blind_otter Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I want to know if I sound like I am being overly demanding or bitchy... My mom is the person who watches my son for us. She is kind enough to do this for free, and in turn I rarely call on her. In the 8 months he has been outside of the womb, I have had her babysit 6 times and never for more than 3 hours at a time. Once I had her come over when she had the morning off and just sit with my son while I did some heavy duty cleaning, as well. That was only for about an hour, though. My older sister, OTOH, uses my mom to babysit for her at least once a week, sometimes twice. And she brings her kids over (she is pregnant with her 4th) 2-3 times a week. So they get a lot of grandma time. My sister's kids range in age from 3-9. Of the 6 times I have asked my mother to watch my son, my sister has brought her kids over 4 of those times. So my mom ends up watching 4 kids, which is a lot (IMO) for a women who is in her 60s and preparing for retirement. She loves it and never complains, but I do know that she feels a little overloaded. The times that she has had my son and his cousins over, she gets really frustrated and harried, which is understandable. Now that he can crawl around and get into things and stand up and cruise he is a little more of a handful than when you could just sit him down and walk away. The last time my mom watched my son (last sunday - the first time in almost 2 months, I might add), my sister brought her kids over (without any prior notice) and my mom ended up calling me to come get me son after about 90 minutes with him and the other kids. My sister had already had my mother watch her kids all day on saturday, and I specifically picked sunday so that my mom wouldn't have to watch all 4 kids at once. I felt like my sister should have made other arrangements...instead I had to cut a visit short with a friend who was injured in a car accident. My sister and I have to "share" my mother's babysitting time, IMO, and I want my son to have some unadulterated grandma time for a few hours. Do you think that is being bitchy and demanding? I know that being 7 months pregnant my sister needs some down time, but she gets my mom's time once a week - I only ask for once a month or less!! And I also know my mom will have the 3 cousins there A LOT after the new baby comes in May, so I just want to reserve like 2 days out of the next month for my son to spend time with just his grandma. I just want some opinions. Also, should I talk to my sister about this, or my mother? It seems to me that my mother should be able to set limits and say "I watched your kids yesterday, so I'm going to spend one on one time with otter's son today", but she is pushover when it comes to her grandkids. It's not like I want to avoid my son being around his cousins, just once or twice I want to make sure that my mom isn't overloaded with small children.
headlesschicken Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 it seems to me your concern should be with your son only. your sister and mother seem to be doing ok with their arrangement.
Author blind_otter Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 it seems to me your concern should be with your son only. your sister and mother seem to be doing ok with their arrangement. I'm sorry if I am dense today as I had about 2 hours of sleep last night...so you think I should just not say anything and make other arrangements to have someone babysit for me? I don't know that you read the post. My mother is not doing OK with the arrangement, as she asked me to pick my son up early because she could not handle all the children....
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Wow. THAT was a non-answer chicken. BO, I would have a talk with both of them - together. That way there won't be any "She said-she said" crap going on. I think your sister is overdoing it and taking advantage of your mom, by the way.
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Didn't your sister say that she didn't want her children exposed to your son, unless you and your SO start to live the exemplary life she dictates for you? Anyways, it's up to your mother to define how her time is allocated. If I were you, I would find an alternate babysitter and if your mother expresses a desire to see her grandson, then bring your son over. It's unfair to put your resentment of your sister, onto your mother, so she's being pushed and pulled in the middle.
Author blind_otter Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Talking to them together is probably a good idea, I hadn't thought of that. There is a lot of "she said" stuff in my family.
2sure Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 If its grandma time one on one that is the prority, why not arrange once a month for your mom to watch your son at your home? As far as having her baby sit at her home, it is beyind your control as to whether she also has the cousins. I totally get what yor saying, but this is one you cant do anything about.
tanbark813 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I don't think that's bitchy or demanding. Without knowing your relatives I would think that bringing it up to your mom would be easier or more effective than bringing it up to your sister. In addressing the issue with your mom it's more in a positive light as far as what you want. In addressing the issue with your sister it's more likely to come across negatively as far as telling her what not to do.
