Breaking NC

[artemisentreri]

Hi all,

 

I'm on Day 41 of NC, my story is on here but to make it short:

 

We're in college, I'm 22 she's 20, best friends for 6 years and then dating for 4, promise ring involved. We fought a lot, mostly my fault, got excessive, she left for my friend in October. After 6 weeks, I implemented NC and she came back after 3 days. A month later, we took a break, 3 days later she came back, a week later we took a break. At the end she cheated and she's been with the guy since January. I implemented NC 41 days ago (early Feb.), she got really upset, our last talks were really not pleasant. She refused to ever break up with me officially, saying she wanted a future together. Since then, we've ignored each other in class twice a week.

 

I want reconciliation. I know a lot of you ill tell me to move on but w/e, it's my choice. I've had 41 days to think and 9 years of good outweighs a few months of bad.

 

OK so, we're on spring break, both at home, the guy may or may not be visiting her here. I was thinking of sending a text just saying something like "I'd like to talk if you want." We initiated NC on such bad terms that I don't think going on like this is good for reconciliation.

 

On a side note, I graduate and the guy graduates in May and she has a year of uni left. He lives across the country and I live where she lives, she had said she didn't want long term with him and always said we'd be back together "definitely this summer."

 

OK so...is the text such a bad idea? Even if she doesn't answer, have I lost anything? I dunno that it would affect me too too much, really, not at this point :/.

[BCCA]

We're in college, I'm 22 she's 20, best friends for 6 years and then dating for 4, promise ring involved. We fought a lot, mostly my fault, got excessive, she left for my friend in October. After 6 weeks, I implemented NC and she came back after 3 days. A month later, we took a break, 3 days later she came back, a week later we took a break. At the end she cheated and she's been with the guy since January. I implemented NC 41 days ago (early Feb.), she got really upset, our last talks were really not pleasant. She refused to ever break up with me officially, saying she wanted a future together. Since then, we've ignored each other in class twice a week.

 

Not to be rude, and I know how you feel, but this seems like a dysfunctional relationship. You shouldnt be breaking up so often, she cheated, and now she wont break up with you saying she wants a future together? Isnt she with someone else? Why are you allowing her to treat you so poorly?

 

OK so...is the text such a bad idea? Even if she doesn't answer, have I lost anything?

 

The problem is that you are, once again, making the effort while she does nothing. She shows no remorse for her actions, or consideration for your feelings, or even basic respect for you as a person.

 

Youre losing your self dignity by even talking to this girl anymore. What a waste of your time.

 

"definitely this summer."

 

Are you kidding me? Whats wrong with right now or never? Youre not a toy that she can pick up and play with when she feels like it, and letting her treat you that way is not good. It shouldnt be 100% her decision how and when you get back together, show some self respect. Dont let people treat you like garbage, and yo-yo with your feelings.

 

I want reconciliation. I know a lot of you ill tell me to move on but w/e, it's my choice.

 

Its actually really not your choice. She made one, and it was to cheat, and be with someone else. Now, she throws a fit because you wont be her lapdog, despite the fact that shes treated you really poorly.

 

This woman is no good bro. Im sorry.

 

What you want is not what she wants, so its pointless. You can want reconciliation until youre blue in the face, but if shes not on board, its a waste of energy. And let her come to you if she decides to give it another go. Being the one to break NC doesnt have to be you, and it really shouldnt. You have every reason to be upset.

 

"I'd like to talk if you want."

 

Here is what she'll read: 'I'm still sprung, please abuse me more'.

 

Please, let this one go. It sounds really bad, man.

[artemisentreri]

Look I thought about this a lot, I really did, and I'm not going to let go. I'm giving it until the end of the summer.

 

Also, I would not be thinking of sending this text if we were on better terms. If anything, do you have any suggestions for something else for me to write? I want us to be NC but on better terms. I want to get the message across that there is no resentment. If writing something else or calling would be better, please let me know.

 

If you think breaking NC will do more harm than good (for the RELATIONSHIP, not ME), please let me know too.

[BCCA]

Look I thought about this a lot, I really did, and I'm not going to let go. I'm giving it until the end of the summer.

 

Also, I would not be thinking of sending this text if we were on better terms. If anything, do you have any suggestions for something else for me to write? I want us to be NC but on better terms. I want to get the message across that there is no resentment. If writing something else or calling would be better, please let me know.

