Shygirl15 Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 He told me later on that he wanted to win me. It worked, and he's still just as wonderful now as he was nearly three years ago. So he viewed it as a competition? He sounds like a really good man, though.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I know I shouldn't let a few bad experiences turn me off. But I rarely find women are willing to admit they are multidating. And there is a good reason if they don't admit it or let their dates in on the secret. Think about it, what is the reason behind keeping several ongoing dates on a string a secret?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 If it's all about reassurance that one will never be alone, why date at all? Just marry the first guy who asks and see how well that works out. Uh, thats not the point for people who do NOT multi-date. I don't multi-date, i will go out on a date or two with someone and give them a chance. I will give them a consideration and respect I'd want in return. And I don't see much respect by being a player. if after a few dates it doesn't look like a fit, its time to move on. And if I did multidate, what do you think would happen if I told my dates I was also seeing a couple other women? LOL...I'd have wine thrown in my face several times.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 It really is NOT about a competition. First you say this above Then................. My man's self esteem is quite intact which is why, even though he knew I was dating others at the time we began, he wanted to date me. He told me later on that he wanted to win me. Sounds like a competition to me. And any woman that thinks they are a prize to be fought over is not prize in my book.
sally4sara Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Someone commented to the effect that anyone with some self-esteem would not tolerate multi-daters..... It isn't for everyone. I have to say though, the people who couldn't accept this during the initial courting stages, seemed to have much lower self-esteem to me. It seemed like they felt anyone with an alternative option to dating them would naturally rule them to be the lesser option. Of the ones who thought it was okay with them but after a date or two began to pout? They came off impatient and possessive either because they didn't want to wait very long due to the fact that some were fake. They knew they couldn't sustain the best behavior put-on they had going and started getting antsy that I'd figure them out before they got laid. When one would start to stand out from the rest, I would drop the other interests to learn more about the interesting one. I found one I liked and we're doing good. Alls well that ends well, right?
sally4sara Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Uh, thats not the point for people who do NOT multi-date. I don't multi-date, i will go out on a date or two with someone and give them a chance. I will give them a consideration and respect I'd want in return. And I don't see much respect by being a player. if after a few dates it doesn't look like a fit, its time to move on. And if I did multidate, what do you think would happen if I told my dates I was also seeing a couple other women? LOL...I'd have wine thrown in my face several times. I'd have just figured you were as normal as anyone else till you proved otherwise of your own merit.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Someone commented to the effect that anyone with some self-esteem would not tolerate multi-daters..... No, I said self-respect;) It isn't for everyone. I have to say though, the people who couldn't accept this during the initial courting stages, seemed to have much lower self-esteem to me. It seemed like they felt anyone with an alternative option to dating them would naturally rule them to be the lesser option. On the contrary, I think I'd have more to offer with all the jerks out there. But I'm not a sample. Either a woman is into me, or she isn't. If she wants to play me behind my back, then I'm not interested in that kind of person.
sally4sara Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 No, I said self-respect;) My pardons On the contrary, I think I'd have more to offer with all the jerks out there. But I'm not a sample. Either a woman is into me, or she isn't. If she wants to play me behind my back, then I'm not interested in that kind of person. "Sampling" is what casual dating is to me and realistically the only way to get to know if I'm interested in a person. I would say it only took a date or two to decide someone WASN'T interesting to me. If I can't get to know someone better before choosing, then I have to rely on physical appearance only. Or would it be preferred that I rely on money for deeming a man's worthiness? Only pretty rich boys for me! I don't have time to care about character or morals! Sadly, I couldn't determine someone was a good match for me so easily. This was largely due to the annoying pick-up artist guys who were fake and putting me on with their BS initial best behavior act to try to get laid. Seriously. Men should try to dissuade this crap amongst themselves. It really makes it harder on the real and honest men.
Chicago_Guy Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Someone commented to the effect that anyone with some self-esteem would not tolerate multi-daters..... It isn't for everyone. I have to say though, the people who couldn't accept this during the initial courting stages, seemed to have much lower self-esteem to me. It seemed like they felt anyone with an alternative option to dating them would naturally rule them to be the lesser option. Of the ones who thought it was okay with them but after a date or two began to pout? They came off impatient and possessive either because they didn't want to wait very long due to the fact that some were fake. They knew they couldn't sustain the best behavior put-on they had going and started getting antsy that I'd figure them out before they got laid. When one would start to stand out from the rest, I would drop the other interests to learn more about the interesting one. I found one I liked and we're doing good. Alls well that ends well, right? I disagree - I suspect that the guys who weren't cool with it probably assumed that you were a game player who was unable to commit to one man, despite what you may have told those guys you were dating. It seems like you view yourself as a prize to be won by the guy putting forth the most effort. However, many guys are turned off by women with that mentality, but maybe you don't want those guys anyway. I suppose that exceptionally attractive women can get away with this type of behavior, but most women wouldn't be able to pull this off.
