cls_2002 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I'll make this as short as possible. I'm a 25 year old woman who's been married for 4 years, but we've been together 5 years. Our daughter is almost 2, but alot of things have changed between us since she has been born. Especially our "personal" time. I have talked to my husband about it and we always agree, but neither one of us ever take the notion, which is horrible I know. We both don't really know how to make time for each other. I'm a full time student and a stay at home mom while he works nights. Which brings me to my problem. I feel like due to our personal problems I have found myself attracted to my professor. He's in his early 30's I'm sure, and he has such a baby face. I know this is only based on my attraction to him, b/c I really don't know the guy outside of class. This has been going on for like a month. There is no kind of flirting going on, at least if he is I don't notice. He just is very helpful and nice. I do know in his past time he is a musican, but I heard that from other students. I was fine for the last 2 weeks. I pretty much forgot about him last week, and the week before when I had to go to class I would just tell myself its a silly crush and laugh it off. So yesterday I needed help with my homework which is due tomorrow in his class. Everyone says "don't go to your teacher unless you have to. Ask another student." I don't know anyone in my class. I've been at this school thing for so long I am not there to make friends. I'm there to finish. I have enough friends. So I had to meet with him in his office yesterday to ask him some questions about some problems. Anyways, when I walked in I was fine. I introduced myself, and was suprised that he already knew who I was when I've never even told him my name before, plus our class is huge...like 100 people. We don't take roll. Anyways, I was fine though until I sat down. Then I got shaky nervous, and I tried to hide it. I don't think he noticed. I felt a little weird after that. My problem with this is that I am married with a kid. I ask my best friend why am I attracted to another man when I love my husband and want to be with him forever. My family is the most important thing to me. She says its normal to have a crush and that I'm still going to find people to be attractive at times. Whats important is that I never act on it, which I don't plan on doing. She says cut ties with him after this semester and never take him again, but I have 6 more weeks of school, and I can't stand feeling like this. I keep looking for a bad quality in this man and I can't find one. She also said maybe I'm drawn to the mystery of him since I really don't know to much about him. I guess I just want to know if anyone has ever been in this situation and what should I do. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and I don't plan on it now. I have always been the one left heartbroken. I don't want to make anyone feel that way. So why can't I shake the feelings about this guy? Why am I so drawn to him? I just don't understand
Alma Mobley Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 First, and this is only my opinion, but you married too young. That is your biggest problem. However, not everyone agrees with me on this point, but I did have to say it. And yes, you are making your situation worse with continual contact with this man, your professor. If you are smart, and want to preserve your marriage, you have to cut off ties, and not make excuses. You don't HAVE to be in this guy's office alone, and you CAN get work from other students. Problem is, you DO want to be in his office and talk to him. Crushes are fine as long as they pose no danger, but this sounds like a crush that DOES pose danger to your relationship. So, it really is up to you and how far you want to go and whether you want your marriage intact. Best of luck.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 She says cut ties with him after this semester and never take him again, but I have 6 more weeks of school, and I can't stand feeling like this. I keep looking for a bad quality in this man and I can't find one. She also said maybe I'm drawn to the mystery of him since I really don't know to much about him. I guess I just want to know if anyone has ever been in this situation and what should I do. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and I don't plan on it now. I have always been the one left heartbroken. I don't want to make anyone feel that way. So why can't I shake the feelings about this guy? Why am I so drawn to him? I just don't understand You sound like a good person, and your friend is giving good advice. I've seen this happen before. One of my good friends in College actually got involved with a prof and it was a total disaster for her. She had a nervous breakdown and almost had to spend time in a Psych ward. No Kidding! She was a skinny girl but lost 40 pounds... went down to 83#'s. Not to get stuck on a tangent, but here are my 2 points. 1. It is crucial that you reconnect with your husband!!!! I don't care how much effort it takes. MAKE him understand that it is important... that it may mean your marriage. 2. Your friend is right. From a distance I seem like the perfect guy. Marry me and you find out I suck. This Prof is no different. You just crave some male attention. So go get it!
