Had Affair trying to save my Marriage

[Lizzie60]

Well, if you were her husband... would you believe even one word comming out of her mouth.

 

If she just showed it to him directly it wouldn't have the same effect. He would consider it to be yet another trick on her part... this time to just keep her around. I think it is quite likely that he still monitors her computer activity and I guess this is what she is hoping for... she wants him to find it on his own. She wants him to discover on his own how regretfull she is... that she would chose him over her "big dick" OM... you know what I am talking about.

 

Yes.. you could be right.. I didn't think of it this way.. Once a cheater.. always a cheater.

[LakesideDream]

This whole thread is horrific. I am beginning to wonder if it isn't/wasn't a hoax. I hope it is. I hope there is no man out there suffering the way the OP's husband must be.

 

The thought has haunted me for the hours since it was originally posted. I can't imagine what that poor man has been going through since his discovery.

 

My hopes thoughts and prayers are for the OP's husband. As far as I'm concerned the OP can begin rotting in hell asap.

[tami-chan]

65tr6 thanks for keeping it positive!

 

I will add one thing.

 

Do not become a doormat that does anything and everything your BS says, just to prove you are sorry. No one respects or wants to work things out with a sheep.

 

Time is your friend use it to talk and talk and talk some more.

 

I agree. I really do not understand why some people think they have to step all over the WS(even the ones who are remorseful!)---like there must be payback for the disrespect and humiliation that the BS experienced...what good does that do, really?

 

Begging is demeaning and diminishes your value as a human being....you must however, be humble....

[Untouchable_Fire]

One of my girlfriends had an affair with a guy and we were talking about it. She said the sex was incredible and we use to discuss this among many things. The guy she was having the affair with was a guy that my husband had known since they were kids. I was lonely and this same guy started coming on to me. I liked the attention and before I knew it we started the affair.

 

This has to be a fake post! You made all this up just to get a rise out of people.

 

It's impossible that someone could be this stupid or write this dispassionate at the same time.

[Reggie]

Alright, Lizzie. What is up with the flowers? Where are the stillettos and assorted undergarments? Hopefully, this is not a trend.

[tami-chan]

Alright, Lizzie. What is up with the flowers? Where are the stillettos and assorted undergarments? Hopefully, this is not a trend.

 

LOL...Oh Reg....!

[Lizzie60]

This is from the 'If you were a flower' thread.. this is one sexxxy flower..

[Untouchable_Fire]

I agree. I really do not understand why some people think they have to step all over the WS(even the ones who are remorseful!)---like there must be payback for the disrespect and humiliation that the BS experienced...what good does that do, really?

Begging is demeaning and diminishes your value as a human being....you must however, be humble....

 

I just came back and read this. I have to say I don't really agree with this.

 

IF the BS was very controlling and/or abusive... that is when this advice should not apply.

 

In other instances... a WS is required not just to rebuild the relationship they broke, but to pay for most of the building materials as well. Depending on the state of the marriage at the outset.

 

The point is that each situation is slightly different, and there are instances where the WS should be a doormat.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This is from the 'If you were a flower' thread.. this is one sexxxy flower..

 

I think it looks like purple buttcheeks and a terrible hemorrhoid.

[Lizzie60]

I think it looks like purple buttcheeks and a terrible hemorrhoid.

 

 

.............. yes it actually does.. I'll change it right away..

[Untouchable_Fire]

.............. yes it actually does.. I'll change it right away..

 

Very Nice! That is more how I imagine you.

 

All the French Canadian Foot Fetish guys are going to love that pic!

[Bryanp]

You are a real piece of work. Not only do you have an affair behind your husband's back while he was working and putting his health at risk for STD's; but you engaged in sex with your lover in your home and in your marital bed. You showed unbelievable distain, disrespect and humiliation for your husband. You did not even have the decency to keep your home out of bounds. Why in the world would any husband wish to stay in a marriage with somebody who would do that to them?

 

If the roles were reversed and your husband was having sex in your home and in your bed while you were working what would your response be? You have symbolically defecated on your husband by having sex with your lover in your shared bed. Your husband must be sick to his stomach seeing you in that video in his home and bed and realizing how he was sleeping in the same bed with you. How can you not comprehend the meaning of what you have done? Let him go so he can find someone who can actually love and respect him. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions speak volumes about your distain, selfishness and cruel behavior you engaged in toward your husband.

[whichwayisup]

What I don't understand is, how you could deny it even after VIDEO EVIDENCE! Being busted outright like that, atleast have the balls to come clean and ADMIT IT ALL to your husband.

