mr.dream merchant Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 My GF and I have been together for 10 months. Things haven't been too smooth but not too rocky either, its a balance of both. We have our disagreements, we argue. She wants to get engaged by the end of this year. I'm 20 and she's 22. We're both very young and have alot of time ahead of us. While I'd love to say that will be together forever I can't help but be realistic and just throw that "you never know" in there. Who knows what could happen in 10 years? But she doesn't really think like that. She said it has nothing to do with me, its what SHE wants. She WANTS to be engaged by the end of this year, regardless if its with me, or some other guy after me. Currently we're fighting because I don't want to be engaged by the end of this year, it's too soon in my opinion, and I feel like she's rushing things quite a bit. Not only is she rushing things but engagement isn't something you should be forcing onto your SO in my opinion. She's very upset because she constantly brings up that her cousin was engaged at 20, and her mom was married at 23, so its her justification of wanting to be engaged at an early age. She tells me that I don't have a mind of my own and that I'm heavily influenced by people around because when I'm having difficulties in my relationship, I go to them for advice while she doesn't open up or talk to anybody. But it seems the core reason for her wanting to be engaged so early is because her mother and cousin were. She said that I'm a bad BF because no girl should even have to argue about when she wants to get engaged. She said its always about me but I could easily say its all about her. You don't get engaged when one partner is not ready, both partners have to be ready and willing. Its only been 10 months so far, and by the time she wants to get engaged gets here, it won't even be 2 years. It all just seems so rushed to me. It sucks because our relationship was going so well and its like she's ready to throw it all away because I'm not really keen on getting engaged so early. She said we shouldn't be together because we want different things, we're two different people, I don't love her because I'm not willing to propose to her by the end of the year. Who picks when they want to get engaged anyway? It wouldn't even feel right to me because its planned, its not when I'm ready to, its when she wants it. Ugh I'm so frustrated duke...I really don't understand.
moman Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Are you dating my ex-gf? Seriously man drop her now. Anyone who is that forceful for what she wants without regards to you doesn't give a damn about you.
bean1 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I understand the pressure to get married young, it is expected in my culture as well. That being said, break up with her. She's in love with the idea of a fairytale wedding rather than the realities of marriage. She says you are two different people who want two different things? Well she's just made the perfect arguement against what she wants! Ridiculous. Princess needs to come back to reality, life isn't a Disney movie.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 We're supposed to see each other tomorrow but knowing her, she just blow me off because of today's argument. Watch.
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Based on your post, she wants to rush into an engagement because that's what people she knows have done, yet faults you for seeking advice (very wise of you, btw) and being "controlled by others". This is immature at best, and somewhat pathological at worst. Immaturity, that indeed is the problem with marrying so young (another is lack of money), and I speak from experience. I was 21 when I got married, and my wife was 19 and yes, I felt a little pushed into it. Her "pushing" was even something of a family joke. My parents, who also married young, warned me that we were in for a rough ride, and they were right. We were both immature (we essentially grew up together) and had little money (we were both college students). We're still together after all these years, but those first few years were TOUGH. Unnecessarily tough. Marriage is alot of work at best, and will utterly shred your life and character at worst. And it's never a "fairy tale". It's certainly nothing to be tackled without maturity, "eyes wide open", and realistic expectations. I don't know about you, but she doesn't sound like she's even close to being at that point.
Alma Mobley Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 How old are you? I ask because it does seem she is rushing things, and you don't have to take that. If she were over 30, ok, I can understand HER rush, but that doens't mean you have to accomodate her if you are not ready.
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 How old are you? I'm 20 and she's 22. We're both very young and have alot of time ahead of us. OP, I can predict she won't go quietly into the night when you end it. The sooner the better, IMO. That's what I'd tell you if you were my son.
Alma Mobley Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Thanks, Carhill, I missed that. No rush at 22.