hurt4life Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 cls- at least you have a conscience. You sound like a good hearted person. I guess I'm slowly accepting the fact that people will be attracted to others even when they are in a relationship. It's how you act upon it that really matters. Please don't break your husband's heart. I can understand your situation with your life being so busy. No matter what, make time for each other. If he has a hard time taking the initiative, you should try. Ask him to do the same. He'll understand. If you crave male attention like untouchabel mentioned, get it from your husband.
lkjh Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Cut all ties with the professor and see if your H will get some MC with you. If you are apart of a church they offer it.
lostsunsets Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 You don't need to be asking questions. You need to be reading the posts here and on other infidelity boards. If you do you will find plenty of courage (or actually fear) to not screw up your marriage. Let me tell you what will happen if you do. You seem like a nice person. So after you screw him. You will wake up the next morning and look in the mirror and break down. The person in the mirror will never look the same to you again. You may try to keep it covered up. And you may be successful for a while. One of two things will happen. One, you will have thoroughly enjoyed screwing him and you will now have a bond with him. You will both arrange to meet again and again. you will text each other. You will start to leave the room with your husband in it. So you can text him. He will question why you are always going out of the room to talk or text. You will start to get angry at him, because you will need to start pulling away from him. Your sex with him will drop off then eventually stop. Why? Because you will want to be faithful to the man you are cheating with. You can't screw both of them that would make you a skank. So you start to be angrier with him. Because he is now the reason you and your new love can't be together. By the time the 6 weeks is over, you are completely fogged up. You are ready to throw away your marriage to be with the other man. You won't be able to hide this from your husband. Your husband loves you and will have watched the woman he loves pull away from him. He may get suspicious and monitor your e-mail or cell phone. Eventually he will get concrete evidence and confront you. Over the last 6 weeks you have become a lying cheating skank, so you lie to him. But he has proof and you breakdown and sob uncontrollably. He is crushed. After his anger and tears. And because you now love this other man you start blame shifting. If you had only met my needs. But you neglected me. So that means its pretty much your fault that I screwed him. YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY. AND YOU SEE HIM LOOKING AT YOU. AND JUST LIKE WHEN YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND SAW SOMEONE THAT ONLY LOOKED LIKE YOU, YOUR HUSBAND HAS THE SAME LOOK ON HIS FACE, HORROR, MIXED WITH PAIN AND CONFUSION. AT THAT POINT YOU NOW REALIZE THAT HE WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME AGAIN EITHER. Two. You will wake up the next morning and look in the mirror and break down. You rush to the toilet and you heave your guts up. You rush to get your clothes together and get out of there as fast as you can. You get into your car and look in the rearview mirror. And you don't recognize the person who is staring back at you. You manage to get home before he gets home from work. And jump into bed. He comes in and asks you where the baby is. And you tell him it is at the sitters. He asks why? You turn around and look at him and you don't say a word. But he looks at you and knows. You breakdown and he screams in pain. Like someone shot him in the heart. He can't catch his breath and you run to him because he can't breathe. But instead of holding you. He recoils from you like he was just touched with acid. At that moment you know that nothing will ever be the same again. EVER. You confess everything to him, because you realize you love him more then life. But he has that look of HORROR, MIXED WITH PAIN AND CONFUSION. And you realize that you may have just destroyed your happy family. He tells you to get out. Or he says if you don't get out, then I will. You won't leave, so he does. And when he leaves your heart breaks because at this point you don't know if he will ever want to hear from you or see you again. You fall to your knees in a weeping hump. And all of this before what you have done has really even sunk in.
