Should I marry my boyfriend of 3 years if we are sexually incompatible?

[sChrisJay]

I've been living together with with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Over the years I've come to realize that we are almost compatible in every way except inside the bedroom.

 

We have never had a serious argument and we always enjoy each others company. I want to marry this person because I know our hopes and dreams for the future are the same, but I'm concerned about our lack of chemistry in the bedroom.

 

In the beginning of the relationship I began to realize that I would end up feeling unsatisfied after having sex. Because he was such an over-all good person I would brush my frustrations aside. After 3 years, I've grown to love this person very deeply, but my sexual frustrations have also increased.

 

We have both communicated to each other our sexual turn-ons and desires, and have attempted to try something new to spice things up. I had hope this would've worked but I am still not sexually satisfied.

 

The real problem is that he is not as passionate about sex as I am. There's no creativity and he lacks the skill of sexual seduction. Sex would always be initiated by me; at which time he would then go along for the ride. When he does attempt to take charge and initiate sex, it would feel very awkward, premature and clumsy. I have tried many times to teach, give him pointers and instructions, but the awkwardness is still there. Our rhythms are just not in sync.

 

Our situation would be similar to teaching someone to dance who has no natural rhythm. They may have all the moves memorized, but the performance won't look right if they are doing it off beat.

 

I am now wondering if I should I go ahead and marry this person and suppress my sexual desires. I am fearing that years down the road my frustration might build to become a major problem in the marriage.

[Xodius]

I can understand why you would be worried. Sex is only 10% of a relationship but can be 90% of the problem.

 

Sex toys work great but I don't think that if you are alone it benefits the marriage or relationship. It makes the guy feel useless. Tell him how good it would feel if he would get started on you with a toy and when you are very close to start himself. I'm sure he is insecure about his performance if he is still awkward.

 

Whenever he does well, (if ever) really let him know.

 

By the way, we know when your faking it... so don't.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am now wondering if I should I go ahead and marry this person and suppress my sexual desires. I am fearing that years down the road my frustration might build to become a major problem in the marriage.

What you're really asking is "Should I marry him if he doesn't make me happy?" What do you think the answer to that question is ???

 

Having said that, there are some contradictions in your post that make me wonder how well you've communicated your wants, needs and frustrations to him. First you say "sex would always be initiated by me", but then "when he does attempt to take charge and initiate sex" - which is it? Does he initiate or not? As Xodius said, he may simply be insecure and your feeling that he's not measuring up, as felt by him, may be a large part of the problem...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LoveLace]

Well, since teaching and explaining things to him, has there even been a small amount of improvement on his part?...or are you to the point where it just seems hopeless?

 

I'm just saying that no matter how much teaching you do, think baby steps...maybe he's felt overwhelmed by all the do's and dont's you've given him, only making him feel more pressured and as a result, even less adequate than before you started teaching...

 

It sounds as though you've been patient for the most part, and you probably don't want to hear this, but perhaps even more patience is required if you want to do whatever it takes to find satisfaction here. You said that he doesn't initiate enough, but when he does, it isn't the way you like it...perhaps just show major appreciation for the fact that he even initiates it in the 1st place...instead of criticizing HOW he does it, tell him you love him just for pursuing you...when he DOES do something right, even if it's nothing major and not 100% satisfying, your appreciation might give him the confidence to make more effort next time...maybe you've tried that approach but it's a thought.

 

There is also such thing as sex therapy for couples! Might be something to check into. And, maybe instead of telling him what it is YOU need, ask him what it is he needs from YOU, what can YOU do, in order to help him figure this all out....because the way you describe it, he's likely feeling as though he can't do anything right and that's frustrating. Just maybe he needs his chance to express all his feelings about the matter, just as you have done. And I'm not talking about turn-ons and such, just how it makes him feel emotionally. It's good that you've communicated all those things and opened yourselves up to new, exciting ideas...that alone is a good start if you ask me. Focus on anything about it that's positive vs. negative and perhaps build on those postive things somehow...some of the negative things just may not ever be able to change...but if there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing about the sex that you like, ever, that definitely poses a problem.

