cherrymoon Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 so I had an affair, no justification, no excuse. yet I am here another chance he says and I am bruised and hurt living in my fear, my beautiful girls have seen there mum thrown against a wall. and it is my fault. Do I love him yes when he is normal but right now i have chairs against the door I m cold am I am alone, no money no where to run and too sore. i fought back I had too and now he tells me he did nothing. I attacked him. I didn't because I don't need to. my hand hurts from where he grabbed me and my back is bruised from the door handle he threw me against. He didn't hit me he never does so it isn't abuse. I will tell you hand on heart when I am out of line. tonight I hurt I know I should leave 4 kids crying and not understanding. They want their mum and dad and I can't change him. I am sorry I am sorry I had an affair and thought I would be saved. I am sorry I love the good guy in him. I am sorry that I didn't tell him **** off 17 yrs ago when I saw the start of this. my beautiful kids are hurting I am a **** mum I want it all I want the good husband and wonderful father not this guy. yeap he has a scratch on his face and a bruise on his arm but he went for me and my counsellor told me when he sexually assaulted me I am allowed to protect me. I want to be normal and i want I lifew with him I don't know what to do. that keeps me and my kids happy. I am alone I do love him and I adore my kids but this makes me the worst mum
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Get your kids and get out of that house NOW, get to a safe place (parents, friends, someone) or call 911. Your poor kids have seen their mom being abused (yes he IS abusing you!!) and thrown against a wall BY their FATHER. That in itself has messed them up and hurt them too. Reguardless of your affair, it isn't a justification for your husband to push/shove/hit/abuse you. Make the call tomorrow, get some counselling for you and the kids.
bentnotbroken Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Loving him doesn't require you stop loving yourself in the process. Affair aside, you are dealing with life and death issues now. If you do not leave(whether you love him or not)you will die. This will escalate. You will die emotionally if not physically and your children will die a little bit everyday too. It is time you seek outside help. Fear will not stop him.
signedin2008 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 so I had an affair, no justification, no excuse. yet I am here another chance he says and I am bruised and hurt living in my fear, my beautiful girls have seen there mum thrown against a wall. and it is my fault. Do I love him yes when he is normal but right now i have chairs against the door I m cold am I am alone, no money no where to run and too sore. i fought back I had too and now he tells me he did nothing. I attacked him. I didn't because I don't need to. my hand hurts from where he grabbed me and my back is bruised from the door handle he threw me against. He didn't hit me he never does so it isn't abuse. I will tell you hand on heart when I am out of line. tonight I hurt I know I should leave 4 kids crying and not understanding. They want their mum and dad and I can't change him. I am sorry I am sorry I had an affair and thought I would be saved. I am sorry I love the good guy in him. I am sorry that I didn't tell him **** off 17 yrs ago when I saw the start of this. my beautiful kids are hurting I am a **** mum I want it all I want the good husband and wonderful father not this guy. yeap he has a scratch on his face and a bruise on his arm but he went for me and my counsellor told me when he sexually assaulted me I am allowed to protect me. I want to be normal and i want I lifew with him I don't know what to do. that keeps me and my kids happy. I am alone I do love him and I adore my kids but this makes me the worst mum Are you still having an affair? You need to use commas on your sentences. It's very hard to read without them.
Reggie Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Sounds like this type of abuse has gone on for a long time. I imagine you may be too scared or beaten down to recognize how bad this is. Can you get help from a shelter?
tami-chan Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Cherrymoon....<hugs> don't worry about commas and such! I think you are too distraught to think about "them things". Just type. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through... Do you have family nearby? You need somebody independent to intervene. Please get help.
signedin2008 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Cherrymoon....<hugs> don't worry about commas and such! I think you are too distraught to think about "them things". Just type. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through... I disagree. Your writing here is almost useless if potential readers who are going to give you great advice were turn away by the difficulty of reading what you wrote. Don't listen to tami-chan, she doesn't know what she's doing or talking about. Use commas and try not to have way too many typos.