 

Honestly, I usually help others to try to save their marriages, give it their best and do marriage counseling. Sadly in your situation, I'm going to tell you the best thing you can do for your husband is to leave and get divorced. Custody can be arranged at some point, but if you were smart, I'd leave the house and let him have the kids. Your poor four kids....It's just a shame you didn't think of them while you were having sex with the OM in your marital bed.

 

Please tell me your children were NOT home while you were doing this.

[Lizzie60]

What I don't understand is, how you could deny it even after VIDEO EVIDENCE! Being busted outright like that, atleast have the balls to come clean and ADMIT IT ALL to your husband.

 

Honestly, I usually help others to try to save their marriages, give it their best and do marriage counseling. Sadly in your situation, I'm going to tell you the best thing you can do for your husband is to leave and get divorced. Custody can be arranged at some point, but if you were smart, I'd leave the house and let him have the kids. Your poor four kids....It's just a shame you didn't think of them while you were having sex with the OM in your marital bed.

 

Please tell me your children were NOT home while you were doing this.

 

I think she denied it when he confronted her.. but before he showed her the video.. (that's what I understood)

[whichwayisup]

Well my husband is into technology so he started watching my email and he taped my phone calls. After he found out about the affair he got video proof in our bedroom of the affair with the other man. He eventually confronted me and I lied about it. I denied everything and told him he was crazy because I did not want to lose him. He showed me the proof and I got angry with him.

 

She isn't sorry at all. She's pissed because she got caught. She's pissed because chances are, he IS going to divorce her and she'll have to work for a living instead of living a great life, screwing the OM and spending her husband's well earned money.

 

I think she denied it when he confronted her.. but before he showed her the video.. (that's what I understood)

 

My mistake. But instead of admitting, showing remorse and regret, she got ANGRY at him. WTF.

[lkjh]

This is over. There is no reason for your H to stay with you. If he did stay with you, he will be miserable for the rest of his life. By the way, you have some low class friend. Who sits around and brags about their affairs?

[tami-chan]

 

In other instances... a WS is required not just to rebuild the relationship they broke, but to pay for most of the building materials as well. Depending on the state of the marriage at the outset.

 

The point is that each situation is slightly different, and there are instances where the WS should be a doormat.

 

Says who?

 

Treating someone like a doormat is a form of abuse. There is no good reason to treat anyone that bad. The WS can feel like a doormat, but that would be on her/him, as long as the BS did not cause it. Of course there are reasonable things that need to be done to heal from a betrayal but being treated like a doormat, is not one of them.

 

What does humiliating a WS accomplish?

[signedin2008]

I just came back and read this. I have to say I don't really agree with this.

 

You're not alone. No one with logic, maturity and morals agrees with her.

[tami-chan]

You're not alone. No one with logic, maturity and morals agrees with her.

 

hmmm...stalker alert! lol

[jwi71]

Treating someone like a doormat is a form of abuse.

 

How so? To me, one must ACCEPT the role of doormat in order to be one - since by definition resisting makes one...um..."not a doormat".

 

...The WS can feel like a doormat, but that would be on her/him, as long as the BS did not cause it.

Huh? I cannot reconcile this quote and the first one as they are seemingly contradictory. Do explain.

 

Of course there are reasonable things that need to be done to heal from a betrayal but being treated like a doormat, is not one of them.

And who decides what is reasonable? What if being a doormat is deemed reasonable by the BS? Is that then acceptable?

 

What does humiliating a WS accomplish?

If you are referring to being a doormat as humiliating...then your question is a non sequitur as the act of being a doormat is chosen by the doormat.

 

If you are making a general statement...then I agree in general. Though we could both conjure realistic scenarios where public humiliation does good.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I read the first post and dont think any man in his right mind would come back to a marriage with a cheating wife like this. Her friend is married and has affairs with another man and hooks her up with the same OM to sleep with!!!??

 

Right there is mistake 1 number 2 is blaiming you for her cheating! number 3 is in your house!!!

 

This chick should just not even ask for reconciliation, just give him space and time. The ball is in his court but i know if I was him I would be pissed beyond imagination, and If I was alone in new york would be setting up my new life away from her. that's for sure.

