So I buy him a gift.. and now I'm the bad guy?

[missdependant]

So my boyfriend has been bitching about not having a nice phone. His step mom bought a new phone and gave him her old phone. We got in an argument a few weeks ago and he threw it against the wall (he has a pretty bad temper), which broke it.

 

I felt bad, because I figured I made him really mad if he was willing to throw a new phone and shatter it, and yeah I was being pregnant and hormonal so I probably was in the wrong. So I went out and spent a lot of money on a really nice, BRAND-new blackberry phone for him; most of which came from my tax return that I could have spent on new things for our baby which is on the way.

 

After I bought it for him, he didn't say thank you or anything. Messed with it for about five seconds and then put it down. This was about a week ago. A friend of his came over.. I stayed upstairs and read while they were downstairs playing video games to give him some guy time. I heard them talking and he mentioned that I was "being a bitch and made him throw his phone, then bought him this really ****ty phone to make up for it".

 

I felt really offended, because I DID in fact spend quite a bit of money on it and it was a gift and it seemed like a really nice phone compared to a lot of other ones. It was definitely nicer than the one he broke. I didn't say anything about it at all, kept my mouth shut and pretended nothing happened.

 

Then today, he tells me that he e-mailed some guy from craigslist asking if he would trade his Iphone for the blackberry and $75. I told him that sort of hurt my feelings, considering I bought it as a gift.. I told him he could trade it if he really wanted to, but that I found it kind of messed up. His argument was that I spent $40 at Bath and Bodyworks for lotions and stuff for myself... which I felt I had a right to do, considering MY tax return was REALLY big and it's MY money and can do whatever I want with it. Then he tells me he never wanted a Blackberry and insists that he told me this before (though I don't remember ONE time that he told me this).

 

Anyway, this really upset me. He hasn't apologized.. he doesn't feel bad at all and he's STILL complaining about the Blackberry and how controlling I am for not letting him trade it. Then tells me that he does so much for me and I never do anything for him.. and here I am. At his parents' house-sitting for him while he's at work.

 

Things were going really great up until a week ago. Our relationship seems like it's on the right track finally, but I've been so emotional being pregnant.. Forgive me for going off topic with this, I think I just need somewhere to vent..

 

But on top of everything, I feel horribly unattractive. He got home late from work the other night.. I never questioned him about it, he just told me when he got home that he went out with his work friends to get drinks, and bought his boss (who is female, I might add) a few drinks for her birthday.. I will admit I got a little jealous especially since I was never even invited. But again, I kept quiet about it.

 

Then he gets mad, because a male-friend of mine from work stopped by to copy some music from my computer.. while my boyfriend was home. They talk and joke around whenever my boyfriend comes into my work, so I figured it would be fine. Instead he got mad asking why we're always hanging out. Keep in mind, this is the only time I've seen him outside work except for our work meetings which we usually have at a sushi bar. I talk to him at work a lot since we sit next to each other.. big deal, i'd talk to a girl a lot if she sat next to me too.

 

Anyway, I was switching my sim card over to his blackberry because he obviously doesn't want or like the phone and it's nicer than what I have (if he wants a nicer one he can buy it himself or keep my sidekick).. his messages were still in the phone. And that same girl from work that he bought the drinks for sent him a message from that night that says "god damn boy, that's way sexy. i'm glad you came out for drinks with us tonight are you coming next week?"

 

I haven't said anything about it, because every time I bring anything up he gets all defensive and it is always twisted around on me and I'm made out to be the bad guy. Do I just stay quiet about this too? I don't want to fight, but I think he's been completely unfair to me for the last week.. or am I doing something wrong here?

[socialight]

this website needs a special section for "venting".

[allina]

Holy crap! You've got a lot more problems here than the phone! It's sad to see how you tolerate his horrible behavior, almost like it's the norm for you. Why have you decided to share your life with this man? Why have you chosen this man to be the father of your child? This relationship sounds awful

[Lucky_One]

Have you talked to a counselor at a women's shelter? They are typically free, and they will give you some good advice on dealing with emotionally abusive men with violent tendencies.

 

Good luck, and stay safe.