Reggie Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Okay, were off, commas vs content. TC vs Signed. I vote for content, and cut her some slack on punctuation. But, then again, writng is not my forte, either.
tami-chan Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I disagree. Your writing here is almost useless if potential readers who are going to give you great advice were turn away by the difficulty of reading what you wrote. Don't listen to tami-chan, she doesn't know what she's doing or talking about. Use commas and try not to have way too many typos. Wow, you are getting really personal about this, mentioning my name and such...I am honored!:p:p!! <i think I have a new fan :D:D>.
jwi71 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Cherrymoon, Immediately call 911. Your PoS H deserves the charge and the night in jail. There are precious few acceptable reasons to assault a woman (like self defense) and this doesn't qualify. Then pack your bags and leave RIGHT NOW. Go anywhere. Hotel, friend, family, shelter for abused women...anything, anywhere. Do NOT bail him out. Do NOT be home when he is released. Cheating at this point is a secondary concern. The primary crisis is the violent physical abuse...and maybe even gaslighting...which is physiological abuse. LEAVE NOW. Call the police NOW.
angie2443 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Listen to the people who are telling you to get out. Has he hit or verbally abused your children? If he hasn't yet, I'm pretty sure he will. Take care of yourself and take care of them. I wanted to add, it sounds like the abuse has been going on before the affairs. Don't be guilted into staying with this man because of any cheating. You need to get out.
2sure Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Cherrymoon - From your previous posts and responses , I know that you are an insightful and intelligent woman. I also kmow that you have become such a victim to your husband - that you feel some abuse is OK. You feel it is OK to be punished. But its not. I know you WANT to live a normal life. You are capable of it and you honestly feel your H is capable of it. But the p[attern of your marriage and your role as a victim has been set. You are not living the life you were meant to. I know with 4 kids and being dependent and broke leaving does not seem possible. But Cherry - something MUST change. You are not going to be able to apologize enough, be quiet enough, etc.... Cherry. You have to stop accepting being a victim. You have to stop thinking you deserve to be punished even sometimes. Start with that.
Owl Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I agree with the posters who have urged you to leave. OK...you had an affair. And if I recall your story (and forgive me if I mis-remember), your H has had his as well. Regardless, there is no justification for abuse. I suggest that you leave, with your daughters. Set a boundary here...you will NO LONGER ACCEPT ABUSE. It doesn't matter if HE feels it's abuse or not...it's YOUR boundary. Seperate...get counseling. Make anger management/abuse counseling a HARD CONDITION of any kind of reconciliation talks. Do not agree to go back to the marriage as it is...tell him you'd consider a NEW marriage with him under the right conditions (only if you consider this possible...otherwise, file for divorce). Ending your own affair would of course have to be part of that discussion...but first and foremost, remove yourself and your family from an abusive situation.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Cherrymoon, Immediately call 911. Your PoS H deserves the charge and the night in jail. There are precious few acceptable reasons to assault a woman (like self defense) and this doesn't qualify. Out of curiosity, you say there are a "precious few" reasons to assault a woman. One reason would be self defense, and even then you'd have to defend and not "assault". So since you said "few", are there any other reasons you think it would be acceptable if not defense? Not slamming your point, just curious what other reasons there may be.
jwi71 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Out of curiosity, you say there are a "precious few" reasons to assault a woman. One reason would be self defense, and even then you'd have to defend and not "assault". So since you said "few", are there any other reasons you think it would be acceptable if not defense? Not slamming your point, just curious what other reasons there may be. When I think its acceptable: 1) Reasonable threat of violence against my family or property 2) Reasonable threat of violence against others 3) Not taking the trash out when told 4) Reasonable intent to harm herself
Dexter Morgan Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 When I think its acceptable: 1) Reasonable threat of violence against my family or property Maybe, but even then if a threat is made, contact the police, get a restraining order. If you make the first move you can be seen as the aggressor, even if a "threat" was made from afar. If someone gets in your face, but still hasn't touched you, you can make a case for self defense out of fear of bodily harm. 2) Reasonable threat of violence against others This would not be acceptable. It would not be my place to punch a wife or gf of mine if she made a threat against someone else. Restraint is a different story. Again, the police need to be contacted. 3) Not taking the trash out when told While I find this funny, maybe not the proper time to make a joke in CM's thread when she is clearly hurting from the abuse suffered at the hands of her H. 4) Reasonable intent to harm herself Keep her from harming herself by harming her? Restraint is ok, but thats not assault. To be assault it has to be on the offensive. Defending or restraining is not offensive if it is to prevent harm to someone else or yourself.
jwi71 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I 100% agree with what you Dexter. I was thinking more along the lines of imminent threat. For instance, a woman intoxicated and angry is menacing others with a crowbar - likely to be tackled to the ground. An assault. But in my view, there is a reasonable expectation of violence against others.
Author cherrymoon Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 all for your replies. I need a lot of time to think, I don't want to give up on him but then again how many chances can you give? Sorry for my lack of punctuation. No I am not having an affair. It ended 2 years ago. I am going to do right by my children. I am not emotionally in a position to reply right now but wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to me. I need to breath and act on logic rather than emotions and love. Thank you again
bentnotbroken Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Please consider moving on. Love shouldn't hurt. Your children need you alive and well, not emotionally unavailable or worse. Seek help, please.
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