tkgirl Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 I'm really hoping to get a male's perspective on this, but any input would be appreciated... let's see, where do I start? I'm going to try to make this short somehow... - met a guy a little over a year ago... we clicked instantly and I fell hard! Seemed like he liked me a lot too... in fact, he pursued me. We dated for about two months and then out of nowhere (it seemed) he ended it. - six months later he's back... said he was sorry how things ended and that I didn't do anything wrong, that it was a weird time for him back then etc. We dated again for another 4 months, it seemed like we got a lot closer this second time around, slept together a couple times etc (that didn't happen the first time) it was great except pretty soon I started to worry he might just up and bail again like he did the first time. So I tried (not very well) to not get too attached, but I could sense him starting to pull away. Then it ended again... it was sort of mutual... I knew I wanted more than he was able to give me, but it still broke my heart to say good-bye. - two months go by and out of nowhere I hear from him again... told me he missed me and wanted to see me, but when it came time to make plans or whatever he couldn't quite do it! Once again, I let him go.... - another 3 months later... about 3 weeks ago now... I heard from him again! Told me he missed me, I said we should talk and he agreed and asked when I was "available".... then a few days go by and it seemed he was pulling the old disappearing act again. This time I got really mad and called him on it.. asked him what he was afraid of and then told him to just stay gone this time... which is where we are now. Thing is, I miss him now too! I regret getting so mad and telling him to stay out of my life, but I also feel it is too late to take back what I said. My head tells me just let him go... he doesn't know what he wants and maybe never will... but my heart is having a really hard time listening! I guess I just would like your thoughts on this... like WHY is he doing this? Does he really miss me and then freaks out when things get too "real"? Or is it just an ego thing... seeing if I'd still take him back and then he figures I will and decides to just disappear again? He never was really the "player" type... very sensitive and it was HIS decision to wait and have sex and all that.... I don't know what to think anymore.... it's just been very hard. I really really liked him and just when I'm getting over him he does this sort of thing... think he has ESP? LOL!!!
carhill Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 He has attachment problems, IMO, likely stemming from childhood. His id and psychology are battling. Some people cover it up with the player personna, but he evidently is trying to be real, as frustrating as that is. I could see this happening, and it has to me, when two people connect during a time when they are otherwise committed, and have to modify their emotional processes to end an inappropriate emotional attachment. It's purposeful, with good intent, but that doesn't make it any easier. For two single people, there should be no barrier to building intimacy if the connection is there, absent psychological issues with either partner. If I were in your shoes, I'd let him go and move on. You can burn up a lot of time on people like this. Trust me, I know
gwynieatpain Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 I'm not so sure how well you guys know each other. It seems to me that he has someone else behind you, like when things went wrong on their side he went back to you. It's just a guess though, I could be wrong. Anyhow, let him go and move on. It only eats you up when you let things rolling like these.
EasyHeart Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 How old is he? This sort of thing is pretty common for guys in their 20s -- they aren't interested in settling down and want to try and spend time with many different women. The fact that he keeps coming back tells me that he must like you a lot, but he's got other things in his life (work? school?) that are more important than a serious relationship.
northstar1 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 How old is he? This sort of thing is pretty common for guys in their 20s -- they aren't interested in settling down and want to try and spend time with many different women. The fact that he keeps coming back tells me that he must like you a lot, but he's got other things in his life (work? school?) that are more important than a serious relationship. While this is true, it also applies to girls in their early/mid 20's - many don't know what they want, and other things are more a priority.
Author tkgirl Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I appreciate all the input... yes, carhill... I actually do think their are some issues from his childhood that makes it hard for him to let himself get too close to anyone. He was an only child, parents divorced when he was 5, his mom raised him but never remarried, meanwhile his dad remarried two more times and then died very suddenly at a pretty young age (in his mid 50's). He himself is divorced... was married 5 years and that ended about 9 years ago now. Oh, and then there's the fact that when he was in his 20's he was in a semi-popular local rock band... the whole hair metal thing with all the groupies to go along with it! yep, I've done my homework! LOL! He still is a very good-looking guy with lots of charm etc.... I just think it's "easier" for him to have these sort of "light" relationships but when things get too intense, he bails... I really wish I could just let him go but there's something there between us that just won't die... I know he feels it too and that's why he keeps coming back to me... sort of! Right now I just want to see him so bad it's practically killing me... I have cried so many tears over this guy! I have never felt this intense about anyone and it actually scares me! What can I do???