MindoverMatter Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 You two have different goals. You want to live your life a little and she wants to marry. You can not combine those to the satisfaction of both. Either she can let go of her dreams of enagement and honeymoon in the near future or you two will have to part. I am sorry, dream merchant. It's tough. But you can't change who you are or who she is. At the end of the day, sometimes it's just not supposed to be.
samspade Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 She said that I'm a bad BF because no girl should even have to argue about when she wants to get engaged. Don't let her shame you like this. The fact that she is giving you ultimatums shows she doesn't want to be engaged to YOU - she just wants to be engaged. If it were about you, she'd be willing to wait. She sounds like a spoiled brat, quite frankly. It sounds like she doesn't want to be together, anyway, and is just using this as a reason to shift blame. You should bail before things get ugly. Whatever you do, do not get engaged if it is not what you want. Let someone else kowtow to her.
Shygirl15 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Based on this and some previous threads, I hope you'll soon realize your relationship will not work for very long.
Star Gazer Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 She values the process of engagement and getting married more than the man she chooses to marry. She doesn't care if it's you, or some random person she hasn't met yet. Her goal is simply to get engaged within the next 9+ months. That's a big, huge, waving red flag.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Aww, that sounds rough Mr. Dream. It seems that she really just does want to marry SOMEONE, not neccessarily you. I know a lot of people are saying to just dump her. I'm sure you have had talks with her about this but I say have a REAL talk with her. Straight forward, everything you are feeling. Tell her what your concerns are and see what she says. If she continues with her behavior (as it seems that she already has) then you two are probably just better off with other people, and I suggest you break up with her to find someone better for you.
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 The two of you have different future goals and a number of other relationship issues. Do both of you a favour, if you're not ready to get engaged, don't do it just to make her happy. It will only turn into resentment. Having said that, make certain that you're not just resenting this because your pride tells you to call the shots. A pretty stupid reason for putting your relationship on the line for. Turning that around again, both of you are way too young and by what's been posted in this thread and others, immature to consider an engagement, nvm marriage.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 There's so many things wrong with this argument that I wouldn't even know where to begin. 1. she doesn't care if its me she's getting engaged to 2. she doesnt care about what i want 3. she's shaming me for not wanting to rush marriage 4. she's forcing engagement on me 5. she thinks im a follower without a mind of my own 6. she is far from ready to be married, as am I 7. she'll cave up and not want to talk about it, preventing my point of view from ever reaching her eyes 8. she doesn't care about my point of view at all 9. shes projecting her traits onto me ie. selfishness, not caring about her, heavily influenced by others (cousin, mother) Its so hard to even sit down and have a serious talk with her. When she gets upset all she does is get flustered, she won't even let me get a full sentence in before cutting me off with something else or taking what I said out of context ie. "OH SO NOW YOU DO WANT TO THIS AND THAT". Its so godamn difficult to talk to her when she's upset. If I even make it there that is, most of the time she just doesn't want to talk about it. ****, she's such a catch but there's always a catch to that great catch I guess, hers is being ****ing impossible.
Lucky_One Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Sweetie, you are incredibly young. This is NOT the girl for you. I just realized that the girl you are talking about here is the girl who laughs at everything that any other guy says and flirts with them, but doesn't really flirt with you. WAY too may red flags here to consider a marriage at this point. (((((dr)))))
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 This girl is way to immature to even be thinking about marriage. She doesn't allow you to express your opinions or desires, and that is a red flag in itself. She values the idea of marriage more than the man (thanks Star). She probably will get married, too young, and she will be divorced by age 30. Don't be her ex-husband!
normal Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 The woman sounds crazy. She wants to get married so badly, she doesn't care to whom. In saying that she wants to be engaged by the end of this year, anyone could propose to her without her knowing who they really are. It could be a serial killer. An abuser. A conman. Do yourself a favor and get out now.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Wow. Doesn't care WHO she's engaged to. I'd take that as a big sign to dump the B. She is crazy. I think 10 months is WAY too early to be talking engagement. But that's JMO.
