girlsweetness Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Hi Everyone, My ex broke up with me over a year ago stating he didn't feel the spark. When we started talking again months after no contact he said the breakup was more over our cultural differences than him not having feelings. So he insisted we meet again I waited months before a first meeting in order to protect myself. We ended up meeting again, he would take me to dinners, we would go on outings every weekend, meet up after work for coffee etc. He also made me valentine's day dinner, even wanted to make me a special b-day dinner. He also started to hold my hand when we were out and kiss me goodbye, make out with me at his place etc. We never had sex it was purely just kissing. Anyways the last time I was with him I was getting upset at the fact of him doing this without any talk of a relationship. It takes two to tango and I should have set my boundaries way earlier on. So last night we spoke and he said basically that I was a friend with benefits. Like all I was to him was a friend. I never asked him for this information but he said he had thought about what I said the last time we were together and didn't want to cheapen me. Additionally he never states what he wants to say until he runs it by a few friends and family and they usually tell him what to tell a girl. For example when we broke up he needed them to tell him it was the right thing to do. When I was spending time with him and would say I needed to go to the gym or had a dinner to get to he would get super mad and say normal couples don't do that, they stay over, he kept comparing us to what normal couples do. He would call me his date if we were out. I am so utterly confused. He also had tickets for an event in April which he got for my siblings but now says if they don't come to it he will take his dad, even though he initially said he would have taken me. This weekend we have tickets to something and he keeps insisting he wants to take me, but I think he is just doing it to be nice and is the type that weeds people out slowly - I know this from how he has spoken of friendships. He keeps saying how he values our friendship and doesn't want to ruin it, but when he broke up with me he said the same things about wanting to be friends yet made no attempt to do so it was more to soften the blow. I am wondering do I walk away? If I do should i say a word or just simply ignore? Do I explain myself? Yesterday when we talked I found myself explaining myself over and over, I feel he has played a game with me. I know the entire time he was doing online dating but states he never met anyone and nobody is on the radar. I just feel so bad right now for even giving a second chance. He is the one who wanted the chance and before it began again he said his intention was to see if things would work again. And everything he did in his actions was what a person you date would do not a friend. Please give me any advice and direction you have.
2sure Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 If this man is still running all of his thoughts by his family and friends before making decisions...he isnt ready for a real relationship. If he has told you that he does not want a relationship with you other than a friendship, then yu should believe him. What hurts you most I think is that his idea of this "friendship" includes some intimacy or he is not interested in the friend part. If this hurts you, you should not take part. You sound as though you are considering waiting him out. As in - if you continue to see him and your relationship becomes long term - it will just naturally develop into something more than FWB. But you know that while seeing you he can and will see others if the opportunity arises. You are setting yourself up. If you honestly want more than FWB from him...you have to not see him. If you can be comfortable with that and date others (as he will) , then do it.
Author girlsweetness Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Hi, Thank you for your response. I have always questioned his inability to make his own decisions. It makes things very difficult because days or weeks will go by where he acts like everything is normal but as soon as he speaks to a good friend he starts to question things or pull away. It has happened on several occasions. At one point his friend simply asked what my hobbies were and his friend stated to him that it seemed we didn't have much in common. From that comment he decided to pull away and I didn't find out for over a week that this was the reason.In other instances he told his friends and family that he thought my family was too dysfunctional and that there were cultural divides and they decided for him that I wasn't right. I guess it also makes a difference that I am his one and only relationship ever. He has never been with a woman and is almost 30 years old, no serious dating, not one relationship other than me. I do feel he was attempting to pursue a relationship with me as he was organizing romantic dinners, and doing very couple like activities. I also think maybe he is pursuing someone since he is using online dating that could be a possibility. And I may have been a way for him to spend his time while he waited it out and seen if a spark would fly with another female. I am wondering if I should simply walk away? And if I do so do I need to have a conversation with him about the reasons or simply go?
