chrissreef Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Has anyone tried being "just friends" with their ex that broke up with them? Not mutual breakups, I can be friends in that scenario. If this happened to you, did you try? Did you remain friends? Did it re-ignite emotions for both and you got back together? re-ignite and then stopped talking? I have a strong feeling in 6-12 months I'll be sent an email asking if we can be "friends". (it happened to her last ex, he said no). We have so much in common and have such a blast. At this point I "could" try if she's single... but not while she's with someone else - too painful.
samspade Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Being friends with an ex after a breakup is always a bad idea. Unless there is a true mutual feeling that things are now platonic, there will always be one party who still has feelings for the other. Thus the attempt at "friendship" is a cover for the dumpee's desire to want to remain close to the dumper. It's disingenuous. Furthermore, the dumper gets off the hook for causing any heartbreak - he/she is absolved of any guilt, and gets the emotional satisfaction of knowing he/she still has you on the hook. At the same time, the dumper is more "over" the relationship, so is more likely to be pursuing/dating new prospects, while at the same time knowing the person he/she dumped is still pining (or at least willing to be a "friend" to remain close). Lose-lose.
SummerSun Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I disagree with the majority of people that post saying that being friends with an ex after a breakup is always a bad idea. I broke up with my ex - in the end it was mutual but he would have continued trying and really did not want the relationship to end, but he was wise enough to see that I was done with trying and had already emotionally left him. I wanted to remain friends with him - not because I wanted any emotional satisfaction or that I wanted to be let off the hook. We spent the majorities or our 20s together, we were a massive part of each others lives, and well, just because the relationship that you both envisaged at the beginning didn't materialse doesn't mean that you can't embrace a different relationship. In our situation neither of us had done anything 'wrong' and we both continued to love and respect each other. I just knew that I wasn't in love and felt I had to make the decision to find that. It's not easy, of course there is alot of pain involved, but hey, who says pain is bad - I'm not so weak to not be able to face that - and thankfully neither was he. And as for the dumper moving on first, well it was my ex that found another relationship first and it is he that is now engaged. I couldn't be happier that he has found someone that makes him happy in a way that I knew I never could - and I am more than happy that I have a friend whom I know I can depend on for the rest of my life. Maybe it was having me in his life, and knowing that pining or having false hope was pointless, that he was able to move on. Rather than the 'not knowing' when someone just disappears from your life. I think every situation is different and you have to do what is right for you.
EasyHeart Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 It depends on the circumstances, and it also depends on what you mean by 'friends'. I am very good friends with one ex. But we'd known each other for years as friends before we dated (she was the ex-wife of a good friend of mine before we started dating), and even then we had to go NC for over a year before we could re-start as friends. She is engaged now, and I feel no jealousy whatsoever. She still lectures me alot about dating women that are 'too young' -- ie, younger than her! I have several exes with whom I am civil -- send them birthday cards, send them an occasional email to see how they are -- but I don't think of them as 'friends'. I would not, for instance, call them up and say "Hey, let's meet for a drink!" But I do stay in contact with them. I think it's true that usually when people say "Let's be friends", either the dumper is trying to be 'nice' and not hurt the dumpee's feelings and/or the dumpee is thinking "If we stay 'friends', I can worm myself back into a relationship with the dumper". In those cases (which are the overwhelming majority) someone (or everyone) is setting themselves up for heartbreak. So you have to be brutally honest with yourself. If you're the dumper, and you think it will be easier on your ex if you stay 'friends', you're wrong. It's kinder in the long rune to tell him/her to get lost and cut all contact. If you're the dumpee and thinking you've got a chance to get back in your ex's life, be prepared for (1) lots of pain and (2) a high probability of failure. But it's not impossible, and I admit that I've done it in the past (successfully) and I'm trying it right now. But I'm also being realistic about what to expect.
SummerSun Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 If you're the dumper, and you think it will be easier on your ex if you stay 'friends', you're wrong. It's kinder in the long run to tell him/her to get lost and cut all contact. I'm going to have to disagree with you here (dare I disagree with someone that gives such wonderous advice?!!!) I guess it's hard for me to speak for my ex but I do not and will not believe that he would have preferred me to tell him to get lost and cut all contact. We were incredibly mature about the situation and were both very sad that the relationship we both hoped for didn't materialise. We had no time where we had NC, and continued to see each other as friends immediatly after the split. I am pretty positive that he wanted to be friends and that he also thought that to not remain in each others lives would have been a crying shame. It was a little uneasy at first, but it was worth going through that consolidate a fantastic friendship. Neither of us ever crossed the line after we split, neither of us ever would - that is where the trust, love and respect come into it. We both wanted what is best for each other, and we now have the relationship we wer probably always meant to have. Like I said before, all situations are unique, and what is right for one isn't necessarily right for another. But I am sure what we did was right for both me and him, and we couldn't have been 'kinder' to each other - dumped or dumpee.