[pelicanpreacher]

The thing that I find remarkable is that the OP hasn't fathomed the thought that her husband, in recording her phone calls, chat logs, and video tapes, may have only revealed the iceberg tip of what he's accumulated in evidence when he confronted OP. In all of the "pillow talks" the OP shared with OM I'm sure she made comparisons between him and her husband that didn't cast him in a very flattering light. I can only imagine her OM gloating and chortling with glee over some of the snide and disparaging remarks issued from her lips time and time again as she derisively picked apart every perceived deficiency and inadequecy her husband built embodied to defend her sense of entitlement to continue pursuing the affair. Least of all was probably the utter dissapointment she expressed in her husband's sexual prowess when cuddling in her lover's embrace and lover's orgasmic afterglow or the loathing contempt she routinely exhibited at the thought of her husband's return home. Their biggest laugh probably came at the thought that while her husband was forced to miserably break his back working lonely long hours at the grindstone far away from home they were free to enjoy their coitus uninterrupted whenever they wanted on the very bed he must return to in search of rest, comfort, and love!

 

The OP states that her sex life with her husband was great which belies the fact that the spiritual and emotional distance growning between them became so palpable he felt compelled to give voice to that particular concern before he even began investigating her activities. Throughout this affair how many times did the OP reject her husband's overtures of intimacy? How many times did she make excuses or take action to avoid through spoken and unspoken attitude a clear message of NO to diminish her husband's ardor to the point that he voluntarily retracted his efforts to even seek opportunity for intimacy? It is my bet that she purposely made herself unavailable and left him with the feeling that his love and attention was unwelcome from the start of this affair until D-Day which means their sex life was at best a mechanical endeavor and, at worst, a rumor!

[Chrome Barracuda]

The thing that I find remarkable is that the OP hasn't fathomed the thought that her husband, in recording her phone calls, chat logs, and video tapes, may have only revealed the iceberg tip of what he's accumulated in evidence when he confronted OP. In all of the "pillow talks" the OP shared with OM I'm sure she made comparisons between him and her husband that didn't cast him in a very flattering light. I can only imagine her OM gloating and chortling with glee over some of the snide and disparaging remarks issued from her lips time and time again as she derisively picked apart every perceived deficiency and inadequecy her husband built embodied to defend her sense of entitlement to continue pursuing the affair. Least of all was probably the utter dissapointment she expressed in her husband's sexual prowess when cuddling in her lover's embrace and lover's orgasmic afterglow or the loathing contempt she routinely exhibited at the thought of her husband's return home. Their biggest laugh probably came at the thought that while her husband was forced to miserably break his back working lonely long hours at the grindstone far away from home they were free to enjoy their coitus uninterrupted whenever they wanted on the very bed he must return to in search of rest, comfort, and love!

 

The OP states that her sex life with her husband was great which belies the fact that the spiritual and emotional distance growning between them became so palpable he felt compelled to give voice to that particular concern before he even began investigating her activities. Throughout this affair how many times did the OP reject her husband's overtures of intimacy? How many times did she make excuses or take action to avoid through spoken and unspoken attitude a clear message of NO to diminish her husband's ardor to the point that he voluntarily retracted his efforts to even seek opportunity for intimacy? It is my bet that she purposely made herself unavailable and left him with the feeling that his love and attention was unwelcome from the start of this affair until D-Day which means their sex life was at best a mechanical endeavor and, at worst, a rumor!

 

...And he has it all on F-ing tape...

 

Kind of hard to deny that to anyone that sees it. she has no recourse now.It's a wrap. Like I said I wouldnt be surprised if he hasnt brought a place out in the east coast and started moving on for good.

 

No one wants to live in a house, in a bed that OM boffed his wife on!!! did she even throw away the bed, cut the toxic friend off, recommit to her marriage, set up MC, or IC? Started going NC with the OM, exposing her affair to everyone and started doing the right thing? No...?

 

Then that's it, because actions speak louder than words!

[Untouchable_Fire]

[/b]

Says who?

Treating someone like a doormat is a form of abuse. There is no good reason to treat anyone that bad. The WS can feel like a doormat, but that would be on her/him, as long as the BS did not cause it. Of course there are reasonable things that need to be done to heal from a betrayal but being treated like a doormat, is not one of them.

What does humiliating a WS accomplish?

 

You realize that a BS doesn't become a different person once they find out. Mr. Normal guy does not suddenly become the Marquis DeSade.

 

I'm not sure what kind of weird scenario you have going on in your head, but the fact is that sometimes this is necessary.

 

When you cheat on someone you take away their power as a person in a very big way. It's your obligation to restore that. I put a lot of effort into fixing things, and in fact I did a fantastic job. It wasn't humiliating either... more like humbling.

[lostsunsets]

I wonder how she will like life working at walmart. He will have child support payments. But only as long as the kids are with the cheating skank. And maybe he can get joint custody. Especially if he threatens to share his video collection with the family (threat only) He may be able to get full custody which will allow the tramp to go and jump as many guys as she wants between shifts at the Dairy Queen.