Author blind_otter Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Didn't your sister say that she didn't want her children exposed to your son, unless you and your SO start to live the exemplary life she dictates for you? hahahaaaa. Yes, she did, in her long and unnecessary email from January. I decided I would just respect her wishes, but apparently she has decided to pretend that nothing happened. She even brought her kids to my house yesterday, but kept them in the front yard so as not to expose them to my S/O. I have a bizarre family. Anyways, it's up to your mother to define how her time is allocated. If I were you, I would find an alternate babysitter and if your mother expresses a desire to see her grandson, then bring your son over. It's unfair to put your resentment of your sister, onto your mother, so she's being pushed and pulled in the middle. This is a good tactic as well. It's not so much my resentment of my sister, as my resentment of the fact that I don't get to have an afternoon to myself if my mom asks me to pick my son up early because she can't handle having 4 kids at her house. But I admit that there is underlying resentment of my sister, to be sure. I am a bit jealous of how much time my nephews and nieces get to have with my mother.
Author blind_otter Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Ugh. I just hate how everthing goes unspoken in my family of origin. The fact that I have been to therapy really sticks in my sister's craw, I know. She thinks it is inappropriate to discuss private issues with a therapist. From what I understand, it's inappropriate to discuss anything about anything ever in my family. We just don't talk. Ever. We make small talk. It's not close and loving. It's just so icky. I am bound and determined that MY family will not be like that.
hotgurl Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 BO If you mom is overwhelmed with your sisters kids it is up to her to say something. If you talk to your sister she just take it the wrong way. I like 2 sunny idea of having you mom come over to visit for one on one grandma time. and if you really need a sister hire one or suggest she stay at your house. Because you can't really control if your sister drops her kids off at your mom's place. Sorry I understand your complaints and you are not being bitchy. My mom used to watch my daughter when she was younger quite a bit. It was ok but as she started getting older it was better for me to have a sitter because my mom started overstepping. Now they have grandma time once or twice a month and it works better for me.
Kenyth Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Ugh. I just hate how everthing goes unspoken in my family of origin. The fact that I have been to therapy really sticks in my sister's craw, I know. She thinks it is inappropriate to discuss private issues with a therapist. From what I understand, it's inappropriate to discuss anything about anything ever in my family. We just don't talk. Ever. We make small talk. It's not close and loving. It's just so icky. I am bound and determined that MY family will not be like that. In my experience the person who wants everything hush-hush is usualy doing most of the manipulating. Openess is counter productive to manipulation. How about bypassing the problem by having your mom do the babysitting at your house? That way, there's one on one time and no chance at "surprise" visits. If your sister and you are at odds, she may be trying to compete with you for your mom's time.
alphamale Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 i don't know what advice to give on this subject
Author blind_otter Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Man, now what do I do? I have an infant CPR class I'm supposed to go to this evening (5pm), but S/O is picking his son up from down south (he has friday off of school). My mom doesn't get home from work until 6:30pm. They have a girl there who is willing to watch babies, but there will be like 10 couples there and I don't think you should have 10 babies under the age of 1 and only one person to watch them. Gah.
Athena Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Of the 6 times I have asked my mother to watch my son, my sister has brought her kids over 4 of those times. ________________________ The last time my mom watched my son (last sunday - the first time in almost 2 months, I might add), my sister brought her kids over (without any prior notice) and my mom ended up calling me to come get me son after about 90 minutes with him and the other kids. . I haven't read the replies, but only your original post: One solution: Call your mom to watch your son at YOUR house... perhaps your sister wont be so quick to bring her kids over... also explain to dear sis that your child needs Grandma one-on-one time because of his age (crawling and needing attention) and it's too taxing on your mother to watch all four of them at once.
lucygreen Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 If you truly cared about your mother getting quality "grandmother" time with your child, you could give her a call and say "hey we are on the way to the park, why don't you join us." That way you could provide the mothering and she could just sit back, relax and enjoy being the Grandma. But instead of her being a grandmother, she in expected to be a babysitter...which is entirely different. She doesn't get to set the schedule (who cares that she might have a life? she should live for her grandkids) and she also is responsible for the discipline while these children are in her care, afterall she can't "just sit them down and walk away." Your main goal doesn't seem to be your mother spending time with your child, but free babysitting. You are mad at your sister because she is better at manipulating and demanding your mother's time than you are. If you need down time (which is one of the main themes of your post, along with resentment and jealousy of your sister and mother's unhealthy dynamic), it is your responsibility to provide it...through the child's father, or pay for it. Unless your mother calls you and asks you if she can take your child for some one-on-one time, your mother's time belongs to HER...not you or your sister. She has a job and then she has the additional expectation of watching her grandchildren. When does she get downtime? You really don't want your mother to set "limits" on anyone but your sister. What if, when she starts setting limits...the free babysitting comes to a halt for all. What would you do then? Additionally, even though you have said that you have not talk to them about this...you Have communicated to them your disapproval in some way...probably through body language or sarcasm. Which I'm sure has put added stress on your mother.
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