That's all you know is you are drawn to it. You pick yourself up and head for the oasis with a new found sense of strength and inner vitality. You drink from the well. The water never tasted so good. You feel alive. You feel like you have been saved. And then the mirage disappears and you find yourself alone in the desert again..miles and miles of endless sand..the heating beating at your back. You feel lost again and you once again begin to thirst. You lose that inner strength to go on and just want to lie down in the sand again. And when you do, that's all you do is think about that oasis and how it almost saved you. If the marriage shows no signs of improvement and you have no hope that it will, you are like a wanderer in the desert. You will hold on to the affair and all the "good" and all the "happy" that it brought into your life. And you will never regret it or feel guilty about it because it "saved" you...it brought some real happiness into your life that you feel you will never have again. You won't feel remorse, regret, or guilt unless and until you start to find some happiness in your marriage. As long as you continue to look at your marriage with hopeless despair...as a desert with no well to drink from, you will cling to the images of the oasis...the affair...and not regret that you took comfort there.
taylor Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I get what you're saying about your fears, Taylor, but even if the two of you ARE different, that doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed. We've found that we are able to share a lot of other interests. We have our time apart, but we also have at least as much time together doing things we both enjoy as well. We've found a good balance in this. Find your balance, and keep good boundaries...it CAN work out. In PKN's case, I'm willing to bet that they've BOTH changed over the years...not that it's anyone's "fault" in that respect. It's normal...people change. It just sounds to me like his expectations of his wife have changed, and she's not very likely to want to or be able to meet them at this point. The comments about plastic surgery for bags under her eyes and fixing her nose are key points in this...to be honest, I'd be HEARTILY offended if my wife felt that I needed surgery to be attractive to her. Regardless of whether or not that was a pre-existing condition or not. Throw in how he feels about the overall situation, and his affair, and I don't see much reason for either of them to fight for this marriage any further. I think that it's dead, and is just waiting for the two of them to end it. I don't see this being fixed. Yes, it does require finding that balance, OWL. You have helped me tremendously to realize that two people going down ever diverging paths can have a meeting of the minds...can find some common ground to walk on and be happy and satisfied with. But it does require a stepping out of the box for both parties and alot of compromise. I think it also requires an adjustment to values...learning to appreciate the things your spouse values and appreciates...at least to some degree. It's still a challenge but a fun challenge now...not something we "use" against each other out of spite, resentment or revenge. For example, my husband and I are miles apart in what we like in music. He's still stuck in the 80's and I love so much of the new stuff...We take friendly flirty jabs at each other about our music tastes now BUT we both take time to listen to each other's music. I'm no longer calling him an old "F*** for his taste in music and he's no longer telling me to "grow up" because of my taste in music. He'd rather sit and read three newspapers from front to back while I would rather hit the gym or take a 20 mile bike ride. I used to resent his lack of interest in physical fitness and he used to resent my lack of interest in "intellectual" pursuits. I used to tell him I'm not going to take care of him when he gets old if he won't even lift a finger to keep himself in shape. I even told him I won't want him if he turns into a big fat blob. He would counter with, "Well, why dont you pick up a newspaper once in a while so you have something interesting to say." But now I will sit, read, and discuss the paper with him and when I've had enough I will pull him out of the chair and drag him outdoors...only now he goes much more willingly. These are just two very trivial examples of how we have learned to deal with our differences. It's really just a matter of understanding where the other one is coming from and adjusting attitudes. Instead of using our differences against each other, we try to embrace them. About pkn, I think he is more concerned about how she acts (like an old person) than he is about her actual looks. And I think he said the nose and the bags were things she wanted fixed, not necessarily something he wanted her to fix. I could be wrong about that.
65tr6 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I have no remorse, guilt or regret about my affair. None. You think you hurt your wife and your kid(s) by having an affair ? It is not always about you, is it ?....It is how your actions can hurt others.. You say you are going to stay in the marriage for your kid, right ? Fine, do that. I agree with you. You know why ? Sometimes, people give too much importance to f* marriage. There are more things in life than living for yourself and your SO. So why dont you start living the life to the fullest ? Marriage is only part of it...it is not everything, by any means. Can you find the happiness you are looking for yourself and may be not depend on others for a while ? Before my wife's affair, I knew my marriage was bad (even though that is debateable !) but not once did I think that my life was over and finished or was unhappy. Not once. So what if my needs were not met, I still had a great life. What about you ? Dont tell me your life circled around your wife and your lover. Yes I would have loved to have my wife met my top three needs but that was far from the reality. (f* that, I didnt even know there were things called "needs" and if you dont meet them then some spouses look outside their marriage) I am not even going to say the D word because I dont believe in it and I dont think you are even capable of making that decision right now. And more importantly you want to stay in the marriage...albeit for the sake of your kid. Then do it. Stay and work on you. It can be done. STOP EXPECTING. Alteast for a while. Start giving. Start with something. Start with your kid if you dont want to work on your marriage right now. If you truely love your kid, start putting your time and energy in that direction. Be a better dad. Be a better son/sibling/friend whatever. Start reading. Stop thinking about OW for now. Believe in yourself. Who knows, it is time to tap that unlimited potential in you.