JoshLewi Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 The words of Dr. Kaiser-Wienhof are valid for this kind of relationship too. In her book she means a love relationship, but I think for a "simple" friendship it's valid too: "Typically for those close personal relations there is a certain degree in 'interdependence' - what means that the partners are alternately mutually dependent on each other. As a special aspect of such relations something contradictory is put outside: the need for intimacy and for autonomy.The common counterbalancing satisfaction these both needs, intimacy and autonomy, leads to alternately satisfaction in the relationsship and stability. But it depends on the specific developing duties of each partner in every life phase and maturity"
BCCA Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 There are exceptions to the rule, as in cases where the breakup was somewhat mutual and amicable, but for the most part friends is just not realistic. One person is usually already emotionally gone, while the other is holding onto hope that this friendship will turn into something else. Usually, the person who was dumped gets hurt over and over again, because they cant help the feelings they still have. Generally, when someone says they want to be just friends, its only for long enough for them to find someone else, and then they have no time for you. I've been through it before. There is also a transition period. When you were with someone for any length of time, you need to spend time away from them after your split to clear your mind and accept reality. For me, by the time Ive done that, the idea of being friends seems pointless. Im not friends with any ex of mine, and dont forsee being one in the future. To me, your time together ran its course, dont force things because you dont want to let go completely. If you really love someone, you let them go find their way in life. If it leads back to you, great, but it probably wont.
Surfer Dude Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 There are exceptions to the rule, as in cases where the breakup was somewhat mutual and amicable, but for the most part friends is just not realistic. One person is usually already emotionally gone, while the other is holding onto hope that this friendship will turn into something else. Usually, the person who was dumped gets hurt over and over again, because they cant help the feelings they still have. Generally, when someone says they want to be just friends, its only for long enough for them to find someone else, and then they have no time for you. I've been through it before. Very true. Usually the dumper wants to be friends solely for these reasons: guilt reliefemotional dependence on the dumpee, during the transitioning periodto have a crying shoulder when they need one Many ex's even pick on dumpees, insult them and want to make them feel worthless (like in my case). There is also a transition period. When you were with someone for any length of time, you need to spend time away from them after your split to clear your mind and accept reality. For me, by the time Ive done that, the idea of being friends seems pointless.Again, very true. Once I'm over someone, I see absolutely no reason to be their friend. What's the point of these so called friendships? What value do they provide to my life? I don't do one way friendships, and I rarely do friendships with women (unless they're wifes/gfs of my friends). Why would her (emotional) needs have to be met by me? What needs of mine would she be meeting? Friendship, I already have people in my life that are close to me, and my emotional and physical needs can be met only by a woman who is in relationship with me / having sex with me. Im not friends with any ex of mine, and dont forsee being one in the future. To me, your time together ran its course, dont force things because you dont want to let go completely. If you really love someone, you let them go find their way in life. If it leads back to you, great, but it probably wont. There's absolutely no need to be friends with any exs, in fact it can be harmful for both parties. It sucks to say "ok, I can't live without this person in my life, so I'll settle even for breadcrumbs of attention". Guys, grow a pair and go meet other women, there are billions in this world.
samspade Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 In our situation neither of us had done anything 'wrong' and we both continued to love and respect each other. I just knew that I wasn't in love and felt I had to make the decision to find that. It's not easy, of course there is alot of pain involved, but hey, who says pain is bad - I'm not so weak to not be able to face that - and thankfully neither was he. And as for the dumper moving on first, well it was my ex that found another relationship first and it is he that is now engaged. I couldn't be happier that he has found someone that makes him happy in a way that I knew I never could - and I am more than happy that I have a friend whom I know I can depend on for the rest of my life. That sounds like a fairly mutual breakup. Even though you may have initiated it, it sounds like you were both on the same page. At the very least, you were lucky to be dating a guy who was mature enough to accept your decision and move on. In any case, I think some time and space apart is best. Regardless of who dumped whom, it's a sad occasion and there needs to be some distance for moving on. If, after that, you can both honestly be friends and have no designs on romance with each other, then I can see it. Just a footnote: As a guy, even if I'm over an ex, I'd probably still bang her if she's single and feeling the same way. But that's it.
EasyHeart Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I'm going to have to disagree with you here (dare I disagree with someone that gives such wonderous advice?!!!) I guess it's hard for me to speak for my ex but I do not and will not believe that he would have preferred me to tell him to get lost and cut all contact. We were incredibly mature about the situation and were both very sad that the relationship we both hoped for didn't materialise. We had no time where we had NC, and continued to see each other as friends immediatly after the split. I am pretty positive that he wanted to be friends and that he also thought that to not remain in each others lives would have been a crying shame. It was a little uneasy at first, but it was worth going through that consolidate a fantastic friendship. Neither of us ever crossed the line after we split, neither of us ever would - that is where the trust, love and respect come into it. We both wanted what is best for each other, and we now have the relationship we wer probably always meant to have. Like I said before, all situations are unique, and what is right for one isn't necessarily right for another. But I am sure what we did was right for both me and him, and we couldn't have been 'kinder' to each other - dumped or dumpee. That statement of mine was in the context of a typical break up, in which the dumper is trying to 'be nice'. I think we'll all agree your situation was unusual. In MOST cases, the dumper is not doing anyone a favor by trying to 'stay friends'.
kimbop Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I don't see it happening at all. Here's my perspective as the dumper. While in the phase of "just been broken up" to my recent tw*t ex-bf and feeling pretty sh*tty about myself, I bumped into an ex I dropped 5 years prior. We always had a good connection when we dated, but he (ex-bf 5 yrs ago) confessed that he loved me and I didn't feel the same about him. I thought I did the best thing by admitting this and stopping the relationship from going somewhere that would lead to more pain especially for him. Anyway I saw him again and I thought 5 years would be plenty enough time to set aside the feelings and move on. That didn't happen. He gave me all indications that he wanted to start again because the feelings still lingered. At first I thought to myself, "he's a great guy." I forgot why I broke up with him which I soon remembered after hanging with him for just one weekend. Even though I was in a vulnerable state of mind at the point, I quickly realized this whatever would never go anywhere especially when he wanted more.
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