2sure Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 There seem to be several possiblilities here, especially considering his inexperience with relationships. He may have trouble communicating his own feelings to you, so uses the "comments" by friends and family to tell you what he is thinking himself. Regardless, his actions show he is pulling away, so take that at face value. It is possible that he is simply a late bloomer. Now that he has this one relationship under his belt, he may feel that he is ready to explore more. Who wants to pick from a choice of one? Not that he may not be completely connected to you - but he has nothing in his life experience to tell him that. Yet. As to what you should do. Well, you cant make him do anything. You cannot say: I'VE dated and trust me - I'm the one for you. You have to let him go and see if he comes back. The tricky part is you have to really let him go. Tell him what you would like out of this relationship, tell him you understand he cant give it, tell him you are moving on. And do it. YOU date others. Let him go out and date others. Its possible that in the future he will regret leaving you and its also possible you will find someone who is confident of their feelings for you.
Author girlsweetness Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Hi there, I know that he trusts his family and friends opinions a lot because his biggest area where he lacks confidence is in relationships so he is very unsure of things constantly. Somewhere deep down I am sure he has certain fears and they are re confirmed by what people in his life say to him. I do agree with what you are saying in terms of him not having that relationship experience so he obviously can't just settle on the first person he has dated. I on the other hand have experiences so I am more able to know what I am looking for. I think he is hunting around because he believes strongly in a fantasy type of relationship where everything is like a fairytale. I feel I have sort of confirmed that he isn't into me anymore because he was talking about this party he went to and how he met some new people and is going to the mountains with them this weekend and every name he mentioned seemed to be a female. I can't drive myself crazy wondering I just have to accept things and move on. I did ask him if maybe he met someone but he said he hadn't and that he had nobody on the radar. He said he values our friendship too much to ruin it with intimacy now. He said he was being selfish before and realized that now. I think the reality is he thought we could have a chance and wanted some action but now that he has met some new people he'd like to see how that progresses and he needs to do whatever is right for him. As for me I do feel a bit sad, because I gave it a second chance when I should have known from the first time that we had nothing left considering he left me.
kimbop Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Girl, he seems utterly unsure of himself. Maybe he is a late bloomer to relationships but he has lived long enough to know that he doesn't need permission slips signed by his friends and family to make it official when his actions say otherwise. He says one thing and does something completely contradictory. I mean my guy friends (who are all around 30) do not plan romantic outings for me because I would be perturbed first of all and second it would mean they want something more than mere friendship. Granted he may be scared to make things official. Because he's a guy, and a lot of guys I know don't like to be boxed into a "terminology" unless he's set on one girl long term. But a guy with any sense would not declare the girl he's making an effort to date to be his friend with benefits after pulling all the sh*t he did to you without running for hills because a lot of women (me included) would be chasing his a** with a baseball bat. Anyway, regardless of what he's doing, do you want to try again with this guy who's probably more fickle than Paris Hilton deciding on who to date? Really? He's going to continue to disappoint you it seems because he never knows himself.
Author girlsweetness Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Hi Kimbop, Thank you for your thoughts. The mixed messages he was sending was definitley confusing. The valentines day dinner he did was not just any dinner, he went into a lot of thought and planning, set the place up, cooked the meal, got me chocolates and a card. It was never something a friend would do. Not to mention inviting me to all of his family gatherings like brunches, dinner, and a trip to the mountains. I never went to these because I felt it would be odd to go if there was no talk of a relationship. So I am pretty sure that maybe he wanted more than FWB, but in his way of washing his hands clean he wanted to just talk about how the FWB was obviously hard on me and unfair. It is just strange how fast people change. But I have to add I feel like an idiot. This is the same guy who dumped me a day before my birthday after making plans for it and inviting me to all these family functions of his knowing he was questioning things. I also know his family partly is the reason we broke up because right after spending xmas with them I was dumped within two weeks. They thought the cultural differences was too much. I know he changed his mind on me so quickly then. I also know if the love was truely there and he wanted to be with me he would do so regardless of family and friends. If you love someone and care about them you will make up your mind. And now the people that he is hanging out with are people he has talked about badly in the past. He always called them an immature crowd who he wanted nothing to do with. Suddenly they are wonderful. I am not sure if I should try to be friends or walk away? I don't know if I should have a friendship on HIS terms that he decides everything and would probably diss me in a split second now that he has found something else.
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