Author pkn06002 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 You think you hurt your wife and your kid(s) by having an affair ? It is not always about you, is it ?....It is how your actions can hurt others.. You say you are going to stay in the marriage for your kid, right ? Fine, do that. I agree with you. You know why ? Sometimes, people give too much importance to f* marriage. There are more things in life than living for yourself and your SO. So why dont you start living the life to the fullest ? Marriage is only part of it...it is not everything, by any means. Can you find the happiness you are looking for yourself and may be not depend on others for a while ? Before my wife's affair, I knew my marriage was bad (even though that is debateable !) but not once did I think that my life was over and finished or was unhappy. Not once. So what if my needs were not met, I still had a great life. What about you ? Dont tell me your life circled around your wife and your lover. Yes I would have loved to have my wife met my top three needs but that was far from the reality. (f* that, I didnt even know there were things called "needs" and if you dont meet them then some spouses look outside their marriage) I am not even going to say the D word because I dont believe in it and I dont think you are even capable of making that decision right now. And more importantly you want to stay in the marriage...albeit for the sake of your kid. Then do it. Stay and work on you. It can be done. STOP EXPECTING. Alteast for a while. Start giving. Start with something. Start with your kid if you dont want to work on your marriage right now. If you truely love your kid, start putting your time and energy in that direction. Be a better dad. Be a better son/sibling/friend whatever. Start reading. Stop thinking about OW for now. Believe in yourself. Who knows, it is time to tap that unlimited potential in you. 65tr6: you wrote down what I am thinking and already doing. Taylor: Your analogy about what an affair feels like is spot on. Now in my current case I do not pine for the affair or my partner anymore. I have moved past comparing the affair to my marriage, they are two separate events. I have to deal with the here and now. Owl: The plastic surgery was my wifes idea not mine, it was just a discussion not a serious decision. Thanks again everyone for your posts.
jwi71 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 JW That is all fine and dandy. He can do all those things. Yes, the wife shares responsibility in the state of the marriage and she can commit to fixing her end. But one thing still remains......she was betrayed in one of the worst ways and what he did to her will stay with her. She won't forget. So both of them had a role in the state of their marriage, but only one of them cheated. You talk about HER taking responsibility in the marriage that led pk to cheat, but say nothing, other than lip service and some slick psychology, of what HE should do for his part in what happened. Words are nothing...actions are everything. So jw, what is it that pk needs to do besides talk a good game? Dexter- No one disagrees that PK dropped a nuclear bomb on his M. And it can't be unexploded. PK has tersely listed things he has done earlier. He can and SHOULD continue trying to meet her needs. He can and SHOULD talk, which we all know is an ACTION. If his W doesn't reciprocate? Doesn't begin to thaw? Then the A killed the M. And the ONLY option is to D. My opinion. PK- Here's something for you, and I'm sure you have mulled it over. 1) Talk to your MC and get his/her opinion on moving out temporarily, say 6 months or a year. 2) Talk to your attorney about the same. Ask if he thinks a notarized and agreed contract that the move is temporary and NOT considered abandonment is acceptable and NOT putting you at risk. Get a legal opinion. 3) Talk to your W about the same only after two green lights from one and two above. 4) Devise a custody schedule. It is 50-50 for each. Think on it and work together to agree on one that is fair to not only the parents but your child. And I hope during this conversation it becomes clear what will happen...and maybe, just maybe, the conversation can turn from "how to make it happen" to "how to avoid this". Which is basically a conversation about unmet needs and RECONCILIATION. Hint, hint. 5) The try a separation. With rules and limitations, like NO dating. No OW. Just living apart for several months. No going over to do the lawn. Or fix the faucet. You live as if your W is dead and she lives as if you are dead. The ONLY contact is about the child. 6) In direct refutation of 5, time to use the intuition. When, and forgive the Hallmark moment, the time and situation feels right (ugh)...try and gently reconnect. Maybe a cup of coffee. Or dinner. If you reconnect...GREAT. You can begin to reconcile and MAYBE recapture the M you both had. It not...GREAT. Now you KNOW its dead, your child is in fact not a wreck and you BOTH can live lives apart and STILL raise a NORMAL HEALTHY child. Either way you learn to live w/o the other. Your child slowly adjusts. You both adjust. The end game, no matter the direction...is so much easier with doubts erased.