Chicago_Guy Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Sadly, I couldn't determine someone was a good match for me so easily. This was largely due to the annoying pick-up artist guys who were fake and putting me on with their BS initial best behavior act to try to get laid. Seriously. Men should try to dissuade this crap amongst themselves. It really makes it harder on the real and honest men. Ok, now I get it - you're doing this to screen out the players. But you should realize that you are also turning off non-players who are going to assume that you yourself are in fact a player.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 "Sampling" is what casual dating is to me and realistically the only way to get to know if I'm interested in a person. I would say it only took a date or two to decide someone WASN'T interesting to me. I could go along with that. but in that time frame of multi-dating, there would be someone you would find interesting to you and have been on a few more dates with them thinking..."hmmmm....there might be something here"....so you'd keep going out with others if this other guy is knocking your socks off? In other words, if you are only on a few dates with each guy, then I suppose nobody is getting played. But if there is a guy that you have been seeing for a while longer because there is interest there, you still going to see other guys and basically impune the likely prospect's efforts? Sadly, I couldn't determine someone was a good match for me so easily. This was largely due to the annoying pick-up artist guys who were fake and putting me on with their BS initial best behavior act to try to get laid. Seriously. Men should try to dissuade this crap amongst themselves. It really makes it harder on the real and honest men. I agree...but I would also contend that being one of man prospects can make a real and honest man feel like you aren't a match for him.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I disagree - I suspect that the guys who weren't cool with it probably assumed that you were a game player who was unable to commit to one man, despite what you may have told those guys you were dating. There you go. that is what I was trying to say and just had difficulty saying it. Well said. No offense to sally as I don't get the idea she is a player if she is doing it fairly.
sally4sara Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I disagree - I suspect that the guys who weren't cool with it probably assumed that you were a game player who was unable to commit to one man, despite what you may have told those guys you were dating. It seems like you view yourself as a prize to be won by the guy putting forth the most effort. However, many guys are turned off by women with that mentality, but maybe you don't want those guys anyway. I suppose that exceptionally attractive women can get away with this type of behavior, but most women wouldn't be able to pull this off. Well that's what judgmental assumption cause I guess. They did me a favor then; I don't find judgmental assumptions or people who often make them interesting. They would've caused me to waste my time along with their own. I do consider myself a prize; shouldn't everyone? I don't think of myself as exceptionally attractive. By the standards of some of the men on here, I am a used up effort in futility. I am 35. I have and 11 year old son. Most people guess me much younger but I would compare myself with people I think of as "low-key hot", like Claire Danes or Neve Campbell. So not so exceptional as others but better than some? Maybe I am just really good at being my own agent. As for guys who are put off with that kind of mentality in a woman.....they seem just fine with that kind of mentality in a man and that double standard is off putting to ME. So I guess I'm glad they don't take interest in me once they discover my mentality.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I do consider myself a prize; shouldn't everyone? . Absolutely. As long as it doesn't smack of narcississm or entitlement. I think I am a prize for a woman, but I'm not going to make women fight over me. (no, not saying that is what you are doing, just saying.) But let me ask you this. If you are dating multiple guys at the same time, are they paying for everything? and if so, are you trying to show them why they should choose you?
Stockalone Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Well that's what judgmental assumption cause I guess. They did me a favor then; I don't find judgmental assumptions or people who often make them interesting. They would've caused me to waste my time along with their own. ... As for guys who are put off with that kind of mentality in a woman.....they seem just fine with that kind of mentality in a man and that double standard is off putting to ME. So I guess I'm glad they don't take interest in me once they discover my mentality. I have no problem to admit that I make jugdemental assumptions, but it sounds like you are just as likely to make them as well. Basically, only people that are like-minded are a good match. It's all a matter of perception, how we view things. There is what is right for us, that doesn't make it the best solution for everyone else.
