justme2781 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I am 28 and he is 45. he is separated for a year and has two children. his ex / wife has a seriosu relationship. ive never dated anyone as old as he is but i really really klike him and feel comfortable with him, we have fun but i am concerned that he isnt divorced, and dont know if i should say soemthing. i havent felt like this for someone in years, ive dated but nothing serious so i dont want to just ignore that feeling but i want to be smart as well. i persued him, not the otehr way around.
chrissreef Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Do you want this to be serious? I wouldn't worry about the divorce thing until the relationship is several months old and you want/see more. You may see some anger from his kids as they might be closer in age to you than him. (?) Supposedly love has no age limits... but I hear it's difficult for 20 somethings and older vs a 40 and 60 yr old. My 24 yr old ex left me for someone 12 yrs older than her who makes 1/3 what I do and doesn't have much of a future, but he makes her "laugh" with all his partying and stuff and she sees it as serious... I just don't get it. It makes me sick, but I'm a guy. Every girl I've talked to sees it differently.
Author justme2781 Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 his oldest is 11 so i am 17 years older than him, so we are equal in the age dif between the kids and him. i liek him a lot we talk every day all day!! lol i just dont even want to start something if it is useless. blah!! anyone in this type of a relationship??
JerseyShortie Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I have a rule about NEVER dating men who are only seperated. That's my personal choice because I think a man should finalize one relationship before starting another. First, have you asked this man when his divorce is finalized? How he views your place in his life? If he wants to be more serious? Point is, you need to talk with him and that is the only way you will find out if you are on the same page. Men that age, with kids, have alot of baggage. Ex-wife, kids..... not for me.
sumdude Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Every person, relationship and divorce is going to be different. That being said.. Don't expect too much in the near future. He's not even divorced yet and is likely going to be pretty gun shy about getting into any long term commitment right now. You might spook him if you start talking Relationship with a capital 'R'. Keep it light for now, given enough time things might work out. I bet he is feeling pretty good about meeting a nice young woman ( I know I would have during my sep and divorce) but he still has a lot of stuff to go through. You have to be prepared to play it a bit cool if you can.
redant Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I would be careful. You are getting involved with someone who is still involved in a divorce. Take it slow. Is he serious? I mean he could bail once you start wanting something serious. Be realistic don't fall too hard too soon because he may have alot of bitterness or just problems you can't see. It may be exciting but don't get carried away. Good luck!
Jersey Shortie Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Every person, relationship and divorce is going to be different. That being said.. Don't expect too much in the near future. He's not even divorced yet and is likely going to be pretty gun shy about getting into any long term commitment right now. You might spook him if you start talking Relationship with a capital 'R'. Keep it light for now, given enough time things might work out. I bet he is feeling pretty good about meeting a nice young woman ( I know I would have during my sep and divorce) but he still has a lot of stuff to go through. You have to be prepared to play it a bit cool if you can. If she spooks him, she spooks. Plenty of men out there without children and not going through divorces. He needs to get his stuff in order before he starts trying to have other relationships. He might be feelign great meeting a young woman who is interested in him, but that doesn't help answer her question or where she stands. Your advice is great for the guy, not so much for her.
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 OP, when he talks about his past relationship with his W and his divorce process (I'm sure he does occasionally), what's his tone? Not the content, but the tone. For some people, the paperwork catching up with the decision can take years. I've seen a few take the better part of a decade. His emotional state IMO is the most important factor. He could have those final papers signed tomorrow and go back to his ex the next day (or the next week or the next year) if he isn't emotionally detached and independent. That's even more important when children are involved. Again, watch the tone. No rush here. Keep it light. Have a good time
Author justme2781 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 i dont know he always says how he thinks about me all of the time, and he says i am his GF .. not the other way around . .i am comitment phobic if anyone is!!! lol at first i was kind of weirded out because he calls his wife his wife! but he started calling her his ex, and she has a new boyfriend. i cant help but think he likes the idea of me than just me. he alswyas so my friedns think i won the lottery. i am a very insecure secure person like i know i am fairly attractive, but i dont get why he would lie me!! lol so i am liek is he just trying to make her jealous?? but i could just be crazy!! i try not to talk about the separation. all i know if that they have to live a part for a year before they can get one and i think its only been about that long. but they slept separately for 3 years before that, but were together for 17 years, they got together when i was 9!!! lol. i just can alreay tell i am going to really fall hard, and he seams like he really likes me a lot, but i just dont know if i beleive it.
Author justme2781 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 i cant help but think he would take her back if her bf dumped her, but he told em no.
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 How long have you been dating? Have you met his kids? I met my ex-H when I was 24 and he was 43. We eventually got married when I was 30 and he was 49. It was a disaster. To me the fact that he's just separated and not divorced is the least of it. The age difference and the fact that he has kids is more problematic for me. I hate to say it but you have many, many obstacles to get through if this is ever to succeed. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have. If I were you, I'd still date others.
Author justme2781 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 weve known eachother fo 3 months dating for almost one. not long!! lol ive met his kids but they dont know we are dating. this is totally uncharted territory for me.