 

I know how you feel, I really do. I've gone through my share of these things, and theyre all really difficult. You fall in love with who you think someone is, and then when they show you another side, youre left scrambling. Is that really who she is? Did you do something to cause it? Is she ever going to be the same person she used to?

 

I dont think there is anything wrong with letting things go, and seeing what happens, but dude - you need to be dating around while you wait. Shes with another guy, dont sit around all summer waiting alone. There are tons of hot women out there, and even if you just meet a few friends and get laid a few times, have fun! You only live once, dont waste a second waiting around for someone who might not come back.

 

If I can ask, what happened that was so horrible? If it was just some nasty remarks/names back and forth, just let it be. NC and good terms dont usually go hand in hand. You go NC because its the best choice you have, not because its the peaceful thing to do.

 

If it was me, I would let silence speak for itself. Anything you say is going to be taken as 'Im still on the hook' (which - you are), so you really cant win. And she wont miss you as long as youre pining for her.

 

Unless you guys got into a fist fight, or you lit her house on fire, leave well enough alone. Just my opinion, please do what you will.

[artemisentreri]

Well I initiated NC via an e-mailed letter. She had just pretty much ignored our 4-year anniversary and I found out she was talking to the guy (but not the cheating). I e-mailed her telling her I knew about her lying and infidelity and etc.

 

Two days later we talked on AIM, she wanted to be on good terms and etc. It was all good. The next day I was being dumb and went to see her because I wanted closure. She left me at the door (of the guy's place), said a lot of mean things to me on the phone, refused to give me closure and break up with me. Two days later, after NC, her mother e-mailed me telling me not to harass her daughter and the guy or she would call the cops. I called her and she apologized for that totally uncalled for threat but my ex and I ended it like that....doesn't get much worse without being a fist fight.

 

Now that some dust has settled, isn't there ANYTHING I can text in like a sentence that could nor portray me as needy? I could also e-mail and just be like "I know we haven't talked in a while and while I think we do still need space from each other I don't want resentment between us." Something like that...

[artemisentreri]

And did I do something to cause it? Nothing to deserve what happened, no, but I was bordering on verbal abuse at some points in the last few months. I fixed that about myself so I can't put it all on her...we had a really good first few years.

 

When she came back she admitted the old problems were gone but that now we had new ones (i.e. the guy).

 

Also, I say this about NC because the first time we did NC, I was confident, nice, it was in person, she cried, etc. It lasted three days but I felt totally fine for those days. That was NC on excellent terms, and it worked...

[Bluebird In My Heart]

^

I don't think the NC really worked, to be honest. It was a mere 72 hours of not talking. If you look at the long view, it sure did not. Things got ugly.

 

NC is for healing/moving on.

 

 

I don't understand? You said you were NC and then 2 days later you chatted? Then...er...it wasn't NC...it was not talking for 48 hours.

 

 

 

Now that some dust has settled, isn't there ANYTHING I can text in like a sentence that could nor portray me as needy? I could also e-mail and just be like "I know we haven't talked in a while and while I think we do still need space from each other I don't want resentment between us." Something like that...

 

I don't believe in closure.

 

Too much water under the bridge.

 

Sorry about how things went down, but the reality is if you carry on, you will humiliate yourself.

 

There is nothing that anyone can say or do at this point that will make anything better - and a whole lot you can say or do that will only make it worse.

 

It appears your only choice here is to retreat.

 

It is time to take care of the only one you can control - you.

[samspade]

Two days later, after NC, her mother e-mailed me telling me not to harass her daughter and the guy or she would call the cops. I called her and she apologized for that totally uncalled for threat but my ex and I ended it like that....doesn't get much worse without being a fist fight.

 

Wow. I think you need to just stay away. Not because it's your fault, but because your ex is a nutcase and you don't need her drama in your life.

 

I agree with Bluebird. Forget closure. It's a ridiculous concept, and is usually just a code word for one last attempt at contact.

 

The only way to lower her resentment of you is to stay away.

[BCCA]

I agree with Bluebird. Forget closure. It's a ridiculous concept, and is usually just a code word for one last attempt at contact.

 

I agree. Its usually just an excuse, and truth be told, if she detailed everything you ever did that bothered her, and told you exactly why she dumped you, it wouldnt make you feel the slightest bit better. If anything, you would just have more questions than you started with.