kashmir Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Sometimes I like to reflect on past failed encounters I had with girls in order to improve potential future encounters. I also like to think of any possible chances I have with girls now and think about how I can approach them. Remember, these skills don't come naturally to me. It's easy for people to say that I shouldn't analyze at all, but it's what I need to do. I'll mention a thing or two in this post where I was trying to act as relaxed as possible with a girl and then suddenly hit a brick wall. So here are my thoughts: First, what are things girls my age do to show interest in a guy? I've heard some guys say they actually get approached bt pretty hot girls. That never happens to me. I hardly get looked at by a girl or smiled at. Strangely, when I'm working a job and dealing with customers of a wide age range, women > 30 years old flirt with me very strongly and frequently. Second - I'm trying to put myself in a girl's position. If she was somehow attracted to my looks, would any approach I make be taboo for her? It just seems so awkward and lame going up to a girl and trying to BS your way into a conversation. This part really confuses me sometimes. As I mentioned, I've noticed a trend where girls seem initially interested in me (probably being attracted to me physically), but then once I talk to them their interest wanes. I don't think I'm a boring talker at all. I answer questions asked to me fully, usually with a bit of humor or emotion. I usually have a dry sense of humor. I'm a good story-teller. I ask the girl questions and try my best to relate to her interests, at least showing some interest in what she likes. What I don't really do is flirt or compliment. I don't make any comments about a girl's appearance. The best compliment I'll give would be about something more abstract, and only if I really mean it (like, "oh, well with that major you must be pretty smart"). I'm wondering if I lose girls' interest because I don't show my interest enough, or that I come off as too cold to girls because I don't compliment them. I might add a few specific events with girls later. I need to sleep now.
Author kashmir Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 But I'm not going to add anything if no one bothers to respond. Can't say I'm surprised, though. I have my share of haters on this forum. How can I expect any decent help anymore? I don't even know why I still come here, other than the fact that I have nowhere else to go. At least I still try.
Els Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Dude. Don't you think you're overreacting? You only posted 12 hours ago, according to the log. Some people don't even go online every 12 hours. Just because you don't happen to get replies for 12 hours you go off on a tangent and say it's because you have haters, and thus extrapolate to the fact that you shouldn't expect decent help? Well, I'm afraid I can't answer your question because I'm not like the typical girl my age. A word of advice though: If this is the type of attitude you seem to strike women with, they're not going to be impressed.
samspade Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 It just seems so awkward and lame going up to a girl and trying to BS your way into a conversation. This part really confuses me sometimes. It's only awkward and lame because you think it is. You are not BSing your way into a conversation...you're just starting one. What I don't really do is flirt or compliment. I don't make any comments about a girl's appearance. The best compliment I'll give would be about something more abstract, and only if I really mean it (like, "oh, well with that major you must be pretty smart"). If you're not flirting, you're not going about it correctly. You need to have a flirtatious mindset - 24/7. If you're just talking to them about boring subjects, you will not trigger the correct feelings and they will see you as bland. Flirting can involve an occasional compliment, but it's more about being lighthearted, funny, confident, and teasing. You should tease a girl you like (without being insulting) and make her laugh. Whatever you do, don't compliment her too much - it will lose its potency. Girls get compliments all the time. What you need is practice and a change in attitude. It's okay to have dry humor, and telling a good story is a great talent. Just be more fun-loving and charismatic if you can. The less you care about the outcome, the better.
Author kashmir Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Dude. Don't you think you're overreacting? You only posted 12 hours ago, according to the log. Some people don't even go online every 12 hours. Just because you don't happen to get replies for 12 hours you go off on a tangent and say it's because you have haters, and thus extrapolate to the fact that you shouldn't expect decent help? Well, I'm afraid I can't answer your question because I'm not like the typical girl my age. A word of advice though: If this is the type of attitude you seem to strike women with, they're not going to be impressed. I apologize for my attitude. The last few days have been really bad for me and this morning I got into a fight with a teammate. Tensions are pretty high with things outside of girls. Please excuse my last post. I've calmed down a bit since I posted it. Sam: I understand what you're saying. I do tend to make both guys and girls laugh, both with dry humor and just being light-hearted. I'm not a boring person at all, as I can keep anyone else interested in me. I almost feel like I do have girls interested in me, but because I don't get very flirty with them they avoid me because they think I'm only interested in being friendly. It just always seems like doing something flirty is inappropriate. I honestly can't tell you any actions I might do or say that would show a girl that I have interest, besides talking to her and asking for her number at the end.
Alan430 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I havent started attempting to date yet, but i can relate. I ask myself this also, I can be funny but its typically not untill i get to know someone a little better. Try to think about from a womans perspective. If you walk up to her and strike up a conversation similar to a conversation you would have with an old man you meet at the grociery store, what kinda impression will that leave her of you? Bland and boring. For Men if we are physically attracted to a woman who did this we would be ok with it since we are dominated by our sense of sight. But for women is all emotional, how you make her feel. A polite conversation doesnt make her feel anything, which will leave her walking away with a bland impression of you. Be sure to give off positive Body language. This i think is especially hard because if your feeling nervous or shy your body will say more then you think. Woman are very good at reading body language and they dont even realize they are doing it. The best way to counter this is to truly take on a mind set of not caring about the outcome (if you figure this one out let me know) and expect to fail more often then you succeed. Get Comfortable just talking to woman as if they were just any one of your guy friends, and i believe the rest will follow. You sound a little down in the dumps and this is a woman repelant.... Do as i do and just practice smiling.. every time you think about it smile and just keep smiling, like a little smirk. It has been said that just practice smiling can actually change your perception on life. -- I will let you know if i ever get there!.. Anyways man Good luck i know how you feel, cause im pretty lost myself.