Author pkn06002 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 I actually talked to our MC about a separation and she was against it. She says if you are going to pull that trigger than pull it. The people she sees that have done the separation thing it did not help in any way shape of fashion. I do have an attorneys name and number just have never called him. I do understand the separation idea but I do agree with our MC if I go that route I will be out for good.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Dexter- No one disagrees that PK dropped a nuclear bomb on his M. And it can't be unexploded. PK has tersely listed things he has done earlier. He can and SHOULD continue trying to meet her needs. He can and SHOULD talk, which we all know is an ACTION. If his W doesn't reciprocate? Doesn't begin to thaw? Then the A killed the M. And the ONLY option is to D. All fine and dandy.....except for one small problem. He doesn't regret the affair and is not remorseful for what happened. he admitted this himself. Therefore, any effort from him would be nothing of the sort and would only make it appear that he cares for his marriage or his wife. so why bother?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I actually talked to our MC about a separation and she was against it. She says if you are going to pull that trigger than pull it. I agree. I do have an attorneys name and number just have never called him. As Larry The Cable Guy would say....."Git 'r Done!"
Author pkn06002 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 All fine and dandy.....except for one small problem. He doesn't regret the affair and is not remorseful for what happened. he admitted this himself. Therefore, any effort from him would be nothing of the sort and would only make it appear that he cares for his marriage or his wife. so why bother? You know I disagree with you at times but you do have a way of cutting to the heart of the issue. Because what you describe above is what I am already doing. I very much give the appearance that I care about the marriage, where I really don't (at least in the romantic sense). Just a question why to you always answer in two posts and not just one? Just something I noticed.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 You know I disagree with you at times but you do have a way of cutting to the heart of the issue. Because what you describe above is what I am already doing. I very much give the appearance that I care about the marriage, where I really don't (at least in the romantic sense). Well I do have a pretty good bs detector and have dealt with betrayal to know. Just a question why to you always answer in two posts and not just one? Just something I noticed. cuz I can;)
taylor Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I very much give the appearance that I care about the marriage, where I really don't (at least in the romantic sense). Why are you even bothering going to MC if you don't care about the marriage? What a big waste of time and money. And why are you trying to put up a false appearance? For your child? How long do you think you can put up this charade? One of these days when your child is older and able to discern more, he will look at you and say, "OK, Dad, you can stop pretending now."
Author pkn06002 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Why are you even bothering going to MC if you don't care about the marriage? What a big waste of time and money. And why are you trying to put up a false appearance? For your child? How long do you think you can put up this charade? One of these days when your child is older and able to discern more, he will look at you and say, "OK, Dad, you can stop pretending now." Well Taylor all good questions, with no real go answers other than I do it. If I am going to stay then I have to do the best I can to put the marriage into a place where we can all get along. I am not going to have the type of marriage that you are building(for example), I have come to grips with that. But we can have a functional marriage that works for the benefit of our child. Now the second part yes when she gets to the age where she "knows" I make that final decision. See I have come to not believe in the perfect marriage that all of these methods (like marriage builders, Dr. Phil etc..) say you can have. I think you can if you have a good compatibility to begin with but I have come to realize my wife and I don't have that to start with. Everyone questioned when I got married as to why I was marrying who I was, since they saw the incompatibilities. I did not want to see them because I felt it was time to get married and I was lonely. What I am shooting for now is "imperfect harmony" (good book by the way), until I can emotionally make that last step. Where we can work together to raise a good child. Sure that passion, love, desire that we all want is not there (for me at least) but I do have responsibilities that I have to play out. Would this all of been better without an affair, maybe. But I did have all of these thoughts in my head before that started. Like I have said before during my affair my marriage was never on the table until the end and my affair went 3+ years. My affair only made those thoughts more acute. Really did give me a sense of what I want/need in a relationship. What 65tr6 posted last is really where I am at. (shrug)