 

Remember men don't multi-task and multi-think like women do, that's why I said to think more in terms of "baby steps" and as a very gradual process...probably way more gradual than you'd like it to be, but if it finally gets to where you'd like it to be, it's worth it. But if you truly feel as though everything possible has been said and done to help this, and there's nothing left, I guess you either have to live with it or don't marry him..

[Mr. Lucky]

Remember men don't multi-task and multi-think like women do

I'd object to that if I didn't resemble it so much ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LoveLace]

I'd object to that if I didn't resemble it so much ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

LOL, it isn't necessarily true for every man or even for every woman, but apparently it's scientific fact, because our different types of brain activity or something like that...

 

Kind of like how they say that usually, when a woman starts develop strong feelings or whatever, the man is likely not quite to that same level yet...he's always "behind" a little bit just because we have different ways of thinking...so it's as though in the OP's situation, she might realize that her BF needs time to "catch up" if you will, with her feelings and ideas...he tries to be on the same level but chances he probably just is not and doesn't realize it...but of course he's trying because he loves her. He does not want to appear inadequate in the bedroom, yet it's obvious that he's willing to make effort even if it means screwing up. I feel bad for them both, really, because they love each other but perhaps are in a situation that might not be "fixable"..

[Heroic]

OK, you need a graphic example of what you need.

 

Start off on Thursday night and say these exact words.

 

I have a suprise for you tommorow. I NEED you to play along tommorow.

 

 

Friday night meet him at the door in a sexy maid costume. Serve him dinner in a sexy fassion...slide under the table and "blow his mind" while he eats.

 

Afterwords clean the table and put it to good use.

 

Clean up put on some clothes and head to to your local toy store.

 

Let him pick the next costume and the toys he gets yo use on you.....

 

One or two experiences like that are usually enough to get it through a thick head.

[Lizzie60]

It all depends.. if you can live with your frustrations.. but why marry.. why don't you just live common-law and see how it goes... for another couple of years. what's the rush.. why don't you make sure (another 2-3 years) that this is exactly what you want.. what's 2-3 years compared to a life of unhappiness and regrets.

 

If you have doubts right now.. don't do it.. simple as that.

 

One day... when you get much older.. sex won't be a problem.. because most older women don't want it anyway.. (menopause)

[ezg3]

i think you should have these reservations....you NEED address them now. sexual chemistry or lack thereof is a deal killer and silent killer of relationships. my wife and I never really clicked in the bedroom from day one...not sure why...hell i cant explain why...it is what it is. this has grown into a huge problem for us and I ended up getting satisfaction outside of the marriage.

 

know thyself...know what you like/want/need. if it is a strong sexlife and you KNOW you will not get it with him, you may want to reconsider a deeper commitment. youre setting yourself up for failure.

[OWoman]

Do you want a husband or a room mate? Will it be a closed or open marriage - will you have access to sexual fulfillment outside of the marriage, or only within it? How important is sex to you - would you be prepared to give it up, for the right guy?

[CaliforniaGirl]

OP, my immediate worry would be that you say you always initiate and he just "goes along for the ride". This doesn't sound like just a case of your BF needing to learn technique or even seduction; it sounds like he doesn't have the sex drive in the first place.

 

Although sex is just sex, I can tell you from experience (DH turned off when I became pregnant...long story) that it WILL become emotional. Over time, you will start taking it personally, wondering why you just aren't "sexy enough" or he doesn't "love you enough" to initiate sex. Things can get very bad emotionally because of this one problem.

 

I'm not saying don't marry him...but if you do, you need to understand that resentment can definitely build and that if it's this much of a problem before you're even married, well then....

 

I'm so very, very sorry. This is so tough, I know. I am really sorry you're going through this.

[QueenVictoria]

How old are you?

[EllieBean]

For me the lack of sexual chemistry would be a killer, because you can't create it if it's not there, and you will eventually become very resentful about not being sexually compatible and may look for it elsewhere. What happens if you get married and then you meet a guy who pushes all your buttons? I couldn't face the thought of not having good sex for the rest of my life - if you don't have sexual intimacy you're just friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I have to shamefully admit that after a couple of years with no decent sex I cheated on my ex-partner with someone who I had amazing chemistry with. My ex and I had ended up just being friends and I was increasingly frustrated about not being satisfied, so I cheated, and then I realised our relationship wasn't working and I dumped him. It would have been a lot worse if we were married.