Now that my 3 yr relationship is over, I realize that I've lost sight of who I am...

[BlackButterfly]

I'm fairly new to this site and have posted a thread regarding the situation with my ex. However, this thread is a little different because it's focusing on my evaluation of my relationship with myself.

 

My ex and I were together for about 3 years. Before I met him, I used to feel so sure of who I was, granted I was only 19 at the time. Although I had my share of insecurities, I was confident, outgoing, focused on my school work, artistic, talented,...the list goes on. I knew who I was, and I loved myself.

 

When my ex and I got together, I felt even more complete because I thought I had finally found someone who loved me for me. We complemented each other perfectly, and he made me so happy. Life couldn't have been better.

 

Things were great for about a year and a half, but then he started to change. He started showing interest in other girls, didn't make me feel loved anymore (we were each others' first loves), and I even discovered that he had cheated on me. The worse our relationship got, the more I found myself fighting to keep up together. Literally all of my time was focused on how we could fix things so that what I had invested so much of my heart and soul into would not fall apart.

 

I just became really sad and unhappy. I didn't sing, dance, or write poetry anymore. I didn't hang out with my girlfriends as much as I used to. I neglected my school work, and I just didn't do things that made me happy, like I did before I entered the relationship. The worse he treated me, the more emotionally drained I became. (He was never abusive or anything. Just very selfish and unfaithful).

 

Now that the relationship is over, I've been doing some deep soul searching and reflecting. I am realizing that I really did love this man more than I loved myself. If I had loved myself more, I never would have allowed his to treat me the way I did. When I think back on it, I am embarrassed by how sad and pathetic (for lack of a better word) I have allowed myself to become. Now I am struggling to pick up the pieces and get my life back to the way it used to be, if not better. I am only 22 years old. Has anyone ever felt this lost after getting out of a long term relationship? I'd like to get some insight from others on what the growing/learning experience was for you.

[love_fool]

I'm fairly new to this site and have posted a thread regarding the situation with my ex. However, this thread is a little different because it's focusing on my evaluation of my relationship with myself.

 

My ex and I were together for about 3 years. Before I met him, I used to feel so sure of who I was, granted I was only 19 at the time. Although I had my share of insecurities, I was confident, outgoing, focused on my school work, artistic, talented,...the list goes on. I knew who I was, and I loved myself.

 

When my ex and I got together, I felt even more complete because I thought I had finally found someone who loved me for me. We complemented each other perfectly, and he made me so happy. Life couldn't have been better.

 

Things were great for about a year and a half, but then he started to change. He started showing interest in other girls, didn't make me feel loved anymore (we were each others' first loves), and I even discovered that he had cheated on me. The worse our relationship got, the more I found myself fighting to keep up together. Literally all of my time was focused on how we could fix things so that what I had invested so much of my heart and soul into would not fall apart.

 

I just became really sad and unhappy. I didn't sing, dance, or write poetry anymore. I didn't hang out with my girlfriends as much as I used to. I neglected my school work, and I just didn't do things that made me happy, like I did before I entered the relationship. The worse he treated me, the more emotionally drained I became. (He was never abusive or anything. Just very selfish and unfaithful).

 

Now that the relationship is over, I've been doing some deep soul searching and reflecting. I am realizing that I really did love this man more than I loved myself. If I had loved myself more, I never would have allowed his to treat me the way I did. When I think back on it, I am embarrassed by how sad and pathetic (for lack of a better word) I have allowed myself to become. Now I am struggling to pick up the pieces and get my life back to the way it used to be, if not better. I am only 22 years old. Has anyone ever felt this lost after getting out of a long term relationship? I'd like to get some insight from others on what the growing/learning experience was for you.

 

I whole-heartedly agree with you on that. I blame my ex of robbing me of who I "was" when I was 17 years old. A year and 9 months later, he let me go, only to realize I had nothing to lean back on. I'm starting again fresh, I'm determined to focus on school and I have a support system of friends who tell me everyday my life is not worthless. Not only did that happen to me, he lost his identity too. He dropped out of college, and realized he doesn't have a best friend... other than me. We were first loves to each other, and actually I was his very first girlfriend. I did the very same thing, once I knew our relationship was slipping, I grabbed on so tight that he's pretty much lost all respect for me. I let myself feel vunerable.

 

You will feel lost, and you feel worthless, but despite all that, you are not worthless because struggling in itself proves that your are fighting your hardest. It's better than not fighting at all.