Viking Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 But I'm not going to add anything if no one bothers to respond. Can't say I'm surprised, though. I have my share of haters on this forum. How can I expect any decent help anymore? I don't even know why I still come here, other than the fact that I have nowhere else to go. At least I still try. Based on this posting here, you might come across as a little whiny and needy. Not really sure why you posted that.
Author kashmir Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Based on this posting here, you might come across as a little whiny and needy. Not really sure why you posted that. You say this all the time. I get it, and I really don't care that you think I'm a whiny little twerp because I know I'm not. Say it as many times as you want, but it's going to do absolutely nothing, to me, you, or anybody.
Author kashmir Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Alan, yes, this past month I've been at my lowest in a while, and that surely can't be a positive factor with attracting girls. I always get confused. Some people say treat a conversation with a girl you like as a conversation with any other person. I do that, and it does nothing for me. Then people say to treat it differently and do a lot more flirting. It's hard to figure out which is right.
Star Gazer Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Based on this posting here, you might come across as a little whiny and needy. Not really sure why you posted that. Agreed. It also has a sence of entitlement.
Alan430 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Alan, yes, this past month I've been at my lowest in a while, and that surely can't be a positive factor with attracting girls. I always get confused. Some people say treat a conversation with a girl you like as a conversation with any other person. I do that, and it does nothing for me. Then people say to treat it differently and do a lot more flirting. It's hard to figure out which is right. I think really the bottom line is trying to set a no expectations rule and get out there and get experience. Expect to crash and burn often, but think of it as practice and nothing more.
Els Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I apologize for my attitude. The last few days have been really bad for me and this morning I got into a fight with a teammate. Tensions are pretty high with things outside of girls. Please excuse my last post. I've calmed down a bit since I posted it. Sam: I understand what you're saying. I do tend to make both guys and girls laugh, both with dry humor and just being light-hearted. I'm not a boring person at all, as I can keep anyone else interested in me. I almost feel like I do have girls interested in me, but because I don't get very flirty with them they avoid me because they think I'm only interested in being friendly. It just always seems like doing something flirty is inappropriate. I honestly can't tell you any actions I might do or say that would show a girl that I have interest, besides talking to her and asking for her number at the end. It's fine. Maybe you might wanna stop worrying about getting a girl for a bit? I know this much, that girls love a man with passion for what he does, instead of a man who trips all over his feet planning for hours on how to get them or what to say to them.
Alan430 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 It's fine. Maybe you might wanna stop worrying about getting a girl for a bit? I know this much, that girls love a man with passion for what he does, instead of a man who trips all over his feet planning for hours on how to get them or what to say to them. Seems he is pretty pasionate about this. But Elswyth does have a point maybe you should focus on other things and let it come natural instead of forcing something right now. Everyone has their bad days, and Slaps their guts all over the forum. Why dont you be the bigger person and try to show some compassion. :rolleyes:
Author kashmir Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Agreed. It also has a sence of entitlement. Stay out of my threads or I'm going to report you. You never have anything good to say. You hated me from the day I came here and whenever you see me post your only intention is to throw something negative into the conversation. Your voice means NOTHING to me, and I'm not the only one on LS that thinks that. So please, get lost. Elswyth, people have been telling me to stop worrying about girls since my balls dropped. That's not going to do much, because no matter what I'm going to have sexual desires. I have a number of passions that I spend a lot more time on than women. Recently I've been meeting some trouble with all of them, which has naturally had an effect on my attitude. I'm trying my best to get through them alone. I just think I might be a little happier with the support of a girlfriend, or even just a few friends. That's all. It's something I've never had and would like to experience.
Els Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I understand, really I do. There was one period of my life when I thought I'd be single forever. But it's true how things always come when you least expect it and don't need it so very much. Murphy's Law in action, perhaps. The way you're going at it isn't gonna help anybody. And errrr I'm not sure how it's like for guys but is sex really THAT much better for satiating your sexual desires than jerking off at really good stimuli? I know people say it's a 'loser thing' etc but it's really not. There's nothing wrong with a good DIY, it's far better than being desperate for a relationship for sex (not JUST for sex, I know, I read). With all that said, I do hope someone can help you with your questions if you're really determined to make a science out of it. All the best!
Isolde Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Sorry Kash, but I don't really understand the question. You seem to be seeking a formula that doesn't exist--if it did, none of us would be posting on LS day after day.