[mr.dream merchant]

I can understand the whole male co-worker that you talk to all the time coming over to your house thing. That would make any boyfriend a little bit PO'd. What I don't understand is how he's treating you, and how he's out and about with a pregnant wifey at home. Didn't even invite you and now he has some cougar boss txting him asking him out for next week. Wow. And you're carrying his seed. Wow.

[danb]

I've never been in this situation myself, but often in a relationship, especially with a child incoming, people start to feel like they are losing themselves and aren't sure know how to handle it. I think its scaring him, or hes just an ass.

[missdependant]

For the most part our relationship is really great. I know the pregnancy is pretty stressful for BOTH of us, so I'm trying to be considerate about it.

 

I'm not a controlling girlfriend, and I do pride myself on allowing him the freedom to do almost whatever he wants. I think I am a damn good girlfriend, considering I don't get mad when he goes to the bars with his friends, I don't get mad that he has female friends (I know most of them), I don't tell him what he can and cannot do..

 

Believe it or not, my biggest problem with him has been porn and he's agreed not to watch it and I do believe that he hasn't been (our compromise was to make some of our own).

 

Overall, I think I am VERY trusting of him, especially because he cheated on me once at the very beginning of our relationship. We've moved past those problems at this point..

 

Usually we get along and spend a lot of time together which is good enough for me.. We both understand that personal space is really important. I make it a point to spend plenty of time with my girlfriends and he makes it a habit to go out to the bars to watch sports and drink with his male friends.

 

When we're together, we have really meaningful conversations, we're both very comfortable around each other and we can always agree on what to do. Our sex life is amazing, and we both have the same hopes, dreams and goals. I do love him, and I know he loves me.. just this past week he's been a total ASS!

[Jaytb]

this website needs a special section for "venting".

 

There is. But I think this is more relevant here anyway seeing as how she's looking for advice.

 

I think this guy sounds like a complete jackass. Why would you waste your time with him?

[Cherished]

I'm sorry about this. You sound like a lovely person and your baby and you will have a happier life without him in it.

Him calling you a b**ch because you bought him a phone is not acceptable and shows his true character. He knew you were in the house, so I believe he wanted you to hear him call you this.

[mr.dream merchant]

I'm sorry about this. You sound like a lovely person and your baby and you will have a happier life without him in it.

Him calling you a b**ch because you bought him a phone is not acceptable and shows his true character. He knew you were in the house, so I believe he wanted you to hear him call you this.

 

Dunno about all of that, he may be an amazing father. And who knows? Maybe missdependant said something to him that really pressed his buttons. I'm not constituting him calling her a bitch but there's two sides to every story. She is pregnant, and pregnant women tend to be very scary at times, very snappy. He may have called her a bitch due to something else, or maybe several small annoying things she did added up and his frustration hit the limit. To say he should lose her and THEIR child over this is pretty irrational. Granted he has some explaining to do with the name calling, not being thankful for his gift, and some random broad texting him, I'd say they'll be alright.

[missdependant]

I guess I should probably add that I am NOT a perfect girlfriend. I have lost my cool just the same..

 

For example, he cheated on me a long time ago with his ex-girlfriend. They continued to hang out, and I didn't say anything about it even though I was really uncomfortable with it. Finally, I did tell him that I did NOT want him talking to her at ALL. He doesn't really care about that, but he's mad that the majority of their social circle won't talk to him anymore. I did slash her tires and key her car after she had been stalking me for at least 8 months. She confronted me, and obviously knew it was me that did it.. but never pressed charges, because I threatened to press charges for the stalking and harassment. So yeah.. I was immature. More to the point, they used to share a social circle and now a lot of them don't talk to him anymore.. which I know is my fault, but none of them were his GOOD friends.. just party friends.

 

Another example is his so-called-best-friend. In the first year that we were dating, I'd only heard about her but never met her. Finally, at a party I did and I was excited to meet her.

 

She gave him a really unreasonable and overly-friendly hug that I did NOT approve of. She was massaging his back, kissed him on the cheat and then played with his hair for a minute. After he stopped hugging her, she kept his hand around his waist and they talked about some dumb crap. Ten minutes later, he introduces us and she's super rude to me. I reached out my hand to shake hers, and she stood their looking at me like there was something wrong with me. She gave me a really BLATANT dirty look and continued on with their conversation, not even acknowledging the introduction. He claims he didn't even notice that she was being rude, even though half of the other people in the room agreed that yeah.. she was really stuck up toward me. This is about the ONLY other time I've been jealous in the entire amount of time we've been together.

