Ichigo Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Hello all, So I believe I'm to a point in this rough patch my wife and I are going through where I could really use a woman's point of view, or even somebody who's been in a similar situation! My wife and I are approaching our 5 year anniversary this June (I'm 28 she's 27.) We were college sweethearts, dated for 4 years and finally married a year after we engaged. Now were just like anybody else and have had our rough patches many various times, if any marriage has never had any rough points having a kid can certainly fix that (my wife suffered from post-partum depression and it took us a while to figure this out). We have a three year old daughter that is my pride and joy now So here's the issue; my wife tells me she love's me, but is just not in love with me anymore. This first came up a few months back, when we were to a point where we were considering needing marriage counseling and/or separating because we were going at each other so much argument wise. Any little thing could set us off at each other I hate to say. After we had a long sit down one night (a come to Jesus talk if you will) the jist of the conversation was ultimately that my wife needed more out of me and that she was going to start doing things to please herself instead of trying to please others like she has in the past. So I've been very good about setting up date nights and just in general trying to do more things to let her know how much I appreciate her. I've always been good about doing house chores, helping out with our daughter etc... so by no means am I distant in the relationship. In fact up until today things have been very good between us overall, not perfect but pretty good . So last night we go out with some friends and have a good time, went out and danced which she loves to do. When we get home I'm thinking to myself; well we haven't had sex in three weeks, we have family staying with us all this next week, and then it's her period weekafter that so tonight might be a good night for sex right? We get home and my wife goes straight for the TV to turn on a tv show (so much for that idea). So this morning I tell her that I'm upset about how last night went down and she pulls up the whole I love you but I'm not in love thing with you again and that she's okay with going weeks without sex until hopefully these feelings come back. So here's really the point where I need some perspective! In my opinion, I've really been trying to be a better husband the past few months and we've even been having sex (I guess silly guy perspective, your having sex so everything's okay right LOL). What is going through my wifes mind? Obviously the jist of my morning conversation with her was to bring up my sexual frustrations and I've really been trying to be very understanding of her sex drive. She's a full-time college student, works part time so we hardly ever see each other during the week because she works evenings MWF, etc... so I more then understand she has some long days and I can't just turn her on at night when were laying their in bed etc... I understand their has to be the emotional connection, but the funny thing is a couple months ago when she went off her birth control because we ran out, she was a sex machine that weekend. Is it possible her birth control is having this much effect on her emotionally? I really don't know what to do now, hell I don't even feel like trying to be romantic now which isn't good for the relationship. I think I'll seriously need to look into getting us setup with some marriage counseling. Thoughts? Maybe I've been looking at this all the wrong way?
iceis44 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Just my opinion, she has someone else. My husband told me this line, after 25 years, Thanks for opening the door I was standing in front of, I am the happiest divorced woman you will find.
Kamille Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Yikes. It sounds like she is kind of giving up on the idea of making the effort. Did you guys follow through on the career counselling? Another thing... She goes to school full time and work part time? Any way you two could afford her giving up her part-time job until she finishes? You would perhaps have less income for awhile but she would also have more time for herself. (Slightly related: I'm in school myself and came to realize I couldn't keep working as much as I did, go to school and stay sane. I decided to quit my jobs for the last year of school. Money is tighter but the depressive state I was struggling with has lifted.)
Sam Spade Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Just another story proving that women do not deserve getting committed to . She does not deserve you. Kick her out of your life NOW. I know this is not helpful. But I am sick of reading stories like yours - decent guys being good husbands being treated like crap by the "women" they had the bad luck to marry.
Heroic Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Get a keylogger and check your phone records. When you give someone what they say they want.....some emotional connection points and they don't respond they are connecting with someone else.