lostsunsets Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 If you feel that it is only going to get worse. The next time you see your husband talk to him about it. If he just passes it off or ignores it. Or does not give it the weight that he should. YOU GO AS FAR AS PUSHING HIM INTO A CHAIR AND SAY. UNLESS SOMETHING CHANGES BETWEEN US NOW. I COULD END UP DOING SOMETHING WITH MY TEACHER THAT WILL COST US OUR MARRIAGE. See if that gets his attention. I am sure he will be all ears after that.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I keep looking for a bad quality in this man and I can't find one. Is that based on your in-depth analysis of him done as one of a hundred students staring at him across a lecture hall ? Or based on the seconds you spent together in his office? You seem like a measured and intelligent person and so I'm sure you understand that there's no real world basis for your feelings. My take is that this man has become a symbol to you of those things you've chosen to leave behind as you face the challenges of marriage, parenthood and career. Real life as an adult is messy, problematic and filled with obstacles. Your professor and any potential relationship with him, seen from afar, is simple, umcomplicated and umblemished by the slings and arrows of real life. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Take that energy you feel and invest it in your marriage. I hope you and your husband have a long and happy life together... Mr. Lucky
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 You don't need to be asking questions. You need to be reading the posts here and on other infidelity boards. If you do you will find plenty of courage (or actually fear) to not screw up your marriage. Let me tell you what will happen if you do. You seem like a nice person. So after you screw him. You will wake up the next morning and look in the mirror and break down. The person in the mirror will never look the same to you again. You may try to keep it covered up. And you may be successful for a while. One of two things will happen. One, you will have thoroughly enjoyed screwing him and you will now have a bond with him. You will both arrange to meet again and again. you will text each other. You will start to leave the room with your husband in it. So you can text him. He will question why you are always going out of the room to talk or text. You will start to get angry at him, because you will need to start pulling away from him. Your sex with him will drop off then eventually stop. Why? Because you will want to be faithful to the man you are cheating with. You can't screw both of them that would make you a skank. So you start to be angrier with him. Because he is now the reason you and your new love can't be together. By the time the 6 weeks is over, you are completely fogged up. You are ready to throw away your marriage to be with the other man. You won't be able to hide this from your husband. Your husband loves you and will have watched the woman he loves pull away from him. He may get suspicious and monitor your e-mail or cell phone. Eventually he will get concrete evidence and confront you. Over the last 6 weeks you have become a lying cheating skank, so you lie to him. But he has proof and you breakdown and sob uncontrollably. He is crushed. After his anger and tears. And because you now love this other man you start blame shifting. If you had only met my needs. But you neglected me. So that means its pretty much your fault that I screwed him. YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY. AND YOU SEE HIM LOOKING AT YOU. AND JUST LIKE WHEN YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND SAW SOMEONE THAT ONLY LOOKED LIKE YOU, YOUR HUSBAND HAS THE SAME LOOK ON HIS FACE, HORROR, MIXED WITH PAIN AND CONFUSION. AT THAT POINT YOU NOW REALIZE THAT HE WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME AGAIN EITHER. Two. You will wake up the next morning and look in the mirror and break down. You rush to the toilet and you heave your guts up. You rush to get your clothes together and get out of there as fast as you can. You get into your car and look in the rearview mirror. And you don't recognize the person who is staring back at you. You manage to get home before he gets home from work. And jump into bed. He comes in and asks you where the baby is. And you tell him it is at the sitters. He asks why? You turn around and look at him and you don't say a word. But he looks at you and knows. You breakdown and he screams in pain. Like someone shot him in the heart. He can't catch his breath and you run to him because he can't breathe. But instead of holding you. He recoils from you like he was just touched with acid. At that moment you know that nothing will ever be the same again. EVER. You confess everything to him, because you realize you love him more then life. But he has that look of HORROR, MIXED WITH PAIN AND CONFUSION. And you realize that you may have just destroyed your happy family. He tells you to get out. Or he says if you don't get out, then I will. You won't leave, so he does. And when he leaves your heart breaks because at this point you don't know if he will ever want to hear from you or see you again. You fall to your knees in a weeping hump. And all of this before what you have done has really even sunk in. This is one of the best posts I have ever read. Add: And once you arrive at the point where are trying to decide if you should leave your husband and kid (because youre "faultless" OM doesn't want to be tied down with someone elses infant child) ALL your "friends" will be telling to to do whatever "makes you happy".....because "you DESERVE IT". You are a drug free person STARING,WONDERING what that shot of heroin feels like. Stick it in and in the long run, you WILL regret it.
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