 

Anyway, I told him I really didn't like her and that he first impression was going to last a REALLY long time. I told him I didn't want him hanging out with her, because of that and he of course got really mad.

 

So yeah.. I have set SOME boundaries, and they probably make me come off as a bitch. He holds these two incidents against me.. and yeah. I was being a bitch, he should probably deal with it. I'm not going to sit around and be disrespected and if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

 

I don't get mad when he flirts with people, I don't get mad often at all and when I do, I keep my mouth shut most of the time. When I do confront him, I try and stay really calm. I've only lost my temper a few times, but I know how to handle it. I usually go for a drive or go to a friend's house and return later.

[mr.dream merchant]

I guess I should probably add that I am NOT a perfect girlfriend. I have lost my cool just the same..

 

For example, he cheated on me a long time ago with his ex-girlfriend. They continued to hang out, and I didn't say anything about it even though I was really uncomfortable with it. Finally, I did tell him that I did NOT want him talking to her at ALL. He doesn't really care about that, but he's mad that the majority of their social circle won't talk to him anymore. I did slash her tires and key her car after she had been stalking me for at least 8 months. She confronted me, and obviously knew it was me that did it.. but never pressed charges, because I threatened to press charges for the stalking and harassment. So yeah.. I was immature. More to the point, they used to share a social circle and now a lot of them don't talk to him anymore.. which I know is my fault, but none of them were his GOOD friends.. just party friends.

 

Another example is his so-called-best-friend. In the first year that we were dating, I'd only heard about her but never met her. Finally, at a party I did and I was excited to meet her.

 

She gave him a really unreasonable and overly-friendly hug that I did NOT approve of. She was massaging his back, kissed him on the cheat and then played with his hair for a minute. After he stopped hugging her, she kept his hand around his waist and they talked about some dumb crap. Ten minutes later, he introduces us and she's super rude to me. I reached out my hand to shake hers, and she stood their looking at me like there was something wrong with me. She gave me a really BLATANT dirty look and continued on with their conversation, not even acknowledging the introduction. He claims he didn't even notice that she was being rude, even though half of the other people in the room agreed that yeah.. she was really stuck up toward me. This is about the ONLY other time I've been jealous in the entire amount of time we've been together.

 

Anyway, I told him I really didn't like her and that he first impression was going to last a REALLY long time. I told him I didn't want him hanging out with her, because of that and he of course got really mad.

 

So yeah.. I have set SOME boundaries, and they probably make me come off as a bitch. He holds these two incidents against me.. and yeah. I was being a bitch, he should probably deal with it. I'm not going to sit around and be disrespected and if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

 

I don't get mad when he flirts with people, I don't get mad often at all and when I do, I keep my mouth shut most of the time. When I do confront him, I try and stay really calm. I've only lost my temper a few times, but I know how to handle it. I usually go for a drive or go to a friend's house and return later.

 

Damn son, you should've been like "Bitch what the **** is your problem?" And straight up decked that hoe.

[Beautiful Inside]

OHHHH NOOOO NOOOO NOOOOO ok check this out real talk here i would have called that bitch up and ****ing told her to come on over to tell my man that while i was present! i cant stand ****in scandalous bitches knowing that your man has a ****in pregnant wife/gf i dunno whichever at home still tries and moves up on him ohhh hell nah....im sry sweetie you have a lot of patience cause i would have been at his work pregnant and all just to let that bitch know i dont play.....omg!!!! i cant believe you haven't mentioned it you have a lot of patience....man he's gotta be guilty of some dirty **** cause wtf is that text she sending mean you know it sounds way too shady for me love. id hit him up asap about it ....dont let him deny it really act like you know he's hiding something and you know it dont let him lie to you!!!man y do men do this knowing how women are way more EMO while preggers and they still pull **** like this thats so disrespectful think about it put yourself in her position would you ever send to a guy friend a sexual text message especially knowing he has a wife or gf....no right cus you have class not like some other disrespectful bitches! man im so upset for you....