taylor Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Ichigo, You sound like a smart, mature husband. You are doing everything right and you truly seem to be in tune with what a woman wants and needs. Unfortunately your wife is not responding. It's hard to know for sure what is going on with the little bit of info you have provided. The worst case scenario is she is emotionally involved with someone else..perhaps at school or at her part-time job. If your wife has fallen out of love with you, most likely it's because she has fallen in love with someone else..or is on the verge of falling in love with someone else she is attracted to. Telling your husband you are not in love with him anymore is a big deal. If she said it, she means it. Her other comment...that she is going to start putting herself and her own happpiness first...that is also something a woman would say who is contemplating an affair or who, in her mind, is justifying an affair she is in already. So, again, this comment leads me to believe she may be involved with someone else or is contemplating an affair with someone else. A third comment...that she needs more out of you. If your wife is attracted to or involved with someone else, she will see you in a different light. All of your shortcomings, flaws, weaknesses, and bad habits will come front and center. She will find fault in what you do and what you don't do. Again, this is another way she justifies her involvement with another man. The better he "looks" to her, the "worse" you will look. If your wife is not interested in another man, the only other explanations for her lack of interest in sex with you might be: 1. Depression. Lack of sexual interest is a symptom. Is she still depressed? Is she on medication for it? AD's can lower sex drive. Not sure about birth control pills????!!! 2. She's burned out and emotionally disconnected from the relationship. Your wife has alot on her plate with school, job and raising a toddler. And she doesn't see much of you during the week. She probably doesn't feel like a "sex machine" 99 percent of the time because she doesn't have time to focus on that part of your relationship. Your relationship has been shoved in a corner to collect dust. Other priorities have consumed her. There's nothing left inside her to give. (This can lead to an affair whereby your wife uses the affair to "escape" from her everyday life. Affairs are all sunshine and rainbows and flowers; everyday life is crying babies, dirty dishes, and laundry). You can go the PI route to see if there is another man in the picture. Do this if you do not trust that your wife is telling you the truth. But I would suggest marriage counseling. Three weeks is a long time to go without sex. It's a symptom of a problem in your marriage. MC can help you and your wife get to the root of that problem. I would also suggest a weekend getaway in a program called "Marriage Encounter." The program is designed to revitalize marriages...putting the marriage back at the top of the list of priorities. It's a great way to reconnect...just the two of you.
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Sheesh, everyone is so quick to suggest an affair. When would the poor woman even have TIME for one? I remember when we had a toddler and I was going to school part-time. I was pooped out just from that! By the way, we're married 14 years this June and if it's any consolation that period in our marriage was one of the toughest. It really was. Things are great now years later. (Our son will be 13 next month.) I agree with the person who said that perhaps she can give up the part-time job. Is that feasible for you guys? She has too much on her plate. You sound like a wonderful husband and I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Can you (do you?) ever approach her when you're not looking for sex? I mean are you affectionate with her without expecting anything ever? If you're doing everything you can do, including the above, and she's still not responding then you need to get tough. Yep, you need to lay it on the line with her and tell her that you're not happy with the way things are going and you expect a change. The whole "I love you, I'm not in love with you" thing is BS. That's total immaturity talking. You guys are not dating, you're in a MARRIAGE with a child. She needs to wake-up. Does she really think the grass is greener on the other side? Does she really think good men grown on trees? Does she really think she's going to have "butterflies" forever with ANY man? Marriages go through patches like this. You're in a bad one now. Now, is the time to show what you both are made of. Here's where so many BAIL. The weak and immature ones walkaway. The strong and mature plow through until they make it through this time together. Maybe you should show her this thread and it will open up a discussion. I don't know what else to say. Things aren't always so easy and you're not going to always feel "in love." That's the time to stick together and trust that if you're really meant to be and are good together it WILL get better. We still talk about that rough time in our marriage. I often felt like just escaping. I can understand where she's coming from.
OWoman Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I understand their has to be the emotional connection, but the funny thing is a couple months ago when she went off her birth control because we ran out, she was a sex machine that weekend. Is it possible her birth control is having this much effect on her emotionally? Yes definitely! BTDT. The Pill can be a real libido killer - I think there is another thread about that somewhere on this forum?
Candistix Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 OMG!! Everyone is so quick to suggest an affair. I have just gone through this situation with my boyfriend of 12 years. I remember feeling exactly the way your wife is feeling. It did not have anything to do with another man. For me, I think I was so tried of all the arguing. It pushed me away. I knew I still loved him, but I wasn't in love anymore. He tried several things to spruce up the relationship but I was non respondent. I just couldn't get out of the rut of feeling like things will not be the same. I always felt something will spark and we will begin arguing again. It became a cycle for us. I would go weeks without giving him any sex. I come home from work and quick to turn the T.V. on and watch it until bed time. This went on for months and for me, it took him to start going out and ignoring me. Letting me deal with my own issues. He just went about his days as if I wasn't there. I then blew up and kicked him out. After 2 wks of being alone I realized this isn't what I want so we talked and things are starting to work out for themselves, but we still living apart but making real progress.
Shehe Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Thank you Taylor for your great post. However we should not automatically assume that the W is having an affair. Obviously there is a problem. Again I would also suggest marriage counseling.
taylor Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Thank you Taylor for your great post. However we should not automatically assume that the W is having an affair. Obviously there is a problem. Again I would also suggest marriage counseling. I agree, Shehe. An affair is the worst case scenario. The OP should also consider depression, burn-out, and emotional disconnection, etc. All of these could be explored very effectively in marriage counseling. Sometimes it's hard to get to the exact root of the problem. It's like peeling off the layers of an onion.
