LonelyTiger Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Can't believe the conversation I've just had with my husband!!! Anybody who read my previous post will know the story - been together 15yrs, married for 10 - things got difficult and we agreed he should work abroad for a while to give us both some space - hoping it would save our lifelong (35yr!) friendship, if not our marriage. The separation has hit me really hard - can't believe I let him go to the other side of the world and I HATE being without him. Yes, we had our problems, but he was (is) still my best friend. He came home for a week at Christmas and we had a wonderful time - just like the old days - I didn't want him to leave. He has a work contract (3500 miles away from me) until June 2010. He has the option to extend it until 2011 and financially it would make things a lot easier if he stayed out there. But, as I said in my last post, the loneliness is killing me, and when I spoke to him today I said I didn't want him to stay out there - that we'd manage financially somehow and I really needed him to come home. I think we need more times like we had at Christmas to fully repair our marriage and I think being apart for 3 years is likely to damage it in the long run. And he said .............. I want to stay out here an extra year - I like my job, I've got a good lifestyle and .............. I think I need to be away from you for a while!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A while being 3 years in total - presumably?!!!!!!!!!! I'm lost for words - he says he still loves me, and he still wants to be with me, but he needs to be away from me sometimes - SOMETIMES???). We've been planning all our, very limited, time together up until Summer 2010 so he obviously still wants to be in the relationship - but I now feel like a convenient 'part time' holiday lover - or something along those lines. He's never been the best communicator, whereas I like to say everything I'm feeling and I got so upset on the phone he kept saying - lets talk about it in April when I'm home - he says I've misunderstood him. Is it possible to misunderstand what he said? He's not the type of guy to shed tears (I've never seen him cry in all the time I've known him) and most things don't phase him at all. He says it's just his personality and it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or want to be with me - he just needs time 'to be himself again'! If he can't 'be himself' with me then I guess I'm just wasting my time waiting for him. Sorry this is such a long one - I just needed to get this out of my head and 'on paper' (so to speak). Would love to know what you guys think of this. I'm in pieces - don't know where else to turn. Even my best friend doesn't understand.
Els Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I'm very sorry I don't have any advice to give yet, only hugs and well wishes. I am, however, very curious about one thing that I don't understand. How on earth did you both reach the decision that him taking a 3-year unbreakable contract on the other side of the world would save your marriage? I understand needing space and needing time to oneself, but don't people usually do that by taking a month-long holiday away from home, or maybe living separately but within travelling distance for a while until 'space' is achieved, not setting an unchangeable time-frame of years for that purpose?
Author LonelyTiger Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 It's a two year contract - and I don't think it's unbreakable - he could get out of it if he really wanted to. It seems he just doesn't want to (he wants to stay an extra year!) - and now we can't afford for him to leave. In current financial climate he won't be able to get a job back in the UK very easily and we NEED the money. I didn't want him to go to the other side of the world - his idea - he's likes working abroad. I wanted one of us to move out for a while - preferably round the corner (as you say) but he didn't want to go - and he didn't want me to leave (actually pleaded with me not to at one point). He hated his job and going abroad seemed the only way we could manage financially and live apart. I knew it was a mistake (for me) as soon as he got the job - by then it was too late. I just feel like he wants to live a nice easy life - while I stay at home and take care of all the responsibilities he left behind - and he can take time out on holidays to 'have fun' with me. Meanwhile, I'm living alone and 'coping' by myself. He just wants to have his cake and eat it!
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I'm afraid you kind of made your own bed here, but now you aren't so keen on lying in it! It's obvious he is really liking this new lifestyle. I think you will have to get used to the idea of it staying like this, or ending for good. I agree with the other poster above, what made you think that such a long-distance separation would help your marriage and friendship?
Author LonelyTiger Posted March 31, 2009 Author Posted March 31, 2009 Thanks for your reply m-t. It's two weeks since my post and things have moved on. I was having a bad time (as I do sometimes), we'd had a difficult conversation and I had misunderstood him (as I do sometimes). Like I said, he's not the world's greatest communicator. We made our bed together - after some long and very painful discussions - all decisions in a marriage are joint ones - or should be. I thought I'd got the rough end of the deal for all sorts of reasons but that isn't really the case. From a more rational position I have to agree with him. It may seem an odd decision to other people but we've been very close since childhood and we will ALWAYS be close - no matter what. We are best friends. He's the love of my life and I'm his. We got into a destructive cycle and we needed to be apart for a while - we did LD for nearly a year before we got married, and it made us closer. We've now been apart again for 7 months (except for a month at Christmas which was wonderful and almost like going back to the beginning of our relationship) and now we're closer than we've been in years. He's right - we need to be physically apart right now - but we're still very much together. This solution wouldn't work for most people but it works for us - this time last year we were physically close and emotionally on different planets! Now we're telling each other jokes on skype and making holiday plans for 2010. He's home in 9 days for a whole week and we're both really excited. You know you've got something very special when you've been together nearly 14 years, gone through relationship hell and back, and you still can't wait to be in each others arms again! Going long distance was the right decision for us at this time - it has definitely saved our marriage, which is exactly what we hoped. I'll probably still have days when I misunderstand him and want another rant like I did two weeks ago but that's just me.
Spirit of the Ocean Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Lonely Tiger, I'm glad things have sorted our for you since your first post. As you said, your decision to do long distance may see an unusual one for other ppl, but looks like it's worked out well for you guys. Like they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder! I'm excited for you two about seeing each other soon, it'll be wonderful being together again. You sound like you have a really beautiful relationship, and I hope things work out exactly the way you want it to soon!
sunny20 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Was he in agreement about needing space too? I didn't read your last post...maybe it hurt his feelings when you guys decided you needed a break and he is coming to terms with that. I really wish the best for you..I hope it works out but long-distance is REALLY hard to do....even when you have as strong of a relationship as it sounds like you two do. I hope you can come out the other side of this stronger than ever...until then just try and stay optimistic.
Island Girl Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I am so happy to read the update. I misunderstand my husband too. It has to do with the distance but where my head is going into the conversation can make a huge difference. I am glad you are feeling better about things. And if you have bad days - just rant. It's the best thing you can do to get those ghastly thoughts OUT of your head. CHEERS!!
Author LonelyTiger Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks for your thoughts sunny20. We are fine and we will be fine. Everything we've done we've agreed together, I just have 'hormonal' moments when I become irrational about things and I worry that we'll lose each other. He always reassures me that he loves me and he wants us to grow old together - and I know he means it. He's always been my rock and he still is - even from a distance. We've done long distance before and it made us stronger. It's already doing the same this time. He's much happier in his new job, we're financially better off and I'm getting used to coping without him - it's all good really. 2011 isn't that far off and, unlike some poor souls on this site, at least we can get together every few months so, whilst I'm not exactly 'thrilled' with the situation, I've come to terms with it. We talk every day and we make plans for the times when we'll be together. And he's home a week tomorrow..... I'm soooo excited .... :bunny:
Author LonelyTiger Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Oh, I have no doubt the rants will come again, Island Girl. Long distance is so hard because phone conversations (even with webcam) are so different from face to face - and misunderstandings do happen. Your story is an inspiration to me - you are such a strong person. It's lovely to have found this site and to know that there are so many people here with comforting words of support and helpful advice when you need it. I imagine I'll be sticking around for the duration of my LDR and hope I can offer some support to others in return.
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