Author kashmir Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Sorry Kash, but I don't really understand the question. You seem to be seeking a formula that doesn't exist--if it did, none of us would be posting on LS day after day. When you notice a certain outcome happens several times, you begin to wonder if it's something specific you're doing. Thus, you experiment with different changes, seeing if one is better than the others. In my case, I notice the same two outcomes happening with girls. 1 - they look at me for a while, I try to show some interest by smiling yet never talk to them as I never know what to say. Eventually they stop showing the interest they used to. OR 2 - I do manage to talk with them, but after talking with the a girl for a bit her interest also seems to fade. The first situation is just me being shy and not approaching a girl in the window of opportunity I have. This is partly due to some bad encounters I've had with girls that have in a way conditioned me to not approach. I'm mostly asking about the second situation. I'm asking what I could be doing the might repeal these girls. This is hard for LS people to answer, as they don't know what I'm like in real life. For the benefit of the doubt, though, assume I can make people laugh, can speak without any impediments or nervousness, and can speak in myriad variety of tones and emotions. Assume this is what I'm doing. What am I NOT doing that's holding me back?
Isolde Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 When you notice a certain outcome happens several times, you begin to wonder if it's something specific you're doing. Thus, you experiment with different changes, seeing if one is better than the others. In my case, I notice the same two outcomes happening with girls. 1 - they look at me for a while, I try to show some interest by smiling yet never talk to them as I never know what to say. Eventually they stop showing the interest they used to. OR 2 - I do manage to talk with them, but after talking with the a girl for a bit her interest also seems to fade. The first situation is just me being shy and not approaching a girl in the window of opportunity I have. This is partly due to some bad encounters I've had with girls that have in a way conditioned me to not approach. I'm mostly asking about the second situation. I'm asking what I could be doing the might repeal these girls. This is hard for LS people to answer, as they don't know what I'm like in real life. For the benefit of the doubt, though, assume I can make people laugh, can speak without any impediments or nervousness, and can speak in myriad variety of tones and emotions. Assume this is what I'm doing. What am I NOT doing that's holding me back? I hate to sound holier than thou--believe me, I know how much it sucks to get condescending advice, I get it all the time--but have you ever thought that it might be them, and not you, most of the time? College is full of immature kids who don't have a clue about what they need, or even want in the opposite sex. College is full of kids that want to experiment with sex now and worry about meaningful relationships later. (True, some people do find serious relationships, and I can understand the frustration at not having had a "college relationship experience" yet, but you have the rest of your life!) Based on some of the scenarios you've described here, I do understand why you're discouraged. Some of the girls you've been around have been unbelievably rude and mean. You say you go after shy and nice girls, and they still reject you. Maybe it's just isn't your time to date a lot. (College wasn't mine.) But maybe it is, you're only half way through college anyway. Just keep doing what you're doing. I stopped worrying about my lack of experience when I realized that most of the people who rejected me were bad matches for me, and that I just do NOT have enough "data" to extrapolate that I'm not R material. For the first time in my life, I'm actually thinking seriously about guys' personalities and prioritizing that ahead of looks. I'm learning so much, and I'm not even going on any dates lately! Like me, you enjoy thinking and analyzing. Turn that into an attribute and use your time as a single person to learn everything you possibly can.
lustans Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Kashmir, since you were one of the very people who actually tried to be constructive when I had a few posts here recently, I will return the favour: Look into the pick-up communities. I did so in my late twenties, and it was an eye-opener beyond believe. It helped me understand what I had been accidentally been doing right, what I had been doing wrong, how my perception of women's attitudes in many areas (including sex) had been completely warped in my youth, etc. Note that even though there are many sex-fixated creeps out there, and although some of the ideas may be rubbish, there is alot of value to be found. The majority are good guys who just try to be better with women---without trying to get them all into bed. In fact, the core topic is personal improvement of various kinds. A good first starting point could be http://www.theattractionforums.com They even have a few female posters who bring actual insight.
Author kashmir Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Isolde, I have indeed heard that a lot. Thing is, while I'd probably prefer a relationship, I wouldn't mind "experimenting" with sex like so many others in college. I've had hardly any sexual encounters, and the few I did have weren't the least bit enjoyable for me. But I can't get that either. There's not a single girl I've known for the past year that would consider me sexually, even if her looks or personality weren't very nice. I just can't talk to girls that suggests my interest in them besides asking for their number. Here's a dumb yet notable example - tonight myself and a bunch of guys were coming back from a race and stopped at a chain restaurant. While waiting for a table, I went to the arcade they had and won a stuffed animal from the claw machine (I have a knack for boardwalk games...something that might be useful for amusement park dates ). Anyway, later on the guys were egging me on to give it to one of the hot hostesses and hit on them. When the time came down to it, with them right behind me, I had no idea what to say and just placed the animal on the stand and mumbled several fragments of speech ideas I had while walking away. The guys of course called me a pussy outside, but whatever. This just reminded me how I never know what to say. We were an hour away from home. I would never see these girls again. I could creep them out bigtime and it wouldn't matter, but still I couldn't hit on them. That brings me to lustan's point about PUA's. I have read up on some of that stuff. It just seems so far out to me. I'd feel like a total idiot for saying some of those things to girls. I don't know...maybe I should force myself to use some of their tactics?
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