Author Ichigo Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Well first and foremost thank you to the many that responded, definitely some helpful information So I wanted to catch everyone up to speed on what happened after I made my first post. That night I was so uptight I honest to god could not sleep and woke my wife up at 3:00 in the morning so we could talk, a gutsy move waking up anybody at three in the morning LOL, but I had to much on my mind. We spoke for about three hours and ultimately came to the conclusion that we simply don't have the necessary tools to fix whatever this funk is that were in. Although she was hesitant about talking to a stranger I convinced her that we should try counseling and she agreed. So the next morning I made some calls and found that the university she attends offered some marriage counseling through their family center and I got us setup for our intake appointment tomorrow and then hopefully we can begin sessions from there. So I'm hopeful this will get us going down the right path. I've thought about many things that everyone posted through out the week and I can at least say I'm 99.99 percent positive my wife is not having an affair. I can't say the thought never crossed my mind, but in all truth I've just not seen my wife do anything suspicious so until I see anything otherwise; she has my trust. I can however say the thing that is truly the most aggravating about this whole situation is I keep feeling like all the problems are being claimed as my fault, but yet I feel fine about where were at. Yeah we've got alot on our plates, but everything comes back to me in some form or fashion. My wife mentioned while we were talking that I need to get some friends and stop being a homebody. Now not to say that she's not coming from a good place on this, but at times I just want to tell her to try being in my shoes and see how easy it is to make friends. I go to work and support this family, have to be at home in the evenings so our daughter is being taken care of while she's doing school events, studying, working etc... and she's telling me to make friends, hell I don't have the time LOL. Sigh - I guess we all have our things to work on huh! One other thing I did want an opinion on if you guys are still reading this long post. So before this last blow up, when things had been going good for a while, we were looking at planning a trip to Vegas to get away. I would really like to go, BUT when I was talking to my wife last night I told her I think its best we do some counseling first and get things back in order before we go on any trip. She commented she thought it would be nice to get away and that might help us but I honestly think some counseling is more in order at the moment. I could tell she was a little taken back with my decision but I think its for the best. It'd be more fun to go on the trip as kind of a reward to ourselves for working on our marriage don't ya think?
jj33 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 No actually I dont think so. Unless you feel so hurt and torn up that you couldnt enjoy time with her, why do you need to make her "work" for it? Why does it need to be YET another goal to reach with everything the two of you have on your plates? You are both beseiged by obligations. A little bit of time away may be just the thing to help you reconnect. Dont ya think? As it is you are hardly at home at the same time.
Author Ichigo Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 By and large I feel pretty good about everything, but I think we have some things that need to be addressed before we go splurge on what would be a kind of expensive weekend. It's a good point though I mean who knows maybe a weekend away would help jump start things, but on the other hand I'd like to think it could be a "romantic" weekend for us and although we've been giving each other the "Hello how was your day kiss" when I get home were not exactly tearing it up in the bedroom right now.
jj33 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Well maybe a weekend away is what you need to get the romance back? Only you know. I appreciate its a splurge but if theres any chance that it could jumpstart things, isnt that worth it? Its a WHOLE lot cheaper than divorce... and if you do get to your milestone go again! again even 2 weekends away is a whole lot cheaper than a divorce... maybe that is the problem. You are being a good provider juggling, not making freinds not going out, you are focused on the goal taking care of your family, making sure everyone succeeds etc - all the things you should be doing. But think of what she said - she wants to have fun. She wants to be happy - maybe what she is saying is its all too much... Maybe you look at family obligations etc and how you handle the "striving" part of life differently. But getting away for a break couldnt be a bad thing, if nothing else, it will give you time to see how you can reconnect when you actually have the free time to focus on each other. And if you do reconnect while you are away, you could end up tearing it up. You never know. It doesnt sound like you have much time to relax and kick back together.
bobdole Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Going through the exact thing right now with a few differences with my gf of near 3 years. *sigh*. We should make a support group or something heh. Alot of people are suggesting affair, I wouldn't discount it immediately. As they said, put a keylogger on her computer and check phone records. I found evidence that my gf desires other people (definitely doesn't desire me anymore, same exact crap word for word and loving but not in love). I don't think she's acted on it yet but the situation is bad enough. I haven't broken up with her yet, but only because we haven't spoke in a few days. The gd retard bitch is staying with her dad where the object of her lust LIVES (dad's gf's son). So sorry hun, ass is going to the the curb (I 100% completely support her). Sorry to hijack your thread a bit and vent
Cherished Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 The gd retard bitch is staying with her dad where the object of her lust LIVES (dad's gf's son). I totally understand, from that comment, why she would leave you and be attracted to another guy. She will surely be happier than with you, I couldn't stand a guy who would use language like that.
