HelenetheSlytherin Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 This sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I know that I'm really very loving and all my life I've wanted to be happy and to have a loving relationship with someone who returns my love. I apologize that this is windy... I'm 29 and I've never been married or engaged, and I'm starting to get scared that I missed the boat. I have a friend from college that I used to be really in love with. That love that I have for him has faded, but for many years, I was sure he was "the one." Handsome, Mexican, romantic and loving. Let me make it clear that most of my latino friends are good and faithful, but Fulano has done some terrible things. It has nothing to do with his culture, most people down there are faithful to their friends. Fulano has really pissed me off. Ever since I met him in college, he's been saying I'm his best friend. He just got a girlfriend, though, and he has completely shut me out. I was in love with him for a long time, and a year ago, when he had a different girlfriend, I wrote him and spilled my feelings. He broke up with the girl who is now his ex, and told me that "we can have a relationship, but I can't wait for you, I need you," and led me to believe that he really cared for me. I have plans of going back to Mexico, but I'm going to Spain later this year, and I can't change my plans without giving up the chance to go to school and go to Spain, possibly for good. Well, I wrote him a few times and he never wrote back... and the other day I found out that he has a new girlfriend and he's "simplemente feliz y enamoradisimo" (just happy and very much in love). Before this relationship, he acted like I meant the sun and moon to him, and now he doesn't even write me. I feel like crap because this man who claims to be my best friend, threw me away like garbage. It makes me angry to see some whore getting joy from him and getting a loving man while I'm shut out in the cold, after standing by him. I know a thing or two about this girl and I have a feeling that she asked him to cut off contact with me. When I confronted her (I wrote her an email) she never answered me. I'm heartbroken because my friend has thrown me away. For a long time, when he was with his other girlfriend (the one who ois now his ex), I fought for his love. I'm at the point now where I realize that I want someone who loves me enough to fight for me. I feel my love for him fading, but now I'm scared to death. I'm 29 and I graduated from college years ago. I would like to have a relationship, but for years I thought that this guy was my last chance. I would like to have a latino, because I'm not attracted to "my own kind" but I'm out of college, and I'm done studying abroad, and I have no idea how I can EVER have another chance to meet someone. I'm beginning to feel badly about myself because someone so close to me threw me away like garbage. I can't imagine someone loving me too much to ever leave or hurt me. First of all, before any misunderstandings arise, I am not racist and I despise racism... before anyone accuses me of that I thought I should clarify. I'm simply attracted to latinos and not guys of my "own kind" because... that's who I'm attracted to. If I were lesbian, and I liked only other girls... it would be nothing against the guys. It's about sexual preference. I speak fluent Spanish and I've lived in Mexico for a long time. I have many friends who are latin guys, and I know for a fact that some latinos would take me seriously as a girlfriend, because my friends have said so, and I believe them. I mean no offense to white American guys, but it's just that I love latin culture so much. I don't know why but I always identified with it, and wanted so badly to be a part of that world and not an outsider. I'm not racist and I don't mean to hurt anyone but I'm starting to feel really jealous of latina women. it makes me jealous that every time Fulano gets a girlfriend, it's always a girl from his own culture. I want to pour my heart out to my other good friends, and I trust them, but I'm so afraid that my feelings of jealousy will offend them. I'm afraid that my friends will think I'm a bitch or a racist. It just makes me jealous that I want to have a mate so badly, and I feel like latinos will always prefer a girl from their own culture. I want to compete, but I'm just a boring mutt from Florida (British, Spanish, French, German, Czechoslovakian, and I think native American, not sure, etc. Maybe Martian or prairie dog. Who knows). It makes me jealous becuase I feel like I'm at a disadvantage. My Italian teacher says that it's natural that my friend would prefer another Mexican girl, when they have thousands of years of culture and heritage in common, and that I should be interested in my own kind. My chemistry teacher says I'm just strange and that most people are attracted to their own kind because it's human nature. I don't want to be alone, but I'm losing heart. I have no way of competing, or meeting someone, and I feel badly about myself. If you can help me, thank you... in advance.
confused_2008 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 You need to get over your obsession with this one guy. He obviously doesn't feel the same about you as you do him. All these years you have been building him up in your mind, but the fact is, there will be other men out there who will treat you better... who won't throw you away. You're obviously pretty dramatic about this and have a lot of emotion invested. You said you can feel your love fading, but you're scared. You have to let it go or no one will ever seem good enough to you.
