Poll: Women change after getting married, is this for real?

March 16, 2009

After reading only through a handful of pagers of threads in this forum, I saw some instances of the age-old complaint from men that after getting married, many women basically overnight turn into a different person: sex stops, let themselves go, do not pull their weight in finances, etc., etc., etc., (But none of the chances are usually for the better)

So I'm wondering what part of this is a stereptype, what part - a real problem to consider (and what is the prevalence). I'm doing my best to not become bitter and cynical and paranoid and never marry because of fear of being "played" like this, so I'm starting this thread as a mini poll for guys to share if they had noticed major changes in their partner as soon as the wedding ceremony was over.. (Please limit your comments for instances of major changes *very soon* after the marriage - e.g. within the 1st year or 2 tops. Problems occuring later on are different story... Kids are probably another milestone to consider...

I don't know... I see so much misery here, that I don't understand why I actively come looking for more

March 16, 2009

OP, starting a thread like this doesn't make sense considering that you're not even close to proposing to anyone and have never been married.

Why do you fear women so much? Everyone goes through life getting hurt at least once, by a loved one. Don't you think it's the cowards way to never open yourself up again, solely because of unreasonable fear? Are you honestly that weak?

March 16, 2009

sex stops, let themselves go, do not pull their weight in finances

So says the man sitting on the sofa (again) while watching the footie (again) in soiled and stained shirt, while balancing his dinner (that his wife made) on his big fat beer belly and a can of Tennants Extra balanced on his knee..............all I know it cuts both ways, takes two too contribute to keeping a marriage happy, passionate etc

There seems to be this "blame the women" culture, when indeed both have parts to play, no one is perfect male or female.

March 16, 2009

PEOPLE change after marriage. "The only thing constant in life is change", ever heard about that?

There are no guarantees in marriage, but you can help your chances by choosing your partner carefully, which means thorougly getting to know the person you want to make your wife/husband before taking the plunge.

The rest is really just crap shoot. Welcome to life.

March 16, 2009

So says the man ....

A lot of guys are less than Adonis like before marriage as well though. With women it seems disproportionately likely that she will work hard to stay fit while single (because men are so visual) and then relax that once she's snagged her guy.

It's likely men let other things go like attentiveness or ... whatever it is women like, but it's not really something that maps straight across.

March 16, 2009

if you REALLY want an idea of what your mate is like, schedule a one- or two-week vacation with that person. You'll find out if (s)he snorts, poots, hogs the commode, leaves the toilet seat up, watches TV in bed, is a messy eater, is consumed by electronic games or internet, etc. It won't tell you everything, but that kind of time together definitely reveals someone's personality.

however, making yourself anxious at the thought of your partner changing after you've chosen them for good is a bit silly – life is not static, nor are relationships. That things change is a given, what can be controlled is your response to those changes.

as for it merely being "women" who turn for the worse ... let's just say you've got some serious blinders on, son. I've been married for nearly 17 years, and it's been my husband's habits that have fallen by the wayside. He refuses to bathe regularly, saying that "all" he's done is sit outside and smoked and played with the dog or did something inside his Airstream, but fails to see that he's still stinky and needs a bath. And sex? I'm not the problem with the waning libido nor am I the one who refuses to address the issue. We won't even get into religion or politics or the economy, which have become a time-bomb kind of conversation when it never was before.

those women who are trying to help put food on the table and keep a roof over her family's head AND are expected to be the primary homemaker and caregiver when it comes to family? They're doing twice the job and still expected to put out just to keep their man happy ... well, yeah, I can see how romance and sex gets put WAY on the back burner because she's overloaded. Unfortunately, not all men understand this, just like not all women understand that stress can kill a man's libido in a heartbeat.

your main concern is to find a partner you can weather these challenges with, not automatically expect to walk into a life of crap just because you said "I do." You're selling yourself (and your partner) short when you do that.

March 16, 2009

A lot of guys are less than Adonis like before marriage as well though. With women it seems disproportionately likely that she will work hard to stay fit while single (because men are so visual) and then relax that once she's snagged her guy.

It's likely men let other things go like attentiveness or ... whatever it is women like, but it's not really something that maps straight across.

I am in no way promoting an unhealthy lifestyle but before you go assuming that women automatically pull a bait and switch after marriage, you should take a minute to consider the circumstances.

First of all, weight gain after marriage is not automatically attributed to laziness or watching Oprah and eating bon bons all day. It is often attributed to change in life circumstances. When you're single and childless, you have a hell of a lot going for you, you don't have an excuse not to stay in shape. You have the time, the resources, the energy and the metabolism all on your side.

