me2 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Well I've browsed this board for a couple hours now, and have come across some great information. I'll try and keep this brief, as I'm expecting some certain replies to which I would agree with but since everything/one is different,...here we go.... I met this girl at work (I know...) and we were really good friends for awhile, eventually began dating as an exclusive couple late last August. She'd come to my shows (I'm a guitar player ) and I'd take her places, write songs about her, and generally speaking... we were both the happiest we'd ever been in our lives. Well, we ended up basically living together not long after we started dating which I think was part of it - we woke up, drove to work, went on breaks/lunches/went home/mostly had different evenings - her school, me 2 bands, / and she'd usually go to bed before me. We've both been hurt a lot in life and have the 'scarred' backgrounds. However we're both for the most part pretty positive productive people, well she's the positive one. After awhile, I was just a total downer. Dragging her down, but I was just maxed out. To the teeth. I took it out on her by saying some hurtful things and, well, basically kicking her out late one night. I didn't mean for her to leave, but we both got caught up in the emotions of the moment. Our communication wasn't the best which was a big part of it. It took me 2 weeks of being off work to sort things out, needing to find out why I did what I did - I had never done this before in my life! It broke me as much as it did her. I sent her a huge bouquet of flowers and asked if we could meet up. We had dinner, coffee, spent about 4 hours together face to face...me telling her what I felt went wrong, and her side of things. It was really good considering... Anyhow, I took her out to dinner the next week, and we started hanging out a bit again but she wasn't getting back in to full swing with things which I completely understand...I didn't even expect forgiveness but we were, or seemed like we were communicating better, etc. Well, she's roommates with a good friend (they transferred from Utah...) and none of her friends want her to be with me or anything so it's taking a huge toll on her, not to mention she's still healing. I forgot to mention, this last week we were supposed to go to Vegas/Utah to visit her parents, etc. It was the worst week of my life while she was gone. So, back on track here...things we're going ok, I was working on my issues, she hers, and 2 weeks ago she comes over and tells me we can't hang out...basically NC, which I understand is the 'term'. It hurts, her, me, we talk for a couple hours about it, her concerns, mine, and all the stuff I'm trying to let her know I'm serious about getting together. Changes I've made so far, what I'm working on, etc. and that she still can't fully trust me that it can't happen again, etc. I later send her a long email, saying I agree and understand and it's tough for us both, well she said it was for her too anyways. Anyhow, before she left for Utah which was the Friday after the Monday she told me this (NC), and I had given her 2 songs - 1 I had written for her previously and given to her for Christmas, but a much better one, and 2 - A song directed to not only her, but her friends by name and parents, expressing how sorry I was and everything. She took it with her too she said so her parents could hear it, said she liked it and thanked me. While she was gone this last week, I remixed and basically 'produced' a fully pro-grade 5 song CD/EP for her, about us, her, full artwork, hidden cover track of one of our favorite songs, etc. I refrained from calling her yesterday but broke down today and left her a vm saying I hope her trip was good, made you something, wanna give it to you, etc. So we meet up at the mall, helped her do some shopping for a minute and we go out and smoke in her car and I give her the cd's...oh yeah, did I mention I gave her a copy for her, her friends and parents? She loves it, she's probably listening to it now, but we're still NC. She said she still needs to keep some distance. I wanted the CD's to try and show her and the important people in her life an expression of my regret and that I'm willing to face things head on. I said they can all basically chew me out, etc. and I will face them all if it helps. I know it seems silly, but in the face of such a grave mistake, I find that standing tall and taking ownership is all you can do until/unless given the chance to try again. Reading the boards here really helped me come to some realizations so I won't beat a dead horse, if anyone's still reading...but, I just want to say, Ashley...I love you so much girl, you mean the world to me and I'm struggling with forgiving myself. But I know you need time to heal and workout some things, as do I. I won't say I don't think about you every second because I do, but I also have to be strong in this NC because in my heart I know it's the right thing for the moment. I won't say I don't hope, but I'm starting to accept the fact that it may never be again. I also rest easy knowing we shared so many wonderful times together in such a relatively short amount of time and no one can ever take that away. Overall, I'd say 98% was spectacular, and had I not taken a big giant dookie on us, you'd be here right now and I could tell you in person just how important to me you are. You were always my queen, best friend, and I failed you, myself, and our friends/family. If given another chance, I could never let myself let this happen again. BTW - At what point does it go from, 'working as a committed couple', to saving face and doing the NC thing? A cool paragraph I picked up from a book last week - Love was a sacred garment, woven of a fabric so thin that it could not be seen, yet so strong that even mighty death could not tear it, a garment that could not be frayed by use, that brought warmth into what would otherwise be an intolerably cold world - but at times love could also be as heavy as chainmail. Bearing the burden of love, on those ocassions when it was a solemn weight, made it more precious when, in better times, it caught the wind in sleeves like wings - and lifted you.
socialight Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 please cut out about 75% of that post and I will re-read it and give you an opinion.
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