Jersey Shortie Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 i dont know he always says how he thinks about me all of the time, and he says i am his GF .. not the other way around . .i am comitment phobic if anyone is!!! lol at first i was kind of weirded out because he calls his wife his wife! but he started calling her his ex, and she has a new boyfriend. i cant help but think he likes the idea of me than just me. he alswyas so my friedns think i won the lottery. i am a very insecure secure person like i know i am fairly attractive, but i dont get why he would lie me!! lol so i am liek is he just trying to make her jealous?? but i could just be crazy!! i try not to talk about the separation. all i know if that they have to live a part for a year before they can get one and i think its only been about that long. but they slept separately for 3 years before that, but were together for 17 years, they got together when i was 9!!! lol. i just can alreay tell i am going to really fall hard, and he seams like he really likes me a lot, but i just dont know if i beleive it. I have no clue what most of this post is about. Other then you like him, you aren't sure if he is honest then you, and you get a thrill at the idea that you were 9 when he was dating his ex. Again, I repect. Talk to him. If you think you feel more seriously then he does, better to find out now then later. The truth remains, he is coming out of a long marriage, with children. These are not issues to take lightly. He shouldn't even be taking them lightly. TALK TO HIM. TALK ABOUT THE SEPERATION.
Author justme2781 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 i guess i want to talk to someone who has experience as either the guy or me in the situation and tell me how to handle it, or if i am wasting my time. but i guess thanks for your help.
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I was you minus the part about him still being separated. Remember I mentioned I was 24 and he was 43? Pretty close to your ages and age difference. I'm telling you that you have no idea what you're in for. You hardly know him and it looks great now. Just be careful. It's not going to be an easy ride if you DO choose to make a go of it. You say you're looking for advice on how to handle it or whether you should walk away? I gave you my answer but you kind of ignored it. No one can really be in your shoes though. I just said that if I had to do it over again, I would have walked away. But my reasons may not apply to you. I'm not you. Just be warned that you're in for a rough ride. You'll have to deal with the kids more, the ex, all his emotional crap with the divorce and who knows what else. Be prepared for the kids to resent you too. Not saying these things will come to pass but it's more likely than not. And I don't know you and how mature you are and whether you can handle all of it. You have to decide that for yourself.
Author justme2781 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 yeah i am kind of naive when it comes to this stuff, luckily one of my good friends knows what its liek with step kids and stuff. my parents are still toegetr so i have no experience with it! at all!! it just sucks i relaly enjoy being around him but i dont want to be naive and get into a situation i cant handle. i wasnt ignoring your advice, but i guess i just kind of want to hear something elese!! lol i do appreciate it though. we might just have fun for a while who knows. but i just want to know what i might be getting into.
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 yeah i am kind of naive when it comes to this stuff, luckily one of my good friends knows what its liek with step kids and stuff. my parents are still toegetr so i have no experience with it! at all!! it just sucks i relaly enjoy being around him but i dont want to be naive and get into a situation i cant handle. i wasnt ignoring your advice, but i guess i just kind of want to hear something elese!! lol i do appreciate it though. we might just have fun for a while who knows. but i just want to know what i might be getting into. The bolded part is a good attitude to have when it comes to this because I hate to say it but the chances of this working out in the long-term are really slim.
redant Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 You are naive maybe u will need to experience this. Just no that you were warned just keep the advice in the back of your mind! It's so early you just don't know yet, but think about it. He still has a wife and still has a long time tip the divorce is final and it takes a LONG time unless the wife wants nothing. Why get involved in that mess?? Just tryin to help.
Author justme2781 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 i am just having fun now, its just been my experience that even in "fun" relationships one or the other tends to get real feelings and i just dont want that to be me!! but obviosuly i am a bit bull headed.
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 i cant help but think he would take her back if her bf dumped her, but he told em no. Why do you think that?
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Tell me about how your last relationship ended and what happened after. I want to understand why you think a man who's chosen to separate from his W and end his M would choose his "family" over a new relationship. His children should be a priority for him; that's normal. Do you think you're competing with his STBXW? Did your parents ever split up and get back together, or have they remained together throughout their M? Remember, we're trying to help YOU; we don't really care about HIM
Author justme2781 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 its really early i really dont know, but iwas cheated on in my last relationship and its one of the reasons i havent been too into commitment.
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Do you think this guy is going back and forth between you and his STBXW? Do you trust men? Why (or why not)? IMO, it's important to examine these issues in order to move forward with your own life, irrespective of this man. Nothing wrong with enjoying time with someone you like. Do that for a year and see where it goes
Author justme2781 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 yeah i mean all of this is early, but we talk everyday and i just dont want to get hurt. so i want to be as careful as possible, but i dont even know if thats possible, if you dont put your heart out there you ownt get hurt but you wont find love either!!! it stinks!! i dont think he is going in between us, she has a BF. I would just worry if that rel. ends, then tehre may be an issue and ill get hurt. he is still married!! lol but again it is early for all of this talk. but i get attached when i get sexual and it will tomarrow!!! lol. so i am nervous!! lol
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