Author HelenetheSlytherin Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but maybe I should clarify some things... I didn't mean this to come across as an obsession with HIM, just that I want to be happy, and have someone. What I meant to say in my post was that I'm scared that I missed the boat. I had hopes and dreams for this man for years, and it didn't work out, and now I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I'm running out of time and I wasted all those years on him. I'm kind of hating myself right now, not because I think I'm inferior but because I was in denial about this man for a long time. I noticed things and would think, "This just isn't right," but I would tell myself I was overreacting. I thought it was weird that I hung out with him all the time in college, but when I returned to my country, I wrote my friend and he never wrote me back for whatever reason. He'd talk to me on messenger and he made it sound as if I were the sun and stars, but he wouldn't answer my emails. This was long before he was in his current relationship. It's really kind of you to say that there are men who will treat me better... I'm really grateful that you listened and want to help me... but I'm still scared. My college years are over and I'm out in the "real world" and it feels awfully circumscribed: In college, you spend every day in close proximity with thousands of guys who are prospective mates... now I'm a teacher, and I like teaching but I can't help but contrast my school with the environment. Not many guys... a few teachers are men, but they're all married, they're all a lot older than me, and none of them are my type. Sure I go to church, and there are actually lots of Latino guys there, but the thing is, that most of the Latinos that come here as immigrants are already married and they bring their wives and children. Wouldn't work. How do you get a second chance when you're out of college, and you love a particular culture? Thanks for listening, if you've read this... it's windy, I know.
pinkmarble Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Try immersing yourself in the culture. Of course moving to Latin country or Spain widens your dating pool, but maybe try salsa dancing or something. I think your issue is less about your racial preference and more about you meeting people in general. If you've been hanging on to notions about Fulano, it's time to let him go completely. You still consider the years with him as time wasted - let it go. You're still living in the past if you still care about those years. College is not the only place to meet people. You can go out and do different things, hang out with your friends and their friends. 29 is not the end of the line - there are so many women who think that if they're single in their 30s they'll be single forever, and it's just not true. I don't know your personality, but try to be more open and social with people you see.
Author HelenetheSlytherin Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Try immersing yourself in the culture. Of course moving to Latin country or Spain widens your dating pool, but maybe try salsa dancing or something. I think your issue is less about your racial preference and more about you meeting people in general. If you've been hanging on to notions about Fulano, it's time to let him go completely. You still consider the years with him as time wasted - let it go. You're still living in the past if you still care about those years. I'm going to Spain later this year (to study) ... I began planning it before Fulano broke up with the girl who is now his ex. He wanted me to return to Mexico to be with him, but the only way I could have done that would have been to sacrifice my trip to Spain. I'm glad I didn't do it, and he knows how much my trip meant to me... I've sacrificed everything so that I can go. (Please don't try to talk me out of going... my family tried to but I KNOW that it's the right decision) It makes me angry that Fulano acted like he really cared about me and asked me to sacrifice something big, when I see now that he just wanted me to give up my dream and return to his country so I could be his "rebound girl." It's too bad that it's so hard for American citizens to immigrate to Spain nowadays. It doesn't look promising, but I'm gonna try to find work there. I don't think I'll meet the love of my life there but I've been researching Spain, and I'm in love with that place for many reasons. Thanks for listening to me, and for the ideas.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 He's just not that into you... Get it through your head and move on, find a man who loves you for you and has qualities you really like. You had your chance with him and he didnt want it, so what does that say to you?
Author HelenetheSlytherin Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 He's just not that into you... I get that... but what I don't get is why he's a hypocrite. He broke up with the girl he dated for a year, and made out like I meant the sun and moon to him, and asked me to drop my trip to Spain and go to his country to be with him. Obviously he wanted me for the rebound girl, and he deceived me. Why doesn't he just tell it like it is? If he didn't want me, why didn't he have the balls to tell me? I was straightforward about my feelings for him.
confused_2008 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Obviously he wanted me for the rebound girl, and he deceived me. Why doesn't he just tell it like it is? If he didn't want me, why didn't he have the balls to tell me? I was straightforward about my feelings for him. All the more reasons to move on and find a better man. Don't worry, you'll meet someone better than him and he will come crashing off the pedestal you have him up on. Believe me, I've been there... putting someone on a pedestal she didn't deserve to be on. When you meet a new guy, you'll think back on this and laugh to yourself.
Author HelenetheSlytherin Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 All the more reasons to move on and find a better man. Don't worry, you'll meet someone better than him and he will come crashing off the pedestal you have him up on. Believe me, I've been there... putting someone on a pedestal she didn't deserve to be on. When you meet a new guy, you'll think back on this and laugh to yourself. Um thanks... that is very good of you to listen to my problem and talk to me about it. I'm very, very grateful even though it hurts. What worries me is that there's nothing left to move on to... I'm doing more studies, but it's professional training. I'm grateful that I'm getting a chance to back to school, but I won't have time to meet people. When you're not an undergraduate anymore, it seems so hard. Thanks though.
Author HelenetheSlytherin Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 Thanks for helping me, but I can't imagine someone new now. I have my heart set on a latino. I'm not trying to be mean but I know in my heart that I can't love a guy from "my own kind." That's why I can't imagine someone new and how that could ever come about.
michelangelo Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 First off, if you intend to go to Spain, the Spaniards will not want to be referred to as "a latino." Mexicans too. No man wants to be wanted as some kind of fetish either. So they may use you sexually since, um, you're offering your romantic focus so easily just because they are "a latino." You may have missed to boat, as you say, because of this objectifying. Start thinking of potential romantic interests as actual people and you will have better luck.
Recommended Posts