Katherineos123 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Yea. She sounds cookoo banana's! Drop this one like four flat tires.
confused_2008 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I was trying to find the thread from about a month ago where a guy had been with his girlfriend for about 3 years and she was demanding a proposal. Well, he wanted to wait a couple months until some vacation they had planned or something but she got so hung up on the lack of a proposal, she broke up with him. People that get too hung up on the end result of marriage to not enjoy what they have now have issues they need to sort out on their own. Your girlfriend is one of those people.
chrislovestosurf Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 My GF and I have been together for 10 months. Things haven't been too smooth but not too rocky either, its a balance of both. We have our disagreements, we argue. She wants to get engaged by the end of this year. I'm 20 and she's 22. We're both very young and have alot of time ahead of us. While I'd love to say that will be together forever I can't help but be realistic and just throw that "you never know" in there. Who knows what could happen in 10 years? But she doesn't really think like that. She said it has nothing to do with me, its what SHE wants. She WANTS to be engaged by the end of this year, regardless if its with me, or some other guy after me. Currently we're fighting because I don't want to be engaged by the end of this year, it's too soon in my opinion, and I feel like she's rushing things quite a bit. Not only is she rushing things but engagement isn't something you should be forcing onto your SO in my opinion. She's very upset because she constantly brings up that her cousin was engaged at 20, and her mom was married at 23, so its her justification of wanting to be engaged at an early age. She tells me that I don't have a mind of my own and that I'm heavily influenced by people around because when I'm having difficulties in my relationship, I go to them for advice while she doesn't open up or talk to anybody. But it seems the core reason for her wanting to be engaged so early is because her mother and cousin were. She said that I'm a bad BF because no girl should even have to argue about when she wants to get engaged. She said its always about me but I could easily say its all about her. You don't get engaged when one partner is not ready, both partners have to be ready and willing. Its only been 10 months so far, and by the time she wants to get engaged gets here, it won't even be 2 years. It all just seems so rushed to me. It sucks because our relationship was going so well and its like she's ready to throw it all away because I'm not really keen on getting engaged so early. She said we shouldn't be together because we want different things, we're two different people, I don't love her because I'm not willing to propose to her by the end of the year. Who picks when they want to get engaged anyway? It wouldn't even feel right to me because its planned, its not when I'm ready to, its when she wants it. Ugh I'm so frustrated duke...I really don't understand. Not to be a jerk dude, but get some balls.. please. Put her in her place and if that doesnt work get rid of her.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 So after she calmed down I had a serious talk with her. I told her pretty much that she's placing more importance on the engagement than her partner. She said that's not true, then contradicted herself by saying she could meet a 26 year old guy who'd be ready to propose in 6 months. I showed her that she doesn't even care about who she gets engaged to because she's so hung up on getting engaged by the end of the year. I told her that we're both too young, and both need to mature. She said that I might as well not even be with her because if I'm thinking like this now I'll back out of marriage. I told her that all of this **** she shouldn't even be forcing on her SO, not if she truly cared about them and took what their needs are into consideration. She then hung up the phone on me, didn't hear from her for the rest of the night. I'm a great looking guy, so I could rebound from her pretty quick if we were to break up but it feels like this is just something I need to set her straight on. I've done it before with her wanting to have a kid. So I know I can make her calm all that bull**** down. I really don't want to just drop her yet, but work my way with her to a solution. Right now she's being so pissy and immature about it that its hard to get through to her, but last night I know I got through to her because she was very silent when I told her she places more importance on the engagement itself than her SO, showing that she doesn't even give a **** about me, or whoever the **** she's going to marry by whenever. And she knows it. Acting like a selfish bitch.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Wooaahh dude, your last post says it all. Seriouisly break up with this girl. "I'm not ready to drop her yet? She's being a selfish bitch?" "I can rebound quick from her?" T These are NOT things you say about someone you love and want to marry someday. She wants to get engaged/married. Let her go do that. Oh and why the hell did you have this conversation over the phone?????
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