People slack off on fitness after marriage because they usually have a lot more on their plate to deal with. Finding 30 minutes to go to the gym is not nearly easy with 3 toddlers and a full time job. Not to mention that is when your body starts to play tricks on you too. You now gain the weight faster and have a harder time losing it because your metabolism is slowing down with age. This happens to BOTH MEN AND WOMEN so it's not something that should be pushed on one gender alone. Overweight couples usually go together.

There are naturally fitness minded people and there are people who just don't care much. A fitness minded woman may be a size 4 pre-marriage and will may be go up to a size 8 or 10 after marriage and again, that is almost always attributed to increased life stress, GETTING OLDER, having children and running a household, even then she will still find time to do a bit of exercise videos sit ups when she can because that is just who she is. Also, the weight gain will happen over a period of many years not 2 years after the wedding.

I have yet to see a woman who pulled a fitness bait and switch without giving off signs of her flakiness from the very beginning. Signs the man should have paid attention to if he had his eyes opened. Doing all the work to stay fit and trim is not something you can fake for 3 years of courtship. No way!!. it's just not that easy to pull off.

The women you are referring to, are women who were naturally slim without working for it, in their younger years. But then get heavier in their older years because that is just what age does to you. That is not someone who pulled a bait and switch after marriage, that is someone who had always been lax about fitness. And if a man was paying enough attention, he would have known that from the moment he met her.

I know plenty of women like that.

March 16, 2009

After reading only through a handful of pagers of threads in this forum, I saw some instances of the age-old complaint from men that after getting married, many women basically overnight turn into a different person: sex stops, let themselves go, do not pull their weight in finances, etc., etc., etc., (But none of the chances are usually for the better)

So I'm wondering what part of this is a stereptype, what part - a real problem to consider (and what is the prevalence). I'm doing my best to not become bitter and cynical and paranoid and never marry because of fear of being "played" like this, so I'm starting this thread as a mini poll for guys to share if they had noticed major changes in their partner as soon as the wedding ceremony was over.. (Please limit your comments for instances of major changes *very soon* after the marriage - e.g. within the 1st year or 2 tops. Problems occuring later on are different story... Kids are probably another milestone to consider...
I don't know... I see so much misery here, that I don't understand why I actively come looking for more

I agree that most women will change after marriage, especially after giving birth...sex stops.. they sometimes let themselves go.. but this is mainly due to the husband not pulling their weight around the house and with children, etc... men also let themselves go... plus I rarely see women not pulling their weight as far as finances go.. they do their fair share...

So, sometimes I wonder.. who's to blame the W or the H?..

March 16, 2009

A woman's sex drive seems to be largely situational, while a man's seems largely biological.

March 16, 2009

A woman's sex drive seems to be largely situational, while a man's seems largely biological.

Men are able to have sex anywhere at anytime regardless of day to day stresses and strains, Women are not built that way and stresses and strains mean sex is less enjoyable for us, trouble is as in most cause men expect us to always bend to their ways rather than meeting in the middle.

March 16, 2009

OP, starting a thread like this doesn't make sense considering that you're not even close to proposing to anyone and have never been married.

Why do you fear women so much? Everyone goes through life getting hurt at least once, by a loved one. Don't you think it's the cowards way to never open yourself up again, solely because of unreasonable fear? Are you honestly that weak?

That's a good point, but I actually have no fear of being hurt emotionally - I know that I'll be able to deal with it. What I do fear however is seriously destroying my quality of life with the wrong person - one that would make my life miserable while married, or take a bite of my net worth upon divorce. Not to mentio kids etc... So actually fear of emotional meltdown is at the bottom of the list. I want ro get married, yet all I see is horror stories...

March 16, 2009

PEOPLE change after marriage. "The only thing constant in life is change", ever heard about that?

There are no guarantees in marriage, but you can help your chances by choosing your partner carefully, which means thorougly getting to know the person you want to make your wife/husband before taking the plunge.

The rest is really just crap shoot. Welcome to life.

True, but what amount of evidence that you've made the right choice is enough? It is not obvious, but I'm actually try to fight, rather than reinforce my paranoia.

March 16, 2009

your main concern is to find a partner you can weather these challenges with, not automatically expect to walk into a life of crap just because you said "I do." You're selling yourself (and your partner) short when you do that.