sally4sara Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Sorry I took a while to respond Dex. I don't have much spare time lately. But let me ask you this. If you are dating multiple guys at the same time, are they paying for everything? and if so, are you trying to show them why they should choose you? I've many times said I prefer to pay my own way during courting. Its not that I've never bought anyone dinner or tickets. Its not that no one has ever done the same for me. That is usually something done between friends, family, or invested relationship partners. There are a lot of hopes and expectations during the initial stages of dating. When thing don't go the way someone wanted, the first thing they tend to be upset about is how much effort (time and money) they consider wasted. I also learned fast that men who spend money easily on a practical stranger, do so like a magician uses gestures to keep you from seeing a slight of hand trick. There is something they are hiding; a wife/GF, personality flaw, or bad intention they feel compelled to compensate for. If I remove money from the equation it becomes easier to see the real person hiding behind it. Yes, I'm sure there were perfectly nice men I nixed after a couple dates. Guys who perhaps have less obvious good points. I have found though that most of my more successful moments with people were due to finding an immediate and natural ease with them. As for the guys who just assumed I was a lying player despite my being up front: Maybe they should've practiced a little more wait and see and a little less assuming? Funny how some folk with spend weeks, sometimes months researching what car, city, or college is the best but can't be bothered to do the same with people. Thankfully, some do. To Stock, How you perceive what I've typed and what you think it indicates about me could very well be a direct result of making judgmental assumptions. I'm sure I am guilty of doing the same as its pretty impossible to claim otherwise. No one is without judgment, but I do try to be open minded and examine the motives behind my own.
amymarieca Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 you can keep your options open if you like. but if a guy finds out he is just one of many options, if he had any self-respect, he would give you one less option at your disposal. If someone wants to date more than one person at a time, hey, knock yourself out, but don't expect any of them to be happy with it if they find out. If I was working towards a relationship with someone and found out I was being played behind my back, she'd be deemed unworthy of me. So I guess the real question is, are you telling these guys that they aren't the only ones you are dating? And if not, why? Ah, so otherwise you are just using the guys where there isn't a huge chemistry? But you'll still date them eh? I see that as leading people on. Dexter, I am not playing anyone. I do in fact tell people I am not dating them exclusively until we talk about it. When you live in a big city, it is a mistake to assume that people only date one person at a time. It does not work that way! You cannot be upset at someone for dating other people until you tell them you want something more. Dating and relationship have two different definitions. And no, I am not using the guys that I don't feel huge chemistry with. I am not looking for the one right now. I just want to get to know people and see what is out there. The people I date know how I feel up front. There is nothing wrong with that. Since we are talking about opinions, and you have given me yours- I think the way you word things comes across as a little harsh and presumptuous. You may want to work on that. There is a huge difference between being honest and constructive verses being judgmental.
confused_2008 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 What about women in small towns (I would consider that <15,000)? Do you or your friends multidate or pretty much stick to one guy?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Sorry I took a while to respond Dex. I don't have much spare time lately. I've many times said I prefer to pay my own way during courting. Then you are a rare breed, especially if you are dating many men at the same time. You are doing it fairly. You are upfront and don't expect them to pay. I don't expect a woman to pay for a date, but if she is dating other men, then I'm being used.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I wouldn't commit to a chick dating multiple guys at once. If she was tossing me some pussy, I'd take her up on her offer, but that's about it. Just couldn't take a chick like that serious. If you want me to commit you gotta show me your able to dedicate your time to ME and ME only, not me and a bunch of other swingin dicks outs there, rofl get over yourself.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I wouldn't commit to a chick dating multiple guys at once. Well, If I did find out, I wouldn't be adverse to continue seeing her....but she is going to pay her own way when we go places.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Well, If I did find out, I wouldn't be adverse to continue seeing her....but she is going to pay her own way when we go places. Damn right.
sally4sara Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I wouldn't commit to a chick dating multiple guys at once. If she was tossing me some pussy, I'd take her up on her offer, but that's about it. Just couldn't take a chick like that serious. If you want me to commit you gotta show me your able to dedicate your time to ME and ME only, not me and a bunch of other swingin dicks outs there, rofl get over yourself. You sound classy. Certainly way too classy for me. I wish I was classy enough to sleep with people I disapproved of. I don't date anymore and haven't for going on 5 years now. Not since my current relationship started. That would also lend to the possibility of a person being able to casually date many, but still be able to commit fully when they find a compatible partner to have a healthy relationship with. I don't just recommend this style of dating to women. I don't just recommend this style of dating to weed out jerks. I recommend this style of dating to anyone interested in shopping with a clear head so they can then love hard with a free heart.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 You sound classy. Certainly way too classy for me. I wish I was classy enough to sleep with people I disapproved of. I don't date anymore and haven't for going on 5 years now. Not since my current relationship started. That would also lend to the possibility of a person being able to casually date many, but still be able to commit fully when they find a compatible partner to have a healthy relationship with. I don't just recommend this style of dating to women. I don't just recommend this style of dating to weed out jerks. I recommend this style of dating to anyone interested in shopping with a clear head so they can then love hard with a free heart. I don't know why some females get their panties in a bunch about that. If I'm having sex with you, I approve of you. Just because I do not choose to commit to you does not mean you're lacking in anything as a person, as a woman, as a human being - its just my preference. Get over it. If I didn't approve of you I wouldn't give you the pleasure of enjoying my dick.
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