NewSunrise Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 BUT when I was talking to my wife last night I told her I think its best we do some counseling first and get things back in order before we go on any trip. She commented she thought it would be nice to get away and that might help us but I honestly think some counseling is more in order at the moment. I could tell she was a little taken back with my decision but I think its for the best. It'd be more fun to go on the trip as kind of a reward to ourselves for working on our marriage don't ya think? Bad move dude! You just treated your wife like a child. Think about it. A trip IS part of working on your marriage. And you might've gotten laid too! This is just the kind of things why we women think men can be such idiots at times!! :D:D
Remy Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 This might have been covered previously but I have read of a study on birth control pills and libido and the results showed a significant drop in SHBG (hormone that relates to Testosterone) in the women using the pills. This equated with a drop in libido for that group of women compared with women who had never used the pill. What was interesting was that the study showed a permanent reduction in the SHBG hormone so even when women stopped using the pill this hormone did not go back to normal levels. It seemed to indicate that there may be a permanent effect on libido for women who have ever used the pill. There was talk in doing a further larger study to get more information but I haven't been able to find any info on that.
taylor Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 GO PLAY!!! That's an order. Swoop up your wife and wisk her off to Vegas. (Did I really say swoop and wisk?) Anyways, your goal? HAVE FUN!!! I think the two of you are in a rut. That's what happens when you let obligations and responsibilities rule your life. All work and no play makes a marriage DULL...ie...no sparks....ie.,nothing happening in the bedroom. This is your chance..your opportunity...to put that spark back in your marriage...to act like you did before you were married..without all the work, the bills, the parenting. You will come back refreshed with a new perspective. THEN, focus on counseling. The more bonded you are when you start counseling, the easier it will be to focus on your issues and problem solving together. Your trip will not diminish your need for counseling...you still need to work on the issues of everyday life...but the trip may help you approach counseling in a better light. One small sidenote: It struck me when you said your wife is blaming you for the issues in the marriage...perhaps blaming you for her unhappiness. This is an excellent reason to seek therapy. No marital problem will ever get solved when spouses are pointing fingers at each other. There is no "YOU, YOU, YOU" in therapy. I can see already that as a couple you will benefit from therapy by learning how to communicate issues and feelings in ways that will lead to effective problem solving. Now go pack your bags.
Kamille Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 In my last two relationships, it's been my experience that my exes would get really sensitive if we didn't have sex regularly. (For one, we couldn't go over three days without him starting to feel like it must mean SOMETHING - that I didn't love him.) From where I stand though, I can assure you that while for you, the measure of your intimacy is sex, for her it probably has very little to do with it. So basically, by putting so much emphasis on sex, you might be missing out on some of the clues she is sending. She doesn't feel "in love" anymore and she would like you to spend more time with friends, becoming that independent man she fell in love with. Again, I'm wondering why you two don't discuss her giving up the part time job until she finishes school. That way, she would have more time to stay at home while you go out and invest in activities that you're interested in. And while you make it sounds like she's out there having fun with her classes and work schedule while you stay at home taking care of your child, I can assure you that classes and work usually carry quite a bit of stress with them. In other words, please don't be tempted to position yourself as a victim here. The current schedule/work arrangement doesn't seem to work for either of you. She's exhausted and you're bordering on resentful. Work together at changing it. As to Vegas... YES, go! I agree with the person who said you treated your wife like a child here. Relationships are so much healthier when the goal of each partner is empowering the other. Anyways - I know from experience that this must be a really had impasse. But you can get through this, just don't pit yourselves against each other. And good job on the counseling - I'm sure it will help.
2sure Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 You are both beseiged by obligations. A little bit of time away may be just the thing to help you reconnect. Dont ya think? As it is you are hardly at home at the same time. Good advice. This may not be as in depth as you think. She is bored. She is bored with her routine, herself , and apparantly you. Dont take it is as personally as she is making it. Find something to do, go somewhere. Not to make yourself more interesting to her, but to make yourself more interesting to YOU. Right now, your only interest is work and famiily. And it should be - but lets face it, its boring. You look to her for interest, she looks to you. Its what we all do - but the trick is to remain an interesting INDIVIDUAL. Not easy, lol. Possibly she will follow your lead.
NewSunrise Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Have considered revamping your image too that would make her wild about you? Also ake a trip down memory lane. What were some of the things that you used to do for her that you've stopped doing? Things you two did that were fun? Before baby? Pamper her a little. Do things that will make her want to want you.
Recommended Posts