This made me laugh - I realised that I fully expect to walk into a life of crap once I say "I do".

Good idea on the vacation.

March 16, 2009

That's a good point, but I actually have no fear of being hurt emotionally - I know that I'll be able to deal with it. What I do fear however is seriously destroying my quality of life with the wrong person - one that would make my life miserable while married, or take a bite of my net worth upon divorce. Not to mentio kids etc... So actually fear of emotional meltdown is at the bottom of the list. I want ro get married, yet all I see is horror stories...

That's because all you're looking for are horror stories. LS is no place to be looking for strong marriages. This is a site full of broken marriages, albeit the odd one here and there are successful, as defined by the couples involved.

Marriage isn't for everyone. I strongly, strongly discourage anyone from even considering it, if they're not 100% certain that this is what they want to do.

Get a prenup, don't have kids and keep your assets separate. If your entire concern is about getting screwed in a marriage, it's all about you, isn't it? People who can't trust anyone else are in essence saying they don't trust in themselves to properly gauge their partners. Got no confidence, Spade?

March 16, 2009

That's a good point, but I actually have no fear of being hurt emotionally - I know that I'll be able to deal with it. What I do fear however is seriously destroying my quality of life with the wrong person - one that would make my life miserable while married, or take a bite of my net worth upon divorce. Not to mentio kids etc... So actually fear of emotional meltdown is at the bottom of the list. I want ro get married, yet all I see is horror stories...

No risk, no gain. Not everyone wants to take a chance. So don't. There's no law that says you HAVE to get married you know?

Also, men change too.

We changed together...in positive ways. I mean, sure physically we're not as young looking but we still look pretty good for our ages. I still find my H to be very sexy and I'm pretty sure he thinks the same of me.

We hardly ever disagree on anything anymore since we've ironed out things along the way and have learned what makes us tick.

If you really think getting married will destroy your quality of life, then just don't get married. It's not for everyone and some people really shouldn't. You might be one of those people.

March 16, 2009

The women you are referring to, are women who were naturally slim without working for it, in their younger years. But then get heavier in their older years because that is just what age does to you. That is not someone who pulled a bait and switch after marriage, that is someone who had always been lax about fitness. And if a man was paying enough attention, he would have known that from the moment he met her.

I know plenty of women like that.

My current girlfriend is at the border between being extremely hot with some great curves on her tiny frame and the weight range where she'll actually be a bit overweight. She works out regularly, but I'm not convinced she's really comitted to staying in shape (she keeps asking loaded questions such as what I'd do if she gained weight; to which I reply that I'll shepherd her to the gym)).

March 16, 2009

People who can't trust anyone else are in essence saying they don't trust in themselves to properly gauge their partners. Got no confidence, Spade?

Yes, I don't trust myself to properly assess my partner. At the same time, I've got plenty of qualities to warrant marriage interest, so I could see the incentive to misrepresent some goals before marriage. I am talking about things such as number of kids, both parents working even after kids etc. No matter how much I dusciss this before marriage, it'll be pretty fcked up situatioin if she decides she doesn't want to go back to work after all... etc. (I make enough money to support a family, but there is a huge difference between living a comfortable life and being financially secure)

March 16, 2009

Yes, I don't trust myself to properly assess my partner. At the same time, I've got plenty of qualities to warrant marriage interest, so I could see the incentive to misrepresent some goals before marriage. I am talking about things such as number of kids, both parents working even after kids etc. No matter how much I dusciss this before marriage, it'll be pretty fcked up situatioin if she decides she doesn't want to go back to work after all... etc. (I make enough money to support a family, but there is a huge difference between living a comfortable life and being financially secure)

In not trusting yourself, you need to control your partner. Do you feel this is a healthy relationship?

March 16, 2009

My current girlfriend is at the border between being extremely hot with some great curves on her tiny frame and the weight range where she'll actually be a bit overweight. She works out regularly, but I'm not convinced she's really comitted to staying in shape ...

This is part of the reason I prefer borderline on skinny girls, particularly if mom and sisters are skinny too. It's pretty easy to put on weight, so I want the odds in her favor from the get go.

It's a hard rule to enforce.

One of the women I'm seeing is slim but not really skinny, and I really like her personality and outlook on life. If she got fat I'd be pretty likely to just suck it up, she's that sweet. So ya, I know what you're saying and for the OP, it's something most guys worry about.

March 16, 2009

At the same time, I've got plenty of qualities to warrant marriage interest, so I could see the incentive to misrepresent some goals before marriage.

