boxing123 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 If you started this thread asking " I am a single mom, what are my chances for love", I would say it is possible. But after running down a huge list of requirements, it makes me feel you are not that down to earth. You might never find that even if you were not a single mom and looked like Angelina Jolie.. Let me ask.. When you were a single woman, did you want your own child to love? Or did you want to date a man with a baby, that you should just love?
Author LovieDove24 Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 If you started this thread asking " I am a single mom, what are my chances for love", I would say it is possible. But after running down a huge list of requirements, it makes me feel you are not that down to earth. You might never find that even if you were not a single mom and looked like Angelina Jolie.. Let me ask.. When you were a single woman, did you want your own child to love? Or did you want to date a man with a baby, that you should just love? I'm sorry you feel that way but I just know what I want. I want someone kind, open minded (not you obviously), outdoorsy, romantic both physically and verbally and will love my children. There are a few others in there but thats basically it. If you want to call it not down to earth, fine. I call it not settling for less than I deserve.
Stockalone Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 And the problem with wanting a man to love my child is???? That is not a problem, it's the right thing to do for you and your child. However, some men (including me) won't date a single mom. Just be upfront about being a mom. That way, you can easily avoid the men who are not a good match for you.
boxing123 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I call it not settling for less than I deserve. No offense, but why do you DESERVE that? I don't feel anyone DESERVES anything. But of course, I see why it would be wonderful. Have a great man support you and your child. Sure, who would not want that. But your sister feels you are too picky as well, so no sense in asking then arguing.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Lovey Dovey, please ignore the people who have come onto this thread to spew their own agenda. It's not about them. It's about you. What you want, and yes, what you deserve. The right guy will deserve you, too. Anyhoo.....back to the original topic, since that IS why you asked for advice... I don't think your list is outrageous at all. A lot of these are pretty much bottom line expectations. You want to be with someone who complements you, loves you and knows how to show it, loves children, etc. These are GOOD requirements. I would say you were being too picky if you said, he must love tennis, must love mushrooms, must pick up my dirty laundry, must bend to my every whim....but that's not the list you wrote! You wrote about real things. When I was reading it, I was thinking that my guy corresponds to almost all of those that you listed. I don't have kids, but I can guarantee you that he would still be by my side even if I had a child. Of course there will be people who won't want to date you because of the child, but there are people out there who will love and accept your daughter/son. Keep your standards high. Not only are you looking for love, you are looking for a father figure for you daughter. It sounds like you have your head on straight. You WILL find someone. Maybe not next year, maybe not in 5 years. Then again, you might meet him this week! Who knows. Keep the faith, and keep posting. Don't let people hijack your thread.
clv0116 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Of course there will be people who won't want to date you because of the child, but there are people out there who will love and accept your daughter/son. As I said, it's never about the child for me, it's about the attitude of the mother with regard to the child.
Author LovieDove24 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Honestly CV.. a person should have to love the kids she had with another man if he marries her..or at least have the capability of love for those kids. What kind of Mother wouldn't make that a huge priority ? I was a stepfather for many years.. I loved and accepted that child as my own.. that was an acceptable requirement of her mothers to me.. and it was good parenting... Precisely. It is good parenting. My child will not be one who is exposed to several bad men while I try and find the right one. Nuh uh. Thanks to Linda and Cherry as well. Sometimes when I post on here its easy to get lost in my own thoughts and I'm glad that at least some people understood what I was trying to say. Its not that I don't welcome people who don't agree with me, I don't mind a healthy debate at all (constructive things like what Stockalone said are fine with me). But when I feel I'm being attacked solely for being a single mother, well thats just crossin the line.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Constructive criticism is good, and healthy. It's good that you can listen to other opinions. What is not good is when people come on here and attack the OP to advance their own agenda. Bottom line is that while you do have an extra hurdle in dating, you also know that the special guy for you is going to be super special when he loves your child, too. My cousin's wife died and he remarried several years later. His new wife has 3 kids. He never had kids with his first wife, and now he has a whole new family, and a chance at a happy life
7117 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I dont think the list is crazy at all I had a problem with 9 and 10 for some reason a little but whatever people dont agree on everything.Im a 27 year old man and I will say that if you are a good mother and independent those are two great qualities.So far I have dated 2 girls that were single moms and there was no pressure made it easy nobody asked me to be dad but a real man steps up when it's time.You will find him.
Author LovieDove24 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Constructive criticism is good, and healthy. It's good that you can listen to other opinions. What is not good is when people come on here and attack the OP to advance their own agenda. Bottom line is that while you do have an extra hurdle in dating, you also know that the special guy for you is going to be super special when he loves your child, too. My cousin's wife died and he remarried several years later. His new wife has 3 kids. He never had kids with his first wife, and now he has a whole new family, and a chance at a happy life Precisely my thoughts.
Author LovieDove24 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 I dont think the list is crazy at all I had a problem with 9 and 10 for some reason a little but whatever people dont agree on everything.Im a 27 year old man and I will say that if you are a good mother and independent those are two great qualities.So far I have dated 2 girls that were single moms and there was no pressure made it easy nobody asked me to be dad but a real man steps up when it's time.You will find him. I do admit that 10 and 11 are a little off-centered when compared to the rest. I should say that those two are at the bottom of the list for a reason!
sumdude Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I don't think your list is unrealistic. Even more realistic is the fact that you understand it may be a few years before that someone comes into your life. You have an infant to care for and yes that makes it more difficult.. but really that's what you need to focus in right now isn't it? Anything else kinda has to take a back seat.. right?
BobSacamento Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Well quite frankly, it IS all about me. I could most certainly write another thread about what it is I have to offer my partner, but that would have to go under a different thread title. If you want to think I'm self centered, go ahead. But also know that my belief is that the true definition of love is self-sacrifice. I am certainly aware that I need to bring to the table the SAME THINGS (or similar) that I am looking for in a mate. You are not going to have to deal with the man I marry for the rest of my life, are you? And neither is the garbage man, or joe shmoe or my neighbor down the street. When it comes to picking the right person, its good to focus on your personal wants, your needs and your criteria. I don't see anything wrong with what I posted. To answer your question shygirl, yes I will not settle unless he meets I'd sayyyy...90% of the above criteria. And the first two are un-compromisable. Hmmm doesn't sound like you want to sacrifice much if you ask me.
sand26 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Hey loviedove, I think being picky and not settling is awesome, after all if you settle for something that irks, annoys, and pains you... who wins? However I think the problem with "lists" is that they change your perception of people. Without knowing it you are entering most social situations with a point of view and some sort of expectation. It makes your life more difficult because you are judging and comparing people so often. I think you should date men until you feel satisfied emotionally (spiritually connected as you say). There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting for someone who you feel is on the same life path as you and will be a positive companion for you and your child(ren). good luck the mfk
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I've known people with lists. The ones who are now hooked up didn't find guys who were EXACTLY what they wanted, but they fell for them anyway. Usually the guys had the important things. If they wanted kids, so did the guy. If they wanted a man who made them laugh, so did the guy. The things that went out the window were more superficial things. Like one friend likes tall, dark , and handsome. She got short, redheaded, and Irish. And he was so awesome that she totally fell for him Having standards is a good thing!
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Lists work great, as long as you separate wants and needs. Wants are negotiable, needs are non-negotiable, regardless of how trivial they seem to other people. For example, I need respect and courtesy in a relationship. For some people, this won't be a big deal.
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