 

A quote a close friend showed me:

"Strength is Happiness. Strength is itself victory. In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness. When you wage a struggle, you might win or you might lose. But regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being."

 

I'm only starting to find myself again.. but damn it feels good.

Best wishes to you!

[Trialbyfire]

I didn't read your other thread but what's happened is that your narcissistic b/f has literally drained you dry of everything in you. It's going to take time for you to recoup your strength and learn to love yourself again. It's a hard lesson to learn, that no matter how much you love someone, somethings aren't meant to be and some people, like your b/f, shouldn't be allowed continuity within the gene pool.

 

You're going to continue to go through pain for awhile but you're going to make it. Just focus on yourself right now. Do some retail therapy. Talk to your friends, go out with them, have some fun. Go for a walk and enjoy the beauty outside. You need to reconnect with the living.

[Beautiful Inside]

totally can agree with you there, i think that if my bf and i were to split up permanently i deff would have NOTHING id feeling like nothing I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. HE LITERALLY IS MY OTHER HALF. i have given up everything for him friends and all.... i stopped going out and hanging out with friends its like id be starting all over again a brand new person its so lonely and scary....

[EmperorR]

I know how it is, with my ex, everything that I was before her, outgoing, friendly lots of friends, calm cool never stressed out, etc. she sucked it all from me and made me a recluse with only one friend her . Once she cheated and dumped me it was a long process but i have rediscovered the real me back again.

[BlackButterfly]

Thanks for the responses guys. In case anyone is wondering about the details, he left me. In the three years together, we have broken up twice and had one "break". The first time we broke up, I found out that he cheated on me. I ended it, but then I wanted to give him another chance. He said he loved me, but he was confused about what he wanted. So, we split for about 3-4 weeks. Then he came back saying that he made the biggest mistake of his life, and that losing me made him realize that I was the one. So we got back together, but it was pretty rocky because I was so hurt by what he had done to me. There were a few more incidents where I found him involved in inappropriate relations with other females, and we began arguing alot. I didn't understand how he could say that he loved me, and then do the things that he did. Finally, I guess the arguing started to get to him, so he asked for a break. I cut off all contact for about 4-5 days. Then, he contacted me and asked if we could meet up because he needed to talk to me. He said that the few days that we spent apart made him realize that even though we have our problems, he loves me to death, and is willing to work through our issues together. So, once again, like an idiot, I took him back. The final break up came about a month later. We got into a huge argument about how neglected and unloved I felt in the relationship. I couldn't stand how flirtatious and out of order he was when it came to other girls, and on top of that, I no longer felt like a priority. I cried my heart out for hours expressing how much pain his actions were causing me. Finally, he said that he thinks that we shouldn't be together because he doesn't know what he wants and is "confused". He asked if we could remain friends, and when I said no, he started crying. (probably crocodile tears). We've been in casual communication with one another since the split, but I recently found out that he's involved in a relationship with one of the girls that I suspected him of cheating on me with. Pretty convenient, huh? I remeber when I questioned his relationship with this girl, he said she was just a friend and made me seem like I was insecure. (He doesn't know that I know he's with her right now, by the way.) I've come to the realization that this cannot possible be the man that God wants me to be with, because I know that I deserve so much better. I was nothing less than an amazing girlfriend to him from day one. He's even said so himself. Still, I'd be lying if I said that the thought of him with someone else didn't hurt a little :'-(

[love_fool]

totally can agree with you there, i think that if my bf and i were to split up permanently i deff would have NOTHING id feeling like nothing I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. HE LITERALLY IS MY OTHER HALF. i have given up everything for him friends and all.... i stopped going out and hanging out with friends its like id be starting all over again a brand new person its so lonely and scary....

 

It's not too late to fix that!

[chrissreef]

I met my ex shortly after moving to the city so all my friends were her friends. then when she broke up with me, i had no friends to go to locally - and i realized how much of my own happiness I put on her existance. it's been almost 3 months and i'm starting to do things i've been wanting to do for a long time. many times i "wish she were here" to "see me" and do these things we would have enjoyed together... but i'm trying to just enjoy myself.

 

in the back of my mind while i'm doing these thigns (dancing, travel, walking the dog, cooking class), i think about how she's probably at a sports bar with her new guy. he's fun i'm sure, but she haaaates bars and hates sports! this is part of why I don't get why they're together, but whatever.

