saddy Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I'm coming out of a 5 years relationship that ended with her cheating on me. After some time, I signed up for online dating and met a few girls there. I've been dating one since a couple months now. She's really nice, smart and we have fun together but... I just don't feel the spark for her... We had sex but we never had the "exclusivity" conversation. On my side, I've been dating other girls during that time but I'm quite sure that she didn't. In fact I'm really afraid that she's falling in love and think that I'd better end this relationship before she gets hurt (which may already be too late). Moreover, I've been dating another girl a few times and I definitely feel much more attracted by her. I just don't know if it's gonna work with her. In fact, I think that I'm not sure if I want to break up because I don't know if it's gonna work with the other girl... I know, I'm weak and pathetic: I should just break up with the first one and take the risk of ending being alone if it doesn't work with the other one... So, my question is... how can I break up with this girl so that it's not painful for her. I feel really sorry for her and bad about myself...
2sure Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Well, you cant. She will be hurt. But you can make sure she isnt hurt, angry, and humiliated. You just have to be honest. Be polite and sincere. If you are going to be dating - this is a good thing to learn to be able to do. In fact, it is a necessary life tool that a lot of people dont have. Be a gentleman. You dont have to tell her how many other people you are banging. But you do have to tell her you enjoy her company but dont see a future and are not interested in a committment or being exclusive. Thats it.
Els Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 To be brutally honest.... It would have been far easier if you'd broken up with her earlier unless you'd explicitly made it known that it was ONLY casual dating, not exclusive, nothing more than getting to know each other. Otherwise, especially if you've had sex, of course she's going to be falling in love, even if you hadn't had 'the talk'! What prompted you to have date #10 over those 2 months if you never felt a spark? Or date #3 even? I agree with 2sure... just tell her you're very sorry but you just don't feel compatible with her. Be sure to make it all about you and not about her. ASAP!
samspade Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Look, it'll hurt her, but it's better than prolonging something if you're not on the same page. Like 2Sure said, be a gentleman about it. Tell her you've enjoyed the time together but that you're not feeling the connection for something long term. If she's mature, she'll not only appreciate you being forthright, but she may eventually turn into a good female friend (who of course has other female friends). And don't ever be scared of being alone.
Author saddy Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 I haven't been banging any other girl during that time, else I would have felt like cheating. And of course I like her and I have feelings for her, it's just that I don't think she's the one. I'd really like to continue to see her, but it's just that what I feel for her is more kindness than love...
redant Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Well I think you are very selfish. Trying to please youself. You are using her. You are a jerk IMO. Break up with her and tell her you are sorry. You are a mess and you are passing that mess to her!
yongyong Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Please use the famous line 'you deserve better' 'it's not you it's about me'
Author saddy Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Well, you know, I've never dated before two months ago. I've been in only one relationship and it has been lasting 5 years. I feel like I really miss experience here. I think that I should break up with her, but on the other hand I'm scared to discover after breaking up that I was in love with her... I don't have enough experience to know for sure... that's why I wanted to date other girls, to experience more. My point has never been to hurt anybody... I just don't know how I could experience more without hurting others...
Dexter Morgan Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Moreover, I've been dating another girl a few times and I definitely feel much more attracted by her. I just don't know if it's gonna work with her. In fact, I think that I'm not sure if I want to break up because I don't know if it's gonna work with the other girl Well thats just too bad. you don't keep her as the backburner girl just because you are afraid it might not work out with the girl you really want. You are dating more than one girl at a time, you take the dissappointments that come with it. I know, I'm weak and pathetic: I should just break up with the first one and take the risk of ending being alone if it doesn't work with the other one... yup So, my question is... how can I break up with this girl so that it's not painful for her. I feel really sorry for her and bad about myself... No matter what you do, if she really likes you, its going to be painful. So maybe you just come out and say you are wanting to be with someone else. it may sting, but its honest and may make her decide to be angry at you and walk away and not look back. otherwise if you sugarcoat it and not tell her the truth, she could still try to cling to you and thats not fair to her to let her grovel not knowing the truth.