[Touche]

Holy crap! You've got a lot more problems here than the phone! It's sad to see how you tolerate his horrible behavior, almost like it's the norm for you. Why have you decided to share your life with this man? Why have you chosen this man to be the father of your child? This relationship sounds awful

 

Have you talked to a counselor at a women's shelter? They are typically free, and they will give you some good advice on dealing with emotionally abusive men with violent tendencies.

 

Good luck, and stay safe.

 

These two said it all.

 

This is so sad. You remind me so much of another poster who was pregnant and with a loser like this. She's been trying to get away from him forever. But she's a wimp like you. And she's a sweet girl like you seem to be too. I guess she keeps thinking he'll change or something but they never do. It just gets worse.

 

He's a player and an abuser. Don't be surprised the first time he slaps or hits you. There's no doubt in my mind he will...if he hasn't already. Has he?

 

But you're not going anywhere are you? It will take you years before you realize that the relationship you have is really bad and really toxic. There's not much good about it.

 

So yeah, you're doing a lot wrong here and none of it has anything to do with the stupid phone.

 

By the way, if he's not already cheating on you again, I'll eat my hat. This guy has ZERO respect for you. None.

 

I wish you all the best dear. I really hope it doesn't take you too long to open your clouded eyes. Hope you get child support from him at least.

 

Be well.

[missdependant]

I'm going to take the advice about going into his work and asking about it.

 

I know they work together tonight, so I'm going to make sure she's standing there when I confront him.

 

I've never been outwardly confrontational.. but I think it's well-deserved this time.

[Lucky_One]

I'm going to take the advice about going into his work and asking about it.

 

I know they work together tonight, so I'm going to make sure she's standing there when I confront him.

 

I've never been outwardly confrontational.. but I think it's well-deserved this time.

 

You keyed someone's car and slashed her tires; I would call that confrontational.

 

I think that your plan isn't the best one. Talk with your BF one-on-one, in a quiet place, where tempers won't fly (and phones won't be thrown) because of embarrassment and fury.

[missdependant]

Well I went to his work, but i didn't confront him in front of everyone. i totally bitched out. I asked him about her text, and he told me that he was talking to her about coming home to me and giving me some loving. He was quick with his answer, so I guess I'll choose to believe him. I told him that I would really prefer that he didn't go out for drinks with his co-workers and he said he understood, instead of arguing with me about why or why not.. but insisted that there is nothing between him and his dumb whorebag boss.

 

We didn't have a lot of time to talk. He offered me some pizza that him and his co-workers ordered and we hung out in the breakroom. His boss came in and tried to make small talk. I was really rude to her and made it very clear that I wasn't interested in her stupid conversation.

 

My boyfriend said he thought it was cute that I was so jealous, which really pissed me off. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight and update this thread tomorrow. I might need more advice..

 

PS. About the keying and slashing.. that was definitely the most confrontational I've ever been. I don't think I'd ever been that angry before in my life lol.

[bean1]

Look at this situation OP. A baby will be coming into a world of anger, yelling, tire slashing, cheating, spending money on fancy items instead of diapers, disrespect all the way around. Is this the home you pictured for your child? Someone who depends on you to model respect and responsibility? If you have a girl, would you think it was okay for her to be treated like this? If you have a boy, would you think it was okay for him to do those things? You guys are creating a TERRIBLE environment for a child.

 

PS tire slashing and keying are crimes obviously. I would still have charged you as there is no way you could claim that you felt threatened by her stalking since you were brazen enough to commit property damage. I've heard that one a million times!

[SoulSearch_CO]

:eek: Wow. Reading your posts about your relationship gives me the deepest, darkest feelings. And I realized it's exactly how I felt in my failed marriage. It's depressing. You deserve so much better, but I know that you won't do anything about it until things get so bad you can't stand it any longer and you decide to take care of yourself.

 

I just...don't even know where to begin. When I was in a bad relationship like that I just didn't know how to fix it and it was a helpless feeling. When it gets that bad, I don't think it CAN be fixed. I seriously have not felt this level of depression since I was still married to my ex.

 

I really hope one day you can do something good for yourself. Nobody deserves this emotional abuse that you're putting up with. But nothing I can say will make you do anything different. It's something you're going to have to figure out on your own.