[Konfuzion]

Now that the relationship is over, I've been doing some deep soul searching and reflecting. I am realizing that I really did love this man more than I loved myself. If I had loved myself more, I never would have allowed his to treat me the way I did. When I think back on it, I am embarrassed by how sad and pathetic (for lack of a better word) I have allowed myself to become. Now I am struggling to pick up the pieces and get my life back to the way it used to be, if not better. I am only 22 years old. Has anyone ever felt this lost after getting out of a long term relationship? I'd like to get some insight from others on what the growing/learning experience was for you.

 

I think its normal for most people to feel a little down and out after a long term relationship. The above paragraph is the key, love yourself and go out and do the things you love to do.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes. After my last relationship, which I ended six months ago, I felt that my self-esteem had been shattered. I am JUST beginning to feel decent about myself somewhat reliably, but I am still not completely back to being my mostly confident, positive, can-do self.

 

What I learned from that experience is NEVER to let my self-esteem suffer in a relationship again. As soon as that starts to happen, it's a major sign that you need to take action and change the situation or get out of the relationship. Love should never make you feel bad about yourself. If a relationship does, it's not a truly loving one.

[AMM003]

I'll tell you what. I think when a guy says he's confused, it's pretty much a bunch of BS. I know cause I used it on various occasions. But I was 19-20 years old and it was the best line to string along girls or use it as an excuse when I really messed up(such as he did). Dont buy that crap. I learned the hard way not to use women like that. As my first LTR of 2 1/2 years got me back. After that, I was as honorable as they come. But the karma never stops. My last one LTR got me back real good too. ( I should be even by now). it'll come back to snip his arse for cheating.

 

Lose the guy, he'll keep doing it to you till he has learned his lesson. And you deserve better as well. Bottom line....

[ErinsIsle]

I had to post in response to your post BlackButterfly. That is exactly how my ex made me feel. I have never read a post that clicked with me as much as yours did. Even though I am a lot older than you (late 30's), maybe they say there is no fool like an old fool.

 

I was with my ex for 8 years. I thought it was forever and like you, the worse things got the more I tried to hold it together. This guy was my soul mate and I was not going to let him go. Towards the very end, he treated me terribly and I was reduced to a quivering crying wreck, I am sorry to say. All of my day was about him, looking after him when he was sick, wondering where he was, who he was with - I just became consumed by it. Looking back now, he had me where he wanted me, and just kept twisting the knife. he would phone up when he wanted a drinking buddy or his dinner cooked, stayed in my house and would be gone next morning, till he decided he wanted the same again. I was drifting and going nowhere.

 

I had not spoken to him in four weeks when I had a further whammy.

I lost my job, which I loved (it closed down), found another job which involved a four hour commute (which I hated) and I lost all confidence in myself. I was drinking a bottle of wine, if not more most evenings and put on 2.5 stone binge eating. I absolutely hated myself. I did nothing only sleep or work. Even at weekends I could not pull myself out of it. That was rock bottom.

 

Then out of the blue, I got a phone call to say a close friend of mine had died tragically. That was my turning point. I phoned my ex the next day to tell him and he did not even turn up at the funeral for me. He was phoning me on the day of the funeral and I did not answer my phone. I just said to myself, if he cant be here today, he's really shown me how he felt about me the past eight years. That was my wake up call. I dont know how I did it or what clicked in my head, but thank god, I have never spoken to him since that day and I dont ever want to speak to him/see him again.

 

I only have a couple of drinks now if I go out with friends, got back into my fitness and have lost 1.5 stone (so only 1 stone to go) and put my head down and found a job with a 20 minute drive, which I love. I really feel I am finding myself again. I am getting back to being me, enjoying listening to music, cooking, reading and all the things I let him take from me.

 

On the minus side, I am working quite near him now, so at one stage we may bump into each other, but I hope not. I had said initially if I met him that I was going to (a) really lay into him in anger or (b) break down sobbing. I now know that if I am unfortunate to meet him, I will say, hi, how are you and just keep walking. I am not going to stoop to his level. Head held high and all that. I still dont want to get involved with anyone else and dont trust men, which is a pity, but I think that is slowly coming back to me too.

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread, it just struck such a chord with me. I can also say that No Contact is the only way forward. It has been 7 months now since I spoke to him and I am now almost back to being me.