GoodOnPaper Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 In fact, I think that I'm not sure if I want to break up because I don't know if it's gonna work with the other girl... You already realize that if you stay with your nice girl, you are settling. Break up with her. This advice is as good as it gets: Well, you cant. She will be hurt. But you can make sure she isnt hurt, angry, and humiliated. You just have to be honest. Be polite and sincere. If you are going to be dating - this is a good thing to learn to be able to do. In fact, it is a necessary life tool that a lot of people dont have. Be a gentleman. You dont have to tell her how many other people you are banging. But you do have to tell her you enjoy her company but dont see a future and are not interested in a committment or being exclusive. Thats it. Don't feel guilty about the sex -- you were trying to figure out what kind of connection (or "spark") you two were developing. Maybe this will scare you straight . . . I was in a similar situation to you when I started dating my wife. I didn't have much dating/relationship experience but in what I had, I was always the doormat/dumpee. As crazy as she was about me, I didn't feel any "spark". Unfortunately, I didn't have the nerve to break things off -- I felt horribly guilty about putting her in the dumpee position that I had routinely been in, and I wasn't sure if anyone better would come along. Strangely enough, 18 years and two kids later, the topic isn't any easier to bring up . . .
samspade Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 For all you know, she's got another guy she's sleeping with, too. So don't feel TOO badly.
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 You already realize that if you stay with your nice girl, you are settling. Break up with her. This advice is as good as it gets: Don't feel guilty about the sex -- you were trying to figure out what kind of connection (or "spark") you two were developing. Maybe this will scare you straight . . . I was in a similar situation to you when I started dating my wife. I didn't have much dating/relationship experience but in what I had, I was always the doormat/dumpee. As crazy as she was about me, I didn't feel any "spark". Unfortunately, I didn't have the nerve to break things off -- I felt horribly guilty about putting her in the dumpee position that I had routinely been in, and I wasn't sure if anyone better would come along. Strangely enough, 18 years and two kids later, the topic isn't any easier to bring up . . . Are you KIDDING me? Feel VERY guilty about having sex. You don't use SEX when you are "trying to figure out the sparks". You have sex when there IS a spark. You knew she was nice. You knew that you were NOT just a quick romp in the sack for her. You USED her. Believe me, if you REALLY are dumb enough NOT to feel guilty about the sex, just watch what one of the first things she brings up is gonna be when you dump her. Just watch...and DON'T be surprised. Oh, and the part about her being nice and you don't dig her? You will live to regret it. With all the selfish HAGS out there, you'll be BEGGIN for a "nice" girl someday....and WISHING you could "settle" for one. Bank on it.
redant Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Y don't you talk to her and tell her what you are telling us. Explain to her that you've only been in a long relationship and you want to date before you get serious with anyone. I mean tell her you are sorry. It has only been a couple of months! She may be ok and appreciate that you are honest.
era Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Please use the famous line 'you deserve better' 'it's not you it's about me' Please don't ....
GoodOnPaper Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Are you KIDDING me? Feel VERY guilty about having sex. You don't use SEX when you are "trying to figure out the sparks". You have sex when there IS a spark. You knew she was nice. You knew that you were NOT just a quick romp in the sack for her. You USED her. I disagree. If there is any guilt to be had for the OP, it's for not being honest with himself earlier. He's inexperienced -- one 5-year LTR (and getting dumped from that) and no other dating experience. I understand if he is hesitant to dump someone, especially someone that he thinks is a good person. Hopefully, this will be a lesson to avoid putting that off in the future. In this whole scenario, I see a somewhat sensitive person trying to acquire that elusive "edge" that women say they want. The men that women flock to the most feel no guilt about sex (strings-free or otherwise) and understand that women are responsible for their own actions and reactions.
2sure Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Not that I have ever been dumped....lol. Well, I have. We all have, to some degree. But being dealt with honestly and with sincerity is a good thing, regardless of the outcome. In fact, if you are honest with her it is possible that she may choose to see you on occasion just for fun with no promises of committment. Or she wont. But either way, she will have been given honesty and respect.
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