taylor Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 See I have come to not believe in the perfect marriage that all of these methods (like marriage builders, Dr. Phil etc..) say you can have. I think you can if you have a good compatibility to begin with but I have come to realize my wife and I don't have that to start with. Everyone questioned when I got married as to why I was marrying who I was, since they saw the incompatibilities. I did not want to see them because I felt it was time to get married and I was lonely. It makes me sad to read this, PKN. But I have heard this before. I read an article about timing and marriage. The article said women find THE ONE and THEN decide to get married, regardless of whether they are really ready for marriage. Men decide it's time for them to settle down THEN find someone to do it with, regardless of whether it's really the right person for them. Marriages work best for women who are ready to get married at the same time they find Mr. Right. And marriages work best for men who have the right girl on their arm at the time they decide they want to settle down. You were ready to settle down, but didn't have the right girl before you. ***** Sometimes I feel like I want to shake your hand out of respect for taking the high road and living your life for your child...for her sake..for her well being. At other times I just want to shake you out of frustration. You are living the life of a martyr. And I can't help but think one of these days you are going to regret it. And when your daughter is all grown up I don't think it's going to make her happy to learn that you stayed in a loveless marriage just for her. She will be sad and maybe feel guilty, believing she was somehow responsible for you wasting your life in an unhappy loveless marriage. My parents divorced when I was a teenager. They were totally incompatible and my father had an affair. I hated him for awhile for what he did to my mother and to our family. But when I grew up I understood what happened and why. He and my mother made the right choice to divorce and they were both happier because of it. I am GLAD they did not stay together for the sake of us kids. I would have always felt bad that they both wasted their lives in an unhappy marriage. My father went on to marry the OW. I hated her, too, for awhile, but came to realize that my father was TRULY HAPPY. And she truly loved him and cared for him. She loved him and he loved her in ways my parents couldn't love each other. I came to admire my father's marriage to my step-mother. I would never have wanted to be the thing that kept him from finding love like that in his life. My affair... did give me a sense of what I want/need in a relationship. And you will always yearn for that..because you are human.
Author pkn06002 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 It is what it is, we all make choices that we have to live with. About the "knowing" what I want/need I never really knew. I have stumbled upon it twice but really did not know what that "it" was, I do now. I very much know what traits to look for in someone that I really can have that passion, desire etc... with. What happens in the long term is still to be decided. (shrug)
taylor Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 It is what it is, we all make choices that we have to live with. We all make choices we CHOOSE to live with...and hopefully don't come to regret. I truly do hope you will not come to regret this choice. I very much know what traits to look for in someone that I really can have that passion, desire etc... with. And I hope someday you will stumble on this again when you are ready to live your life for you.
65tr6 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 See I have come to not believe in the perfect marriage that all of these methods (like marriage builders, Dr. Phil etc..) say you can have. I think you can if you have a good compatibility to begin with but I have come to realize my wife and I don't have that to start with. pkn, I dont agree with you on this....BUT I understand what you are saying. May be because I am an optimist. I very rarely look at things negatively....I also think it is your "fog" speaking. If it makes you feel any better or worse, most of the folks think this way. That is why over 95% of the marriages are NOT perfect or have truely achieved vintage love. This is not my statistic. I can give you reference if you want. That does NOT mean you should NOT aim for it. Infact go for it. But know that there is NO Mr. Right or Ms. Right. They dont exist. They never existed. They never will. There is no question, you understand relationships better now. The A I am sure taught you that to an extent. But there is NO guarantee that you are right now but wrong back when you married your wife. Let me ask you this....Do you regret marrying your wife ? Do you regret bringing your dear daughter (i am assuming the gender here) to this world ? Where do you stop ? Instead, can you ask yourself, what have you learnt from this affair and what CAN you learn ? Do I think there is more women out there who are more "compatible" with me ?. All the time. I think I could find one if I started looking. But that is not what I want. I dont think that is what you want. I am not saying you stay in the marriage for your kid and stick with it. I am saying stay in the marriage because you dont know what you want for now. So, play it safe. Then, become hopefully you will figure out soon what you and your wife want next. After an A, I started to believe more and more that it takes a fanatic to save the marriage. I dont see that in your wife...(correct me if I am wrong). I dont see that in you...(party because you still in love with OW). And I am not blaming your wife by any means. But without that passion/energy it is a long way to recovery. Neither of you is seeing this A as a wake-up call and that is not a good sign. Everyone questioned when I got married as to why I was marrying who I was, since they saw the incompatibilities.. And yet you married your wife. So now you are questioning you own decision making process ? What is the guarantee that you are not wrong now ?
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