What does that mean? Does it mean that you're such a catch that women would lie and mis-represent who they are just to be with you? Or did I misunderstand?

I am talking about things such as number of kids, both parents working even after kids etc. No matter how much I dusciss this before marriage, it'll be pretty fcked up situatioin if she decides she doesn't want to go back to work after all... etc. (I make enough money to support a family, but there is a huge difference between living a comfortable life and being financially secure)

Why can't you have both? Who says you can't? And let me say that what you consider a "comfortable life" might very well change after you get married...if you get married.

March 17, 2009

Why can't you have both? Who says you can't? And let me say that what you consider a "comfortable life" might very well change after you get married...if you get married.

Yes, I am a catch and that's not all good, precisely because girls sometimes will tell me what they think I want to hear.

As for "why can't you have both"? - well, you can't, at least not in the US. Unless you make above 100k - which I won't for another 5-10 years later - you simply cannot afford a woman who does not work. Even if her income is just 30-40k, that would make a huge difference. (I'm not asking for an accomplished professional. Jus for someone willing and able to find and hold a job. Not so common where I live, in good christian country:laugh:)

March 17, 2009

In not trusting yourself, you need to control your partner. Do you feel this is a healthy relationship?

I don't need to control anybody. I will have their best interest in mind. But I am not convinced that's reciprocated too often. I'd marry a girl for who she is as a personality. The problem is that many girls will marry for a whole lot of reasons that have nothing to do with love, and that's the true source of my paranoia.

March 17, 2009

Yes, I am a catch and that's not all good, precisely because girls sometimes will tell me what they think I want to hear.

My husband was (is) a catch too and I didn't lie to him. Not all. I guess my point is is that women will lie or they won't. It doesn't matter if you're a catch or not. They're either of good basic character or not.

You're no more at risk for "hooking up" with a dishonest woman than anyone else in my opinion. Unsuccessful, unattractive, dumb men get taken advantage of in all sorts of ways also. As do women who are considered "catches" and those who aren't.

As for "why can't you have both"? - well, you can't, at least not in the US. Unless you make above 100k - which I won't for another 5-10 years later - you simply cannot afford a woman who does not work. Even if her income is just 30-40k, that would make a huge difference. (I'm not asking for an accomplished professional. Jus for someone willing and able to find and hold a job. Not so common where I live, in good christian country:laugh:)

I don't think that's true. Too many variables there though...area of the country you live in, living standards, etc.

You can live like a king with under $100,000 in certain parts of the country. And you can live like a pauper on half a million...so much depends on how you handle your money also.

I no longer have an income as I work for my H now but we're living better than when I was bringing in a paycheck. It doesn't hurt that we live under our means now and have invested wisely.

We took a risk. We gave up a safe bet of two steady incomes. The risk paid off for us in the end.

Everything isn't always so black and white.

March 17, 2009

I don't know... I see so much misery here, that I don't understand why I actively come looking for more

You can't stop people from changing. You either grow together or grow apart.

However, if the sex stops... It's best to just walk away. I got served every BS excuse on the planet, and I worked so hard to fix things that I just burned out.

My advice... just keep bravely plodding along. Don't worry about her changing... but if she does... give it a short time to fix... and then bail if it doesn't.

Don't blame the wives who refuse sex. Blame the poor excuses for men that just live with it.

March 17, 2009

I don't need to control anybody. I will have their best interest in mind. But I am not convinced that's reciprocated too often. I'd marry a girl for who she is as a personality. The problem is that many girls will marry for a whole lot of reasons that have nothing to do with love, and that's the true source of my paranoia.

Okay, now here it goes, blaming women who lie. How about you take responsibility for your portion, like your people picker? What's made you so distrustful of women? Was it one previous relationship where you got hurt? Was it the way you were raised?

You want a woman you can lead by the nose "for her own good". Consider the doormat personality type. As a doormat, she's probably not going to want to do much with her life, including work for a living. A doormat has no personal pride or independence. So...where are you going to find a woman who's willing to be a doormat, then be strong enough to pull her weight?

Good luck finding her. Either that or it's true, you're going to find someone who's going to lie to you.

The flip side to this is that you're terribly concerned about fiscal security. But then you claim you're a prize. How can you be such a big prize if you're unable to make sufficient monies to make it worth the while of someone to lie to you? Also, this is nothing that a prenup can't cure.

Your arguments are like a leaky boat.

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Poll: Women change after getting married, is this for real?

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