carhill Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 "Convenient relationships" for a guy who "keeps his options open". I tend to focus on little phrases and words, kinda like Russel Crowe focused on numbers in "A Beautiful Mind". Your experience might be different, but the answers are usually evident if you let them flow to you with an open mind. Another way to look at this is that the "intensity" resides within you; it's contained within you. You generate it and you control it and you experience the energy of it. It's not dependent upon this man. I think you know that. It's called loving yourself. Do you know the brain chemistry of craving what is "bad" or unhealthy for you? I'm not talking about men. For example, self-medicating with alcohol or food. A diabetic craving sugar. Etc, etc. It's a physical response to brain chemistry. Evidently, this man has tripped something in your brain chemistry that has created this conundrum of desire and unhealthiness. What to do? IDK; I went to MC and got some psychological help. Others work it out on their own. Others get medications. Others meditate. Try some things and see what works
Author tkgirl Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 "Convenient relationships" for a guy who "keeps his options open". I tend to focus on little phrases and words, kinda like Russel Crowe focused on numbers in "A Beautiful Mind". Your experience might be different, but the answers are usually evident if you let them flow to you with an open mind. Another way to look at this is that the "intensity" resides within you; it's contained within you. You generate it and you control it and you experience the energy of it. It's not dependent upon this man. I think you know that. It's called loving yourself. Do you know the brain chemistry of craving what is "bad" or unhealthy for you? I'm not talking about men. For example, self-medicating with alcohol or food. A diabetic craving sugar. Etc, etc. It's a physical response to brain chemistry. Evidently, this man has tripped something in your brain chemistry that has created this conundrum of desire and unhealthiness. What to do? IDK; I went to MC and got some psychological help. Others work it out on their own. Others get medications. Others meditate. Try some things and see what works wow! talk about an eye-opener!! I'm still trying to process it all and I'm not sure I can or will agree with all of what you just said, but you know.. I'll try! And yea, I do some forms of meditation... mostly through exercise... running, yoga etc and it definitely helps. The thing is.. I was really doing ok up until a week before I heard from him again. Yep, a week before... out of no where he was in my thoughts again and I felt this strong urge to see him. It got so bad that I was about to drive out to his place and just show up on his doorstep... seriously! and I'm not the stalker-type really at all.. LOL! In fact, the night I was so close to do this is when I heard from him! after almost 3 months of no contact at all! When stuff like that happens is when I start to really believe he and I have this undeniable connection.. that it's really not ALL in my head I just have never experienced anything like this before with anyone... like I can't just "let it go". It sort of does seem like an addiction but I'm not so sure I want to find the cure. Thanks carhill.. as always, you ROCK!
carhill Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 I'll let you in on a painful little secret. I was so obsessed, back in my 20's, with my friend that I drove around in the rain on a Sunday morning "looking for her", with only a general (really clueless) idea of where she lived and the intensity of my feelings to guide me. It took about 3 hours. She and I can laugh about it now but I was one sick misguided puppy back then. Clearly stalker behavior, though I internalized it well. Inappropriate response to a normal situation (casual and friendly contact).... it was my first big clue to my as of yet unknown personality issues with emotional sensitivity. A 7 year tale of pain and unhealthiness. I certainly hope you fare better. I trust you will
Author tkgirl Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I'll let you in on a painful little secret. I was so obsessed, back in my 20's, with my friend that I drove around in the rain on a Sunday morning "looking for her", with only a general (really clueless) idea of where she lived and the intensity of my feelings to guide me. It took about 3 hours. She and I can laugh about it now but I was one sick misguided puppy back then. Clearly stalker behavior, though I internalized it well. Inappropriate response to a normal situation (casual and friendly contact).... it was my first big clue to my as of yet unknown personality issues with emotional sensitivity. A 7 year tale of pain and unhealthiness. I certainly hope you fare better. I trust you will thanks for trusting me with your secret.... and everyone else here on these boards! yes, I do realize I have this "obsessive tendency" too and I do my best to keep it under control.. the funny thing is after this happened a few weeks ago now I just felt numb.. like the fact that he "came back" hadn't really hit me... and it seemed like we were going to finally see what was going on with us, only to have him flake and I got mad and told him to stay out of my life for good this time. Hey.. come to think of it I had posted something about waiting and wondering when I would hear from him and I think you responded a couple times... in fact, I know you did! But yeah, that first week after it happened I felt numb like I said.. now all of a sudden I want to see him and I wish I could just take back what I said but I don't know how! what to do, what to do! but posting about it on these boards really helps so thanks for putting up with me!
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